My Husband's Father was Deported Yesterday

[amal 4]

I think DM's advice was not ill intended. It may have come off gruff but I don't think that was ill intended either. The OP didn't comment on it initially coz I'm sure she felt the same way until most everybody came to the conclusion that DM was behaving unappropriately. DM has always tried to give the best info she can and to anyone that needs it if she has any knolege on the subject.

I can see how some ppl may have been offended but I can almost 100% tell u that it was not meant to offend, but more meant to help. The OP has been through the ringer (along with her family) and her FIL probably had no idea he had the right to request an attorney. The countries the MENA ppls SO's come from usually have very bad consequences when a person goes against what a person of authority is doing to them. They are trying to take care of this issue the best way that they know how so u can't knock them for that.

I believe the OP said that they still hadn't gotten his passport back to him yet to see the reason for the expedited departure. I could be wrong but I'm fairly sure that she said they were waiting to get it back.

Let's all calm down and realize that everybody is only trying to help wether we take their advice as helpful or hurtful or if they are just lending a shoulder. We need to support our girl right now...NOT bicker back and forth like this.

amal

[nu7015 0]

(((((((allousa))))))) You're a strong woman. You're doing GREAT especially having gone through all that you have.

DM - allousa has said that the passport was taken from her FIL and sealed in an envelope that was given to the pilot to give to the German officials. The passport has not been returned to her FIL yet.

DM and rebeccajo - I understand that you are both longtime members on this site and do have much experience and knowledge. When giving advice or suggestions, is it given because you care about the person being affected? It appears that the advice is conditional in that it is a requirement that it must be well-received and given thanks.

I've given advice here on various topics and if the person takes the advice or leaves it is no skin off my back. Whether everyone or no one agrees with me is not why I gave the advice in the first place. It was simply what I thought I could offer to someone at that time. If that person benefitted from the info and felt like wanting to know more, I leave it up to them to ask for more if they want more.

If someone commented on my advice, be it good or bad, I'd look to see what was good or bad about it and decide what if anything I felt needed to be changed next time.

It just appears that the advice that you have given has a hidden agenda behind it other than just trying to help a person out after the reactions from you both.

You are both saying that you'd react differently than allousa in her situation (and how can you know until YOU'VE been through it) and that she is 'overreacting'. All I'm seeing from the 2 of you ARE emotional reactions since your initial posts.

There is no right and wrong here as in just about everything. There just is what is and we are all dealing the best we can.

[desert_fox 32]

DM - allousa has said that the passport was taken from her FIL and sealed in an envelope that was given to the pilot to give to the German officials. The passport has not been returned to her FIL yet.

The pilot turned it over to German immigration when he arrived there.

He needed it to enter his home country...he has it in his possession. I suspect that there is nothing written inside of it as this is usual for ppl who voluntarily leave, but still the US Consulate can run thru their border system, or whatever they call it, to see if there is any negative information.

Nobody will know anything until the FIL decides to investigate and find out.

If he does not want to do this, then close the thread.

[Marilyn. 340]

why do we need to know all the details ?

[S and S 12]

why do we need to know all the details ?

Good question!

[desert_fox 32]

why do we need to know all the details ?

gee dummy me...and all the time I thought that the OP wanted to know why her FIL was inadmissible. Even hiring an attorney.

Maybe I misunderstood. Personally I could care less....happens dozens of times every day.

[♥JP♥ 5]

why do we need to know all the details ?

gee dummy me...and all the time I thought that the OP wanted to know why her FIL was inadmissible. Even hiring an attorney.

Maybe I misunderstood. Personally I could care less....happens dozens of times every day.

She does want to know...that doesn't mean she wants to share it here or has to.

Edited July 14, 2008 by ♥JP♥

[S and S 12]

why do we need to know all the details ?

gee dummy me...and all the time I thought that the OP wanted to know why her FIL was inadmissible. Even hiring an attorney.

Maybe I misunderstood. Personally I could care less....happens dozens of times every day.

She does want to know...that doesn't mean she wants to share it here or has to.

Exactly!

You can't demand information and then wonder why you didn't get it.

[desert_fox 32]

why do we need to know all the details ?

gee dummy me...and all the time I thought that the OP wanted to know why her FIL was inadmissible. Even hiring an attorney.

Maybe I misunderstood. Personally I could care less....happens dozens of times every day.

She does want to know...that doesn't mean she wants to share it here or has to.

Exactly!

You can't demand information and then wonder why you didn't get it.

demanding??? Is someone demanding to know?? As I said, I could care less. Only the FIL can find out if he is interested so it doesnt happen again should he ever try to return. If she should find out, and doesnt want to share, that is certainly her right. I would guess then that her only reason for posting was to receive some hugs.

[LuckyDucky 0]

I'm going to chime in, though it's more as what someone once told me about a little bit about human nature. There seem to be two primary ways people can react to a problem, a sympathizer or a fixer. (No idea if these are official terms, just words I pulled out of thin air.) Now, people will fall somewhere in between these two extremes; with the rainbow of people that we have on the forums, everyone will be a little different.

I will say that I used to be a pretty strong "fixer". When someone comes to me with a problem or complaint, my initial reaction is to try to find more information and to provide guidance as to how to fix it. I realize that my advise may not be taken, and that's fine, but I like to analyize problems and try to come up with a solution. That's primarily how I try to help someone.

The "sympatizer" feels that what the person needs is emotional support. They don't offer solutions, but love and sympathy to help bolster the person through their troubled times.

I want to make it clear that I feel neither outlook is bad. It really depends on the person with the problem.

One of my friends would always come to me with problems and I'd say, "Oh, did you try this?" or "How about doing ..." and she finally got fed up with me and told me. "I don't want to hear what you think I should do. I just want you to listen to me and tell me that you understand how I'm feeling." Humbled, I took it to heart, only to have another friend once chastise me because all I would do is listen. She finally had to tell me that she wanted to hear what I thought she should do.

I think most people in this thread are trying to help. I'd like to think most people's intentions are good. I'm new to the VJ community, but there seems to be a lot of nice, caring people who want to help.

Of course, I reserve the right to be fully wrong. This is just what I've seen through my life and my own interactions with people.

[S and S 12]

I'm going to chime in, though it's more as what someone once told me about a little bit about human nature. There seem to be two primary ways people can react to a problem, a sympathizer or a fixer. (No idea if these are official terms, just words I pulled out of thin air.) Now, people will fall somewhere in between these two extremes; with the rainbow of people that we have on the forums, everyone will be a little different.

I will say that I used to be a pretty strong "fixer". When someone comes to me with a problem or complaint, my initial reaction is to try to find more information and to provide guidance as to how to fix it. I realize that my advise may not be taken, and that's fine, but I like to analyize problems and try to come up with a solution. That's primarily how I try to help someone.

The "sympatizer" feels that what the person needs is emotional support. They don't offer solutions, but love and sympathy to help bolster the person through their troubled times.

I want to make it clear that I feel neither outlook is bad. It really depends on the person with the problem.

One of my friends would always come to me with problems and I'd say, "Oh, did you try this?" or "How about doing ..." and she finally got fed up with me and told me. "I don't want to hear what you think I should do. I just want you to listen to me and tell me that you understand how I'm feeling." Humbled, I took it to heart, only to have another friend once chastise me because all I would do is listen. She finally had to tell me that she wanted to hear what I thought she should do.

I think most people in this thread are trying to help. I'd like to think most people's intentions are good. I'm new to the VJ community, but there seems to be a lot of nice, caring people who want to help.

Of course, I reserve the right to be fully wrong. This is just what I've seen through my life and my own interactions with people.

I think you are absolutely correct. There are "fixers" and "sympathizers". The trick is knowing which way to be for each person. You can't force your fixer ways on someone who needs sympathy and you can't force sympathy on someone who wants help "fixing" things. Sometimes we have to be willing to just adapt to each different person and their needs if we really want to help.

[rclouse 0]

demanding??? Is someone demanding to know?? As I said, I could care less. Only the FIL can find out if he is interested so it doesnt happen again should he ever try to return. If she should find out, and doesnt want to share, that is certainly her right. I would guess then that her only reason for posting was to receive some hugs.

We interrupt this thread to bring you a message from The Caring Continuum:

We return you to your regularly scheduled CF.

[jpaula 20]

I have been told different things by different lawyers on this so, in an effort to steer this thread toward a reference of useful info for those of us who might be in a similar position one day...Do non-USCs have the right to contact a lawyer when placed in secondary inspection (and thus not yet given entry into the country)? I am not so sure that they do.

[rebeccajo 14]

(((((((allousa))))))) You're a strong woman. You're doing GREAT especially having gone through all that you have.

DM - allousa has said that the passport was taken from her FIL and sealed in an envelope that was given to the pilot to give to the German officials. The passport has not been returned to her FIL yet.

DM and rebeccajo - I understand that you are both longtime members on this site and do have much experience and knowledge. When giving advice or suggestions, is it given because you care about the person being affected? It appears that the advice is conditional in that it is a requirement that it must be well-received and given thanks.

I've given advice here on various topics and if the person takes the advice or leaves it is no skin off my back. Whether everyone or no one agrees with me is not why I gave the advice in the first place. It was simply what I thought I could offer to someone at that time. If that person benefitted from the info and felt like wanting to know more, I leave it up to them to ask for more if they want more.

If someone commented on my advice, be it good or bad, I'd look to see what was good or bad about it and decide what if anything I felt needed to be changed next time.

It just appears that the advice that you have given has a hidden agenda behind it other than just trying to help a person out after the reactions from you both.

You are both saying that you'd react differently than allousa in her situation (and how can you know until YOU'VE been through it) and that she is 'overreacting'. All I'm seeing from the 2 of you ARE emotional reactions since your initial posts.

There is no right and wrong here as in just about everything. There just is what is and we are all dealing the best we can.

nu7015 -

Take a look at my member join date. My husband received his greencard over a year ago. You'd think I'd be gone by now, wouldn't you?

Then take a look at my post count. It didn't get that high just hanging around in some regional forum or playing games in Off Topic. It got that way doing research on my own case and the cases of others.

I was discussing VJ with my husband last night after the debacle in this thread. It seems there is no amount of good one can do around here to 'earn a halo'. There is always somebody looking to breathe down the neck of long-term members who have stayed around this community to serve it. Somebody looking to pick on a timeline; looking to question the integrity of the member offering the advice; criticizing or belittleing the member because they aren't part of a 'filer thread' or because they currently aren't separated from their spouse.

I've about had it UP TO HERE with all of you! What an ungrateful bunch of whining, bellyaching crybabies - and how DARE you question what I have done in this community through the years in trying to help people weave through this hellish process.

As I explained above - I questioned allousa about her non-reaction to my posts because - to be brutally honest - it didn't appear she was interested in anything more than picking a fight with Mermaid. And I say that because she failed to even comment on my links, which were offered as supportive.

If you took flowers to a friend but she failed to acknowledge them, but turned around and decided to cuff the next friend who came to her in an attempt to help - wouldn't you wondered why you had bothered with your gesture in the first place?

Why in the name of heaven I have to explain common decency and manners to ANY OF YOU is beyond me. The only thing I can think of that explains it is a lack of upbringing.

Edited July 15, 2008 by rebeccajo

[desert_fox 32]

RJ....

Its just a typical MENA thread....start out nice, then they all start fighting among themselves. I usually drop in every week or so to watch them...so much hate here, but almost funny.

They're classic, and I wouldnt still be in VJ without them.

So dont even try to defend yourself with these ladies.