How is your spouse adjusting

[SaadBell 0]

First off to say that a marriage won’t last is way off, there are so many factors and just because the man is homesick is not a sign of divorce. Sometimes the happiest couples are the ones that end in divorce, not always, but I am sure the BTK killer’s wife had no clue that she was married to a serial killer. So never think you have all the answers, your own marriage could be in trouble and you have no clue. Marriage is hard enough without someone telling you that your marriage is not going to make it. No one knows, unless you are a wonderful psychic. If you are indeed a psychic, should I just throw in the towel on my life? Just wondering, cause right now it looks very dark in here.

[Staashi 371]

You think you got problems (outside of pregnancy)? Try having to explain to your spouse's family why your president is destroying their country, why your army is occupying their country, why they have lost EVERYTHING because of a war they didn't start or want. My husband's family only has what they could carry with them. It is a miracle I ever got them to except me. As far as background goes, I really don't agree with you. My husband and his family have been through a lot more than you can ever imagine, but they keep their pride and respect. Despite him seeing countless dead bodies on the street, watching friends get blown up, watching store owners clean someone's brains off their store sign as if it is an every day event, my husband keeps his sense of humor, his love, and his respect. He had never been allowed to surf the internet prior to 2003 and countless other adjustments he has made over the last few years as he moves around. Yet him and his family treated me with the utmost respect and care when I visited. They are open to the fact I have a different culture. My husband keeps an open mind to everything I tell him even if he doesn't agree with it. Every man is different. Each man will have to adjust in his own individual way regardless of how they were raised or where they came from. I don't insult my husband's country or his way of life. That is not fair to him. I respect our differences and remain open to different ways of doing things. Iraq may be a mess right now, but that doesn't mean there aren't perfectly good people in it. I cannot imagine bashing my husband's country over the internet for things he cannot help.

Be grateful your husband has the option to go back to his country and visit family. Try to see the bright side of things and stop making so many excuses for his adjustment. Just let it happen and be patient. You chose the man you would marry for better or worse. You knew where he came from and what his background was so any adjustments he has to make should have been obvious. I am sorry for your troubles and hope they do get better, especially because you are pregnant and need his love and patience too.

Bless you S and S...I can't imagine how hard this must be for you or your husband. It is so difficult to be at war, and more so in a war that is highly suspect and questionable and to try to deal with your in-laws...I would want to apologize all the time.

Good luck to you and your husband...may his homeland know peace soon. God Bless.

Thankyou Stashi, I appreciate your kind words. I will say they don't blame the general American public. They see all the anti-war protests in America on the news. It is just that they ask me why I think this is happening and my opinion. What can I say? I really for so bad for their losses.

In many ways you have to say that you have no explanation - that it goes beyond words. I know that many don't blame the American public, but thinking about you I can imagine that being an American brings many questions up to see if you can give a logical reason. I don't think anyone can.

[Staashi 371]

First off to say that a marriage won’t last is way off, there are so many factors and just because the man is homesick is not a sign of divorce. Sometimes the happiest couples are the ones that end in divorce, not always, but I am sure the BTK killer’s wife had no clue that she was married to a serial killer. So never think you have all the answers, your own marriage could be in trouble and you have no clue. Marriage is hard enough without someone telling you that your marriage is not going to make it. No one knows, unless you are a wonderful psychic. If you are indeed a psychic, should I just throw in the towel on my life? Just wondering, cause right now it looks very dark in here.

I agree with you Ganja - it is so hard to make marriages work. So many stress inducing influences...jobs, in-laws, finances and even kids - it is like everyone is setup to fail, that to succeed it feels like you're tossing darts at a board hoping you get the bullseye. And then to throw in the whole immigrant thing, that really just adds a totally new level of stress to your life. The way things are done here is very disturbing to him, the smallest thing can become an emotional rollercoaster, but what can you do? You just pray that over time he will adjust. My husband still talks about "my home". One day, I had to ask him - do you mean our home or your home - he said, "my home in Argentina". It was frustrating, but now I have come to accept that somethings will just be a certain way. I also really just put it all in God's hands. I say, "Lord, you wouldn't have put us through all of this, had us cross thousands of miles, just to see us fail". God normally sees us through the tough times...but they do get pretty tough.

Edited July 11, 2008 by Staashi

[morocco4ever 63]

his talk is to family and men friends (far as she knows)

Seriously I would tell her not to worry about it. My husband did the same when he first got here and I have to admit that I felt left out. I let him know I felt that way without making him feel that I was biotchy about it. He promised to spend more time with me, and include me in on the discussions. Now that he has been here for awhile I actually enjoy the time he talks to his family because it gives me a chance to do what I want for awhile. And then when he is done it is our time. It did slow down, as well as stop bothering me. Its just a matter of getting used to each other.

Back to the topic now, many do have hard times adjusting. My husband has compared the US to Morocco many times. I don't let it bug me because he is just homesick. And he has stated many time how much better Moroccan women are than American women. Then the next sentence he tells me that Moroccan women are mean little bioches. It's just his mood and I usually blow it off.

Now for telling you that you look average. I can understand how that made you feel. I have always been very good at keeping up my hair and makeup so that I look nice. But last spring we started a major project in our home and this went on for 9 months. I found myself getting up early every weekend to work on the project, not bothering with my hair and makeup. Lets just say I didn't look the same as normal. He did mention that he wish I would put more effort back on my looks, at which I replied "fine, then I will let you finish this yourself while I make myself pretty". Let's just say, point taken.

interesting...

my hubbie gets all upset if i wear make-up (make-up for me is mascara and fruity lip gloss). and once in Rabat, he flipped out in the street because he saw i was wearing "sexy shoes".

i hope he continues to be that way, though, because it would stress me out if i had to worry about make-up and stuff... !

i hope he doesn't get spoiled by the mass-media's version of "pretty" and all that kind of stuff...

That is funny. My husband really likes makeup, and so do I, so it works well for us.

Looks like I missed some of the drama since they deleted posts. Its okay however, just the same old chit it sounds like.

[AlHayatZween 2]

interesting...

my hubbie gets all upset if i wear make-up (make-up for me is mascara and fruity lip gloss). and once in Rabat, he flipped out in the street because he saw i was wearing "sexy shoes".

i hope he continues to be that way, though, because it would stress me out if i had to worry about make-up and stuff... !

i hope he doesn't get spoiled by the mass-media's version of "pretty" and all that kind of stuff...

That is funny. My husband really likes makeup, and so do I, so it works well for us.

Looks like I missed some of the drama since they deleted posts. Its okay however, just the same old chit it sounds like.

haha...the "sexy shoes" thing still makes me laugh... and i'm such a tomboy that even if i showed up in leopard stilettos and a playboy bunny costume, i still don't think i'd pass for "sexy"!!

uh-oh... i missed the deleted posts as well?

[Nasturtium 500]

haha...the "sexy shoes" thing still makes me laugh... and i'm such a tomboy that even if i showed up in leopard stilettos and a playboy bunny costume, i still don't think i'd pass for "sexy"!!

uh-oh... i missed the deleted posts as well? [/font][/color]

Mine doesn't like makeup either,although he won't say anything to me if I wear it... I will wear a thin powder (to even out tone and matte-- I'm pretty oily) and some lipgloss most of the time, occasionally mascara, rarely the whole thing. I think he doesn't mind my usual look because you sually have a hard time telling i have anything on other than lipgloss. Lip gloss is awesome.

[Krissy! 0]

haha...the "sexy shoes" thing still makes me laugh... and i'm such a tomboy that even if i showed up in leopard stilettos and a playboy bunny costume, i still don't think i'd pass for "sexy"!!

uh-oh... i missed the deleted posts as well? [/font][/color]

Mine doesn't like makeup either,although he won't say anything to me if I wear it... I will wear a thin powder (to even out tone and matte-- I'm pretty oily) and some lipgloss most of the time, occasionally mascara, rarely the whole thing. I think he doesn't mind my usual look because you sually have a hard time telling i have anything on other than lipgloss. Lip gloss is awesome.

My honey isn't here in the States, so I can't comment on the adjustment. But I imagine if I was in his shoes, I would totally be missing home (I often remind him that he will be homesick, and will miss his family/friends... he insists he won't... *ahem*.. so I always encourage him to spend much time with everyone there while he can).

As for the makeup. It's funny. He says he likes it better when I don't wear makeup. I don't think I wear that much -- not Barbie-dollish. I wear Bare Essentials for tone neutrality -- I have that red / white uneven balance, so naturally I feel I look prettier when I have the makeup on -- if my skin was perfect, I would definitely insist to go without, except I must have mascara and chapstick OR lipgloss. Brings out my eyes and lips

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

First off to say that a marriage won’t last is way off, there are so many factors and just because the man is homesick is not a sign of divorce. Sometimes the happiest couples are the ones that end in divorce, not always, but I am sure the BTK killer’s wife had no clue that she was married to a serial killer. So never think you have all the answers, your own marriage could be in trouble and you have no clue. Marriage is hard enough without someone telling you that your marriage is not going to make it. No one knows, unless you are a wonderful psychic. If you are indeed a psychic, should I just throw in the towel on my life? Just wondering, cause right now it looks very dark in here.

I just stopped into work because I cannot post from home and I am picking up some papers but all in all I have done the best I can. In the face of being sick, I patiently waited for 2 months for my husband to get to see his mom.. even though I had a medical expedite. I have dealt with family infighting. Homesickness. I now have pre eclampsia to boot. I am working full time until I give birth as well as taking classes. I have put every single drop of blood into making things work. He has his greencard, his ss and his id and can get a job at any time. I have gotten up to take kids to school, cleaned the house, driven myself to every ob appointment, spent thousands on immigration and phone bills, put up with more than could ever be imagined. I have just done everything I can at this point. I am now 31 weeks pregnant and not one time have I felt catered to or taken care of. If our marriage doesn't last and I am abandoned with this baby sick and alone and working full time and keeping my life afloat, I can say I did the best I can. In all good faith, I will not be surprised if he returns home, nor will I fault him. He has had a difficult time adjusting. I have bent over backwards 15 hours a day to make things halal.. to make things right... to drive him to English school.. to have arabic tv for him. To buy his special foods... all along with ankles 4 inches thick and I cant breathe. I am not even free to use my home computer as I want. Still I face constant criticism that I am not as good as , as smart as , as clean as women back home. All the while I have to somehow keep a job when I am told I am not attractive to him anymore, do something about that hair, your food doesnt taste good... etc. I have done the best I can. If I cant tell you guys .. I cant tell anyone.... this is the end of the road for me and the sadnes has just gotten overwhelming.

I am deeply sad and starting on tranquilizers tonight to help me sleep because my heart is beating out of my chest at this point. I love him. Maybe I am not good enough. But I didnt need to go through all of this to find out. I needed a little love to compensate for all the #### I have had to put up with. At the end of the day< I take responsibility for my stuff but when You hear someone talking about you in Arabic to their mom and they say horrible things when all you do is cater

KHANZA MOUSSA MAHBOULA and you have given all your money and all your love, your credit cards are maxed out and your health is failing. You reach your breaking point. I have reached mine.

I told my mom today that I want my aunt to take the kids when I am induced and I want to be alone when I give birth. I no longer even want him with me in the hospital or in the drs office. I just want to end this journey alone because when you can t take care of the things that matter and you arent getting sleep or help and you really did the best you can it kills you

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

First off to say that a marriage won’t last is way off, there are so many factors and just because the man is homesick is not a sign of divorce. Sometimes the happiest couples are the ones that end in divorce, not always, but I am sure the BTK killer’s wife had no clue that she was married to a serial killer. So never think you have all the answers, your own marriage could be in trouble and you have no clue. Marriage is hard enough without someone telling you that your marriage is not going to make it. No one knows, unless you are a wonderful psychic. If you are indeed a psychic, should I just throw in the towel on my life? Just wondering, cause right now it looks very dark in here.

I just stopped into work because I cannot post from home and I am picking up some papers but all in all I have done the best I can. In the face of being sick, I patiently waited for 2 months for my husband to get to see his mom.. even though I had a medical expedite. I have dealt with family infighting. Homesickness. I now have pre eclampsia to boot. I am working full time until I give birth as well as taking classes. I have put every single drop of blood into making things work. He has his greencard, his ss and his id and can get a job at any time. I have gotten up to take kids to school, cleaned the house, driven myself to every ob appointment, spent thousands on immigration and phone bills, put up with more than could ever be imagined. I have just done everything I can at this point. I am now 31 weeks pregnant and not one time have I felt catered to or taken care of. If our marriage doesn't last and I am abandoned with this baby sick and alone and working full time and keeping my life afloat, I can say I did the best I can. In all good faith, I will not be surprised if he returns home, nor will I fault him. He has had a difficult time adjusting. I have bent over backwards 15 hours a day to make things halal.. to make things right... to drive him to English school.. to have arabic tv for him. To buy his special foods... all along with ankles 4 inches thick and I cant breathe. I am not even free to use my home computer as I want. Still I face constant criticism that I am not as good as , as smart as , as clean as women back home. All the while I have to somehow keep a job when I am told I am not attractive to him anymore, do something about that hair, your food doesnt taste good... etc. I have done the best I can. If I cant tell you guys .. I cant tell anyone.... this is the end of the road for me and the sadnes has just gotten overwhelming.

I am deeply sad and starting on tranquilizers tonight to help me sleep because my heart is beating out of my chest at this point. I love him. Maybe I am not good enough. But I didnt need to go through all of this to find out. I needed a little love to compensate for all the #### I have had to put up with. At the end of the day< I take responsibility for my stuff but when You hear someone talking about you in Arabic to their mom and they say horrible things when all you do is cater

KHANZA MOUSSA MAHBOULA and you have given all your money and all your love, your credit cards are maxed out and your health is failing. You reach your breaking point. I have reached mine.

I told my mom today that I want my aunt to take the kids when I am induced and I want to be alone when I give birth. I no longer even want him with me in the hospital or in the drs office. I just want to end this journey alone because when you can t take care of the things that matter and you arent getting sleep or help and you really did the best you can it kills you

The having the baby alone thing is more because at this point, I dont even want him in the process of having the baby with me. I feel like I am at my breaking point because I have given all I can and I cant do anymore. I just think If I face the rest of this alone, at least my bp wont be 160 and maybe the baby will be better for it.

AGAIN.. I am not blaming him for everything. I am saying we did not know each other enough. He had an unrealistic idea about here and over idealises back home so much that he wont make the adjustments to make it work here like he needs to . I love him. I just may end up delivering the baby alone.. completely

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I had my last alone, with 3 kids at home...its time u took a stand for yourself...time to say u did best you can and stop all this I I I, like someone said once put your big girl panties on and put your foot down, if you dont do for yourslef no one else will, the one and only thing in life we can control is ourself, we all have made mistakes. Hope things can settle for you a bit, have this baby and change your life

Edited July 11, 2008 by brnidokiegurl

[Ban Hammer 13,275]

after reading all of that, wahrania, i think it's time for him to man up and help out.

[mohamed N melinda 0]

wahrania i am so sorry all this happen to you . but plz be patient and i am sure he will help and adjust and things will change inshaAllah

[sarahaziz 0]

I in the kindest way possible will try to say when you absorb your husbands ways (culture,beliefs) and lose yourself you will lose everything. I believe whatever problems I've had or will have it's entirely my fault at how I respond to situations and how I went into that kind of situation. Small things I see happening with some people on this board is trying to change themselves to adjust to their men's lives. If you as a woman can't be yourself and speak what you desire then you're not in a loving relationship. You're in a dominating relationship where your spouse is the beneficiary and you're suffering or feel incomplete - That eventually leads to hard feelings.

I think that if you'd SPEAK up to your husband explain to him your exact situation and shoes instead of babying him and trying to be something your not he will listen and understand you. Again, I really do feel for any woman going through this kind of thing because it all boils down to wanting love. When you're real with somebody they will appreciate you more. If I were in your place I'd speak up without being scared that he will leave.

I'd fight to give my kids and myself a wonderful life and cater to their needs before taking care of any man who could possibly go or stay. This is my honest opinion and thoughts. I hope things work out before a divorce is considered.

[S and S 12]

I in the kindest way possible will try to say when you absorb your husbands ways (culture,beliefs) and lose yourself you will lose everything. I believe whatever problems I've had or will have it's entirely my fault at how I respond to situations and how I went into that kind of situation. Small things I see happening with some people on this board is trying to change themselves to adjust to their men's lives. If you as a woman can't be yourself and speak what you desire then you're not in a loving relationship. You're in a dominating relationship where your spouse is the beneficiary and you're suffering or feel incomplete - That eventually leads to hard feelings.

I think that if you'd SPEAK up to your husband explain to him your exact situation and shoes instead of babying him and trying to be something your not he will listen and understand you. Again, I really do feel for any woman going through this kind of thing because it all boils down to wanting love. When you're real with somebody they will appreciate you more. If I were in your place I'd speak up without being scared that he will leave.

I'd fight to give my kids and myself a wonderful life and cater to their needs before taking care of any man who could possibly go or stay. This is my honest opinion and thoughts. I hope things work out before a divorce is considered.

I think that is good advice

[brnidokiegurl 0]

If I were in your place I'd speak up without being scared that he will leave.

and then say here is he door