How is your spouse adjusting

[♥JP♥ 5]

[Jenn! 918]

No I dont think its completely personality as far as adjusting. Its also where the person has come from.

Absolutely, the distance between where one is coming from and where one is going will help determine the length of the journey. I don't think anyone has disputed that. I think the personality issue came up when it was proposed that Arab men were generalized to be uptight.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Maybe I should pull out the pregnant hormal ticket so I can say whatever I want.

Well I wasnt pregnant last year.. so its not a hormone card. Some issues we all just disagree with.

Like its hard for someone who had no wait time to be with their spouse to understand an over a year wait time etc. We all have our individual experience and all of them can add to the collective pot.

I dont expect people to be NICE. This is a board where we talk and express ourselves. If it sometimes ends up in a ###### fest , oh well.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

No I dont think its completely personality as far as adjusting. Its also where the person has come from.

Absolutely, the distance between where one is coming from and where one is going will help determine the length of the journey. I don't think anyone has disputed that. I think the personality issue came up when it was proposed that Arab men were generalized to be uptight.

I gotta split from work. I will say that UPTIGHT is NOT the words I would use to describe my husband. Much of what upsets him is actually pretty understandable when I look at the family he is from and his cultural background and how everyone else acts like where he is from. Things that are acceptable stateside are just not necessarily gonna fly over here. I see even this difference between Moroccans that he has met here and him and even his interaction with a Libyan and a Lebanese man. The Libyan made a comment to me in a store that he owned how Algerians cut French people in half ( while I was standing there) and the older Lebanese guy asked a question about when I got pregnant and my husband wigged. He said "arabs are not supposed to talk to others arabs wives"> These 2 arabs had lived here in excess of 30 years and were really americanized. Thats my point. How the heck can you blame my husband when people in his own culture ( not his country) say rude things even from an arab perspective... basing that freedom of talk on the fact I am American so they treat me as such. I have had to really take a look at my husband's take on everything, how he was raised and how women acted around me to understand how he perceives things here.

I think where they are from has alot to do with how they react. My husband is NOT from an open minded neighborhood even though his city is considered progressive. He has ideas of how wives should act and dress that have to do with upbringing that cant be wiped out in a month or a year

[morocco4ever 63]

Back to the topic now, many do have hard times adjusting. My husband has compared the US to Morocco many times. I don't let it bug me because he is just homesick. And he has stated many time how much better Moroccan women are than American women. Then the next sentence he tells me that Moroccan women are mean little bioches. It's just his mood and I usually blow it off.

Now for telling you that you look average. I can understand how that made you feel. I have always been very good at keeping up my hair and makeup so that I look nice. But last spring we started a major project in our home and this went on for 9 months. I found myself getting up early every weekend to work on the project, not bothering with my hair and makeup. Lets just say I didn't look the same as normal. He did mention that he wish I would put more effort back on my looks, at which I replied "fine, then I will let you finish this yourself while I make myself pretty". Let's just say, point taken.

One other point, when ever he says something to the effects that the women in Morocco spend more time with either housework or cooking I promptly tell him I will be more than happy to quit my job so I have time to do everything they do, and to make sure he has enough jobs to make up for the lack of my income. That one works well.

But now that he has been here 1 1/2 years things have really lightened up. We have both found our happy spot. Even marriage to someone from this country takes adjustments, its just intensified when they leave behind an entire family and culture.

[Henna Rose 0]

Morocco4ever ~ Love your responses to your hubby, and your belly dancin MEEZ !

[sarahaziz 0]

Bridget--LOL I can totally relate to the comment where he didn't want you to tell anyone he did domestic chores. Ramy's the same way!

Ramy's really laid back. I'd say his adjustment wasn't easy while he wasn't working and even then we had some ups and downs until he crashed the car. After that, things got a lot better because it just made us both take a step back and chill out and stop bickering about stupid things. He was really supportive when I got laid off and even more supportive as I went through the hiring process to get into the post office. (I drive one of those cool little mail trucks! lol).

As for the things we're working on...he doesn't trust anyone who's not related to him. A girl talking to a bunch of guys in a parking lot must be a prostitute. American food is tasteless. Dinner means like a 12 course meal and I should slave in the kitchen for 3 hours over it.

Well... that is a conversation he and my husband have got to have. Ill be real blunt. I saw more hookers over 3 trips to Tunisia, Algeria and UAE in quantity and in action than I have EVER SEEN STATESIDE. Throngs and throngs walking around Abu Dhabi of every arabic nationality but especially Moroccan, Lebanese, Iraqi and Egyptian. So to throw the whole Americans are whores label is hog wash. Ask him about DUBAI and UAE and what exactly is going on over there. Not even VEGAS can compare to that joint. I literally was bumping into mini skirts and hooker platforms for 5 days straight. It was hard to find any "normal " women walking in the streets the lobby was so full of arab prostitutes. And people wanna trash Americans. Bumpkiss

I honestly think you hold some jealousy with Arab women. It's not healthy. You also have this American vs Arab thing going on...Why are you married with someone who comes from this kind of Arab background if we're "ungrateful, uneducated" folks...Can't you find a Proud American who hates Arabs just as much as you do?

[♥JP♥ 5]

Bridget--LOL I can totally relate to the comment where he didn't want you to tell anyone he did domestic chores. Ramy's the same way!

Ramy's really laid back. I'd say his adjustment wasn't easy while he wasn't working and even then we had some ups and downs until he crashed the car. After that, things got a lot better because it just made us both take a step back and chill out and stop bickering about stupid things. He was really supportive when I got laid off and even more supportive as I went through the hiring process to get into the post office. (I drive one of those cool little mail trucks! lol).

As for the things we're working on...he doesn't trust anyone who's not related to him. A girl talking to a bunch of guys in a parking lot must be a prostitute. American food is tasteless. Dinner means like a 12 course meal and I should slave in the kitchen for 3 hours over it.

Well... that is a conversation he and my husband have got to have. Ill be real blunt. I saw more hookers over 3 trips to Tunisia, Algeria and UAE in quantity and in action than I have EVER SEEN STATESIDE. Throngs and throngs walking around Abu Dhabi of every arabic nationality but especially Moroccan, Lebanese, Iraqi and Egyptian. So to throw the whole Americans are whores label is hog wash. Ask him about DUBAI and UAE and what exactly is going on over there. Not even VEGAS can compare to that joint. I literally was bumping into mini skirts and hooker platforms for 5 days straight. It was hard to find any "normal " women walking in the streets the lobby was so full of arab prostitutes. And people wanna trash Americans. Bumpkiss

I honestly think you hold some jealousy with Arab women. It's not healthy. You also have this American vs Arab thing going on...Why are you married with someone who comes from this kind of Arab background if we're "ungrateful, uneducated" folks...Can't you find a Proud American who hates Arabs just as much as you do?

[S and S 12]

Another thing to think about is that alot of our husbands are new to relationships altogether. My husband had never been intimate with another woman or had a relationship with another woman. He is completely new to the whole relationship thing and what it means. I know in my first marriage I had to teach my ex husband all of this stuff and he was American...they all go through training, sort of in the beginning of being in a mature relationship. So, if certain things are important for you, you need to share this with him so that he understands all of this and can be everything you want him to be as a husband....and he needs to understand you and what you go through. I noticed a lot of women in these situations taking on a lot more than they should trying to be the super-wife, only to get frustrated and mad later on when the love bug wears off that now they have come back down to earth and they are still doing everything for everyone. Make the expectations clear from the beginning.....esp where housework and responsibilities are concerned.

I give my husband a lot of advice now....before we are actually together to set the stage for when we are. He comes from a family of 12 brothers and sisters and his slightly older sister is still living in the home and between her and his mom, they do all the work around the house. And yes, of course neither of them work. I informed him recently that when he comes he will be expected to do 50/50 on the inside housework and all of the outside (uard) work and the cars. He raised his eyebrows with a big smile on his face...and agreed. I told him that if things work out to the point where I no longer have to work I will be happy to do all the housework...and he will still take care of the outside and cars. He also agreed to that. I think it is important to get your expectations out in the open before he arrives....which is what I am attempting to do.

As far as husbands wanting you to keep it secret if they help you, I find that to be a little strange !!! My husband is proud of anything and everything he does for me because it shows that he is doing all he can to take care of me and that is what he wants everyone to know, his family and mine. Now when we were in Jordan and some of his little nieces and nephews were around and I took a little of his "power" from him in front of them he took me to the side and explained that he is so strong and powerful in front of them and yes, he is melting for me but for them he wants to keep feeling he is so powerful and strong. I understood this but also told him that it is nice to be different than other men and they may actually appreciate if you are more sweet and loving than strong and powerful. He never thought of it like that before and has been enjoying their smiles and being sweet since then. Many men...not just MENA...come from a family of macho men who dominate and teach dominance....they come from all over the world. If we want our men to be more understanding, etc., etc. we may have to teach them this...as they have not been taught yet.

I know that a lot of misunderstandings can come from the language difference...that is so true. Last week I was talking online to my husband with video and there was too much noise on the line so we both muted our mics and were typing. We were discussing something...I don't even remember what it was but my response was a sarcastic "whatever" to him. Well, a few days ago, we were discussing something online again with typing and I had made a comment and he responded "whatever". At first, I took it wrong and was sort of shocked he was getting sort of an attitude and saying "whatever" to me!!! So I asked him, why did you say "whatever"? And he told me "it means yes, right"? So, not only did he not sense my attitude to him when I used it on him the first time...he thought it was an agreeing statement, the equivalent to saying yes. Hahahahaha! This is just one tiny example of how we could possibly be teaching them the very things that will later tick us off if we take it out of the context in which it was truly meant to be. And with hormones flying all over...this is so easy to happen to any of us, pregnant or not!

I have noticed a lot of people here struggling with what their husbands will do when they come here or now that they are here, how in the world are they going to find a job that is going to suit them. My husband and I decided a long time ago that he will not work for anyone but himself. Not only is it easier because of the language barrier...it helps with the self confidence issues that can come from working for someone else, vs. being your own boss. He owned an internet cafe in Jordan and when he comes here he (we) will also own our own business, eventually. Even if we have to start small at first until we build up enough cash to do something great....we will do that together. I have a great business mind and so does he...so together I am sure we will do something amazing. Perhaps if your husband is having difficulty finding work, instead of just sitting around being frustrated he can work with you to discover something he can do to start bringing in some cash and who knows, it may lead to something fantastic. For example, when my husband first gets here we will order a shipment of clothing...some abayas and hijabs as well as some more (US style) modern clothing and he will go to a local flea market and sell them as new items twice a week. We already have our suppliers and prices worked out and are just waiting for him to come to get started. He has something to look forward to for work already. Another thing we will do as soon as he gets here is we will sell the house I currently have and we will buy one with a retail business downstairs and some apartments upstairs. This will allow us to have our business where we live and once we make enough money where we can move out of the apartment, we can then rent it out and have even more cash coming in every month. I know not everyone can do this...I am fortunate enough to have a decent job...don't make gobs of money but do ok...and good enough credit to qualify for a mortgage. I am so grateful for that. It will help me to help us get started in our future endeavors.

I hope some of these ideas and thoughts are helpful. I don't want anyone to take anything I said wrong...I noticed that a lot on these boards lately there have been a lot of misunderstandings and stepping on people's toes, taking sides, etc....I love this subject as it is the next step in the immigration process for us...the culture shock issues. Please keep the experiences and ideas coming to help us all when we need it and also help us to feel some comraderie as we are all basically going through the same process albeit with very different people and personalities.

Deb

I completely disagree that this is all personality based. Morocco has never been completely occupied by an invading force, did not lose over a million people to genocide and then did not experience a muslim on muslim civil war resulting in the murders rape and kidnapping of over 100,000 people with a civil war still raging. There is absolutely no country in MENA with the history of genocide or war torn situation other than Iraq and even Palestine differs in that they were occupied and remain occupied. I completely disagree that you could even begin to compare some of the countries in MENA with the way that they will react to things. For example, in Morocco, Jews can freely enter and exit, homosexuality while not accepted is tolerated in some places like Marrakesh even encouraging Gay tourist groups to visit. You dont have to wait 2 to 3 months for a visa and Americans can freely travel and enter and exit. Same for Jordan , same for Egypt.

This has nothing to do with arabs or anything else. Its moving from abject poverty from a society that doesnt even have a working ATM system ( like less than 20 working ATMS in the whole country) and no movie theatres, constant terrorism and someone wants to tell me that this does not have any affect on how someone would adjust to the USA? Hogwash. Try EVERYTHING is different. Everything from the smallest thing to the largest thing. I had a medical emergency and my daughter had surgery there and it was literally a war zone in the hospital and my daughter received care like I have never seen and has a frankstein like scar across her head. Morocco is PROGRESSIVE compared to the poverty I saw.

My husband HUMDULLILAH is finally adjusting ,making friends and fitting in. Everything has been a struggle and I could literally sense fear in every bone in his body when he came. He thought the dishwasher was a place to store dishes... he didnt realise it turned on. He didnt understand most of anything when he came here.. stores were overwhelming

I think where you are coming from ABSOLUTELY has tons to do with how you adjust. I think being in a metropolitan area helps because there are lot of arabs close by and public transportation is simple and easy to get on and off on. Thats got to help loads

As far as moving, I own a house and I have 7 months pregnant. I cant do much of anything other than work and support my family. I have perhaps had a harder than normal adjustment due to the fact my husband really had never seen all of the tech advances and had very clear ideas about what men and women do. He is now adjusting and helping and things are much better..

Its not personality ,... Its background. I think how you are treated has EVERYTHING to do with what they are coming out of. Of course someone with exposure to foreigners and tourists, even English is going to be more open minded. My husband DID NOT MEET ME TROLLING THE NET. He met me there. Big difference. He did not have English skills either. He is in English school here. But he did experience a high level of daily stress and spent his childhood watching people blown up with their heads cut off and served in a anti terrorist unit. This is bound to affect your take on life, the USA, foreign people and your ability to adjust. Just sleeping on a matress or drinking water is a new thing. He used to have to haul water up 4 flights just to have safe water to drink. Of course this place is a culture shock

You think you got problems (outside of pregnancy)? Try having to explain to your spouse's family why your president is destroying their country, why your army is occupying their country, why they have lost EVERYTHING because of a war they didn't start or want. My husband's family only has what they could carry with them. It is a miracle I ever got them to except me. As far as background goes, I really don't agree with you. My husband and his family have been through a lot more than you can ever imagine, but they keep their pride and respect. Despite him seeing countless dead bodies on the street, watching friends get blown up, watching store owners clean someone's brains off their store sign as if it is an every day event, my husband keeps his sense of humor, his love, and his respect. He had never been allowed to surf the internet prior to 2003 and countless other adjustments he has made over the last few years as he moves around. Yet him and his family treated me with the utmost respect and care when I visited. They are open to the fact I have a different culture. My husband keeps an open mind to everything I tell him even if he doesn't agree with it. Every man is different. Each man will have to adjust in his own individual way regardless of how they were raised or where they came from. I don't insult my husband's country or his way of life. That is not fair to him. I respect our differences and remain open to different ways of doing things. Iraq may be a mess right now, but that doesn't mean there aren't perfectly good people in it. I cannot imagine bashing my husband's country over the internet for things he cannot help.

Be grateful your husband has the option to go back to his country and visit family. Try to see the bright side of things and stop making so many excuses for his adjustment. Just let it happen and be patient. You chose the man you would marry for better or worse. You knew where he came from and what his background was so any adjustments he has to make should have been obvious. I am sorry for your troubles and hope they do get better, especially because you are pregnant and need his love and patience too.

[sarahaziz 0]

I so agree with that. It's about how a man was raised his etiquette is every man for himself.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

On this subject of adjusting i want to ask something a friend is going thru. Her husband is here..things seem to be fine...but he has this obcession to stay on the computer talking to friends and family alllllllll the time. She feels left out and doesnt understand all this when she is there for him, he doesnt understand what is the problem and feels she dont trust him. He seems very bull headed at this point and does not understand and feels she is bossing him etc etc these are his friends that mean so much to him etc etc. She feels he wants to alwasy stay home (on the computer) instead of going out, he feels they are together alllllll the time except for bathroom time....he sees himself as a visitor still and he is sure in a year or two he will adjust and see things better. Any of this sound familar

[sarahaziz 0]

Personally if my husband was doing that constantly I'd be scared as to what his intentions were comming to the USA. Came For me? or to get work and keep contact with his family

[brnidokiegurl 0]

his talk is to family and men friends (far as she knows)

[sarahaziz 0]

I guess the only way to understand it is put herself in his shoes. I'm thinking though, If you haven't seen your spouse in a long time the first thing you'd do is go nuts over seeing yoru spouse again. I'd think home sickness would hit after a month - 3 months or something. Talking on the internet constantly with family/friends and neglecting a wife I've just never heard of soemthing like that happening regardless if he was american or foreign. A man who RESPECTS his wife wouldn't do that. If you don't feel right in your gut obviously something is wrong. That's my thoughts at least

[brnidokiegurl 0]

i think he has been here couple months, not real long and no job yet, it just seems he thinks its ok for these friends to be so special and im sure to him they are but i tried to explain to him he has wife now and these friends should understand when he cant talk every day but i guess to them he doesnt undertand why anyone would have a prob