How is your spouse adjusting

[doodlebugg 10]

:dance: JP telling it like it is! :dance:

My husband is very laid back & peaceful, however, I know many Moroccans who are not.... it has nothing to do w/ culture, as JP (and many others have) said. It's about personality.

And yes, JP taken the words right outta my mouth.... wise woman that she is.

great. now I have that song in my head instead of the dream police one. at least i like meatloaf better.

[Nutty 2]

Wahrania, What exactly is your line of work?

I tried to live in Florida once and I just couldn't do it. Without a car, it is so hard to get around. Then the heat and the low wages....It was really hard!

I also lived in Boston, MA and found the city expensive. However, great public transportation, higher wages and yes, better assistance for lower income people. Many of the hospitals there have sliding scale fee systems (I was low income, but not extreme, all I qualified for was free prenatal care - but was not pregnant).

Just thinking about all that you are going through and hoping things will get better for you. Everyone has their own "wishlist" of what they want from the place they live in. It seems like Florida isn't the right place for you or your husband.

[amal 4]

I am just curious....We are having ups and downs which is to be expected....

I noticed my husband is very attached to "things iranian." For example, he has a year planning calender with little Iranian quotes on the margins. He sits a reads and rereads them. A lot of conversations are dominated by the subject of "how Iranian people are, behave."

I won't deny there have been two dramas because he said and did one or two things I found highly insensitive.

(He called me "average looking" when I asked him how I looked and he was stingy on my birthday and bought me 2 flowers after I asked him to, not a full bouqet).

I told my husband that I've never had anyone buy my flowers for my birthday so I would just go out and spoil myself with a bouquet.... so come my birthday we were in the car and he pulls over to one of the flower stands by the road and says he wants me to buy flowers for my birthday hands me some cash and stays in the car I did buy them 'cause I did want flowers, but geese. Got home and put them in a vase and he tells me how pretty they are, gives me a hug and a kiss A few min. later I find out he thought I liked to buy them myself and he wanted to make sure I had a chance on my birthday I gave him a break bc he though he was being thoughtful and he did buy me balloons earlier in the day for my backporch BBQ

Mine thinks he is giving me a break sweeping the floor. Gees

Ok..mine doesn't get birthdays coz they never celebrated them in his family. His first few weeks (and still to this day aat times) we have issues with assuming we know what the other person wants/needs and it ends up in an argument. We had a very difficult adjustment culturally and I did a TONNNNNNNN of research on adjusting culturally. There are things that are purely cultural/religious adjustments and then there are things that are just plain mean/abusive. I"ll be happy to talk with you in yahoo sometime if you want... well..any of u for that matter. If you're interested, pm me and I'll give u my yahoo ID.

So far it is sounding very common and very much a cultural issue for him. Take it easy and don't stress too much over things like that right now. We'll get it figured out eventually ensha'allah.

[RAKASA 0]

great. now I have that song in my head instead of the dream police one. at least i like meatloaf better.

I was going to mention earlier, the reason you have that Dream Police song stuck in your head is because "they live inside of your head"!

[sarahaziz 0]

I would be so hurt if my spouse did all that Nutty. I think you should tell him how you want to be treated -I'm about 99.9 % sure he doesn't know what you want so he hasn't done it or said the things you like to hear. The average looking comment kinda threw me off. I don't understand how a spouse could say that!!

I agree with everyone else on the open topic you shouldn't get married without knowing every important factor about the other. Love is just the beginnning but not everything, finances, family support play a huge role in marrying a foreigner. I love my big family and I could'nt cross the country for a spouse who's family hated me or something. 2 People can be happy but if you got family behind you it's 10 times better

Thing's are so wonderful since the day my spouse came! We've had so much fun together since the first hour we saw each other at the airport. My uncles dad me and cousins have taken him everywhere and he's so happy working with my dad until he gets the rest of his papers. We haven't fought yet unless it's me yelling at him to stop making me fat or trying to give me diabetes with all that yucky baklava - I hope we can avoid it for much longer.

[Kiv 32]

I told my husband that I've never had anyone buy my flowers for my birthday so I would just go out and spoil myself with a bouquet.... so come my birthday we were in the car and he pulls over to one of the flower stands by the road and says he wants me to buy flowers for my birthday hands me some cash and stays in the car I did buy them 'cause I did want flowers, but geese. Got home and put them in a vase and he tells me how pretty they are, gives me a hug and a kiss A few min. later I find out he thought I liked to buy them myself and he wanted to make sure I had a chance on my birthday I gave him a break bc he though he was being thoughtful and he did buy me balloons earlier in the day for my backporch BBQ

I loved this, this sounds so much like my husband and he is the USC.

[Nasturtium 500]

I think you've gotten some really good advice and plenty of good tangents in this thread I had to go through this phase with Ammar as well involving the constant "In Jordan..." stories, but you know I think I do that when I go over there-- not because i am being b!tchy, but more because i am just letting him know our differences. I know after some time I could tell when he was just informing versus criticizing. now he's over that and only tells me if I ask.

I don't celebrate brithdays and he tried to do some really niec things for mine-- so I let him-- but yeah, this can be a combo of cultural, religious, and personal. I know for me it's personal.

My husband is a pretty laid-back guy in generqal as long as certain things, which he considers non-negotiable, are met-- we're all like that. in his case, he cannot not have the house cleaned. For me, I need quiet. Everyone has something which will drive them nuts he could snap, though, just like any normal human could as well if you pushed the right buttons long enough. That's when he says he has to leave and goes for a walk

[caybee 21]

:dance: JP telling it like it is! :dance:

My husband is very laid back & peaceful, however, I know many Moroccans who are not.... it has nothing to do w/ culture, as JP (and many others have) said. It's about personality.

And yes, JP taken the words right outta my mouth.... wise woman that she is.

great. now I have that song in my head instead of the dream police one. at least i like meatloaf better.

And now you're making me hungry.

and nm...

Edited July 9, 2008 by caybee

[♥JP♥ 5]

I think you've gotten some really good advice and plenty of good tangents in this thread I had to go through this phase with Ammar as well involving the constant "In Jordan..." stories, but you know I think I do that when I go over there-- not because i am being b!tchy, but more because i am just letting him know our differences. I know after some time I could tell when he was just informing versus criticizing. now he's over that and only tells me if I ask.

I don't celebrate brithdays and he tried to do some really niec things for mine-- so I let him-- but yeah, this can be a combo of cultural, religious, and personal. I know for me it's personal.

My husband is a pretty laid-back guy in generqal as long as certain things, which he considers non-negotiable, are met-- we're all like that. in his case, he cannot not have the house cleaned. For me, I need quiet. Everyone has something which will drive them nuts he could snap, though, just like any normal human could as well if you pushed the right buttons long enough. That's when he says he has to leave and goes for a walk

[Nasturtium 500]

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Well, well. Wahraina is stereotyping Arabs. Someone alert the media.

I'm with JP on this one, but we usually do see eye to eye when it comes to such issues. Put my hubby in the laid back, easy going column, too. The worst complaints he's had are being bored, wanting to work, and not having enuf sweets in the house (we eat them too fast!) He cleans every thing he can reach, has learned to do laundry, and even cooks a bit. The only issue we've had of any import is that I stay up too late some nights in bed on the laptop typing on message boards He's become more cooperative, confident and self-reliant day by day and is full of pleasent surprises. Like Bridget, we are chillin and getting along well, humdillah. I think I'll keep him!

[nu7015 0]

I am just curious....We are having ups and downs which is to be expected....

I noticed my husband is very attached to "things iranian." For example, he has a year planning calender with little Iranian quotes on the margins. He sits a reads and rereads them. A lot of conversations are dominated by the subject of "how Iranian people are, behave."

I won't deny there have been two dramas because he said and did one or two things I found highly insensitive.

(He called me "average looking" when I asked him how I looked and he was stingy on my birthday and bought me 2 flowers after I asked him to, not a full bouqet).

Mine has talked ad nauseam at times about how things/people are back home in Morocco. He was sooooooo ready to go back home to see family and friends after being here for 18 months. He went back 5 weeks ago and has been telling me he's ready to come back home after the first 3 days of being there. He's got 2 more weeks and he'll be back. He swears he won't go back to Morocco for at least 4 years once he gets back home! He now can see Morocco after experiencing the US and sees so clearly the differences and how much better it is to live here. I don't think he'll be too hip on Morocco after this trip. I think it was hard for him being away for the first time (his sister and cousin also passed away a few months ago ) so he was homesick.

I also remember during one of my trips to Morocco one guy at the airport in Casa said he hates coming back to Morocco and every time he swears it will be his last.

I think their attitude changes once they go back home after living here. It's easier for them to see the things that aren't so good about living there.

Also, I've had to explain a lot of my expectations to him and give him hints about things that I want. I've had to explain holidays and what they mean to us too. Once he understands what I expect or understands what to do, he is usually quite happy to follow through. Most of the time if he fell short (to my standards B) ), it's because he didn't quite have a good idea of what he was supposed to do.

There's also been misunderstandings because of language. He says things that mean something different in English than what they do in Arabic. He speaks English quite well but trying to say the same things in English as he would in arabic don't quite make sense and have caused some misunderstandings. I'd ask him what he meant by 'average' because it may have been a quite different meaning to him than it would to us.

With any marriage, the first year is usually the one that has the most adjustments but add to it the cultural, language, and learning curve of a new country and you've got one heck of a lot of adjusting to do on both sides.

Hang in there. Keep focusing on all that is good!

[Aymsgirl 0]

Nutty, my husband has been here about three months now. At first he was so excited to talk with anybody that spoke Arabic. He found out that not everybody here that he speaks Arabic with are people that he wants to hang out with. He has learned to make other friends now. Our biggest issue is that he is staying at home watching our son while I work until he gets his EAD. This I believe is causing some depression. He gets lazy and bored and after a few days without hanging out with a friend or going somewhere I find him very quiet and withdrawn. He used to get annoyed when I would ask what is wrong and that would sometimes end up in a little spat but now I realize right away what is wrong and catch myself asking him and try to get him out of the house. He missed home at first and at times still does. So I encourage phone calls and online chatting. He really missed the food and had lots of bad things to say about how things were cooked here and that nothing is fresh like in Egypt. I just try and include fresh vegetables when I can and encourage him to get recipes from his mother or cousin if there is something he wants to try.

He is a laid back Egyptian. I personally thought he would be the opposite of what he is when we actually lived together. I agree with what someone else said that some people's culture is fact when they speak. Like they do not sugarcoat it but personally do not mean to harm your feelings.

I would just be patient like Amal said. You need lots and lots of patience and understanding right now and always try and put yourself in his shoes and think how you would feel if the table was turned. Best wishes always!

Tasha

[nu7015 0]

Remember JP, you have family taking care of you pregnant which has got to alleviate alot of whatever stress you have on you. I am the sole support of my family with no one taking care of me having to provide for my husband who is much more of a fish out of water than yours. For you to tell me its completely personality is short changing me as well. I think everything we get is an amalgation of everything the spouse has been through prior to getting here. Leaving a country that has its UN building blown up and daily bombings and kidnappings makes it only equal to Iraq as far as the daily stress level that they deal with. Palestians are also in the same boat, albeit someone in Gaza is living a hell where as Jordan , things are more chill

First off, my family doesn't support us financially nor have they ever. My mom might cook dinner for me or help out with laundry but that doesn't alleviate any stress at all. We have our fair share of stress as well, we just deal with it differently. When my husband arrived, he was just as much a fish out of water as your husband is. I was patient with him, helped him and tried my best to understand his situation. He started working and that was that.

My husband being laid back has NOTHING to do with him being Jordanian because Jordan is well known for having some really high strung men. His personality however is laid back.

You know Wahrania, you aren't the only pregnant hormonal person on this board, but that doesn't give you a license to say whatever the hell you want. You knew your financial situation before you got pregnant didn't you? I knew what mine was and I made the choice to start family. Ultimatly we are all responsible for our choices.

JP I agree with a lot of your points. Wahrania I think I know what you mean about family support. It isn't easy without family support that is for sure. Just the idea of being able to call someone in your family is enough to ease some stress. Family doesn't even have to actually physically or financially help; but to have the peace of mind of being able to pick up the phone and talk something through with family is a calming thought. When you don't have that, and I can relate, there is a whole other feeling of being all on your own. While there are some huge positives that come from literally doing it all on your own (with NO emotional support), there are a lot of scary feelings that have to be managed and that can be quite hard to do.

I often wonder what it would be like to have family support and the peace that must come from it but realize there will never be emotional support from people (my family) who are unable to give it. So I try to focus on building that with my daughter and surrounding myself with supportive people. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for the gift you were given to handle it on your own.

[Mommy2ZaidnSalma 11]

As someone whos SO has been here for a few years...I think i can add alot...The begininng was tough, he didnt feel accepted at work, he had no idea how to drive, he was scared to try new things, he tried to put on the "im a big macho arab" act, i dont know how many times he threatened to go back to jordan, but after time, everything kinda fell in place...it definitly took more patience from me than most probably have, but alas, 2 years and some odd months later, he is the BEST husband I could ask for...He knows his responsibilities and does them without being asked. If i work late, he cooks, if he works late, i cook, we both take care of the baby, he changes diapers and gives baths, as do i..You cannot expect too much at first. It is a huge adjustment.

as far as everyones spouses comparing america to their country, i can say, after living in jordan for a year, its perfectly normal...Do u have any idea how long it took me to get use to cleaning the ENTIRE house twice a day? how long it took me to learn how to wash clothes in a chinese washer, and carrying them to the roof to dry? how to cook without a microwave? lol Of course everything that flew out of my mouth was...well in chicago we have this, and in chicago we have that, its perfectly normal for them to be comparing things to the only thing that have known their whole life...over time, the states will become the norm for them, and all that comparing does fade, i promise..