How is your spouse adjusting

[Ban Hammer 13,498]

A wife is a man's treasure, not his doormat.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

It reminds me of my first marriage. We went to a counselor, but I absolutely refused to participate because I didn't want the marriage to work, I had had enough. My ex, after being told everything he had done wrong, finally asked "What about her, didn't she do anything wrong?". The counselors response was yes.....she put up with it for 15 years. I was floored.

That is my point, if we put up with ####### that is what we will get. Personally I think I deserve better. That is what I want Wahrania to see.

this is the problem, only the person involved can make the changes, everyone can talk until they are blue, but this is nothing new women in abuse cases tend to just hang on and on . The lucky ones make it out, some dont, you can see it in the news everday

[morocco4ever 63]

It reminds me of my first marriage. We went to a counselor, but I absolutely refused to participate because I didn't want the marriage to work, I had had enough. My ex, after being told everything he had done wrong, finally asked "What about her, didn't she do anything wrong?". The counselors response was yes.....she put up with it for 15 years. I was floored.

That is my point, if we put up with ####### that is what we will get. Personally I think I deserve better. That is what I want Wahrania to see.

this is the problem, only the person involved can make the changes, everyone can talk until they are blue, but this is nothing new women in abuse cases tend to just hang on and on . The lucky ones make it out, some dont, you can see it in the news everday

Exactly. I don't see the point of rehashing where someone went wrong at this point. I guess my thoughts are to try to help the current situation if at all possible. After that is resolved is the time to figure out what went wrong, what was their part in the problem, and how to proceed. Baby steps.

After all of this drama I had to really give my husband credit. He has always treated me so good, even through tough times. Last night I asked him for the last few bites of his popcycle (his passion), and he didn't hesitate to give it to me. That is just one of the little things he does that show me his love and respect. It may not seem like much, but all of those little things really add up.

[Jenn! 918]

I guess what I think:

gary probably has a few points, but he keeps messing up with his chauvinism.

1) People with a history of abusive relationships tend to get into abusive relationships.

2a) wahrenia's stereotypes or not, her /description/ of him & his culture leads me to believe that she's chosen a very, very conservative man to marry

2b) so it's of no particular surprise (to me) that it happened...the way it's happened

2c) but wahrenia's naive-ness of her current situation - "gee, how did I get here?!" - totally turns me off

FWIW, I think Wahrania's been pretty realistic about why she is in her current situation. She admitted that she didn't know him well enough.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I too find ahmed to be more patient than myself and times i later realize (i) was the mean one and he just goes with the flow, when i was there he gave me his (favorite) shirt because i once remarked how i liked it (i meant i liked it on him not me) but i took because to him this was something special he wanted me to bring back to remember him with

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I guess what I think:

gary probably has a few points, but he keeps messing up with his chauvinism.

1) People with a history of abusive relationships tend to get into abusive relationships.

2a) wahrenia's stereotypes or not, her /description/ of him & his culture leads me to believe that she's chosen a very, very conservative man to marry

2b) so it's of no particular surprise (to me) that it happened...the way it's happened

2c) but wahrenia's naive-ness of her current situation - "gee, how did I get here?!" - totally turns me off

FWIW, I think Wahrania's been pretty realistic about why she is in her current situation. She admitted that she didn't know him well enough.

you know i dont want to get all into this again today, because we cant change any of it....but she apparently HAS known it all along from the past posts of nothing but complaining about him..again it doesnt matter how any of us preceive it, she has to be the one to change things and im sure we all hope best for her, and i have told her this before also.....put the big girl panties on, do what is best and right for you and your kids, stay safe and have a good life...

[caybee 21]

Sometimes the abused person can't admit they've been abused until they've actually been hit (sometimes not even then, of course). Anyway, whatever Wahrania could or couldn't have done to prevent her current situation is irrelevant at the present time. (It will be very relevant once she gets out of her current crisis.) Right now, she's very pregnant, asthmatic, preeclampsic, feeling like she can't stop working, now unable to work from home since her laptop got smashed, and the consensus says she's in an abusive relationship. And unless I missed something, she didn't post at all yesterday from work (if she went to work). All of this is putting her own health and that of her baby at risk, and I hope to heaven she reaches out to someone in the community who can actually help her in a concrete way.

Edited July 18, 2008 by caybee

[Staashi 371]

you know i dont want to get all into this again today, because we cant change any of it....but she apparently HAS known it all along from the past posts of nothing but complaining about him..again it doesnt matter how any of us preceive it, she has to be the one to change things and im sure we all hope best for her, and i have told her this before also.....put the big girl panties on, do what is best and right for you and your kids, stay safe and have a good life...

Oddly enough, what Wahrania has experienced isn't any different than some other people on VJ. Just go look at some of the other forums such as the Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits forum. You will be shocked what people have gone through. So many people jump into these things that your head will spin when you read what has happened to them. The abuse - physical, emotional and mental, the abandonment stories, etc...there are horror stories and yet it's real life.

Which all goes back to what I posted two days ago and yet everyone went off on the tangent of conversion, which was a super small part of what I had posted - what I tried to convey was get to know your husband before making any life altering decisions. Work on your relationship...establish it, make it your own, get to know how you two work together on US soil...because however you all were in their homeland is pretty freaking different than being here. Marriage is life-altering - but if things aren't working out you can get a quickie divorce and move on. Pregnancy on the other hand, you can't just lift up your hands and give the baby back...adoption maybe, but you're kind of stuck.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

you know i dont want to get all into this again today, because we cant change any of it....but she apparently HAS known it all along from the past posts of nothing but complaining about him..again it doesnt matter how any of us preceive it, she has to be the one to change things and im sure we all hope best for her, and i have told her this before also.....put the big girl panties on, do what is best and right for you and your kids, stay safe and have a good life...

Oddly enough, what Wahrania has experienced isn't any different than some other people on VJ. Just go look at some of the other forums such as the Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits forum. You will be shocked what people have gone through. So many people jump into these things that your head will spin when you read what has happened to them. The abuse - physical, emotional and mental, the abandonment stories, etc...there are horror stories and yet it's real life.

Which all goes back to what I posted two days ago and yet everyone went off on the tangent of conversion, which was a super small part of what I had posted - what I tried to convey was get to know your husband before making any life altering decisions. Work on your relationship...establish it, make it your own, get to know how you two work together on US soil...because however you all were in their homeland is pretty freaking different than being here. Marriage is life-altering - but if things aren't working out you can get a quickie divorce and move on. Pregnancy on the other hand, you can't just lift up your hands and give the baby back...adoption maybe, but you're kind of stuck.

rehasshing all this does no one any good... i have a statement on my page LIFE IS NOT WHATS ITS SUPPOSED TO BE IT IS WHAT IT IS....you can do all the right things and something can go wrong...you can know someone, things change etc etc...we can all just do best we can..if there were written rules and guaranties things still happen its life...

[Nutty 2]

CAPTAIN EWOK,

CLOSE THIS THREAD

[Jenn! 918]

Thread has been closed per request of OP.