How is your spouse adjusting

[AlHayatZween 2]

Ah, context is everything. Interesting, thank you for responding.

Now, the big question is, are you the exceptions or the rules?

haha !

now that is a good question... let's see what the rest of MENA has to say? B)

i have to do work now, but i'll check back in later.

[Peikko 1,575]

That's not what I meant. Can you honstly say you would have looked at the idea of becoming a muslim if you hadn't found love with someone of that faith? Your personal story is of course unusual because you went through with it even while you weren't sure you would ever meet him again but that doesn't change the fact that it was through a love affair that you found Islam.

I am not suggesting that anyone's SO's held them at gunpoint or even mentally manipulated them (although I am sure that does happen sometimes) but to say you did it simply for yourself is surprising.

Yes, I can... and did. I had many Muslim friends long before I ever even met my husband. I had 2 copies of the Qu'ran and a cd of Qu'ran recitation that were given to me by a friend b/c I had inquired and was asking questions of her. I have always had an interest in world religions and have studied many (some much more deeply than others). I decided last year during Ramadan that I was ready to say shahada. My husband only spoke to me about it when I would ask him questions. So, let's see, I had an interest in Islam for about 4 years before I even knew my husband, then we had been married for almost a year (w/o him even knowing much about me studying Islam) before I decided it was what my heart yearned for.

So, in your case you are one of the "I was intererested in Islam therefore I was more likely to meet a muslim to marry" cases rather than the other way around.

[polarbear 0]

Yes, it makes sense, no one would say you definitely would not but I would be surprised if many looked at Islam without this incentive.

Are you saying personally that you were attracted to the muslim culture anyway and that this is probably why you ended up with a muslim husband in your particular case?

I am just curious about this, feel free to not answer if it bothers you.

I'm saying that after researching the religion I found it to be the answer for me personally and no matter how I became interested I would always have converted. If my coworker were muslim and I looked into it I would have converted because that same light bulb would have gone off in my head.

I was not attracted to muslim culture at all btw. What led me to Islam was the feeling of submission that I had and the overwhelming feeling of one God having all of the power.

That's kinda the way I feel.

I had already left christianity a bit and had done alot of soul-searching a few years before and had defined more or less what I DID believe. One of the biggest things is that I believed in one God but not the trinity and didn't know of a religion that fit what was in my heart and was even hesitant to define myself as christian.... Islam fit that so well. After ALOT of research, I found that the religion was in my heart and I decided to embrase it fully with the start of Ramadan.

The culture actually almost turned me away from the religion until I could distinguish between local custums and traditions (as well as some of the horible stuff you see on tv) and the actual religion.

[crazyinEgypt 0]

That's not what I meant. Can you honstly say you would have looked at the idea of becoming a muslim if you hadn't found love with someone of that faith? Your personal story is of course unusual because you went through with it even while you weren't sure you would ever meet him again but that doesn't change the fact that it was through a love affair that you found Islam.

I am not suggesting that anyone's SO's held them at gunpoint or even mentally manipulated them (although I am sure that does happen sometimes) but to say you did it simply for yourself is surprising.

In a way my love for him did influence me bc I wanted to know more about the religion that influenced just about every part of his life. So yes, I don't know if I would have found this faith otherwise.

But at the same time yes, I can honestly and without reservations say that I converted simply for myself and would continue following my beliefs with or without my husband in my life and did.

that's a good point too. I dated a man who was Lutheran once. I don't think he even went to church come to think of it. His religion really wasn't a big part of his life so I never had the urge to look into it. With Islam, especially if the man is praying salat 5 times a day and is following it to the best of his ability, it's very hard NOT to be curious about what it's all about because it's not just a place you go to each Sunday it's a way of life.

What about the good morals of Christians? Not all Christians just go to church on Sundays, just as all muslims do not go to the mosque. As you mentioned it is a way of life. I know good Christians and the hypocritical Christians just as I know good Muslims and hypocritical Muslims. I'm just finding it very difficult to even learn about Islam except from my husband. It would be wonderful to have Muslim women help out another woman that is curious about Islam, but not around this area. The only thing I've heard is how disgraceful it is for my husband to be with a Christian. Which in turn my husband has told them I'm more of a Muslim than they are because I'm not criticizing them.

[polarbear 0]

Are you saying personally that you were attracted to the muslim culture anyway and that this is probably why you ended up with a muslim husband in your particular case?

Sorry, PH i misread your question again... my head is scattered.

No, i think i married my husband because he looked at me with those eyes and i melted....

i was delilghtfully doomed from the beginning!

[Imua 0]

I just wanted to chime in here - I am one of those women who converted to her man's religion years before she even met him. Like Me~n~Him I have always been interested in world religions and cultures and especially in South Asia and the Middle East. I formally received initiation('conversion') and received a Hindu name at a Hindu temple here in Queens 2 years before I met Govi. I also believe in certain aspects of Buddhism - many Nepalis practice both religions since Buddhism came from Hinduism.

As for stories of conversion or reversion to Islam, there is at least one website where people post their own personal experiences - I believe it is Revert.com or something like that. IIRC some converted because of marriage but for many it was an individual decision.

[doodlebugg 10]

That's not what I meant. Can you honstly say you would have looked at the idea of becoming a muslim if you hadn't found love with someone of that faith? Your personal story is of course unusual because you went through with it even while you weren't sure you would ever meet him again but that doesn't change the fact that it was through a love affair that you found Islam.

I am not suggesting that anyone's SO's held them at gunpoint or even mentally manipulated them (although I am sure that does happen sometimes) but to say you did it simply for yourself is surprising.

In a way my love for him did influence me bc I wanted to know more about the religion that influenced just about every part of his life. So yes, I don't know if I would have found this faith otherwise.

But at the same time yes, I can honestly and without reservations say that I converted simply for myself and would continue following my beliefs with or without my husband in my life and did.

that's a good point too. I dated a man who was Lutheran once. I don't think he even went to church come to think of it. His religion really wasn't a big part of his life so I never had the urge to look into it. With Islam, especially if the man is praying salat 5 times a day and is following it to the best of his ability, it's very hard NOT to be curious about what it's all about because it's not just a place you go to each Sunday it's a way of life.

What about the good morals of Christians? Not all Christians just go to church on Sundays, just as all muslims do not go to the mosque. As you mentioned it is a way of life. I know good Christians and the hypocritical Christians just as I know good Muslims and hypocritical Muslims. I'm just finding it very difficult to even learn about Islam except from my husband. It would be wonderful to have Muslim women help out another woman that is curious about Islam, but not around this area. The only thing I've heard is how disgraceful it is for my husband to be with a Christian. Which in turn my husband has told them I'm more of a Muslim than they are because I'm not criticizing them.

I never said that all Christians just go to church on Sundays. I guess I didn't get my point across properly. Islam is a way of life and influences soooo much of day to day activities, much moreso than Christianity does imho. My husband follows sunnah to the best of his ability and it's down to the minute details like what foot he enters the bathroom with, what he says when he walks into the house and when he leaves the house, saying bismillah before eating, saying so many many duas throughout the day depending on what he is doing, what he eats and does not eat, how he dresses, and so much more. Honestly to live with someone who's religion affects his actions every minute of every day it seems impossible that one would not want to dive deep into studying the whys, you know?

And if you lived in Boston I would most certainly meet you for tea/coffee and introduce you to some mosques around the area, give you a copy of the Quran and go with you to whatever classes I could get to. Many of the women who are muslim in my area would do the same as well.

[crazyinEgypt 0]

That's not what I meant. Can you honstly say you would have looked at the idea of becoming a muslim if you hadn't found love with someone of that faith? Your personal story is of course unusual because you went through with it even while you weren't sure you would ever meet him again but that doesn't change the fact that it was through a love affair that you found Islam.

I am not suggesting that anyone's SO's held them at gunpoint or even mentally manipulated them (although I am sure that does happen sometimes) but to say you did it simply for yourself is surprising.

In a way my love for him did influence me bc I wanted to know more about the religion that influenced just about every part of his life. So yes, I don't know if I would have found this faith otherwise.

But at the same time yes, I can honestly and without reservations say that I converted simply for myself and would continue following my beliefs with or without my husband in my life and did.

that's a good point too. I dated a man who was Lutheran once. I don't think he even went to church come to think of it. His religion really wasn't a big part of his life so I never had the urge to look into it. With Islam, especially if the man is praying salat 5 times a day and is following it to the best of his ability, it's very hard NOT to be curious about what it's all about because it's not just a place you go to each Sunday it's a way of life.

What about the good morals of Christians? Not all Christians just go to church on Sundays, just as all muslims do not go to the mosque. As you mentioned it is a way of life. I know good Christians and the hypocritical Christians just as I know good Muslims and hypocritical Muslims. I'm just finding it very difficult to even learn about Islam except from my husband. It would be wonderful to have Muslim women help out another woman that is curious about Islam, but not around this area. The only thing I've heard is how disgraceful it is for my husband to be with a Christian. Which in turn my husband has told them I'm more of a Muslim than they are because I'm not criticizing them.

I never said that all Christians just go to church on Sundays. I guess I didn't get my point across properly. Islam is a way of life and influences soooo much of day to day activities, much moreso than Christianity does imho. My husband follows sunnah to the best of his ability and it's down to the minute details like what foot he enters the bathroom with, what he says when he walks into the house and when he leaves the house, saying bismillah before eating, saying so many many duas throughout the day depending on what he is doing, what he eats and does not eat, how he dresses, and so much more. Honestly to live with someone who's religion affects his actions every minute of every day it seems impossible that one would not want to dive deep into studying the whys, you know?

And if you lived in Boston I would most certainly meet you for tea/coffee and introduce you to some mosques around the area, give you a copy of the Quran and go with you to whatever classes I could get to. Many of the women who are muslim in my area would do the same as well.

As a Christian, Christianity is my way of life just as Islam is my husbands way of life. He'll do things with me at my church and I'll go the EID celebrations (and then get pushed off with all the woman that ignore me) I don't know. Maybe there is a certain religion for every person. I am curious about Islam, don't get me wrong, but the women around here are a big turn off for me. Too bad I don't live closer to Boston.

[AlHayatZween 2]

As a Christian, Christianity is my way of life just as Islam is my husbands way of life. He'll do things with me at my church and I'll go the EID celebrations (and then get pushed off with all the woman that ignore me) I don't know. Maybe there is a certain religion for every person. I am curious about Islam, don't get me wrong, but the women around here are a big turn off for me. Too bad I don't live closer to Boston.

So sorry to hear you are having such a problem with the ladies! That sounds terrible! And you are sure it is their attitude and not the result of some language barrier or something like this? You could maybe go to the mosque and talk to the imam if you are interested in learning more and surely he could put you in touch with some well-meaning women?

[RAKASA 0]

That's not what I meant. Can you honstly say you would have looked at the idea of becoming a muslim if you hadn't found love with someone of that faith? Your personal story is of course unusual because you went through with it even while you weren't sure you would ever meet him again but that doesn't change the fact that it was through a love affair that you found Islam.

I am not suggesting that anyone's SO's held them at gunpoint or even mentally manipulated them (although I am sure that does happen sometimes) but to say you did it simply for yourself is surprising.

Yes, I can... and did. I had many Muslim friends long before I ever even met my husband. I had 2 copies of the Qu'ran and a cd of Qu'ran recitation that were given to me by a friend b/c I had inquired and was asking questions of her. I have always had an interest in world religions and have studied many (some much more deeply than others). I decided last year during Ramadan that I was ready to say shahada. My husband only spoke to me about it when I would ask him questions. So, let's see, I had an interest in Islam for about 4 years before I even knew my husband, then we had been married for almost a year (w/o him even knowing much about me studying Islam) before I decided it was what my heart yearned for.

So, in your case you are one of the "I was intererested in Islam therefore I was more likely to meet a muslim to marry" cases rather than the other way around.

Not really specifically.... my husband & I met when our work paths crossed. I fell absolutely in love w/ him. But I had gone out w/ 2 other Muslim men prior to meeting him that really turned me off as far as what I wanted in a man. Falling for a man b/c of his religion, NO - falling for a religion b/c of a man, NO.... Falling in love w/ an amazing man who is of high moral character but not your stereotypical "Muslim man" - absolutely!!!

[crazyinEgypt 0]

As a Christian, Christianity is my way of life just as Islam is my husbands way of life. He'll do things with me at my church and I'll go the EID celebrations (and then get pushed off with all the woman that ignore me) I don't know. Maybe there is a certain religion for every person. I am curious about Islam, don't get me wrong, but the women around here are a big turn off for me. Too bad I don't live closer to Boston.

So sorry to hear you are having such a problem with the ladies! That sounds terrible! And you are sure it is their attitude and not the result of some language barrier or something like this? You could maybe go to the mosque and talk to the imam if you are interested in learning more and surely he could put you in touch with some well-meaning women?

It's the attitude since the majority of the woman speak english. It's an "I'm better than you" attitude. My husband has even mentioned it.

[AlHayatZween 2]

As a Christian, Christianity is my way of life just as Islam is my husbands way of life. He'll do things with me at my church and I'll go the EID celebrations (and then get pushed off with all the woman that ignore me) I don't know. Maybe there is a certain religion for every person. I am curious about Islam, don't get me wrong, but the women around here are a big turn off for me. Too bad I don't live closer to Boston.

So sorry to hear you are having such a problem with the ladies! That sounds terrible! And you are sure it is their attitude and not the result of some language barrier or something like this? You could maybe go to the mosque and talk to the imam if you are interested in learning more and surely he could put you in touch with some well-meaning women?

It's the attitude since the majority of the woman speak english. It's an "I'm better than you" attitude. My husband has even mentioned it.

That's too bad...

well, they come in all shapes and sizes and backgrounds, i guess...

At least your husband seems very supportive!

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

First off to say that a marriage won’t last is way off, there are so many factors and just because the man is homesick is not a sign of divorce. Sometimes the happiest couples are the ones that end in divorce, not always, but I am sure the BTK killer’s wife had no clue that she was married to a serial killer. So never think you have all the answers, your own marriage could be in trouble and you have no clue. Marriage is hard enough without someone telling you that your marriage is not going to make it. No one knows, unless you are a wonderful psychic. If you are indeed a psychic, should I just throw in the towel on my life? Just wondering, cause right now it looks very dark in here.

Well I have read many many of her posts and I know the type of woman she is. And by the last post in this thread my prediction is correct. I don't wish this on her, I wish she would change and maybe he marriage could work.

So true, we are the evil American women, and he is the man. You should respect him and lie on the ground while he walks all over you!

Did I get that right Gaby&Talbert?

You are really confusing Gaby. First let me inform you that I come here to talk to spouses of MENA people. I am really not sure why you come here. Second, I have NOT been acting like the stereotypical "American ######" as you call all of us. I have been actually extremely compassionate and forgiving of him . I am trying to help him go to school. I am getting the food he likes. I have put him first in every single way. His mom is aware of this. So is everyone else. We have our good days. We have bad days. We have amazing days. Its been hard the last few weeks, I wont lie. He is having a hard time adjusting. I am really hurt. But I love him more than I care that I am right or justified. We love each other. But its been real tough. I think you need to get the stereotypical view of the women on here out of your head. To stalk us on our boards and hang out around here just seems downright weird..Why the interest in our lives when your spouse is from Mexico and you hate American women and everything we stand for?

No that is not what I am saying. She should have walked away from the relationship before he ever came here but no she complained about everything and still brought him here.

If someone is going to b i t c h about everything then marry someone who will put up with it and will kiss her a s s all the time. You can't pretend to be someone you are not. She needed to lay it on the line to her husband what she expected and if not then walk away. She should have seen exactly what he was like back in his home and accept him for that and not expect him to change.

Being forgiving and compassionate isn't coming here and complaining all the time. The women here are not helping you if they are blindly siding with you and saying he is the bad one are you are always right. It is hard for me to believe he would be telling his family you are a horible person if you haven't done anything wrong. If you were being a perfect wife he wouldn't have reasons to say and do the things he is doing. I am not saying he is right, he should be doing everything to make you happy regardless of how you are acting.

What I am saying is that the signs were there before he came to the US and you should have seen them and not brought him her. Maybe you have a pattern of being attracted to abusive men?

Abusive relationships are never abusive in the beginning. If they were, women would dump the abusive men immediately in search of a good man.According to the American Psychological Association Force on Violence and Family, over 4 million American women experience a serious assault by a partner each year! Who can forget when heavy-weight champ Mike Tyson was convicted of raping Desiree Washington and sentenced to six years in prison. Tyson served three years before being released on parole. Thereafter, he married Robin Givens but they divorced on Valentine’s Day only a year later because Givens claimed Tyson abused her. Abusive behavior touches all ranges of society.

We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.

1. Jealousy & Possessiveness – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.

2. Control – He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.

3. Superiority – He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

4. Manipulates – Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.

5. Mood Swings – His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

6. Actions don’t match words – He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.

7. Punishes you – An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.

8. Unwilling to seek help – An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.

9. Disrespects women – Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.

10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself – Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.

[SaadBell 0]

perfect wife

What is that excatly? Not being a smart ### comment, but really interested to know what a perfect wife is?

[Alhamdulillah 0]

perfect wife

What is that excatly? Not being a smart ### comment, but really interested to know what a perfect wife is?

I'm sure one factor may be not to continuously bash the culture/ethnicity of the person you're married to on a public forum....