How is your spouse adjusting

[nu7015 0]

Wahrania - I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. My husband and I have gone through A LOT and many times the future looked pretty glim. Have you thought about counseling? That may or may not sound corny - I don't know. I do know that it has helped my husband and I tremendously. I can't even tell you how much! And my husband is a man that did not believe in therapists/counselors one bit! Not even would consider it until he agreed to go for a couple of times. It has been such a blessing (be sure to find a good one) and now he is the one that reminds me when it's time to go.

Not only has it helped us get through some tough issues, it has helped guide our relationship into a wonderful partnership. I never dreamed he'd keep going, let alone follow any advice. It's amazing how it's helped him and you can just see the relief on his face knowing we have someone to help us through the bad times.

Please consider it. Whatever your decision, I hope that it brings peace to all of you.

[Staashi 371]

Overtime, as they began to get married to American girls, their wives would convert - typically if not before, but definitely after the birth of their first child. The sense of pride that they had in their voice was one of awe - "I can't believe she did this for me." It was powerful to witness this. Furthermore, it was very interesting to see how the girl went from hoochiemama, to covering up, to a little more conservative, to hijab, and then finally to hijab and abaya. I thought - wow...what has happened here? As I saw their conversion from a HPOA (hot piece of ###, and not afraid to show it!) to a very traditional muslim woman, I was shocked to say the least...but I could appreciate that if you were going to have children, you wouldn't want mommy to look like a ####### (which was common in LA) you would want to be respectable.

Decent Muslim men don't marry hoochimamas.

Not everyone is decent...lots of the guys I knew were on student visas and sewing their oats in the USA. They began marrying as their visas were due to expire because they didn't want to go home. Some of the girls married for love, some for money - it was very common in my area. By the time I was 20, I had three different proposals from ME guys - two Palestinians and one UAE - all for greencards.

[Staashi 371]

As an aside, how easy is it for these women to convert to Judaism? Judaism usually can be more work to convert into from being an outsider unless you can maybe prove some kind of Jewish ethnicity... or is that only Orthodoxy?

It ranges from extremely easy to extremely hard. It is always possible, although in orthodoxy they make it VERY difficult for you and the the tradition is to turn you away three times. Then of course there are other rabbis that can be bribed or dont take it seriously and its easy.

My sister's best friend converted to Judaism for her boyfriend, now husband - it took a few years for her to go through the conversion process - and she was Southern Baptist! Talk about insanity in her family. Now, they've all seemed to calm down but I tell you it was crazy for awhile.

Edited July 17, 2008 by Staashi

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

My sister's best friend converted to Judaism for her boyfriend, now husband - it took a few years for her to go through the conversion process - and she was Southern Baptist! Talk about insanity in her family. Now, they've all seemed to calm down but I tell you it was crazy for awhile.

Im saying it with a laugh...

You can get more excitement in that sometimes than you can get an AMEN in a church service...

* from one baptist to another*

[S and S 12]

Im saying it with a laugh...

You can get more excitement in that sometimes than you can get an AMEN in a church service...

* from one baptist to another*

lol, that is so true. My mother's family is all pentacostal and they didn't find my conversion to Islam funny at all. The only reason I didn't have more problems with it is they know I am stubborn and hard headed. I am the only one who keeps them up to date on my part of the family so if they turned their backs on me, they would lose their source for news. I have always lived my life according to what I thought was best so they gave up trying to influence me one way or another. I always prove my decisions work out for me and I never ask for help. They know they have no choice but to accept it, but I know they don't like it.

[polarbear 0]

Im saying it with a laugh...

You can get more excitement in that sometimes than you can get an AMEN in a church service...

* from one baptist to another*

lol, that is so true. My mother's family is all pentacostal and they didn't find my conversion to Islam funny at all. The only reason I didn't have more problems with it is they know I am stubborn and hard headed. I am the only one who keeps them up to date on my part of the family so if they turned their backs on me, they would lose their source for news. I have always lived my life according to what I thought was best so they gave up trying to influence me one way or another. I always prove my decisions work out for me and I never ask for help. They know they have no choice but to accept it, but I know they don't like it.

My family isn't even very religious and flipped out beyond what I thought was normal when they found out I was marrying a muslim... they still don't know I converted over a year ago and honestly I think they would flip out more if they know I did it for myself without even telling my husband (then fiance) before hand - I think they would take it easier if they thought I did it for him bc they adore him now and think he is the best thing that ever happened to me

[Staashi 371]

Im saying it with a laugh...

You can get more excitement in that sometimes than you can get an AMEN in a church service...

* from one baptist to another*

LOL - true so true. Yeah, they live in a very, very small town in GA, so for them to hear that she was marrying a jewish man - and converting no less - Lord, you would have thought hell had just frozen over. Actually, one of the wildest things was when they wrote up the wedding announcement in their small hometown paper, they had to give a breakdown of everything jewish in the ceremony - "under a chuppa made of white cloth and yellow roses" and then the paper would explain what each thing was - it was like a glossary to the ceremony...Also, it was the first time that a Rabbi had performed a ceremony in their town - everyone was like...what do I say to him??? I said, "You tell him "Hello, Rabbi."

I love it when people shake things up.

Edited July 17, 2008 by Staashi

[doodlebugg 10]

As an aside, how easy is it for these women to convert to Judaism? Judaism usually can be more work to convert into from being an outsider unless you can maybe prove some kind of Jewish ethnicity... or is that only Orthodoxy?

It ranges from extremely easy to extremely hard. It is always possible, although in orthodoxy they make it VERY difficult for you and the the tradition is to turn you away three times. Then of course there are other rabbis that can be bribed or dont take it seriously and its easy.

whatshername from Sex in the City did it for her man. Looked wicked hard to me!

[Staashi 371]

As an aside, how easy is it for these women to convert to Judaism? Judaism usually can be more work to convert into from being an outsider unless you can maybe prove some kind of Jewish ethnicity... or is that only Orthodoxy?

It ranges from extremely easy to extremely hard. It is always possible, although in orthodoxy they make it VERY difficult for you and the the tradition is to turn you away three times. Then of course there are other rabbis that can be bribed or dont take it seriously and its easy.

whatshername from Sex in the City did it for her man. Looked wicked hard to me!

Yeah, Charlotte - my friend's husband is a New Yorker, so she could empathize completely with that character.

[doodlebugg 10]

No matter what is said here, bottom line is that wahrania will have to come to terms with the possible loss of a marriage and what to do with the baby before making any decisions. I can only imagine how frightened you must be, wahrania, contemplating all of what might happen if you actually do anything about this. Maybe frightened isn't the word but the feelings must be overwhelming...........you struggled soooo hard to get him here, paid however much $$$ to visit him, brought your children there, exposed them to a new relationship not to mention going through a very very difficult pregnancy.

What will be the worst that can happen if you confront all of this? Maybe you will end up filing a restraining order, you'll feel guilt from kicking him out of the house, your wallet will again suffer from buying him a ticket home, your pride will be crushed because countless numbers of family members will say "I told you so", and you will be left with one more child to rear on your own. There's more but you all see what she is up against and it's a very very difficult desicion.

When my husband was cheating on me I had a 1 yr old and a newborn, I looked and felt like crapola from being pregnant two years in a row, I was on maternity leave but was about to go back to a very stressful job working 60+ hours/week and seriously thought that I could not do this on my own. Reality was that I would mourn a fantasy.............the marriage in my head was not the marriage that I had and I was indeed the one doing everything and making all of the money anyways. Once that got drilled inside my head it was easier to take one day at a time and go forward. Truth be told I couldn't kick him out. I didn't have the guts to do that. With everything else my family would not take me in because they were all very strict Catholic and no matter what you stay in the marriage. He ended up leaving me for the woman he's married to now (that my kids just adore...isn't that sweet ) and it was SUCH a relief when he was the one who made the move.

I'm digressing but just making a point that it's not as easy as just kicking him to the curb like I had referenced yesterday. We had at least one other member here that went through this same thing last year and it was sooo sooo difficult for her. I really feel for you and hope that you have at least one good person in your life that you can count on because that is so important.

[nunyab 0]

yup..sounds about how mine was too. jordan was "perfect" and americans were not. it is very common for this to happen so don't worry. This is when the patience key starts being used. trust me..u'll need it a lot. if u ever need to talk..let me know..i'm a great listener.

amal

I have had lots of adjustments. When it is good , its amazingly good. When it is bad it is HORRID. When he goes on and on about how perfect Algerian women are and how perfect Algeria is, I ask him about certain things I remember. Throngs of prostitutes in every hotel, garbage piled to the ceiling in the street. Toilets that don't flush. Schools with no books. I ask him to tell me what are the good things about each country. Then he gets very quiet. I TOO have had to listen to non stop lectures about how "dirty" Americans are because we dont clean in the same way that they do over there. I then asked " Why are there no lawns and gardens in your city except very few places? Why do people throw food out the window and cigarettes out the window? Why do they pump raw sewage into the ocean and poop floats by? Where would you want your baby to walk and play? In a green lawn or on a dusty patch of courtyard or street because there is nothing clean and green for kilometers around?

As far as the looks thing goes, mine told me today I was beautiful because I did my hair and put on makeup.. Going to the hairdresser in Iran costs about 2 dollars total so women over there actually do their hair all the time. Same thing in Morocco and Algeria. Here a blow out costs 20 dollars just to have your hair styled with no cut. They are used to women actually taking better care of their hair and make up than we do if you can believe that. I was too busy making money to be able to fill out his affadavit of support and make the minimum to get him here. His family seems to realise that all the time ( his mom sticks up for me)

Here I am pre eclampsia,asthmatic and working full time and now having to go to the OB weekly because I have returned to high risk catagory and any one of our husbands wants to talk about our looks. I am glad my hormonal ### is far away from your husband

I would say... GET OFF NUTTYS BACK> SHE BUSTED HER ### TO GET YOU HERE AND SO DID ALL OF US> WE CANNOT SIT AROUND MAKING COOKIES AND SERVING COFFEE 20 TIMES A DAY AND THEN PUT UP WITH NASTY COMMENTS ABOUT OUR LOOKS> Let me at him Nutty. He will be thrilled to be married to such a nice girl like you when I am done...... SHEESH

LOL

you go gurrrrl

[Nutty 2]

Good post, Bridget!

I noticed that some people here are very critical of Wahrania based on some of her earlier posts. It's kinda crappy to kick a person when they're down.

I think it's better for all of us to be a little more kind hearted when we see one of the group struggling.

[kerewin21 2]

Good post, Bridget!

I noticed that some people here are very critical of Wahrania based on some of her earlier posts. It's kinda crappy to kick a person when they're down.

I think it's better for all of us to be a little more kind hearted when we see one of the group struggling.

It's clear that she's hurting a lot and compassion is the way to go. Wahrania, I hope you find some peace in all of this. Your health and that of your baby are incredibly important. Pre-eclampsia can be a life-threatening condition (though usually not, I'm not trying to scare you). Please take care of yourself above all, the other things can be sorted out once you and the baby are out of harm's way.

[Peikko 1,575]

I can't imagine any of you guys converting to Islam if you weren't married to someone from MENA so to say that you are doing it for 'yourselves' is probably not entirely honest. Had someone converted to Islam and then found a MENA husband then that's a diff kettle of fish entirely.

Not that it matters one way or another of course, but I would bear that in mind if I was trying to be really honest with myself about the reasons I changed my religious beliefs.

As for that poor girl Wahriania, bless her (non religiously because I am not) pregnant and in conflict with her SO? That's just very sad.

[polarbear 0]

I can't imagine any of you guys converting to Islam if you weren't married to someone from MENA so to say that you are doing it for 'yourselves' is probably not entirely honest. Had someone converted to Islam and then found a MENA husband then that's a diff kettle of fish entirely.

Not that it matters one way or another of course, but I would bear that in mind if I was trying to be really honest with myself about the reasons I changed my religious beliefs.

As for that poor girl Wahriania, bless her (non religiously because I am not) pregnant and in conflict with her SO? That's just very sad.

Sorry, but not entirely true. I only know from my own experience, but my SO didn't ever talk about his religion with me, push it on me, or even pray around me until we were married. And at that point it was because I had converted. He answered any questions I had about it, but often told me to find an Imam or someone who had officially studied the religion bc he was afraid of giving me the wrong answer. I also converted after I came back to the US and didn't think I would ever see him again - wasn't even talking to him at that point Long complicated history there and I've posted it before. He actually didn't even know until Ramadan last year. Of course he was happy, but mearly said that it reconfirmed his belief that I was the one he was meant to marry.

Sorry for the mini rant, but I find it kinda offensive when people assume I would change my religion and way of life for a man. He would have married me either way.

As for Wahriania - My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers Don't forget that you need to take care of yourself first in order to take care of your children (including the one inside)