How is your spouse adjusting

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

First off to say that a marriage won’t last is way off, there are so many factors and just because the man is homesick is not a sign of divorce. Sometimes the happiest couples are the ones that end in divorce, not always, but I am sure the BTK killer’s wife had no clue that she was married to a serial killer. So never think you have all the answers, your own marriage could be in trouble and you have no clue. Marriage is hard enough without someone telling you that your marriage is not going to make it. No one knows, unless you are a wonderful psychic. If you are indeed a psychic, should I just throw in the towel on my life? Just wondering, cause right now it looks very dark in here.

I just stopped into work because I cannot post from home and I am picking up some papers but all in all I have done the best I can. In the face of being sick, I patiently waited for 2 months for my husband to get to see his mom.. even though I had a medical expedite. I have dealt with family infighting. Homesickness. I now have pre eclampsia to boot. I am working full time until I give birth as well as taking classes. I have put every single drop of blood into making things work. He has his greencard, his ss and his id and can get a job at any time. I have gotten up to take kids to school, cleaned the house, driven myself to every ob appointment, spent thousands on immigration and phone bills, put up with more than could ever be imagined. I have just done everything I can at this point. I am now 31 weeks pregnant and not one time have I felt catered to or taken care of. If our marriage doesn't last and I am abandoned with this baby sick and alone and working full time and keeping my life afloat, I can say I did the best I can. In all good faith, I will not be surprised if he returns home, nor will I fault him. He has had a difficult time adjusting. I have bent over backwards 15 hours a day to make things halal.. to make things right... to drive him to English school.. to have arabic tv for him. To buy his special foods... all along with ankles 4 inches thick and I cant breathe. I am not even free to use my home computer as I want. Still I face constant criticism that I am not as good as , as smart as , as clean as women back home. All the while I have to somehow keep a job when I am told I am not attractive to him anymore, do something about that hair, your food doesnt taste good... etc. I have done the best I can. If I cant tell you guys .. I cant tell anyone.... this is the end of the road for me and the sadnes has just gotten overwhelming.

I am deeply sad and starting on tranquilizers tonight to help me sleep because my heart is beating out of my chest at this point. I love him. Maybe I am not good enough. But I didnt need to go through all of this to find out. I needed a little love to compensate for all the #### I have had to put up with. At the end of the day< I take responsibility for my stuff but when You hear someone talking about you in Arabic to their mom and they say horrible things when all you do is cater

KHANZA MOUSSA MAHBOULA and you have given all your money and all your love, your credit cards are maxed out and your health is failing. You reach your breaking point. I have reached mine.

I told my mom today that I want my aunt to take the kids when I am induced and I want to be alone when I give birth. I no longer even want him with me in the hospital or in the drs office. I just want to end this journey alone because when you can t take care of the things that matter and you arent getting sleep or help and you really did the best you can it kills you

can you take tranquilzers when pregnant? is this for real?!

Yes VISTORIL which is like Benedryl but a little stronger. I really needed it to get any thing resembling sleep the last week

[doodlebugg 10]

KHANZA MOUSSA MAHBOULA ..................... what's that mean? I just texted it to hubby and he has no idea what it is.

[caybee 21]

KHANZA MOUSSA MAHBOULA ..................... what's that mean? I just texted it to hubby and he has no idea what it is.

Hubby says it means "stinky dirty crazy" in Darija.

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

First off to say that a marriage won’t last is way off, there are so many factors and just because the man is homesick is not a sign of divorce. Sometimes the happiest couples are the ones that end in divorce, not always, but I am sure the BTK killer’s wife had no clue that she was married to a serial killer. So never think you have all the answers, your own marriage could be in trouble and you have no clue. Marriage is hard enough without someone telling you that your marriage is not going to make it. No one knows, unless you are a wonderful psychic. If you are indeed a psychic, should I just throw in the towel on my life? Just wondering, cause right now it looks very dark in here.

Well I have read many many of her posts and I know the type of woman she is. And by the last post in this thread my prediction is correct. I don't wish this on her, I wish she would change and maybe he marriage could work.

[doodlebugg 10]

KHANZA MOUSSA MAHBOULA ..................... what's that mean? I just texted it to hubby and he has no idea what it is.

Hubby says it means "stinky dirty crazy" in Darija.

Thanks.

OMG Wahrania if he said that about you I'd boot him to the curb!!!

[Ban Hammer 13,340]

KHANZA MOUSSA MAHBOULA ..................... what's that mean? I just texted it to hubby and he has no idea what it is.

Hubby says it means "stinky dirty crazy" in Darija.

Thanks.

OMG Wahrania if he said that about you I'd boot him to the curb!!!

and i wouldn't blame her for it either!

[morocco4ever 63]

First off to say that a marriage won’t last is way off, there are so many factors and just because the man is homesick is not a sign of divorce. Sometimes the happiest couples are the ones that end in divorce, not always, but I am sure the BTK killer’s wife had no clue that she was married to a serial killer. So never think you have all the answers, your own marriage could be in trouble and you have no clue. Marriage is hard enough without someone telling you that your marriage is not going to make it. No one knows, unless you are a wonderful psychic. If you are indeed a psychic, should I just throw in the towel on my life? Just wondering, cause right now it looks very dark in here.

Well I have read many many of her posts and I know the type of woman she is. And by the last post in this thread my prediction is correct. I don't wish this on her, I wish she would change and maybe he marriage could work.

So true, we are the evil American women, and he is the man. You should respect him and lie on the ground while he walks all over you!

Did I get that right Gaby&Talbert?

[doodlebugg 10]

First off to say that a marriage won’t last is way off, there are so many factors and just because the man is homesick is not a sign of divorce. Sometimes the happiest couples are the ones that end in divorce, not always, but I am sure the BTK killer’s wife had no clue that she was married to a serial killer. So never think you have all the answers, your own marriage could be in trouble and you have no clue. Marriage is hard enough without someone telling you that your marriage is not going to make it. No one knows, unless you are a wonderful psychic. If you are indeed a psychic, should I just throw in the towel on my life? Just wondering, cause right now it looks very dark in here.

Well I have read many many of her posts and I know the type of woman she is. And by the last post in this thread my prediction is correct. I don't wish this on her, I wish she would change and maybe he marriage could work.

So true, we are the evil American women, and he is the man. You should respect him and lie on the ground while he walks all over you!

Did I get that right Gaby&Talbert?

[Staashi 371]

Wahrania, I feel for you sister. This adjustment period for you all must be hell on earth - and especially to be pregnant trying to get through this has to suck big time. Note to all...having been through this whole immigration process from I-129 to citizenship, my advice is to hold off on the pregnancies if you can. I say this knowing that many of you have truly, truly beautiful MENA babies - they are adorable and I love seeing their pics! But, I will also say, it is in those first few years that you really need that time to get to know each other. I'll never forget when my DH came from Argentina, it was a treat just to go to a movie together, just hang out alone. We're almost to that point that we'll want to start a family, but it has been a Godsend to me to have a husband that says to everyone, "We are taking this time to get to know each other." It has worked in our favor as now we have a good comprehension of one another.

I'm not sure if your husband now has his LPR or if it is conditional, but there is a reason why immigration gives you that Conditional Greencard - it is for you to figure out if this relationship with your spouse is just that - a relationship. It sounds to me like your husband is not in this relationship...you are flying solo and by the seat of your pants...not good. You seem to have so much stress in your life, and that is one thing I have found for almost all that immigrate - they can't believe the stress that Americans live with everyday. For those of us that have really gotten to know our spouse's homeland, we normally love it because there is typically a more stress-free lifestyle. For those spouses who live in warzones that might not be the case...but overall, think about the time you spent in their country and how there was time for socializing, tea times, siestas (or something like that) - I bet you loved it. It is a shock to their system to see how things work here, and they are not used to the hustle and bustle pace that we maintain.

You know, Sarahaziz had an excellent point when she said when you take on your husband's culture and religion you can forget who you are...forgive me Sara if I didn't phrase that exactly word for word. But, here it is - you have got to remember who the hell you were before you ever entered into this process. There were times when I was going through rough patches with my DH - I would almost forget who I was...I bucked up and said to myself, first and foremost, I'm an American woman - I honest to God don't have to take this S#!T. I would let myself have a 1 hour pity party and then I would tell him how I felt, and always reminded him that if he didn't want to stay married to me that the big "D" was always an option. We've made it through and we're still in this together - but it isn't without some truly hard times.

I think of you MENA gals alot and my respect for you runs deep...you are truly unique in that many of you, not all, have converted to Islam, you wear hijab and abayas, and you leave behind so much of yourself for your husband. That is tremendously difficult even when it is done out of love. But I will say this, somewhere deep inside of you, you have to find that place where you remember who you were before...it reminds me of the show Designing Women, where Charlene had a great girlfriend from her childhood, Mavis, who was being abused by her husband. Charlene said, "Mavis we were the Rowdy Girls - how could you forget?" Which is what I say to you...don't forget that somewhere deep inside of you a Rowdy Girl lives within - don't be afraid to haul her A$$ back out to make an appearance just to give your husband a taste of who you really are. And, if that man can't handle it, show him where the door is.

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

First off to say that a marriage won’t last is way off, there are so many factors and just because the man is homesick is not a sign of divorce. Sometimes the happiest couples are the ones that end in divorce, not always, but I am sure the BTK killer’s wife had no clue that she was married to a serial killer. So never think you have all the answers, your own marriage could be in trouble and you have no clue. Marriage is hard enough without someone telling you that your marriage is not going to make it. No one knows, unless you are a wonderful psychic. If you are indeed a psychic, should I just throw in the towel on my life? Just wondering, cause right now it looks very dark in here.

I just stopped into work because I cannot post from home and I am picking up some papers but all in all I have done the best I can. In the face of being sick, I patiently waited for 2 months for my husband to get to see his mom.. even though I had a medical expedite. I have dealt with family infighting. Homesickness. I now have pre eclampsia to boot. I am working full time until I give birth as well as taking classes. I have put every single drop of blood into making things work. He has his greencard, his ss and his id and can get a job at any time. I have gotten up to take kids to school, cleaned the house, driven myself to every ob appointment, spent thousands on immigration and phone bills, put up with more than could ever be imagined. I have just done everything I can at this point. I am now 31 weeks pregnant and not one time have I felt catered to or taken care of. If our marriage doesn't last and I am abandoned with this baby sick and alone and working full time and keeping my life afloat, I can say I did the best I can. In all good faith, I will not be surprised if he returns home, nor will I fault him. He has had a difficult time adjusting. I have bent over backwards 15 hours a day to make things halal.. to make things right... to drive him to English school.. to have arabic tv for him. To buy his special foods... all along with ankles 4 inches thick and I cant breathe. I am not even free to use my home computer as I want. Still I face constant criticism that I am not as good as , as smart as , as clean as women back home. All the while I have to somehow keep a job when I am told I am not attractive to him anymore, do something about that hair, your food doesnt taste good... etc. I have done the best I can. If I cant tell you guys .. I cant tell anyone.... this is the end of the road for me and the sadnes has just gotten overwhelming.

I am deeply sad and starting on tranquilizers tonight to help me sleep because my heart is beating out of my chest at this point. I love him. Maybe I am not good enough. But I didnt need to go through all of this to find out. I needed a little love to compensate for all the #### I have had to put up with. At the end of the day< I take responsibility for my stuff but when You hear someone talking about you in Arabic to their mom and they say horrible things when all you do is cater

KHANZA MOUSSA MAHBOULA and you have given all your money and all your love, your credit cards are maxed out and your health is failing. You reach your breaking point. I have reached mine.

I told my mom today that I want my aunt to take the kids when I am induced and I want to be alone when I give birth. I no longer even want him with me in the hospital or in the drs office. I just want to end this journey alone because when you can t take care of the things that matter and you arent getting sleep or help and you really did the best you can it kills you

The having the baby alone thing is more because at this point, I dont even want him in the process of having the baby with me. I feel like I am at my breaking point because I have given all I can and I cant do anymore. I just think If I face the rest of this alone, at least my bp wont be 160 and maybe the baby will be better for it.

AGAIN.. I am not blaming him for everything. I am saying we did not know each other enough. He had an unrealistic idea about here and over idealises back home so much that he wont make the adjustments to make it work here like he needs to . I love him. I just may end up delivering the baby alone.. completely

I hate to say "I told you so" but you got mad at me when I said that all the anger and doubts you had before he ever came here was a clear sign that it wasn't going to work out. I will be blunt but you need some serious conseling before you get into a relationship again. It is never a good sign to have so many complaints about someone before marriage and then go through with the marriage. Everyone always says it takes 2 to make a marriage work or fail but this isn't always the case. One person can ruin a marriage but it is true that it takes 2 to make a successful marriage.

I would like to say I am sorry and I hope you can get your life in order and find peace and happiness with yourself.

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

First off to say that a marriage won’t last is way off, there are so many factors and just because the man is homesick is not a sign of divorce. Sometimes the happiest couples are the ones that end in divorce, not always, but I am sure the BTK killer’s wife had no clue that she was married to a serial killer. So never think you have all the answers, your own marriage could be in trouble and you have no clue. Marriage is hard enough without someone telling you that your marriage is not going to make it. No one knows, unless you are a wonderful psychic. If you are indeed a psychic, should I just throw in the towel on my life? Just wondering, cause right now it looks very dark in here.

Well I have read many many of her posts and I know the type of woman she is. And by the last post in this thread my prediction is correct. I don't wish this on her, I wish she would change and maybe he marriage could work.

So true, we are the evil American women, and he is the man. You should respect him and lie on the ground while he walks all over you!

Did I get that right Gaby&Talbert?

No that is not what I am saying. She should have walked away from the relationship before he ever came here but no she complained about everything and still brought him here.

If someone is going to b i t c h about everything then marry someone who will put up with it and will kiss her a s s all the time. You can't pretend to be someone you are not. She needed to lay it on the line to her husband what she expected and if not then walk away. She should have seen exactly what he was like back in his home and accept him for that and not expect him to change.

[morocco4ever 63]

Oh GAWD!!! Can we enter back into the real world now?

[Nutty 2]

I tell you the adjusting period is a roller coaster. A few good days and then a few bad....

I will say that my husband does not mind me drinking. In fact, I make it a ritual to have two cocktails each night (be it two beers, two margheritas, whatever). I made sure to tell him it is an "American custom that we enjoy social drinking and that there are even some health benefits to daily consumption of moderate alcohol."

Now he actually likes it when I drink because I loosen up.

Also, this past weekend we went camping...Again we had some disagreements...Later my husband admitted that a friend of his also commented that my husband is a "contrarian." (If I say white, you say black).

Thank God my husband realizes he has this tendency.

[Staashi 371]

Also, this past weekend we went camping...Again we had some disagreements...Later my husband admitted that a friend of his also commented that my husband is a "contrarian." (If I say white, you say black).

Thank God my husband realizes he has this tendency.

Nutty, all the better that it came from a friend and not from you.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Arab men, well let me say that Latino men are just as stubborn and bullheaded and maybe more so. Now back to the problem at hand, to be pregnant and not have the support of your husband is awful. I agree with Charles on this one, it is time for him to put his big boy pants on and be a freaking man, husband and father. The cleaning part really got me; Americans are over the top germ phobic, so I don’t know what the hell he is talking about. It makes me angry to see a pregnant sick woman treated like #######, you don’t deserve that. Now if you want to have a little fun, and maybe get a few laughs, start reading true crime books, one where the wife slaughters the husband. Make sure you leave the book lying around and that you get one with pictures, always a nice touch. Also turn on TV and watch the show called Snapped, good stuff, make sure he watches it with you. The last time I saw my husband I had the serial killer bible with me, makes my husband crazy with my love of crime. He really has to get his self together, he is not the first man to come to America, and won’t be the last. Of course you miss you home country, that is only natural, but he has some responsibilities here that he needs to act like a grown man and support his wife. Saying things about the way you look is not acceptable EVER, not the way he said it. You should be pampered and spoiled and loved during your pregnancy. Next time, marry a man with some money and knows how to handle himself and make a good life for you and your children. I am kinda of mad thinking of this guy right now, he needs a good kick in the ###. I know my Grandfather came to America and didn't speak a word of english, he worked very hard to get a good life here. He would never allow my Grandmother to work, he took care of her, and really always looked after her. In my culture it is a dishonor for a man to live off a women, big shame. Hang in there and you come on here and vent all you want. You are not alone, you have friends right here who do care about you.

To bring a conclusion to the story, his mom has actually tried very hard to be supportive of me.

My husband has done some things over the last week that have floored me. First he took my laptop which was a present from my brother and smashed it into pieces and stepped on it. I had found him chatting with other women and I was devastated ( I had installed Spector PRO and could screenshot everything he did when I was at work) I told him that this wasnt a life for me to be working and for him to be able to work and doing nothing to fix his situation. He became enraged and smashed the computer in the kitchen , stepping on it. Afterwards he refused to speak to me the rest of the day and into the evening. I did not react. I just swept up the computer and put it into a bag and threw it away. Later that evening he told me that he loved me and started talking about a married Canadian woman he had been talking to in MSN ( apparently he thought I saw THAT particular im exchange as well) Apparently he thought I caught him doing more than he did but it really didnt matter. I ended up with a shattered laptop and no way to work from home but remember since he has been here he has barely let me on the computer ( he would sit for hours either chatting, surfing etc. or watching Algerian television or using skype) Needless to say, I will not be buying another laptop anytime soon. I dont care too much if I have the net at home anyway but its killing me. Hes apologised about a thousand time but I told him I am not going to tell my family because my brother bought me that as a present and he would be devastated. My family doesnt do all this drama and isnt loud spoken etc.

I will tell you , for you VIRTUAL WIFE, that NOT ALL ARAB CULTURES are created similar. Some arabs are more known to be soft spoken...some more funny....etc. Moroccans are known as DIPLOMATS. They get along with everyone and have a very nice nature to tourists. Algerians from the years I have been going there are fiercely loving and loyal to their country and as you know have lived engulfed in either civil war, occupation or terrorism. This is NOT TO EXCUSE ANYTHING OR BAD BEHAVIOR but you say again and again that somehow I have either chosen a mysogynist or that there is no ring of truth to anything I say. The temperament of many Algerians can be at time a bit more abrupt and forthright than many cultures because frankly they are a republic not a kingdom and everyone their has grown up in an environment of collectivism and jihad. Anytime a culture loses 1,000,000 to civil war and terrorism, then you have a generation that grew up watching people shot in the street and their throats cut ( my husband not only witness all of this from about 12 on he also served in the army during the height of terrorism ( late 90s) I am not defending him or excusing him but he has had an immense adjustment to EVERYTHING... even running water and daily showers and not going to be hungry. I really have been wanting to thrown in the towel with him. He literally went for 2 weeks without kissing me or holding me and holing himself up in his bed. After he broke the computer it was like he broke into tears. He wouldnt stop kissing me or holding me or talking to me and he has been acting alot different over the last few days. He kept saying I am so sorry to me. What amazed me is how understanding my family has been about him adjusting. My mom would listen to me tell her the things he was doing and she said just let him be and keep going and I did.. You predict that I will have failure in my relationship as if somehow I am doing something to earn it. On the contrary, I have found out things about myself over this last 2 months that I never could have imagined. My husband literally is terrified to be here. Terrified of failure. Terrified of his language barrier. He is just now adjusting to the food. I am in alot of pain emotionally because I want him to be happy. He has so many wonderful qualities. We do not have a huge age disparity. We are having a baby together. There are many things going for us if we can just overcome his adjusting to this place. I would be lying to tell you that this has been a cakewalk. Its been up.... down ... and everything in between. His particular background was a little bit more extreme than many others. His father was from the SAHARA and was an IBADI muslim and severely mistreated his more moderate big city Mother. Its about alot more than just being arab. There are so many sub cultures within the catagory arab that culturally you can step on toes and mess up with out even trying too hard.

All I know is that I am doing the best I can every single day, working, planning for the baby and I have school next week and I just have alot on me. I think its come down to either he bucks up and faces things and grows up or goes home. His mom wants him to adapt and stay and when he has wanted to leave , I think he s sad because she wants him to buck up, my mom wants him to buck up and so do I. All I know is I cant do much more than I am doing.. I love him very much. Hes done some things that have really pissed me off and hurt me but I am trying to hang in there