How is your spouse adjusting

[Nutty 2]

I am just curious....We are having ups and downs which is to be expected....

I noticed my husband is very attached to "things iranian." For example, he has a year planning calender with little Iranian quotes on the margins. He sits a reads and rereads them. A lot of conversations are dominated by the subject of "how Iranian people are, behave."

I won't deny there have been two dramas because he said and did one or two things I found highly insensitive.

(He called me "average looking" when I asked him how I looked and he was stingy on my birthday and bought me 2 flowers after I asked him to, not a full bouqet).

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

I am just curious....We are having ups and downs which is to be expected....

I noticed my husband is very attached to "things iranian." For example, he has a year planning calender with little Iranian quotes on the margins. He sits a reads and rereads them. A lot of conversations are dominated by the subject of "how Iranian people are, behave."

I won't deny there have been two dramas because he said and did one or two things I found highly insensitive.

(He called me "average looking" when I asked him how I looked and he was stingy on my birthday and bought me 2 flowers after I asked him to, not a full bouqet).

Everyone will miss things familiar to them, my wife misses many things about her home country but they never cause fights. I understand and I miss alot of the things she misses too like her family and the food.

The issues you brought up about his oppinion of your looks and not buying you the gifts you want isn't an adjustment issue with America but with you.

[maggieNomar 0]

I have noticed that it's common for middle eastern people to say things as fact, not worrying or thinking about if they hurt someone's feelings. We would generally not tell someone they are fat to their face, but they say how they see it, and it's not considered mean or rude. There is a period of adjusting to culture differences.I dont' think your SO has been here that long. Just try to keep communication open. Good luck Nutty.

[amal 4]

yup..sounds about how mine was too. jordan was "perfect" and americans were not. it is very common for this to happen so don't worry. This is when the patience key starts being used. trust me..u'll need it a lot. if u ever need to talk..let me know..i'm a great listener.

amal

[Nita&Assaad 0]

I agree with what you said Gaby&Talbert... Of course he will miss and be attached to his Iranian culture .....This is a big adjustment coming to the United States.

Also Nutty Unfortunately you can't make anyone do things that don't come from within themselves to want to do. This was something that should have been brought up before you went further in the relationship or got married to see if you and your spouse would get out of the relationship what you were seeking! Isn't that why we get married to someone, because we found that part we been searching for!?! Just my 2 cents on the subject.

Good Luck Nutty

I am just curious....We are having ups and downs which is to be expected....

I noticed my husband is very attached to "things iranian." For example, he has a year planning calender with little Iranian quotes on the margins. He sits a reads and rereads them. A lot of conversations are dominated by the subject of "how Iranian people are, behave."

I won't deny there have been two dramas because he said and did one or two things I found highly insensitive.

(He called me "average looking" when I asked him how I looked and he was stingy on my birthday and bought me 2 flowers after I asked him to, not a full bouqet).

Everyone will miss things familiar to them, my wife misses many things about her home country but they never cause fights. I understand and I miss alot of the things she misses too like her family and the food.

The issues you brought up about his oppinion of your looks and not buying you the gifts you want isn't an adjustment issue with America but with you.

Edited July 9, 2008 by Nita&Assaad

[doodlebugg 10]

I always read these threads and never know what to say because our situation seems to be going so smoothly. So far so good!

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

yup..sounds about how mine was too. jordan was "perfect" and americans were not. it is very common for this to happen so don't worry. This is when the patience key starts being used. trust me..u'll need it a lot. if u ever need to talk..let me know..i'm a great listener.

amal

I have had lots of adjustments. When it is good , its amazingly good. When it is bad it is HORRID. When he goes on and on about how perfect Algerian women are and how perfect Algeria is, I ask him about certain things I remember. Throngs of prostitutes in every hotel, garbage piled to the ceiling in the street. Toilets that don't flush. Schools with no books. I ask him to tell me what are the good things about each country. Then he gets very quiet. I TOO have had to listen to non stop lectures about how "dirty" Americans are because we dont clean in the same way that they do over there. I then asked " Why are there no lawns and gardens in your city except very few places? Why do people throw food out the window and cigarettes out the window? Why do they pump raw sewage into the ocean and poop floats by? Where would you want your baby to walk and play? In a green lawn or on a dusty patch of courtyard or street because there is nothing clean and green for kilometers around?

As far as the looks thing goes, mine told me today I was beautiful because I did my hair and put on makeup.. Going to the hairdresser in Iran costs about 2 dollars total so women over there actually do their hair all the time. Same thing in Morocco and Algeria. Here a blow out costs 20 dollars just to have your hair styled with no cut. They are used to women actually taking better care of their hair and make up than we do if you can believe that. I was too busy making money to be able to fill out his affadavit of support and make the minimum to get him here. His family seems to realise that all the time ( his mom sticks up for me)

Here I am pre eclampsia,asthmatic and working full time and now having to go to the OB weekly because I have returned to high risk catagory and any one of our husbands wants to talk about our looks. I am glad my hormonal ### is far away from your husband

I would say... GET OFF NUTTYS BACK> SHE BUSTED HER ### TO GET YOU HERE AND SO DID ALL OF US> WE CANNOT SIT AROUND MAKING COOKIES AND SERVING COFFEE 20 TIMES A DAY AND THEN PUT UP WITH NASTY COMMENTS ABOUT OUR LOOKS> Let me at him Nutty. He will be thrilled to be married to such a nice girl like you when I am done...... SHEESH

LOL

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I always read these threads and never know what to say because our situation seems to be going so smoothly. So far so good!

It may be going smoothly now but you will have your moments sometime or another

Still waters run very deep

PS... you two may have had issues with one thing or another, but maybe Bridget you had good coping and planning skills to not allow things to go bad. You also may be an extremely organized person ( like planning out the bus and preparing for his arrival etc)

The other thing is you may have a very good natured laid back husband who just goes with the flow. Some of us have more combative or disagreeable husbands or maybe their nature is just not as easy going. Not every arab is going to take a bus pass and hop on the bus. Especially those that wouldnt ride the bus back home.It depends alot on the personality of the husband as to how things are working.

I have seen very quiet and well behaved husbands take an exit ticket out of the marriage once they got papers and the wives never knew what hit them because they never fought one time.

Each couple will have its level of commitment. Some will have all kinds of stuff going on and really love each other. Some have a more laid back dynamic. Some are some where in between.

I for one love reading the posts because you get to see all kinds of things

I am glad things are going so well for you. I am doing ok...I have had to compromise ALOT

[polarbear 0]

I am just curious....We are having ups and downs which is to be expected....

I noticed my husband is very attached to "things iranian." For example, he has a year planning calender with little Iranian quotes on the margins. He sits a reads and rereads them. A lot of conversations are dominated by the subject of "how Iranian people are, behave."

I won't deny there have been two dramas because he said and did one or two things I found highly insensitive.

(He called me "average looking" when I asked him how I looked and he was stingy on my birthday and bought me 2 flowers after I asked him to, not a full bouqet).

I told my husband that I've never had anyone buy my flowers for my birthday so I would just go out and spoil myself with a bouquet.... so come my birthday we were in the car and he pulls over to one of the flower stands by the road and says he wants me to buy flowers for my birthday hands me some cash and stays in the car I did buy them 'cause I did want flowers, but geese. Got home and put them in a vase and he tells me how pretty they are, gives me a hug and a kiss A few min. later I find out he thought I liked to buy them myself and he wanted to make sure I had a chance on my birthday I gave him a break bc he though he was being thoughtful and he did buy me balloons earlier in the day for my backporch BBQ

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I am just curious....We are having ups and downs which is to be expected....

I noticed my husband is very attached to "things iranian." For example, he has a year planning calender with little Iranian quotes on the margins. He sits a reads and rereads them. A lot of conversations are dominated by the subject of "how Iranian people are, behave."

I won't deny there have been two dramas because he said and did one or two things I found highly insensitive.

(He called me "average looking" when I asked him how I looked and he was stingy on my birthday and bought me 2 flowers after I asked him to, not a full bouqet).

I told my husband that I've never had anyone buy my flowers for my birthday so I would just go out and spoil myself with a bouquet.... so come my birthday we were in the car and he pulls over to one of the flower stands by the road and says he wants me to buy flowers for my birthday hands me some cash and stays in the car I did buy them 'cause I did want flowers, but geese. Got home and put them in a vase and he tells me how pretty they are, gives me a hug and a kiss A few min. later I find out he thought I liked to buy them myself and he wanted to make sure I had a chance on my birthday I gave him a break bc he though he was being thoughtful and he did buy me balloons earlier in the day for my backporch BBQ

Mine thinks he is giving me a break sweeping the floor. Gees

[AlHayatZween 2]

Dear Nutty,

so sorry to hear about your rough patch. as you know, my hubbie is not here yet, so i can only offer you my happy thoughts...

just some things to keep in mind, that a lot of time all men are clueless as to what we'd like to hear... and when translation comes into play it's a whole other bag of worms. he might have said, "average" but he might have meant that your as pretty as the prettiest girl out there! or something to that effect!

as for your b-day... that is a bummer, but if it is any consolation, a lot of times i have to straight up tell my hubbie what to buy me, because he's a little new at this relationship stuff. he is also terrible at remembering b-days and anniversaries, i think b/c his family doesn't maintain that kind of custom. most of them don't even know when they were born exactly! maybe it is similar where your hubbie is from?

this is all to say, hang in there!

you are beautiful and you will be alright!

hz

[doodlebugg 10]

I always read these threads and never know what to say because our situation seems to be going so smoothly. So far so good!

It may be going smoothly now but you will have your moments sometime or another

Still waters run very deep

PS... you two may have had issues with one thing or another, but maybe Bridget you had good coping and planning skills to not allow things to go bad. You also may be an extremely organized person ( like planning out the bus and preparing for his arrival etc)

The other thing is you may have a very good natured laid back husband who just goes with the flow. Some of us have more combative or disagreeable husbands or maybe their nature is just not as easy going. Not every arab is going to take a bus pass and hop on the bus. Especially those that wouldnt ride the bus back home.It depends alot on the personality of the husband as to how things are working.

I have seen very quiet and well behaved husbands take an exit ticket out of the marriage once they got papers and the wives never knew what hit them because they never fought one time.

Each couple will have its level of commitment. Some will have all kinds of stuff going on and really love each other. Some have a more laid back dynamic. Some are some where in between.

I for one love reading the posts because you get to see all kinds of things

I am glad things are going so well for you. I am doing ok...I have had to compromise ALOT

I feel like you're mad that things are good with us and it's a little bit hurtful to add in there that some husband's skidaddle out when all was well. Not every single marriage with an Arab is alike. They cannot be generalized like that. Sure some adjustments will be the same, like buying more pita bread or making more ethnic foods, etc. but aside from that stuff each man is a man no matter if they're Chinese, French, Russian or Arab.

My husband is very laid back. He goes into Boston everyday and applies to about 3 places in person and then when he's back home applies to another 20 online. When they say no thank you he used to get depressed but I'd just pep-talk him that night and off he'd go again the next day. He loves to garden now and my sister comes over when she has her days off and gives him more cuts from her garden to plant.

I'm also very very laid back as well. Maybe that's the key? I dunno. I have fought with him on three occasions since he's been here but each time it was due to his not having the a/c on in a muggy 95 degree day and my coming home hot and hormonal. Those three times lasted maybe 1/2 hour though 'cause I'd just take a cold shower, literally, and we'd kiss and make up.

He's never once compared women in Egypt to women in the US. He's never complained about a thing that I've done other than to mention two bad meals which I agreed were just terrible. lol.

I don't know what to say. maybe I just got lucky but to insinuate that it will indeed turn sour at some point is just not nice, though I'll give you a pass since you're going through a lot.

With preclampsia shouldn't you be on at least partial bedrest now? I had toxemia and I had to fight with my doctor to let me work 20hours/week since I was the main breadwinner at the time. I hope you feel better soon.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I always read these threads and never know what to say because our situation seems to be going so smoothly. So far so good!

It may be going smoothly now but you will have your moments sometime or another

Still waters run very deep

PS... you two may have had issues with one thing or another, but maybe Bridget you had good coping and planning skills to not allow things to go bad. You also may be an extremely organized person ( like planning out the bus and preparing for his arrival etc)

The other thing is you may have a very good natured laid back husband who just goes with the flow. Some of us have more combative or disagreeable husbands or maybe their nature is just not as easy going. Not every arab is going to take a bus pass and hop on the bus. Especially those that wouldnt ride the bus back home.It depends alot on the personality of the husband as to how things are working.

I have seen very quiet and well behaved husbands take an exit ticket out of the marriage once they got papers and the wives never knew what hit them because they never fought one time.

Each couple will have its level of commitment. Some will have all kinds of stuff going on and really love each other. Some have a more laid back dynamic. Some are some where in between.

I for one love reading the posts because you get to see all kinds of things

I am glad things are going so well for you. I am doing ok...I have had to compromise ALOT

I feel like you're mad that things are good with us and it's a little bit hurtful to add in there that some husband's skidaddle out when all was well. Not every single marriage with an Arab is alike. They cannot be generalized like that. Sure some adjustments will be the same, like buying more pita bread or making more ethnic foods, etc. but aside from that stuff each man is a man no matter if they're Chinese, French, Russian or Arab.

My husband is very laid back. He goes into Boston everyday and applies to about 3 places in person and then when he's back home applies to another 20 online. When they say no thank you he used to get depressed but I'd just pep-talk him that night and off he'd go again the next day. He loves to garden now and my sister comes over when she has her days off and gives him more cuts from her garden to plant.

I'm also very very laid back as well. Maybe that's the key? I dunno. I have fought with him on three occasions since he's been here but each time it was due to his not having the a/c on in a muggy 95 degree day and my coming home hot and hormonal. Those three times lasted maybe 1/2 hour though 'cause I'd just take a cold shower, literally, and we'd kiss and make up.

He's never once compared women in Egypt to women in the US. He's never complained about a thing that I've done other than to mention two bad meals which I agreed were just terrible. lol.

I don't know what to say. maybe I just got lucky but to insinuate that it will indeed turn sour at some point is just not nice, though I'll give you a pass since you're going through a lot.

With preclampsia shouldn't you be on at least partial bedrest now? I had toxemia and I had to fight with my doctor to let me work 20hours/week since I was the main breadwinner at the time. I hope you feel better soon.

Like I said HE IS A VERY LAID BACK GUY. This is not the norm that there are NEVER problems and things are always perfect. Its kind of like kids. One kid could have colic 24 hours a day , the next sleep through the night. I think how they adjust has a tremendous amount to do with the SPOUSE'S attitude. If he is repeatedly applying for jobs, easily taking the bus without complaint and never compares you to people back home, you have a JEWEL. All I can say is maybe your are either extremely lucky or like I said, you really planned for him to be here.

Also, You are in a major metropolitan area with an EXTREMELY easy to navigate public transport system . Some of us have to walk 2 miles to a bus that comes once every hour or more

About my pre eclampsia. I work a 1099 job . I am my own boss. I not only DO NOT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE, I also have no rights about employment nor do I get ANY MONEY if I dont work. I dont have an employer per se although I get paid. Also MASS is a state where they give lots of medical coverage as well as having a great school system and public welfare system and public transport system. I live in Florida , the land of no unions, crappy public transport full of tourists wandering around.Your doctor could put you on bedrest and someone would care and give you time off. I have no where to turn because this is a right to work state with no rights for pregnant women as far as freebies

I just think its a little polly anna for us to compare how they adjust because of all the variables. My husband cannot easily get ANYWHERE by himself because the buses are next to impossible to navigate even for us locals,especially in 100 percent humidity and 90 degree heat .

We are all in COMPLETELY different situations, with different economic situations ( we have had this discussion on the boards etc. ) Some of us make 80,000 a year. Some make 10,000 . Some have co sponsors. I just think so many factors factor in in adjusting... A wife making a ton of money has got to help in the adjustments ( I dont know what you make so I dont know)

It doesnt make it easy that I am the sole support of my family and very sick... Laid back would really help but I didnt get that lucky.. Its no reflection on you.

Its just that you cant compare because you dont know all the variable.s

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I always read these threads and never know what to say because our situation seems to be going so smoothly. So far so good!

It may be going smoothly now but you will have your moments sometime or another

Still waters run very deep

PS... you two may have had issues with one thing or another, but maybe Bridget you had good coping and planning skills to not allow things to go bad. You also may be an extremely organized person ( like planning out the bus and preparing for his arrival etc)

The other thing is you may have a very good natured laid back husband who just goes with the flow. Some of us have more combative or disagreeable husbands or maybe their nature is just not as easy going. Not every arab is going to take a bus pass and hop on the bus. Especially those that wouldnt ride the bus back home.It depends alot on the personality of the husband as to how things are working.

I have seen very quiet and well behaved husbands take an exit ticket out of the marriage once they got papers and the wives never knew what hit them because they never fought one time.

Each couple will have its level of commitment. Some will have all kinds of stuff going on and really love each other. Some have a more laid back dynamic. Some are some where in between.

I for one love reading the posts because you get to see all kinds of things

I am glad things are going so well for you. I am doing ok...I have had to compromise ALOT

I feel like you're mad that things are good with us and it's a little bit hurtful to add in there that some husband's skidaddle out when all was well. Not every single marriage with an Arab is alike. They cannot be generalized like that. Sure some adjustments will be the same, like buying more pita bread or making more ethnic foods, etc. but aside from that stuff each man is a man no matter if they're Chinese, French, Russian or Arab.

My husband is very laid back. He goes into Boston everyday and applies to about 3 places in person and then when he's back home applies to another 20 online. When they say no thank you he used to get depressed but I'd just pep-talk him that night and off he'd go again the next day. He loves to garden now and my sister comes over when she has her days off and gives him more cuts from her garden to plant.

I'm also very very laid back as well. Maybe that's the key? I dunno. I have fought with him on three occasions since he's been here but each time it was due to his not having the a/c on in a muggy 95 degree day and my coming home hot and hormonal. Those three times lasted maybe 1/2 hour though 'cause I'd just take a cold shower, literally, and we'd kiss and make up.

He's never once compared women in Egypt to women in the US. He's never complained about a thing that I've done other than to mention two bad meals which I agreed were just terrible. lol.

I don't know what to say. maybe I just got lucky but to insinuate that it will indeed turn sour at some point is just not nice, though I'll give you a pass since you're going through a lot.

With preclampsia shouldn't you be on at least partial bedrest now? I had toxemia and I had to fight with my doctor to let me work 20hours/week since I was the main breadwinner at the time. I hope you feel better soon.

Yes I should be on bed rest. But my mortgage company wouldnt understand. They will foreclose on me and dont give a ####. We dont have lots of welfare here to help pay bills here in Florida. Its everyone for themselves around here LOL

[doodlebugg 10]

I always read these threads and never know what to say because our situation seems to be going so smoothly. So far so good!

It may be going smoothly now but you will have your moments sometime or another

Still waters run very deep

PS... you two may have had issues with one thing or another, but maybe Bridget you had good coping and planning skills to not allow things to go bad. You also may be an extremely organized person ( like planning out the bus and preparing for his arrival etc)

The other thing is you may have a very good natured laid back husband who just goes with the flow. Some of us have more combative or disagreeable husbands or maybe their nature is just not as easy going. Not every arab is going to take a bus pass and hop on the bus. Especially those that wouldnt ride the bus back home.It depends alot on the personality of the husband as to how things are working.

I have seen very quiet and well behaved husbands take an exit ticket out of the marriage once they got papers and the wives never knew what hit them because they never fought one time.

Each couple will have its level of commitment. Some will have all kinds of stuff going on and really love each other. Some have a more laid back dynamic. Some are some where in between.

I for one love reading the posts because you get to see all kinds of things

I am glad things are going so well for you. I am doing ok...I have had to compromise ALOT

I feel like you're mad that things are good with us and it's a little bit hurtful to add in there that some husband's skidaddle out when all was well. Not every single marriage with an Arab is alike. They cannot be generalized like that. Sure some adjustments will be the same, like buying more pita bread or making more ethnic foods, etc. but aside from that stuff each man is a man no matter if they're Chinese, French, Russian or Arab.

My husband is very laid back. He goes into Boston everyday and applies to about 3 places in person and then when he's back home applies to another 20 online. When they say no thank you he used to get depressed but I'd just pep-talk him that night and off he'd go again the next day. He loves to garden now and my sister comes over when she has her days off and gives him more cuts from her garden to plant.

I'm also very very laid back as well. Maybe that's the key? I dunno. I have fought with him on three occasions since he's been here but each time it was due to his not having the a/c on in a muggy 95 degree day and my coming home hot and hormonal. Those three times lasted maybe 1/2 hour though 'cause I'd just take a cold shower, literally, and we'd kiss and make up.

He's never once compared women in Egypt to women in the US. He's never complained about a thing that I've done other than to mention two bad meals which I agreed were just terrible. lol.

I don't know what to say. maybe I just got lucky but to insinuate that it will indeed turn sour at some point is just not nice, though I'll give you a pass since you're going through a lot.

With preclampsia shouldn't you be on at least partial bedrest now? I had toxemia and I had to fight with my doctor to let me work 20hours/week since I was the main breadwinner at the time. I hope you feel better soon.

Like I said HE IS A VERY LAID BACK GUY. This is not the norm that there are NEVER problems and things are always perfect. Its kind of like kids. One kid could have colic 24 hours a day , the next sleep through the night. I think how they adjust has a tremendous amount to do with the SPOUSE'S attitude. If he is repeatedly applying for jobs, easily taking the bus without complaint and never compares you to people back home, you have a JEWEL. All I can say is maybe your are either extremely lucky or like I said, you really planned for him to be here.

Also, You are in a major metropolitan area with an EXTREMELY easy to navigate public transport system . Some of us have to walk 2 miles to a bus that comes once every hour or more

About my pre eclampsia. I work a 1099 job . I am my own boss. I not only DO NOT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE, I also have no rights about employment nor do I get ANY MONEY if I dont work. I dont have an employer per se although I get paid. Also MASS is a state where they give lots of medical coverage as well as having a great school system and public welfare system and public transport system. I live in Florida , the land of no unions, crappy public transport full of tourists wandering around.Your doctor could put you on bedrest and someone would care and give you time off. I have no where to turn because this is a right to work state with no rights for pregnant women as far as freebies

I just think its a little polly anna for us to compare how they adjust because of all the variables. My husband cannot easily get ANYWHERE by himself because the buses are next to impossible to navigate even for us locals,especially in 100 percent humidity and 90 degree heat .

We are all in COMPLETELY different situations, with different economic situations ( we have had this discussion on the boards etc. ) Some of us make 80,000 a year. Some make 10,000 . Some have co sponsors. I just think so many factors factor in in adjusting... A wife making a ton of money has got to help in the adjustments ( I dont know what you make so I dont know)

It doesnt make it easy that I am the sole support of my family and very sick... Laid back would really help but I didnt get that lucky.. Its no reflection on you.

Its just that you cant compare because you dont know all the variable.s

That is very true. I even compare our situation and say geez it would be sooo much easier if we lived in NYC 'cause then finding work for him wouldn't be so hard.

I do make a very very good living and don't need his income at all so that helps a LOT.

I have to make a correction though, it was hard the second week he was here because I had my tubal ligation reversed and could barely function. I totally blocked that week out of my mind and I'm sorry. That week SUCKED. LOL. He went from having his sisters wait on him hand and foot to having to live with a wife would could barely walk for a few days. I expected him to cook and clean. hahahahahahahaha. He *did* step up to the plate on like day 3 after we got home from the surgery but that was after a lot of bickering and a lot of promising on my part NEVER to tell anyone that he did the dishes or cooked etc. That was actually a nice thing even though it was hard because now he's more willing to do things when I'm tired, etc. and the chores are pretty much 50/50 with him taking the harder tasks.

You are right we're all in different situations so it's not easy to compare. I hope things get better for everyone!