Is It Normal...

[AlHayatZween 2]

Salaam Everybody,

Hope everybody is well. i haven't been on much b/c my internet is not hooked up at home yet...

My habeeb is supposed to come very soon... like in 2 weeks. i've been so excited and really trying to pull everything together, until this week i kinda hit a wall. All of a sudden we aren't talking much (b/c he has been traveling around Morocco visiting family) and it feels weird. i'm afraid i'm making a bad choice by making him come here... what if he can't find a job? what if he hates it? what if he thinks all the girls with big boobs and perfect hair are way prettier than me, and i lose him to some hottie? what if i become the old ball & chain?

We've been waiting for this for sooooooooo long, why am i feeling so down lately? Are these feelings normal?

:unsure:

hz

[♥JP♥ 5]

HZ

I would have to say the majority of our fighting occured during the home stretch and it even continued when he got here. In my case, he came on a K-1 and we were trying to finalize wedding details for he most part. Hang in there, this is a small temporary rough patch that many people go through. He is going to be making a major life change in the next two weeks and all that talk about coming here and starting a life is about to come true. He is now facing the actual reality of leaving home and that may be harder than he thought.

My best advice for you is to be patient, this will all pass.

[AlHayatZween 2]

Thanks, JP, it means a lot!

Just wish we were talking more... even though the logical side of me knows that he is just overwhelmed doing family stuff, and hasn't a moment to himself...

i just want to be sure that he's sure...

[♥JP♥ 5]

Thanks, JP, it means a lot!

Just wish we were talking more... even though the logical side of me knows that he is just overwhelmed doing family stuff, and hasn't a moment to himself...

i just want to be sure that he's sure...

more talking=more fighting

[S and S 12]

I'm so sorry you are going through that. I really hope things go so well for you and that your worries are for nothing. Sometimes I feel bad for taking my husband from his family, but I have the advantage (if you can call it that) he can't go home. In fact he hasn't been in Iraq for almost two years so he really doesn't have a choice but to move forward.

At the same time we both get those worries about the job situation and life here. I can understand how you feel and I'm glad we have the message board so we can support each other. I will keep you in my prayers and hope you have a happy reunion and life with your SO.

[nu7015 0]

I remember feeling all of the things you're feeling. We also fought a lot right before he came here. He was also busy before he came trying to get all the things done that he wanted to and his family wanted to all see him before he left. It was hard for him leaving his family behind and I know he felt guilty. So he was dealing with those feelings as well as dealing with my feelings of wanting everything to be perfect and so scared if it wouldn't be perfect.

The biggest thing I've learned during that time and still learning presently, are all of the fears that he had/has. I'm not discounting your feelings because believe me, I know how intense they are!!! Please always remind yourself of all the fears that he has. Reverse the roles and imagine yourself leaving the US for another country you've never been to, leaving your family, friends, everything you've ever known, going off to get married and being away from the biggest support system a man could have, his entire family. He's wondering if he'll be accepted by your family, friends, people in general and with the fear of having to speak English full-time.

My husband had heard several stories of men who married in the US and were treated horribly by their wives and left with nothing. Or of men who became alcoholics, etc. because they were so miserable here. He knew it wasn't going to be easy and he had many, many fears of failing.

I can't stress enough to pay close attention to his reactions and look deeper to see if he is reacting out of fear because I'm guessing he is and will for some time to come.

Of course it's hard to know this at the time, but it's so funny how we are always waiting to get through something thinking our problems will go away or will be less when we reach a certain point. It was so exciting to finally get the NOA2 for the K-1 only to worry about when the interview was, then to have the interview only to worry about when he'd get the visa, then sooooooo excited about getting the visa and then worrying about what was to come now that he had the visa. Etc. etc.

Now of course I get to look back and see all the worrying I did do. I wonder how much of my worrying and fears actually led to fights or arguments as well as his fears and worries. Try to focus the best you can on all of the good things that are coming out of all of this. We can all worry ourselves to death about the most horrendous outcomes. We can also think about all of the wonderful times to come and realize how far you two have come and celebrate that.

Fears can tear a relationship apart very quickly. Don't let those fears get in the way of having a wonderful relationship. I'm speaking from experience by the way. I've been there, done all the wrong things and yet we have survived and built a better relationship than I had imagined we could.

When the fears come, recognize them and let them pass by. Focus on the wonderful fiance you have coming and all of the things you want for your future!

[amal 4]

oh yeah, its very normal. both of you are on edge awaiting the unknown. Best you can do is stay calm and be reassuring when things run amuck. (do i get a star for using the word amuck in a sentence?)

take time and just breathe..this is one of the hard phases.. and it will eventually pass ensha'allah

[Nasturtium 500]

Salaam Everybody,

Hope everybody is well. i haven't been on much b/c my internet is not hooked up at home yet...

My habeeb is supposed to come very soon... like in 2 weeks. i've been so excited and really trying to pull everything together, until this week i kinda hit a wall. All of a sudden we aren't talking much (b/c he has been traveling around Morocco visiting family) and it feels weird. i'm afraid i'm making a bad choice by making him come here... what if he can't find a job? what if he hates it? what if he thinks all the girls with big boobs and perfect hair are way prettier than me, and i lose him to some hottie? what if i become the old ball & chain?

We've been waiting for this for sooooooooo long, why am i feeling so down lately? Are these feelings normal?

:unsure:

hz

Don't worry-- this is normal. Then you also have to adjust to living with a new person in your space, etcetc. More things will come up, but hopefully, things will eventually smooth over and out.

He can likely find a job-- it's just maybe not the one he wants but you can find a job, so he can find a job. he will probably miss home and may hate some things about here. That's normal. he's an adult He can do this! Be careful to help but not stifle him. i started to smother my husband with good intentions until he let me know what I was doing. I backed off and lt him fail-- it was hard, but I did it. Now, I can totally let him fail all he wants and it doesn't bother me (that sounds odd lol). It's important to try to be a wife and not a mother

PS-- there are girls with perfect and big boobs with nice hair ,pretty teeth, big eyelashes and giant lips... and tight pants/shirts at home. They always smell perfect and have a melodic laugh and have pretty nails. If he hasn't left you for them yet, then you're probably good here as well.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Normal, normal, normal. We were married and apart for 3 years. Still, when he got his visa only the day after his interview, I was wishing that we would have had a little AP so I could get mentally ready for the big change.

My husband and I fought alot before he came. He was all tensed and threatening not to go to the medical, not to go to the interview (he wanted me to move there instead of him coming here). Then, in a reversal, once he had the visa, he couldn't wait to come. Now that he's here, he's handling it well. Between short bouts of homesickness he has adjusted very well, is outgoing and open to the new world here. Still no job, and that is frustrating for him, but he will get one soon, insha'allah.

Don't worry too much. Think instead about all the fun you'll have!

[Martiniolive 0]

My spouse and I look into each others eyes (er ah webcam) and pledge to God and on the lives of our family (we won't tell them) our undying love and that we will stay married to each other for the rest of our lives. After that....all is well in my world

[doodlebugg 10]

We fought a little I guess....I don't even remember that part though thankfully. lol. My biggest fear was the kids and how they would adjust to him. I wasn't so much worried about how he'd feel once he got here...I guess in hindsight maybe I should have but my kids come first and if they totally didn't get along with him THAT would be a BIG problem obviously.

Alhumdulilah they love him and I couldn't have asked for a smoother transition other than it would be nice if he had a job Even that, as stressful as it is on him being turned down so much, isn't really affecting us that much.

In any event it's all normal and just treasure every second in that airport waiting for him because it's like no other feeling in the world!!!

[polarbear 0]

We fought a little I guess....I don't even remember that part though thankfully. lol. My biggest fear was the kids and how they would adjust to him. I wasn't so much worried about how he'd feel once he got here...I guess in hindsight maybe I should have but my kids come first and if they totally didn't get along with him THAT would be a BIG problem obviously.

Alhumdulilah they love him and I couldn't have asked for a smoother transition other than it would be nice if he had a job Even that, as stressful as it is on him being turned down so much, isn't really affecting us that much.

In any event it's all normal and just treasure every second in that airport waiting for him because it's like no other feeling in the world!!!

Tresure it? It was painful, especially with all the delays Guess I was just worried after not seeing him for 1 year, not even web cam. I do believe I have mentioned before how I vomited as soon as the plane hit the tarmac in Egypt on my visit right? We've never talked on the internet or webcam or anything like that, so after 1 year seperation it's a little nerve wracking to see that person again. I had also converted in that year and it was the first time for him to see me in Hijab AND we weren't married and could exactly have a romantic reuinion - in fact, he slept on a concrete floor that night We were happy and it is something I will always remember, but the waiting for him was defiantly not fun

I'm kinda hoping this next reunion will go a little better

[pbgirl 1]

In any event it's all normal and just treasure every second in that airport waiting for him because it's like no other feeling in the world!!!

Oh, I totally agree. I love seeing the pictures I took when he first came through those double doors after passing customs. You crane your neck waiting and waiting.

I think the realization that you are finally together and there will be no more sad goodbyes is so hard to believe.

Anyway, don't worry about not talking before he comes either. He is so busy saying his own family goodbyes, packing and just moving this whole life, it is understandable. I think its hard on you because you are so used to talking a certain amount of time each day that its hard when it starts to change....and why it will change!

[AlHayatZween 2]

oh yeah, its very normal. both of you are on edge awaiting the unknown. Best you can do is stay calm and be reassuring when things run amuck. (do i get a star for using the word amuck in a sentence?)

take time and just breathe..this is one of the hard phases.. and it will eventually pass ensha'allah

[AlHayatZween 2]

Thank you everyone, for your support...

You all made very good points... i have been trying to be aware of his fears in all this, but i don't think i've been doing a very good job of that... in reality, he must be terrified, and me being all sad lately mustn't help much... he is like a lot of men in that he doesn't show his emotions very well, and especially on the phone in front of family when he can't really talk, i guess i forgot to remind myself how scared he must be!

PS-- there are girls with perfect and big boobs with nice hair ,pretty teeth, big eyelashes and giant lips... and tight pants/shirts at home. They always smell perfect and have a melodic laugh and have pretty nails. If he hasn't left you for them yet, then you're probably good here as well.

i'm also feeling bad b/c i don't know if i mentioned it before, but since this all started a year a go, i've lost a lot of my hair... and it was okay for a while and now i'm losing it again and i feel so terribly ugly... and of course, i look around and see all these beautiful ladies dressed in their pretty summer digs! i really need to find a way to snap out of it...

but you are right Julianna about the perfect boobs and tight pants!