what should i do?

[shit head 0]

Yes i am sure i do have a long hard road ahead for me because i am that person who find letting go really hard. I never really had many friends or family support in my life and when i do attach to someone and esp someone i love so deeply then it is very hard for me to detach and move on. I am always going back to the i should have, maybe its my fault, if i would have.. ect ect.. maybe and hoping so much therapy will help me because i dont want my daughter to follow this pattern . As far as some people say to move on and meet people thats impossible. I wouldnt do it to another person right now as i have too many feelings involved in my current situation .

[babybunny 2]

he said he doesnt want someone who has to devote her life to some kid. he said he expects his wife to be his and dedicate herself to him..

read that out aloud and repeat that 3 times...

[dxt7339 1]

Hi Shannon!

I feel very, very bad for you! ! ! You have had a terrible time and you husband has done nothing to ease you difficulties and in fact is one of your BIGGEST problems. You spoke about "true love" in one of your posts....Well, true love does not leave the country, knowing the difficulties you are having and knowing that he will screw up the ability to be together and husband an wife. He has been abusing you! ! ! he ahs been playing with your emotions and he has not idea what is a loving relationship. You should consider yourself very lucky that this man has left you early in this relationship in the USA. If you entertain the idea about getting him back, please go to a good counselor and discuss all that has transpired in this relationship.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN WHAT THIS MAN IS CAPABLE OF GIVING! ! ! ! ! How much more abuse do you want to take. What were the really good times times with this man??? I bet that it is difficult to think of them. LOVE is an ACTION not just a bunch of words and poems. Please do not think any more about being with this man. Inform INS that you are not longer pursuing a AOS and then go to a lawyer and get a divorce.

I do not mean to be harsh, but from an outside perspective, the situation is clear. I know what it is like to be too close to the situation to see clearly. I stayed way to long with my first wife, trying to make it work. As soon as I got separated, I could see much clearly and I fell so much more relaxed.

Take care of your self! ! ! !

Devereux

[babybunny 2]

This man is once again forcing you to make a choice between him and your Child. #######!

you dont care about your daughters mentality not in the slightest bit. so what is this teaching her?

when you cry you think your daughter dont feel that? when you yell and he yell you think this is not

upsetting to her? you consider this environment healthy? what this love you think is love with him is

TOXIC. its called TOXIC LOVE. This man makes your daughter CRY. this man makes you CRY ...the only time this man should have made you cry was when he proposed to you or when he married you. you need to sit way back stop making excuses. if you cant get it togeather for yourself - try doing it for your daughters sake.

[chili74 0]

Shannon, I don't know you, but I see you are having a hard time. You seem like a sensitive person who is blaming yourself for not living up to the rules for being a wife that your husband instructed you. Try to step back from his "teachings" and see that like Mianishqsrose said, he is trying to control you, a sign of immaturity at best (to say nothing of what his other problems may be.)

I would echo what Devereux and Mianishqsrose said: you deserve a partner who will be with you, as an equal, in good times and bad.

Please believe that that kind of love really is available in this world. Give yourself some time to reflect. Open up a phone book and call a counselor.

Edited May 17, 2006 by chili74

[JanaknJanet 0]

Shannon.. I am extremely saddened by your news and situation.

No human.. MAN OR WOMAN ever needs to be put through this kind of torture.

We here on VJ do not see what really goes on behind closed doors but rely on what is told.

Frankly what is said scares the ####### out of me. for the health of your Daughter.

Your baby needs her mother... No CHild needs to have her mothers lover, husband, partner abuse verbally emotionally or physically. If he has crossed the line on vindictive behavour to you .. he has already stated that he demands your treatment to him as your main focus... what would happen to this innocent child of yours. He has already claimed that he wishes to not be sidestepped to her...

MOMMA wake up... listen to what you are saying... .. LOVE is indeed BLIND... but what is it going to take for you to see what this is doing to your daughter.? Stand tall.. .. that is what your daughter will see...

I too have a former husband.. (USC) that told me I was his world... his actions were one thing.. once we married it took less than 3 months to start to realize the lies and misconceptions that were there. It took my daughter refusing to come home.. due to his threats to her.. (I was never told of this and didnt see it either) I learned from my mother of my daughter telling her that my ex said he hated her and he attempted to throw her through a plate glass window. It was only then that i then realised that I never talked to my friends anymore and when i did i was always questioned of my actions. there were many other situations.. the belittlement the subtle actions.. of ohh you would not leave me for i love you so much... .. many many similar things as your honey has done to you... all i can say is.. .. .. Is that LOVE?

Does not one marry one for all.. and .. that includes children... .. I realised what threats were being made to my daughter... packed his things .. called his mother.. told them to come get his things.... .. and had the apartment managers change the locks... .. and called the police and filed a restraining order due to threats to the minor. ... If we dont stand up for our children.. who the heck is going to? ..

What kind of message are you telling your daughter? It seems to me.. she is being shown that no matter what .. she is never going to be priority.. for you will get a boyfriend.. husband.. and if he doesnt like her she will be put on back burner.. .. i know it sounds harsh.. but.. i am only saying comment on what i am reading here... ok ...

AS far as the employment thing....

how is it possible that he has been granted a visa for employment this soon since he has been in india.?

Jan has been "in process" for the last 3 1/2 months for a sponsered B-1 B-2 visa.. .. his business partner here in USA and in Belgium have filed for a visit to tie up information on our International Web store.. and that is on hold due to process.... even to get a date for interview is not being scheduled till October or Nov 06

I dont see how he can be getting a visa that easily...

also.. he would have on his record that he has intentions on immigration since he has already done a K-1. now he abandonded it and the marriage by returning to india without completing the process..

I really think he has made himself a rather tangled web... Maybe he has realized that he cannot get his work visa like he thought.. and knows that you are his only hope... .. thus he is tugging on your emotions...

and claiming his love.. ..

lastly... .. if he is soooo against you being momma... what would he actually have done if and when you did have a baby to term..? How would he have treated this baby.. and then.. how would he then treat your daughter too?

Please sweetie.. It hurts to go through this.. it hurts to face that thought that you were taken... I am sure you do in fact love him... but .. reality .. do you really wish to have a life like this? Is this how you wish to show your daughter that this is how relationships really are?

There are soo many men.. so many different cultures... but the key is to accept each others cultures equally.. think about it... has he accepted yours..? I think not.. ..

[Euro 3]

We can all advice you till we are blue in the face, you will do what yu want to do, my opinion is get rid of him before things get any worse!! but my opinion isnt worth anything to you nor are anyone else's, cept maybe a family in India whom you will no doubt never see again!!

so just for your information, to file a K3, you first have to file I-130 @a cost of $190, then and only after you get the NOA1 from that can you file I-129F K3 as you need to send a copy of your I-130 NOA1 with this!!

AFTER approval you will have NVC plus consulor interview, so at not only the money costs, but you also have the mental anquish that somtimes goes with the whole visa process!!

you realy need to check yourself & listen to what that little voice inside you is telling you, as its always right, forget what your heart says, hearts heal in time!!

If you went through all this after such a short time when he cae here on a K1 think about what life would be long term with this man.......................isnt your life & your daughters welfare & happiness worth more to you???

anyway.....only YOU can decide, but think long & hard, dont be hasty!!!!.......life is far too short to make desisions on impulse!!!

[Vipul and Jamie 0]

Hi Shannon,

I really feel sorry for all that happened. That was just a cowardly thing to do- going back to india, leaving your wife here. I am sorry, could not stop myself from writing to you. Well, I know you love him, but does he even care for you? I think, he just wanted to come to US and he found it the easiest way. I am from the same country and I know how people think there. If he truly wants to come here, he can go to the US embassy in delhi, to the information counter, and at least get some information on the ways to come here. I mean he has to make a move from his end too, rather than expecting you to file for K3 again.

If he thinks you devote too much time to your daughter and not with him, then things cannt be successful in a long run bcoz, one who doesnt love someone you love, cant love you as well.

I am sorry, just put in my thoughts, did not mean to offend you in any way.

You took a big step for him, by calling him here on K1, and he took a big step against you by running off to India. Just within 2 months of marriage. I would say, you seem to be a nice lady, just think over it again.

We will keep you in our prayers all the time and hope that whatever happens, is good for you.

Regards,

Vipul

[Kez/JWolf 6]

If you keep asking the same questions you will still get the same answers... if you are hoping that you will get the answer you want to hear instead of the true answer you may be in for a long and sad wait....

I wish you well in whatever you end up doing with your life... but from one mother to another.... "NO man will ever come between me and my children"

Kezzie

[JenT 0]

If you keep asking the same questions you will still get the same answers... if you are hoping that you will get the answer you want to hear instead of the true answer you may be in for a long and sad wait....

I wish you well in whatever you end up doing with your life... but from one mother to another.... "NO man will ever come between me and my children"

Kezzie

Amen, Kezzie.

Jen

[maya62 7]

Shannon,

This all sounds so painful and so familiar. Some people are resistant to seeking professional help. It really sounds like you (and your daughter indirectly) would benefit from this. But if you don't feel quite ready, you could check out a book or two from the library about codependency. Melody Beattie is one of the more widely read authorities on this subject.

When you accept ill treatment and disrespect and general craziness from your partner, you also teach your daughter that it is OK for a man to treat her badly when she starts to have relationships.

I am not any kind of a mental health professional, but it sure sounds like one could really help you. Hopefully, as a nurse, you have decent health coverage that may even pay for (part of) it!

Best wishes.

Maya (been there, though not on an international scale)

[TracyTN 237]

Hi Shannon,

I really feel sorry for all that happened. That was just a cowardly thing to do- going back to india, leaving your wife here. I am sorry, could not stop myself from writing to you. Well, I know you love him, but does he even care for you? I think, he just wanted to come to US and he found it the easiest way. I am from the same country and I know how people think there. If he truly wants to come here, he can go to the US embassy in delhi, to the information counter, and at least get some information on the ways to come here. I mean he has to make a move from his end too, rather than expecting you to file for K3 again.

If he thinks you devote too much time to your daughter and not with him, then things cannt be successful in a long run bcoz, one who doesnt love someone you love, cant love you as well.

I am sorry, just put in my thoughts, did not mean to offend you in any way.

You took a big step for him, by calling him here on K1, and he took a big step against you by running off to India. Just within 2 months of marriage. I would say, you seem to be a nice lady, just think over it again.

We will keep you in our prayers all the time and hope that whatever happens, is good for you.

Regards,

Vipul

Excellent post, Vipul. You are spot on.

[shit head 0]

Thank you to all for your care and advice to me. I know i seem so foolish and as a nurse myself im not acting on my teaching and my own advocacy. I realise that it takes a strong person to learn from their mistakes and move forward but sometimes it helps just to talk about it even if it sounds foolish on my part and divorce and separation is like death and rebirth for some people its just like going throught the stages of death.. denial, anger, refusal to let go but eventually we all lose loved ones in life and we must move on from that diffucult time as stronger individuals. I hate calling myself the victim because i also went into the marriage knowing things were not perfect ect but yes i feel very much broken, sad, and all the dreams and goals i focused on for so long were torn far away . True , for the good and somehow as you all said consider myself lucky and much safer now , but it does not erase the relationship, the marriage and the babies i lost in the process. And some of you are also right in the fact I dont know if he is really in india or not. He says he is but remains in very little contact with me.. So i dont know where he is , what he doing , every other day its a new lie to me so at this point i stopped listening to him.

[rushter 0]

What an amazing thread.

One fact arises out of all of it:

Your husband ABANDONED YOU.

He ABANDONED YOU when he was here,

then he ABANDONED YOU altogether by leaving the country.

This is NOT a man that deserves respect from anyone. To abandon a woman that loves him, and brought him here to begin a new life together.

A man that is not capable of being a loving understanding husband in this society, will be a horrible father, horrible father figure for your daughter, and end up making your life a miserable mess as it is now.

This guy is a silver spooned pompous ### that thinks he's a king making you feel like an idiot for bringing down his sorry sikh ### for whatever that self-serving garbage ####### means.

This dude is a total failure. He's no better than joe redneck that don't wont nobody lookin at his wife cauwz she belongs to him.

I am so angry reading this thread. I killed to keep my relationship alive over the years of separation... I NEVER abandoned anything. I stood up for what I believed in and got what I deserved. A marriage that I wanted, respect and love every day.

It is YOU, NOT HIM, that is/was the real MAN of this relationship. You should be commended for your strength and commitment to making things work.

However, keep talking... keep talking here, and/or get professional counseling. While it kind of sux to do this in a forum like this, it will help if you can't get to a therapist (ahem... I should say a therapist that actually knows what they're doing!).

This is a joke.

1. I would Report him to the USCIS for marriage fraud.

2. I would change phone numbers, set email blocks to throw every email he sends to the trash.

3. Immediate divorce/annulment procedings are in order.

I understand well the pains and difficulties of commitments of love and relationships, but this guy has done nothing but make you miserable, and will continue to play you like the fiddle you've been for him.

This person does not deserve what you have done for him.

A real man doesn't desert his wife like this. Who cares if he's in India. You're just prolonging your own misery by thinking about it.

Put the legal stuff in motion and you'll get back on the road to where you can think straight. Legal stuff has a way of doing this to you.

Sorry for the rant... I hate abusive men, especially those that do it to good women like you underhandedly like he is/has.

[000OOO000 0]

If he loved her he would be with her today. There is no need for Shannon to 2nd guess anything anymore. It is what it is.