How to deal with this loneliness?

[Jeraly 4]

Oh I a so glad you have had some good advice

I only moved a few days ago so it all kinda feels like a holiday yet although when I think about not being able to visit home right away I get sad. I am lucky in that I speak the language (well...) and my other half has been such a brick although he does get impatient with me from time to time (normaly when I am being really demanding and he has literally done all he can and I am still not happy )

I completely understand about the whole unexpected thing though - I am fine with most things going on, but if I have something sprung on me at the last minute then I tend to freak out, even if it is something I would normally be fine about. Maybe you could explain this to your husband as well and let him know that you would like to go visit his friends sometime but to give you the notice so you can spend the time making yourself feel good (soak in the bath, do your hair and make-up etc) and getting your head around being in a social situation

These things will take time so try to not be too hard on yourself - I am not expecting things to feel completely normal for about a year and even that is a conservative estimate. I might feel ok before but I don't want to put pressure on myself

I hope it all goes ok for you

*hugs*

AND! Congratulations on your baby boy Now you get to pick names toghether!!

[Joanna&Bobby 3]

Oh I a so glad you have had some good advice

I only moved a few days ago so it all kinda feels like a holiday yet although when I think about not being able to visit home right away I get sad. I am lucky in that I speak the language (well...) and my other half has been such a brick although he does get impatient with me from time to time (normaly when I am being really demanding and he has literally done all he can and I am still not happy )

I completely understand about the whole unexpected thing though - I am fine with most things going on, but if I have something sprung on me at the last minute then I tend to freak out, even if it is something I would normally be fine about. Maybe you could explain this to your husband as well and let him know that you would like to go visit his friends sometime but to give you the notice so you can spend the time making yourself feel good (soak in the bath, do your hair and make-up etc) and getting your head around being in a social situation

These things will take time so try to not be too hard on yourself - I am not expecting things to feel completely normal for about a year and even that is a conservative estimate. I might feel ok before but I don't want to put pressure on myself

I hope it all goes ok for you

*hugs*

Thank you for expressing your feelings and sharing your thoughts. I need to find a way to comunicate better with my husband and I am doing better with that already. It helps to hear that you also think that it takes that long to get used to the new life. It might seem obvious but I am so anxious to adjust finally I might have been trying to push it too hard.

I received a lot of nice words, a lot of help from visajourneys! Thank you so much, You make a difference!

AND! Congratulations on your baby boy Now you get to pick names toghether!!

[warriorprincess 0]

I truly feel for you. You husband has to try and be more understanding that you are in a strange country, you will need time to adjust. Three months is certainly not long enough for that. It's a different culture entirely. Plus you are pregnant and on bed rest. That in itself is alot to deal with. You and he need to sit down and really talk about how you feel and the two of you need to find a solution. I wish you the best and congratulations on your impending motherhood. (F)

[apricot 0]

Congratulations on your little boy! I hope the rest of your pregnancy is healthy and that you feel better.

I arrived in the US eight years ago and the first three years were by far the most difficult. I am from South Africa so absolutely everything - including the seasons - was 'messed up'. Looking back though, I know that the adjustment - difficult adjustment - wasn't only n my side, but my husband was going through adjustments of his own. He had suddenly become my translator (we both spoke English, but South African English and American English differ greatly in translation!), my tour guide, my teacher (grocery shopping was an overwhelming experience in itself - so much to choose from!), my therapist (who else could I turn to?)... all roles that would never have been assigned to him had we both been from the same country/culture. It was sometimes difficult for him to grasp the depth of the changes I was experiencing, but thankfully he has lived overseas himself and had an idea. In his case he always knew he was going 'home'. In my case I had to make the US 'home'.

Studies have shown that immigrating is as stressful as a divorce or losing a spouse/child to death. I found that making friends with other expats - not necessarily South Africans - helped tremendously. It showed me that what I was feeling was not abnormal and it helped my hubs further understand what adjusting and assimilating here takes.

Obviously being pregnant is affecting you too (as most have said). Why not join a moms-to-be group or start a foreign moms group yourself? Whatever you do, I think it's important that you meet and make new friends if your health permits. This way you can share your feelings with friends and the discussion with your hubs does not always have to be about your adjustment.

I wish you everything of the best in your pregnancy and your time of adjustment.

[rebeccajo 14]

I'm not going to defend what your husband said to you about his past marriage. That wasn't real 'sensitive' and I hope (as you say) that he's rethinking things.

But I would like to defend what I think he was trying to do with the ice cream. He might have thought that having ice cream with friends would be a way to get you out of the house and into the company of others. I'm sure he realizes your alone all day by yourself. He might have felt the change of atmosphere would do you good.

[JelloShotGirl 0]

Hey Gurl! congrats on ur pregnancy! Just want to let you know that "adjusting" to life here in the US is a work in progress, from what I observed with my husband. He has been here a year and 3 months and we are just getting adjusted! Things I took for granted in assuming my hubby would just "adjust" was totally wrong. Your hubby needs to be patient with you. Its really hard to explain...............and then the hormones from pregnancy! LOL! I wish you the best of luck with your journey

[TexaswithLove 0]

Hello there, I've been here in the US for almost 2 years now but sometimes, I still feel very lonely and sad but I give my appreciation to my husband, who helped me so much. When I first arrived here in the US last 2006, its almost everyday that I keep on crying because I misses my family, I have no friends to turn to or talked to ,although I have Uncle

's and Aunt's who lives in the US but they are too far away from me.

My husband understands that it is really a big change for me so what he did was that every time he saw people that look like Asian to him he always managed to ask them if they are Filipino/ Filipina. Then, he is the one trying to reach other Filipinos that lived around our place and I was able to meet them and became good friends with other Filipinos/Filipinas.

Your husband should understand and be sensitive with your feelings. He should do his part, to take care of you and not hurt your feelings especially that you are pregnant.

I have friends at work but of course most of the time, I just hang out with my husband's family or just stay in the house if both of us are off from work and just enjoying each other's company.

I hope all is well with you. Take care.

Regards,

Geraldine

[Nutty 2]

It is hard adjusting for both you and your husband. Both of you have to change the way you lived when you were alone and make compromises. You have it even harder when trying to adjust to a new life and being pregnant at the same time.

Three months is not enough time to get used to a new life, new culture, loss of old friends, etc.

My husband has been here a little under a month and he still gets nervous about the prospect of getting lost in our neighborhood.

[RyaNRiza 1]

Hi Joanna, I am sorry to hear about your sad story. I am sorry to hear about your husband's limited acceptance and understanding of your difficult adjustment. I can't believe he reacted unreasonably that way. I heard that it will take at least 3 years for someone to get well-adjusted to moving to a new country, dealing with new culture and new set of people, and not 3 months He should have not brought up his life with his ex too. How come he did that? I can feel the dilemma you are facing specially that you got pregnant unexpectedly which tends you to become more emotional. Besides you are not doing things you were used to for years. Is there anything you are passionate doing which can be done at home? Like cooking or gardening, making crafts, etc.?

Pray that God will both bless you and your husband with open minds and hearts for each other. It's hard to make ends meet when one's mind/heart is close.

I hope and wish you a better, happy, contented life.

God bless,

-Riza

[Mrs.J06 4]

I agree with the others that the comment about his life with the ex wasn't the greatest. That would have hurt me badly, too.

I also agree that it is hard being here at the beginning with no one to turn to and being pregnant does make it all even more difficult, I'm sure. I would be very scared being pregnant at this point, with no one to rely on but my husband, so I admire you for that!

However, I think we (the immigrants) need to put ourselves in the USC's position every once in a while too. It is a stressful time for them, also. My husband suffers when I'm unhappy, feels guilty for "dragging" me here, has little time since he works hard and travels frequently and then feels even worse for leaving me here by myself. At the beginning, I "abused" him by talking to him like I would to a very good female friend, which he couldn't handle. I still do that every once in a while, but I warn him before I do, and he is much more understanding now. He realizes that he has to take over that role for me while I'm lacking such a friend. This will pass, too.

Give both of you some time, once the baby is here you will meet people through the child, I'm sure! Hang in there!

[mrsartis 10]

Hi there.. I can understand your feeling.. they say when you are pregnant you then to be emotional and its not your fault. You have a family here.. I have a good book to recommend.. Try reading Sophie Kinsella's Shopaholic series.. she has 5 books in total.. and its last one was shopaholic and baby.. I hope after a while you can now go out and meet others or do some stuff outside.. in the mean time.. i hope you enjoy reading Kinsella's manuscripts.. they are hilarious.. the 2nd book is about moving on other country as well to be with someone she loves,.. shopahoic goes to manhattan:D

Godbless you.. and congratulations for y our baby...

[joanie 0]

Lots of hugs and heartfelt wishes. I don't think anyone can realise how it is to move countries. My own move is imminent and I am anxious . But, back to you.

Your husband doesn't realise what a big leap of faith its been for you to move countries. Keep the communication going....sit him down and have a heartfelt talk. Remember, not only have you moved countries, got married...NOW you are pregnant. That's a lot of change in a short time.

My prayers go with you...no harsh words. xx

[Joanna&Bobby 3]

Lots of hugs and heartfelt wishes. I don't think anyone can realise how it is to move countries. My own move is imminent and I am anxious . But, back to you.

Your husband doesn't realise what a big leap of faith its been for you to move countries. Keep the communication going....sit him down and have a heartfelt talk. Remember, not only have you moved countries, got married...NOW you are pregnant. That's a lot of change in a short time.

My prayers go with you...no harsh words. xx

Thank you for understanding

[Kotenochek 0]

Sorry to hear that..Makes me wanna brake his nose..

I understand your lonelyness,most of people experience it before getting green card and rights to drive around or do whatever you want to...

In my case i am lucky,since my husband does everything possible to make it easy for me and i am not even pregnant...

I feel bad for you...why dont you tell him you also hoped for a better husband that would treat his pregnant wife better...

Hugs,stay strong