Am I now banned from the USA ?

[pax 0]

You deserve to be respected, you deserve to be accepted with both your faults and your virtues, you deserve to be cherished and love by your SO...

And, despite what most victims of domestic abuse think, this is not something YOU can help her with. I know it might hurt to hear that but most victims go back with the "I will help him/her change" thought, that is not how it works. Only she can help herself, until she is willing to do it for herself - she will not change.

Above all else, this is NOT your failure.

All very salient points.

Gosh, this is so sad. No one—NO ONE, EVER—deserves this kind of treatment.

[Fuzzness 2]

chopf*ck is way too mild a term for an abuser

[Fandango 1,439]

I know exactly what you mean, except I am the USC and my Romanian husband was the one that changed once he set foot in this country. I have marks all over me from where I was thrown around, yelling at me for really weird reasons like ... "why did you use so many ingredients when you cook? Why not make it simple, one dish, one ingreedient!!!" He even broke my cell phone in 2 pieces so I couldn't call my family or the police.

I found a personals ad on craigslist that he made looking for "Just Sex" when I confronted him about it, he denied the whole thing (with his e*mail address on the ad) we had not had sex in 9 months at this point (I was too fat/ugly to have sex with) eventually he threw me out (we lived in Chicago and I am from Texas)

he had offered me money to stay married to him untill the interview, when I called ICE they said that untill the date on his visa, he is legal here. (January 31, 2007) He is now constantly harrassing me and wanting me back...5 MIN AFTER HE CALLS ME A FAT PIG/#######.

I don't know what it was that changed in him but it's scary, the day he got here, he changed. We were seperated in November and I have moved on and met someone else now... a nice Yorkshireman living in Hull hehe.

you are not the only one, there are others here that similar things have happened to them as well. Just a sudden change that makes us go

the pain is horrible right now, sometimes you will feel like you just cant stand it, but just be paitent something even better is comming to you, I prommise.

I'm sorry you had to go thru this, yet I am shocked you gave the internet another go.

(Well I'm assuming here Romania/ICE and Yorkshirman living in Hull)

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU

lol ICE was Imigration and Customs Enforcement. As far as the Yorkshireman, I wasn't planning on meeting anyone anywhere, but it happened and I couldn't be any happier! He knows all about what happened to me and he understands that I want to take things real slow.

I know Ice is Immi...just figured that meant there was an immigration issue, which meant he wasn't a US resident....which is why I inferred it was an internet thing (which may or may not have been true, but *shrug*) Sorry for not clarifying myself!

I meant nothing by it btw...I think it's cool you haven't let the one experience kill you. way to go!

[Angelica 0]

Dear Alan ,

I'm so very sorry to hear what has happened to you. You must be in complete turmoil. People can change, but only if they want to and it doesn't sound as if your lady is ready or able to love and be loved. You deserve better, and you will find it, I know. Sometimes the only thing to do is to walk away, and that can be the hardest thing to do. Good luck to you Alan.

Kim

[Fixer 0]

allserene,

As a man who has been in a relationship with a woman who had a revolving door of emotional issues, I can tell you that being a battered husband can be just as bad as being a battered wife, if not worse for all the cultural stigmas. Physically, I could have fought back against my ex-wife easily, being 40 pounds heavier and stronger, but emotionally she literally tore me to shreds. Men may normally possess more physical strength but women normally possess more emotional strength. They beat us down where the marks don't show and men are expected to just 'shut up and be a man about it'.

You give your everything. You try your damnedest. After throwing everything you have into trying to make the relationship work your every effort is ridiculed, derided, and you are physically abused by someone smaller than you. Worst part is that you let it happen because you feel that is precisely what you deserve for failing. You don't want to fight back. You just want to curl up into a ball and wait for the beating to stop. Whether it is physical or emotional beating it still gives you that 'curl into a ball' feeling. You begin to doubt your own worth as a person and your spouse becomes the only person whose validation you seek.

If it was not for my desire to take care of my son and protect him from my abusive wife I probably wouldn't be here today. I was in a pit and there is no way you can climb out of it alone. You can't go to people and say, "I am being abused," because people laugh at you. "How can you be being abused? You are bigger than she is?" No one believes you. No one helps you. You feel even more alone and trapped in the relationship. Hell, women at LEAST have whole organizations and LAWS to protect them... men get ######.

Women can be just as mean, hateful, and cruel to their husbands as men can be to their wives. THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR ABUSE. Period. If one party gets abused, they need to leave. Period. It is better if the abused leaves before they get swallowed into the cycle of self-defeat that will destroy them from the inside.

The abuser promises to change their behavior almost 100% of the time. This is nothing more than an attempt at seeing how emotionally weak you still are and whether or not they still have control over you. If they wanted to change it shouldn't be because of you leaving, it should be because they WANT to change for themselves, not you. They will promise to change, but don't believe it. It will be hard, painful, even soulrending but you cannot believe it. If they will change, they will have to do it without you. You are NOT in charge of 'healing' them. You are already weak and need to recover before you even consider getting into a relationship again, let alone a relationship with the person who was already abusive with you. I speak from experience that good people you can get into a relationship with after such an abusive one can be hurt because of your own wounds. A truly patient and loving person is willing to wait.

I Really aint trying to be mean,

But she beat you, threw stuff at you, wont answer your phone calls or anytype of communications.

I think maybe it was not anger problems, maybe, just maybe im guessing that she tried to break it off with you before and had to resort to physical attacks to get you to leave her alone.

ANd PLEASE Sir, your not in the same position as a battered woman, because the husband usually tries to get them back, practically begging for their love. Your wife is pretty much telling you, to bug off.

I might get banned for this post, but someobody has to say it.

I growled upon reading this post.

You obviously cannot relate and are only making the situation worse by telling him he is on his own.

Edited May 15, 2006 by Fixer

[JenT 0]

You did the right thing by removing yourself from the situation, Alan. So sorry to hear all that you have been through... I've said it before in other threads such as these, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

Take things one step at a time... you'll find your way. Know that our thoughts are with you.

Jen

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Really good post Fixer Alan M.

[almaty 19]

alan, i am also shocked...and sad for you...dean

[Welshcookie 17]

Hey Alan.....so sorry to hear of this developement in your life.....I hope things get back on track for you really soon....

[crashandcari 0]

Alan..

Our hearts go out to you ... How horrible a situation. At least you are back home where you feel safe and secure. Not much advice to offer except I agree with other posters that you should try to contact the Embassy or someone and let them know what the situation is. I read all the posts and don't think I noticed anyone mention this. YOU MUST PROTECT YOURSELF. If your wife is mentally ill there is no telling what lies she is spreading ABOUT YOU! This is the most important reason you make sure your version of events is documented with the authorities. What if (god forbid) she claims YOU abused her?? Then if you come back into the US again there is a warrant for your arrest ?? I don't mean to be an alarmist but someone has to mention this. You cannot let this go unreported. Yes its embarassing and you probably want to forget all of it but you have to cover your butt. Otherwise I am worried it will come back to bite you somehow. God I hope I am wrong but think about what just plain women out for revenge will do (no comments.. you all know what I mean) just think what can happen if someone has a serious mental problem.

Hugs to keep you strong... Please think about what I said..

Cari

[Octa 0]

I am shocked, I would never expect this to happen to you....Hope everything will work out for you and you will be able to move on, . I can't imagine how you must feel, we have all put much effort to make our relationships work overseas and now this.....I have no ideea but hope this does no harm to your future visits to the USA>

Octavia

Edited May 15, 2006 by 1 lady in red

[Ladylethal 12]

I am terribly sorry to hear about that, I hope you´ll be able to work things out and start life again.

[rclouse 0]

I was married once before to a harpy like that. I did everything I could to save the marriage, but finally some words she originally told me about her parent's divorce came true: "eventually, you realize you'll be better off without that person in your life". I found the strength, filed for divorce, and sent her on down the road to be someone else's problem. After the pain started to fade, I took comfort in what I did. On TV you see divorced people embarrassed or ashamed because they have a failed marriage. I look at it as a badge of honor: instead of putting up with the BS, I put an end to it. I learned a lot and came out a better person as a result.

Take heart, Alan, and be strong. If she won't do what's necessary, reasonable, and fair to save your marriage, then it's not worth saving.

[giraffemd 0]

good grief Alan, I am so saddened to hear about this...I remember we went through Nebraska at the same time, and I always looked forward to reading your posts...they often kept me upbeat at the time, you have a fantastic sense of humor which, by the look of things, will continue to serve you well. Everything is a learning experience, and some lessons are so much harder than other ones.....I would place any bet that you will survive this and thrive, as you seem like a very strong, happy upbeat person, and the thing that I admire about you the most is that you are not playing the blame game....you are a class act and a gentleman.

Maureen

[Gemma12nel 1]

So sorry to hear what has happened to you, like the others I would adise the relevant authorities, the US Embassy in London would be a good place to start, and inform where you were going to get your greencard in the USA of the situation.

Maybe a couple of the others you could PM in here who have been in similar situations, as regard to what to file?

I know Shona? was one but don't remember the names of others who have filed things after a collapsed marriage.

Good luck