Do Kids Make You Happy?

[PlatyPius 5]

TRUE OR FALSE

Having Kids Makes You Happy

When I was growing up, our former neighbors, whom we'll call the Sloans, were the only couple on the block without kids. It wasn't that they couldn't have children; according to Mr. Sloan, they just chose not to. All the other parents, including mine, thought it was odd—even tragic. So any bad luck that befell the Sloans—the egging of their house one Halloween; the landslide that sent their pool careering to the street below—was somehow attributed to that fateful decision they'd made so many years before. "Well," the other adults would say, "you know they never did have kids." Each time I visited the Sloans, I'd search for signs of insanity, misery or even regret in their superclean home, yet I never seemed to find any. From what I could tell, the Sloans were happy, maybe even happier than my parents, despite the fact that they were (whisper) childless.

My impressions may have been swayed by the fact that their candy dish was always full, but several studies now show that the Sloans could well have been more content than most of the traditional families around them. In Daniel Gilbert's 2006 book "Stumbling on Happiness," the Harvard professor of psychology looks at several studies and concludes that marital satisfaction decreases dramatically after the birth of the first child—and increases only when the last child has left home. He also ascertains that parents are happier grocery shopping and even sleeping than spending time with their kids. Other data cited by 2008's "Gross National Happiness" author, Arthur C. Brooks, finds that parents are about 7 percentage points less likely to report being happy than the childless.

The most recent comprehensive study on the emotional state of those with kids shows us that the term "bundle of joy" may not be the most accurate way to describe our offspring. "Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers," says Florida State University's Robin Simon, a sociology professor who's conducted several recent parenting studies, the most thorough of which came out in 2005 and looked at data gathered from 13,000 Americans by the National Survey of Families and Households. "In fact, no group of parents—married, single, step or even empty nest—reported significantly greater emotional well-being than people who never had children. It's such a counterintuitive finding because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they're not."

Simon received plenty of hate mail in response to her research ("Obviously Professor Simon hates her kids," read one), which isn't surprising. Her findings shake the very foundation of what we've been raised to believe is true. In a recent NEWSWEEK Poll, 50 percent of Americans said that adding new children to the family tends to increase happiness levels. Only one in six (16 percent) said that adding new children had a negative effect on the parents' happiness. But which parent is willing to admit that the greatest gift life has to offer has in fact made his or her life less enjoyable?

Parents may openly lament their lack of sleep, hectic schedules and difficulty in dealing with their surly teens, but rarely will they cop to feeling depressed due to the everyday rigors of child rearing. "If you admit that kids and parenthood aren't making you happy, it's basically blasphemy," says Jen Singer, a stay-at-home mother of two from New Jersey who runs the popular parenting blog MammaSaid.net. "From baby-lotion commercials that make motherhood look happy and well rested, to commercials for Disney World where you're supposed to feel like a kid because you're there with your kids, we've made parenthood out to be one blissful moment after another, and it's disappointing when you find out it's not."

Is it possible that American parents have always been this disillusioned? Anecdotal evidence says no. In pre-industrial America, parents certainly loved their children, but their offspring also served a purpose—to work the farm, contribute to the household. Children were a necessity. Today, we have kids more for emotional reasons, but an increasingly complicated work and social environment has made finding satisfaction far more difficult. A key study by University of Wisconsin-Madison's Sara McLanahan and Julia Adams, conducted some 20 years ago, found that parenthood was perceived as significantly more stressful in the 1970s than in the 1950s; the researchers attribute part of that change to major shifts in employment patterns. The majority of American parents now work outside the home, have less support from extended family and face a deteriorating education and health-care system, so raising children has not only become more complicated—it has become more expensive. Today the U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates that it costs anywhere from $134,370 to $237,520 to raise a child from birth to the age of 17—and that's not counting school or college tuition. No wonder parents are feeling a little blue.

Societal ills aside, perhaps we also expect too much from the promise of parenting. The National Marriage Project's 2006 "State of Our Unions" report says that parents have significantly lower marital satisfaction than nonparents because they experienced more single and child-free years than previous generations. Twenty-five years ago, women married around the age of 20, and men at 23. Today both sexes are marrying four to five years later. This means the experience of raising kids is now competing with highs in a parent's past, like career wins ("I got a raise!") or a carefree social life ("God, this is a great martini!"). Shuttling cranky kids to school or dashing to work with spit-up on your favorite sweater doesn't skew as romantic.

For the childless, all this research must certainly feel redeeming. As for those of us with kids, well, the news isn't all bad. Parents still report feeling a greater sense of purpose and meaning in their lives than those who've never had kids. And there are other rewarding aspects of parenting that are impossible to quantify. For example, I never thought it possible to love someone as deeply as I love my son. As for the Sloans, it's hard to say whether they had a less meaningful existence than my parents, or if my parents were 7 percent less happy than the Sloans. Perhaps it just comes down to how you see the candy dish—half empty or half full. Or at least as a parent, that's what I'll keep telling myself.

Answer: False

http://www.newsweek.com/id/143792

Edited June 30, 2008 by PlatyPius

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Being in the generation after baby boomers I know who I'll be taking care of. Somehow I feel not having children will make my marriage a lot easier.

[chri'stina 190]

Well I guess I can't argue the research or statistics, though I wonder if there are other studies contradicting this.

I'll say having a baby is very hard. "Motherhood is not for wimps" is something I've seen. It's harder than I ever thought. And it changes you. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. The changes it caused in me are positive character changes. Sujeet says to me all the time "I can't imagine our life without him, how did we live before he was here?". For every night time feeding that leaves you tired, and all the other tiring things, they give you a smile for no reason or giggle and you would do anything for them. I think the positives far outweigh the negatives of parenthood. They love you for just who you are. One day I looked in the mirror and looked horrible, hadn't showered yet, my hair was a mess and thought "eww!". I looked at him and he gave me a huge smile. He doesn't care about what I look like, I am his everything right now(his daddy is too).

I know these years pass and they get more independent and don't want to be babied, that's going to be hard. And I don't think having a kid is a fairy tale...it's reality with good and bad just like everything in life, like marriage too.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Its like anything else some days they make you happy some not, but maybe more of a question for each couple, some people just know they are not meant to be parents, just like some know they are not meant to be married> its ok to be not the norm

[*JG* 2]

I have a teenager and a pre-teen......The answer is HELL NO!!!!

[Welshcookie 17]

WARNING!!! Cute babies can turn into this....

That really is my eldest 'baby' btw ....

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

[raymaga 25]

I would have to say "False" as well, even though I love my 3 children dearly.

I was known to say in my younger years.... "The easiest way to ruin a marriage is to have children". I was put down for that belief by many, but also supported for that belief by those friends who had the same difficulties after children that I did.... such as financial problems.

If I had it all to do over again, I would definitely only have one child. I may even still be married to my children's father if I had.

Just my 2 cents worth.

[Nagishkaw 510]

Never had any, dont want any, too old to have em anyway.

[chri'stina 190]

I know I have a lot of life left to live...but our marriage has gotten even better since Kavi was born. My parents also got closer after having me and my sister. We never gave them a hard time and my mom is one of my best friends. I know for a fact she is happier having a family b/c she grew up in a bad situation and always says how much she loves her life b/c of my dad and us kids. So I wanted to bring something positive to this discussion.

[Ban Hammer 13,336]

WARNING!!! Cute babies can turn into this....

That really is my eldest 'baby' btw ....

see what happens when you don't breast feed?

[Sister Fracas 5]

Never had any, dont want any, too old to have em anyway.

ditto...

What's troubling to me is not that parents think that having children will make them happy, but when they think children can save a failing marriage.

[morocco4ever 63]

I have 4 that are grown now. If you had asked me while I was raising them if I would do it again I would have said "If I knew them beforehand, yes. If I hadn't, no". Now they are grown and I can say that they are my best friends. They may not be easy, but then again the best things in life never are.

Guess I am the odd duck here.

[Jenn! 918]

I was known to say in my younger years.... "The easiest way to ruin a marriage is to have children". I was put down for that belief by many, but also supported for that belief by those friends who had the same difficulties after children that I did.... such as financial problems.

We've put a lot of thought into this and this is why we're not rushing into anything yet. It's hard enough trying to get ourselves started and established here, financially and otherwise. I've seen too many young couples with too many problems because they had kids too quickly.

Then again, they always say that there is no right time. I just think there could be a better time, for us at least.

[doodlebugg 10]

I've never heard of having children to make you happy before. To me it's just a normal life process that happens. I am however happy but that was not my ultimate goal in having children. Just doing my part.