I'm so lost.....

[MrsAmera 41]

Hi all - I'm in a really bad point right now and just need to talk to someone who will listen and possibly understand. I finished Youssef's AOS papers and told him we needed to wait for the co-sponsor stuff and my financial aid for the summer to come in (Next week) and then we would send them off. He said "oh great another week to wait". I've tried to explain to him that we have to wait until we have the $600+ so to send in the stuff (on top of the $2000 hospital bill we got for his headache issue at the emergency room). He's so depressed with his mom sick and keeps saying "i don't do anything I've been here for 4 months, all i do is stay home, like a woman." I've told him how much I appreciate everything he does, I told him he could go out, take the bus, take the bike, go to the gym, volunteer anything - I've tried everything. Now with being pregnant my moods are super swingy and I just can't handle even a little provocation or I break down in tears, he gets angry when I cry and leaves the room, and I cry more. I can't make him go do anything, he just won't unless he's making money off of it. So today I'm at the library and called to check on them and this whole argument thing started. When I found out about the baby I said, please don't leave me, if you're going to leave I can't do this. My son's father left as soon as I told him about the baby, and I don't think I can handle 2 alone. So I asked Youssef "do you want to go home?" and he said "I'm not sure yet". ..... my god my world is coming apart all around right now. I can't even imagine. I don't know what to do, I don't know what else I can do to help him.... I have finals next week, I need to finish a paper and i can't even see the screen because i'm crying so hard.....

[~Jess~ 0]

Wow girlie it sounds like you have your plate full and over flowing even. I am sorry. I know that a lot of middle eastern men feel worthless if they are not supporting their families. I sincerely hope this is the reason he is miserable and not any other reasons im sure people will throw out here......................I really hope that things come clear soon. I dont know what else to say sweetie other then i will keep you in my thoughts. please take care

[LebaneseMama 1]

I think you & Youseff should read this :

I met Youssef in December 2004 while on vacation in Marrakech, Morocco. The second I saw him I knew that he would be the man I would marry. We spent 3 days together and could barely talk to each other! His English was bad, my French was bad and my Arabic was worse. But it didn't matter, we were totally in love. We spent 2 months e-mailing and the occasional phone call again in broken language and I made plans to see him for a week in March 2005. He proposed to me during this trip and I knew that he was the right one. I came back to America and we have been apart since then. We talk online daily and I will be going again on August 3rd to spend 6 amazing weeks with him. My 18 month old son is coming with this time, to meet him and I know that it will be a great time for all of us. We are having an Islamic wedding, but just the religious wedding, not the "legal" wedding. I just wish we could be together forever! We submitted our I-129F on June 30th 2005. Youssef's visa was approved January 9th, with no delays and he came to the US on January 25th. Our wedding is scheduled for April 22nd!!

Forever has come ... he's here. I have a question. Did he know that when he comes he won't be able to work for a long time ? This is exactly why Ali & I took the long route. Ali can't handle sitting at home "like a woman" (yes Ali says the same thing). So what were your plans when you were apart ?

[MrsAmera 41]

That's what makes things so confusing to me - when he was in Morocco he wasn't working. He stayed home, did errands and took his mom to the doctor, hospital or whatever. He couldn't work becuase there was no one else to run her errands. So that's why I don't understand this now. *sigh*

[Jenn! 918]

Did he know that when he comes he won't be able to work for a long time ?

Unfortunately knowing what is to come does not always really prepare you for it. It's really how he feels in the moment that is important. JMHO.

Edited May 13, 2006 by jenn3539

[iceyspots 0]

I'm sorry this is happening...sometimes people get so frustrated and feel trapped.. He has to realize that the fantasy life that he was thinking about here in the U.S. takes years to accomplish and everything has to be created over a period of time... It took so much patience to get him here, and it's going to take a lot of patience to grow into society and grow a social network, and jobs. Paper takes time... and you can't just dump things because you dont get instant gratification...

Yacine is well aware that he wont be able to work for the first 3-4 months when he gets here... Well... we have some home improvement stuff lined up for him... drywall.. painting.. putting down new carpet, new tile in the bathroom.. In fact, I think Yacine's first words here are going to be "Home Depot" LOL... And he's really excited about the volunteer projects my student organization does... Everything takes time...

[farm2008 0]

Hi, I'm really sorry that you're going through such an emotional roller coaster right now...especially being pregnant, going to school and with the stresses of your husband. You're an amazing woman! My fiance always tells me "Ca va venir! (It's going to come!). Simple words that instill a lot of faith and patience every time I hear it.

May I ask why he's not able to work? Is it because of immigration documents, etc or is it just that he's adjusting or can't find a job or what?

Sorry for being new to this...I'm just trying to understand what you and your husband have been going through.

[MrsAmera 41]

He can't work yet - we are filing his papers for residency and his work authorization.

[pj1959us 0]

Both of you couldn't be in a worse situation right now. He is at a prime downpoint of adjusting and your hormones (along with other stressors) are in high gear. The immigrant can feel like a non-person after their arrival, nothing feels normal to them. It's impossible to prepare for some of the stages we go through.

He is distraught at how long this process takes, even if it is just one more week...the time seems interminable to one in the midst of adjusting. Many men face a horrible sense of worthlessness at this time since they are unable to work and contribute as they feel they should; to have the ABILITY to do so and to begin a normal life is dangled in front of them yet out of reach.

Whether you realize it or not (since you have so much else going on), feelings of guilt set in you when you feel that your significant other is disappointed in your life together...along with those, a bit of resentment sets in because we are so busy trying to get the immigrant to adjust to life here that the US citizen tends to squelch their own fears of inadequacy to avoid adding stress to the relationship. The problem is that when we do that, we begin to feel as if we aren't important.

Much of it gets blown way out of proportion. It is very easy for arguments to arise out of the simplest matters and it seems no matter what they come up causing even more of a rift. Up to the point of their arriving, our long distance relationships and the immigration process has been the main focus. Once they get here, it can almost seem anti-climatic.

The bad news is, there isn't really too much that can be done. Hopefully it will make you and your husband feel a bit better to know this is normal...and will pass. All we can do is be gentle and kind with each other and know that when he seems so unhappy and taking it out on you that he probably doesn't mean it. It's a horrible stage of the adjustment process and everyone has varying levels to endure. Try not to pressure each other because much of what both of you are feeling will pass (like a kidney stone!).

Once the AOS (and assuming EAD and possibly AP) is submitted, it does help. Waiting for the EAD and AP is brutal, but once those are received things do improve. Then there's the stress of finding a job...depending on how long it takes, it can prolong this adjustment period. If working isn't the main issue, it can still seem it is because it feels to them as if they have been put in a round room and told to find the corner. Their world has been turned upside down and it takes a while to get their footing.

He does need to take it upon himself to feel better....and he will, but nothing you can do will help. The helplessness that the US citizen feels can be overwhelming as they see what they thought would be the happiest times of their lives crumble around them. Not only do we have the normal adjustments of any couple, but adjustment periods for our spouses. Your spouse is feeling frozen in time and it is difficult to get the motivation and courage to begin a new life here...they have no idea where to even start sometimes.

Try not to let your fears of his leaving, because of what is in your past, haunt this relationship. It is only more pressure put on it that isn't necessary. Worrying about it won't stop it, but this chasm could develop and leave permanent damage. It is very difficult to be understanding, because WE can't understand what it is like...it takes an enormous amount of patience because we feel we are doing all we can. When asked if they want to leave, sometimes they DO just so that they can feel like a person again, but it has nothing to do with your relationship.

The simple answer is, we really can't do anything to help except hold our arms wide open and give comfort....and reassure the spouse that what they are feeling is normal and will pass. It's going to be a very rough patch, but once these phases do pass, your relationship should be all the stronger. A very deep love will bond you that not many couples are able to experience.

Best of luck to you...just bite your tongue when your spouse begins to seem irrational about things. So much is going through his mind right now, and yours, that both of you are probably not even able to express it because you can't pinpoint what is wrong.

Hopefully, he and you are happy about your baby. Try to focus on that and enjoy this time of your life. There will be times you will want to take a hammer and beat his head in, but those are hormones.

Know that the love you felt to bring you to this point is what is important. Depend on each other and allow yourselves to be vulnerable to the other. Work together to find a way to enjoy yourselves. You will one day look back on this and wonder what the fuss was all about.

Be strong. Hug and kiss each other. Remember, smiles and laughter can go a long away, and cure most ills.

[iceyspots 0]

Ditto

[LaL 418]

I am sorry to see you have having a difficult time (i know that does not describe well!)

I wish for you the strength to continue on and I hope things begin to look up for you & Youssef. Adjustment can be such an exhausting/exasperating situation for both involved even without the added stress of lil bun in the oven.

I hope you have a speedy AOS process or at least get the EAD shortly after you file. Your VJ family is definately here for you, and while no situtation is truely alike, we can understand.

feel better chica, your gonna have a hot baby!

[iceyspots 0]

Yes... just remind him if he can get over the wait for the visa, you can overcome any of the other waits !

[noura 0]

(((((((HUGZ)))))))) Amera... just got online, catching up, I'm so sorry sweetie... hope it looks up for you both really soon.

Noura

[~*Dorothy*~ 2]

Oh Dear...I am so sorry to hear about your situation...I hope that things will work out...I have to agree with PJ1959us on so many points and must say that her words are like a blessing to me...Jamal got here on April 22 and we had our share of difficult moments with a point where he started packing...it is so difficult and I must say that I am grateful that he found a job in 2 weeks because otherwise things would get so much worse...I will pray for you guys because you got so much to live for...the love that united you both must be nurtured and with the blessing of a new Baby...Just try to find a comon ground for communication to let the feelings come out to the open...I trully believe that whit time and patience you will be able to work things out between you and make this relationship worth all the sacrifices that both of you invested...I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers...***HUGS***

Dorothy

[iceyspots 0]

yes she will get over the slump...