Not getting the marriage that you wanted?

[Mrs.J06 4]

I guess I can sort of relate. Did you send cards to your extended family?

We also only had a courthouse wedding and a small dinner with my husbands parents and some friends. Other than from my sister and my Dad in Germany I guess we wouldn't have gotten any congratulations either, had I not sent cards with a picture and the date of our wedding to my extended family. Having received those, my aunts/uncles and some cousins sent us letters and some even called to say "congratulations".

I'm sorry you are feeling bad still after one year. I guess it's still not too late to plan a big wedding if you feel it's what you'd like to have. Get that money-tree owning Dad of yours to pay for it!

[Sinergy 3]

Not getting the marriage that you wanted?

I don't want to come across as harsh but.... a wedding day is something YOU make it. I don't think it's fair to blame other people because you felt your wedding day sucked. Don't look back on your day with sadness...afterall, it's just one day out of the rest of your lives.

I have to agree, its what you make it, if you made it where youd be depressed about it the rest of your life, then you really cant gripe about it. Its not the end of the world, you can have the wedding of your dreams ANYTIME you want.

I want to also add, not sure about other ppl, but my wedding day wasnt about flowers, and expensive dresses and tux's...it was about marrying the love of my life. And that was it. Didnt matter to me if it was in a courthouse or on the iffel tower (sp)....didnt matter if family came or not, it was about me and Edi, and that is all that was important.

Edited June 30, 2008 by Sinergy

[*JG* 2]

So, my marriage-day sucked. We went to the courthouse and then went home. I wore an old, used dress and he wore a suit that he bought at Target for $30. Maybe 1/3 of my immediate family (brothers, sisters) managed to show up; his parents showed up from Canada. My dad (who makes over $350,000+ a year) /still/ brags about "getting off of" having to pay for my wedding. Thanks, dad. My extended family still hasn't acknowledged my marriage. I don't mean cards or gifts -- but, oh, "Hey, congrats on getting married!" We've been dating for 7+ years, we lived together for over two years before getting engaged. We can't afford a reception. Or anything.

I guess I find it kind of sad. We dated for five years. We lived together for two years. Yet...nothing, because we don't go through the /rituals/ of marriage.

In the whole scheme of things, it's just one day in your entire lives. And, people are always going to disappoint you.

Enjoy your married life. Forgive and forget the rest.

Congrats, btw.

[Sister Fracas 5]

Just remember, The Wedding lasts one day, your marriage and knowing you chose the right person will last a lifetime. All that really matters is that your together.

I have to agree with this... while everyone wants a special wedding day, that day comes and goes and it's the marriage that is most important.

And there is nothing saying you can't do something special that is just for the two of you.

[Marlita 0]

I know what you mean. Everyone can hoop and holler about the wedding is not as important as the marriage but thats just how THEY feel. And if they sit back for a second and quit thinking about themselves they will realize its not how YOU feel. I'm sorry you didnt get the support from your family that you were hoping for. I had the same experieince which really bothered me because family support means alot to me. I was truly disappointed in how they responded and acted towards my marriage. Many of then not acknowledging it at all. In the end I still have a happy marriage but that does not mean that I wasnt disappointed by family before hand. I think you should just OPENLY express how you feel to your dad. I had to do that and not care how crass I sounded to him. It let out how I was truly feeling an he and the rest of my family stopped being so selfish and self centered for a minute to understand that their support was something I was truly needing on my wedding day. Eventually they all came around and now we are throwing a stateside reception with all the family that originally wasnt about the wedding in the beginning.

I must say that I did have a good wedding day. The support from my husbands family was WONDERFUL. So that helped me deal with the situation a whole lot better.

[~krakatoa~ 27]

if you're not getting the marriage you wanted, try this:

link

where's my hubby? get me some of those cheeky undies and hosiery! Pronto!

[morocco4ever 63]

My marriage consisted of running back and forth from the courthouse, getting stamped documents, freaking courts, lawyers. We are driving home at 2 in the afternoon and that is when it is announced that we are meeting the guy at the house to perform the ceremony. My makeup is melted from the day, my hair isn't done. I didn't get any time to plan nothing. We are sitting around a table and the one guy is writing in a book and everyone else is standing around talking in arabic. My SIL's are throwing different dresses on me and taking pictures. I am stinky, my hair sucks, my make up sucks, and I feel like I am going to throw up. No one from my family could even be there. Yup....Best day of my life!!! Why? Because now, 3 1/2 years later I have the best man in the world.

We make it what we want it to be. It certainly wasn't the fairy tale wedding, but I can bet not many people has ever had a wedding like mine.

[Welshcookie 17]

I know what you mean. Everyone can hoop and holler about the wedding is not as important as the marriage but thats just how THEY feel. And if they sit back for a second and quit thinking about themselves they will realize its not how YOU feel. I think you should just OPENLY express how you feel to your dad.

Why? her father bought her up, fed and clothed her....I don't even understand why she expected him to pay for her wedding in anyway....most people save up for the wedding day they want these days and don't expect daddy to cough up for it.

[DeadPoolX 9]

I know what you mean. Everyone can hoop and holler about the wedding is not as important as the marriage but thats just how THEY feel. And if they sit back for a second and quit thinking about themselves they will realize its not how YOU feel. I think you should just OPENLY express how you feel to your dad.

Why? her father bought her up, fed and clothed her....I don't even understand why she expected him to pay for her wedding in anyway....most people save up for the wedding day they want these days and don't expect daddy to cough up for it.

I suppose it's s holdover from the days when the parents of the bride were expected to pay for their daughter's wedding. Some parents still adhere to that and other don't. Tradition is a little more flexible in today's world than it was several decades ago and before that.

For instance, my wife didn't expect or demand that her parents pay for our wedding, but in the end, they did -- not due to any traditional or cultural expectations, but simply because they wanted to do it. We weren't going to argue with that, but if they hadn't chosen to pay, we would've done it ourselves.

I do think what many here are saying ("the wedding day itself is only as important as you make it") are right. A wedding is one day and while it's a celebration of two people coming together, the wedding -- no matter how large or small -- is no indication of whether or not the marriage itself may last.

Look at the so-called "fairy tale wedding" of Prince Charles and Princess Diana. That was an extremely lavish wedding (which many have attempted to emulate in some fashion or another) and in the end, they broke up. The same is often true of most over-the-top Hollywood weddings of famous celebrities. The huge celebration they had on their wedding today wasn't enough to keep them together, was it?

I'm not going to say that large weddings don't always last and that small weddings always work. That's not true. All I'm getting at is that the wedding itself doesn't mean a whole lot in terms of how strong the marriage is itself. That live band you had won't keep you from divorcing and saying "I do" at a courthouse won't destroy your marriage. After the "big day," it's up the two of you to make it work and that's all there is to it.

Edited June 30, 2008 by DeadPoolX

[greeneyedgirlfl 0]

Darren and I are having the courthouse union now and the celebratory wedding in December. We're paying for most of it, and it will be quite small (in relation to how large my family is...). And the best thing about it is the man I'm marrying!!!

[HannahP 119]

I know what you mean. Everyone can hoop and holler about the wedding is not as important as the marriage but thats just how THEY feel. And if they sit back for a second and quit thinking about themselves they will realize its not how YOU feel. I think you should just OPENLY express how you feel to your dad.

Why? her father bought her up, fed and clothed her....I don't even understand why she expected him to pay for her wedding in anyway....most people save up for the wedding day they want these days and don't expect daddy to cough up for it.

I know that, under normal circumstances, my father would have paid for it. To him, love equals money and always has. But he also loves a good deal.

I guess that, yeah, part of me wanted that fairy tale white wedding. I'm only twenty-two. This is my first marriage and I had plenty of dreams. But mostly I'm just upset that no one ever acknowledges that we're married. Friends? Extended family? No. They all still address me by my maiden name and conveniently forget my husband during gift exchanges, despite the cards that I sent out. Despite the fact that we've been dating for seven years and he's been to numerous Thanksgiving and Christmas meets. What actually brought this up was my cousin's recent wedding; they've been living together for nearly a decade, both make lots of money and had a lavish wedding. So that's all my family talks about now. I have another cousin who got married to someone that no one in my family can stand. Yet they are still considered a married couple -- everyone loves my husband, yet they still act like we're two adolescents who've been dating for a few weeks. I don't think of my family as being overly religious or anything. So I don't understand why our lack-of-wedding has resulted in....nothing? Not a blink or a nod.

[DeadPoolX 9]

I know what you mean. Everyone can hoop and holler about the wedding is not as important as the marriage but thats just how THEY feel. And if they sit back for a second and quit thinking about themselves they will realize its not how YOU feel. I think you should just OPENLY express how you feel to your dad.

Why? her father bought her up, fed and clothed her....I don't even understand why she expected him to pay for her wedding in anyway....most people save up for the wedding day they want these days and don't expect daddy to cough up for it.

I know that, under normal circumstances, my father would have paid for it. To him, love equals money and always has. But he also loves a good deal.

I guess that, yeah, part of me wanted that fairy tale white wedding. I'm only twenty-two. This is my first marriage and I had plenty of dreams. But mostly I'm just upset that no one ever acknowledges that we're married. Friends? Extended family? No. They all still address me by my maiden name and conveniently forget my husband during gift exchanges, despite the cards that I sent out. Despite the fact that we've been dating for seven years and he's been to numerous Thanksgiving and Christmas meets. What actually brought this up was my cousin's recent wedding; they've been living together for nearly a decade, both make lots of money and had a lavish wedding. So that's all my family talks about now. I have another cousin who got married to someone that no one in my family can stand. Yet they are still considered a married couple -- everyone loves my husband, yet they still act like we're two adolescents who've been dating for a few weeks. I don't think of my family as being overly religious or anything. So I don't understand why our lack-of-wedding has resulted in....nothing? Not a blink or a nod.

What's your relationship with your family? By your own admission, it seems that your father equates "love with money" and if you have a less-than-stellar relationship with him (or any other member he particularly cares for), perhaps that influenced his decision. After all, weddings -- at least the type you're describing -- can cost a lot of money and contrary to popular opinion, no parent is required to give their daughter her "fairy tale dream wedding." So in order for her to receive anything close to that (or whatever she may want), I'd have to imagine her relationship with her parents and other immediate and extended family members would need to be at least on fairly good terms.

By that same token, has your husband ever done anything to piss off your father, mother or any other member of your family? Did he say or do anything that rubbed them the wrong way? Do they have anything against Canadians or any other group?

All of the above factors could influence the decision to not only pay for your wedding, but show up at it and later acknowledge your marriage.