Not getting the marriage that you wanted?

[HannahP 119]

So, my marriage-day sucked. We went to the courthouse and then went home. I wore an old, used dress and he wore a suit that he bought at Target for $30. Maybe 1/3 of my immediate family (brothers, sisters) managed to show up; his parents showed up from Canada. My dad (who makes over $350,000+ a year) /still/ brags about "getting off of" having to pay for my wedding. Thanks, dad. My extended family still hasn't acknowledged my marriage. I don't mean cards or gifts -- but, oh, "Hey, congrats on getting married!" We've been dating for 7+ years, we lived together for over two years before getting engaged. We can't afford a reception. Or anything.

I guess I find it kind of sad. We dated for five years. We lived together for two years. Yet...nothing, because we don't go through the /rituals/ of marriage.

[MaRob 0]

Well I don't know your story, but why not have a wedding?

[MrsCat 6]

I am sorry to read that Hannah. Weddings and marriage can bring out some of the most gauche behavior by people. Have you considered asking your father to assist with throwing a reception? I dunno, money is always a difficult subject with family, but maybe that's a way you can have a celebration of your wedding.

I had the same thing with my extended family. They really were not interested at all that I had gotten engaged - and even less so that I had gotten married. Finally I told my mother that that had bothered me and she explained that to my extended family privately. I guess they didn't mean to be dismissive and shortly thereafter expressed their congratulations and a little more interest that their only granddaughter/niece/cousin had gotten hitched. Despite being late, it did help with my hurt feelings and I've gotten over it.

[Nanusia & Lukaszek 0]

You have these feelings after a year of being into the marriage? I would assume if you'd feel them not acknowledging your marriage, it would be sooner?

If your dad makes the cha-ching, and you feel as you do, what about putting together like an anniversary ceremony say a year from now at your next wedding anniversary? Ask your dad for some help, and remind him how this would bring the family together and of course make you feel better. You have a year to plan (if I read your timeline correctly)

I kind of know what you are going through, because when we got married we did the civil ceremony and it was rather private. I didnt do the big church wedding that is customary for my family/religion. So some of my family never gave us a real "congratulations", and it does still make me feel sad. Hence, I do plan on doing a church ceremony... somewhere down the line

[Welshcookie 17]

Not getting the marriage that you wanted?

I don't want to come across as harsh but.... a wedding day is something YOU make it. I don't think it's fair to blame other people because you felt your wedding day sucked. Don't look back on your day with sadness...afterall, it's just one day out of the rest of your lives.

[almaty 19]

wsanita did not get the wedding day she wanted.. we got married in the courthouse and my family//did not come///as my brother had energency surgery..so it was sanita and i...th3e judge and a couple of office clerks..i forgot the rings...and afterward, we went straight to the hospital and spent the rest of the day there..and drove home..in case, the situation got worse for him...she was adult about it..as sh!t happens../.

[samantha_lou 0]

I ended up getting married in jeans and tee-shirt at the local courthouse, with not a member of my family or a single friend present - my husbands parents, sister and one of his friends were present. We pretty much did not have a "wedding", we just went and signed the legal paperwork. I guess what is important to me, is that we have a great relationship and we love each other lots - I would have married him in a parking lot wearing PJs if it had come down to that! A wedding is just one day, I'd rather have a solid marriage and focus on that rather than getting hyped up about a single day in my life.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Well I don't know your story, but why not have a wedding?

I think she's saying that because they didn't have a traditional church wedding, their families didn't treat their court wedding like it was as important. That's too bad. Sorry Hannah, that it wasn't what you hoped for.

[Peikko 1,575]

I hope you are feeling more positive today.

Could you be having communication issues with your family? If your dad was 'bragging' about not having to spend money on your wedding, could that not be because he truly believes you had the wedding you wanted? Although there is not much to go on, it sounds as though you gave your family the impression that this wasn't a big deal and wanted them to somehow do the 'knight on white horse' stunt by telepathy. You must have known about all these issues coming up to the big day but for some reason chose to keep it to yourself.

I am sorry that your family didn't feel disposed to send you felicitations though, that does suck.

Anyway, many people do get married in a more simple style these days, either through choice or necessity and it bears no relation on how successful the relationship will be. I wish you and your husband all the best.

Edited June 28, 2008 by Purple_Hibiscus

[Aymerlu 3]

Hannah,

Sorry you are feeling bad about yoru wedding, but you have each other. I got my dress on the sale rack (and yes it was cute) and hubby got his suit at GoodWill (and it rocked) and there was a total of 15-20 people there and there was a lot more invitations that went out. Was it my dream wedding? No. BUT we both looked great and we are more in love now than we were the day we married. To those that didn't show up.....it's their loss.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I am sorry that you were unhappy with your wedding day. The wedding day doesn't equal the marriage, though, so hopefully the happiness you have in your marriage will make up for some of your disappointment.

You mention that you wore an old dress and he wore a cheap suit for a civil wedding at the court house. I know a civil wedding is not as glamorous as the big church wedding, but there were choices you could have made here to help make even the civil ceremony more special. If you had wished, you could have purchased a new dress just for the occasion - you could even have worn a traditional wedding dress if you you felt like that was important. A cheap suit is still a suit - price doesn't always reflect value. A third of your family did make it and his parents came all the way from Canada to attend your service - that is good:-). Perhaps you can try to focus on the positive things that did happen rather than just see the things that didn't happen and it will make your memories a bit happier.

If you want a 'big' wedding, there is no reason you can't have one now - you can have a church service with the white dress and attendants and big guest list if that is what you want. Many others have done this because of immigration requirements. The thing to remember, though, is that a 'good' wedding does not necessarily make a good marriage - that is what you work on every day of your life between the two of you.

I do sympathize. My husband's parents were too elderly to travel and his sister's were suspicious of him marrying anyone he met on line so said they would wait until they met me before they 'decided', so didn't come. My brother and his family were not speaking to me at the time (his choice for personal reasons) so they didn't come. My Dad was the only family member either of us had in attendance. A mutual friend of ours, her husband and her daughter were the only guests. We were married in a civil ceremony by a judge, but we decided that we would still make our wedding day a special one. We looked around to find a venue that would make us feel happy. We even had fun going around checking out different locations. We were married in the heritage gardens of an antebellum historic house; he wore his regular suit, I wore a traditional wedding dress that I had gone on sale. I made the bouquets that my friend and I carried and the buttoneers that my husband and Dad wore. We just went to a local tearoom afterwards for refreshments then back home for dinner. It was small but because we chose to make it special, it was. I loved my wedding day.

I think you are faced with a choice that only you can make. You can't change anyone else's opinions or minds or beliefs. If they choose not to be happy about the marriage and not to want to participate in the ceremony, you can't change their minds. The only one you can change is yours. You can continue to be unhappy and dissatisfied with the wedding day service that you chose - or you can do something about it - you can accept what happened, try to find the good things that were present on that day instead of the negative things, or you can even 're-write' the script by re-doing your vows with a special ceremony that means something special to you, regardless of who else is present to share your day.

Good luck, and as I said, a good marriage is much, much more than a special wedding day. I wish you much happiness in a good marriage.

Edited June 28, 2008 by Kathryn41

[raphael7546 0]

Sorry your Wedding wasn't what you imagined it would've been Hannah.

Maybe you're family didn't feel it neccesary to acknowledge your marriage because you had already lived together.

This was my 2nd marriage. When I married my exhusband I had just gone thru Cancer surgery Chemo, lost most of my hair,etc. I was released from the hospital a week before my planned wedding. My sister planned the whole wedding. I was thankful,but it wasn't MY wedding. I vowed that I would have the wedding I wanted when my Hubby & I married.

My parents& sister were the only family members who bothered to show up on my side of the family

My younger brother chose to go camping in Idhao (One state above me) instead of coming to the wedding. He said it was too far.

We didn't go on a honeymoon. Just spent one night in a beautiful B. & B. We plan on going somewhere exotic on our 5 yr anni.

Just remember, The Wedding lasts one day, your marriage and knowing you chose the right person will last a lifetime. All that really matters is that your together.

Edited June 28, 2008 by raphael7546

[Ban Hammer 13,427]

if you're not getting the marriage you wanted, try this:

link

[Welshcookie 17]

if you're not getting the marriage you wanted, try this:

link

nice! I sent the link to hubby....maybe he'll buy me something nice

[Muh and me 18]

I feel bad your wedding day wasn't what you had hoped for. My parents didn't show up at mine. My oldest son refused to come also. My son showed up in tennis shoes, and didn't come to the lake for wedding pictures. And the person who gave me away along with my son showed up drunk!!! But my day other than that was the most beautiful day of my life. (even better than the first two times i got married)