Frustrated

[LucyMI 0]

Hi,

A while ago, when I had just come to the US I logged on to VJ. Read a little on how people cope when they get here.

One message that shocked me was how someone had been here for one year and not made any friends.

At that time I had been here for three months and the only thing that was worrying me was getting a job.

Guess what, the message I once thought was shocking is not anymore. I've been here for one year now and I have no friends! No job! and having problems with in-laws.

I feel like the minute I landed foot here, I ceased to exist.

I dont know what to do sometimes I think of going back home but its not that easy.

Am married have a greencard and happily left a good job back at home to come join my husband.

[*Robert* 2]

Sorry to hear that Lucy. Have you tried going to the regional forums and find some other members that live near you?

Are you religious? Is there a church you can go to to make friends there?

Hopefully you'll get lots of replies from the other women on here.

Hope things get better for you!

[MichelleandCraig 1]

awwwwwwwwwwww this is not to pry, but to gain insight, as Craig still has issues adjusting as well,which I won't go into further here. Been there, done that. Anyway...are you and your hubby primarily ok?? (very much hoping so) and you're just feeling lost/alone? Or are there marital issues as well?(which I'm not asking you to delve into here) All the very best... M.

[JenT 0]

Hi Lucy...

How about volunteer work? Contact your local Red Cross or ask around so see whether there is an organization in your community that coordinates volunteers of events or organizations. Memorial Day is coming up... is there a parade committee or something??? How about the local animal shelter? Doesn't have to be something you'll do 'forever', but just to get yourself out into the community to meet people.

I joined a new church a year ago where I knew no one personally, other than an ex-bf who introduced me to his faith community. We broke up 3 months after I started going with him but I liked it so much, I felt called to remain. But the only way to feel a part of things was to actively seek out opportunities to meet people. I volunteered to help with Christmas decorations, I attended their Wed evening Scripture study, and I asked about a women's retreat... there was no retreat planned but a month later, someone from their staff phoned and asked whether I would be interested in organizing one, which I was... and I did... met some wonderful women there and have since become involved in elder care and organizing their volunteer staff...

You have to make the first move and other opportunities will follow. It's all about networking.

And you can always talk to us, here!

Good luck, Jen

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Forgot to add...I SO hope you feel better soon...I've experienced Craig feeling it, but I'm absolutely certain that doesn't even compare minutely to the person going through it. I hope you feel better soon, and we're all here rooting for you...anytime you need to talk PM I would be GLAD to try to cheer you up a bit, or just alleviate some boredom. What state do you live in? M.

[Ephesia 0]

Lucy,

How about your husband's friends? Has he introduced them to you? My network of friends here started with his friends, who then introduced me to their friends. Granted, I still don't have a lot of friends here ... but the number is enough for me to know I matter. And come to think of it, I didn't have that many friends in Singapore too.

And as someone else suggested, visit a church or a voluntary organization maybe? And when I get my driver's license, I want to volunteer at a pet shelter. If you like animals, maybe this is a possible avenue for you too?

[ChristinaM 0]

I have been here just shy of a year, and I don't have any friends who aren't my husbands. I have made many acquaintances, but nobody I can call up and say "Hey, let's go out for a drink tonight". I was able to get a job pretty quickly, so that helped with routine and structure, but it was and still is hard sometimes. I can't help but remember who I was in the UK, and I've lost a lot of that now. I understand also about landing on US soil and losing your identity.

Hugs.

[Leafgal 3]

I agree that joining a volunteer organization, or take up a hobby with or without your SO (like bowling in a league). And the idea of finding other VJ members near you seems like a good one too, no matter where they are from. I know I am hoping once I am through the process that I will try to find others to see from VJ in Virginia or surrounding states.

I am so sorry that you are feeling down, I am sorry for all of you who I can only imagine must feel very displaced. Keep your chin up, and try some of the great suggestions that the posters have made and I hope it works out great.

[Collie 122]

I think making friends is the hardest thing to do for most people. Like the others said, get out there and look at voluntary work and vj people who live close by. I have been here since last November in texas and we live in the back butt of nowhere with in-laws so its difficult at times.

i've made some friends and one of them who is scarily like me in personality is a girl from VJ and next week we are meeting for the first time, but we have been talking for months and I feel I know her so well already. i'm so excited!

Always keep positive

[Leafgal 3]

That is great Collie, have a good visit with the new VJ friend. I am hoping once I get down there I will hopefully meet others from VJ as well.

[iceyspots 0]

yes... religious activities and volunteer organizations are excellent... I never really found true friends until I joined either one of them, and I'm american myself! Wishing you good luck on your endavours

[kc456 0]

If you like the outdoors, you can join the Sierra Club; their local chapters run different kinds of outing groups: that's how I found people to go cross country skiing with. And we made a couple of good friends.

[edsperfect 25]

There is no need to lose one's identity just because you are in the US. Others here are right though. No one is going to knock on your door and ask to be your friend. They have made some great suggestions and I will adda couple. Spring is here so join up for some group golf lessons that teach women. You will learn with them, play with them and become friends.

Consider other sports also like bowling but i think Golf is great for women. It turns into a social event for them every thime they are on the course.

[Reba 2]

I haven't made a whole lot of friends since I moved here either, which was nearly 2 years ago now. But I do have 2 friends! One of which was right here at VJ, and she and her husband live about 1 hour from us, and another I found on a local Yahoo group. She lives about half an hour from me. I have met other people and see them every so often, but wouldn't necessarily call them "friends". Yet. None actually right here in the town where I live tho, most of the locals scare me!

Shortly after I arrived I went searching thru Yahoo for groups to join that would share some personal interests. This usually helps to break the ice when you have an interest in common to talk about. There are groups or message boards for just about everything, just pick a hobby or interest of yours and go look to see if theres a local group.

I totally understand what its like to lose yourself once you get here, for a long time I didn't recognise myself from who I used to be. And once we get to adult-hood, its more and more difficult to make new friends. Especially if you don't have a job or anything where you can meet people. You can find just about anything on the internet tho!

[Sister Fracas 5]

Finding friends through hobbies, church, community organizations are all really good ideas. My husband came here last June and in the time he was waiting for his SS card so he could go to work, he searched out clubs and places to play this card game he plays. By August he had a few friends and now he has a group of about 10 buddies he plays cards with twice a week. They rotate going to each other's houses and they play at clubs. Through this, he's found he shares other interests with some of them, like interests in the same bands, etc. They've gone to gigs I wasn't interested in, we've been around to these friend's houses for parties, been out to dinner and movies with these guys and their SOs, and one is getting married this weekend and we are going to the wedding. So it CAN be done.

We also belong to an ExPat group through meetup.com and we meet occasionally to go out to pubs/for meals/to watch soccer. Check out meetup.com for people in your area interested in the same things you are.

Good luck!