How much, is too much?

[Sylvia_n_Joseph 3]

Thank you so much for the one sign of understanding and compassion that I have seen is this sea of ugliness

I thouroughly read her post. She was not attacking you. You she was making a comment on her knowledge and experience. I felt your responce to her was much more attacking. There is a reason you specificly felt attacked, but it has nothing to do with her. Only you.

Why would God have to forgive me? Because I am educated someone on why people get defensive.

"Generally, when people talk about someone becoming defensive in the context of a conversation, they are meaning that that someone is engaging in emotionally defensive maneuvers designed to ward off their having to experience some unwanted feeling or admit responsibility for some disowned act. People who are acting defensively are essentially trying to protect themselves from feeling a certain uncomfortable way, and from viewing themselves as a failure or otherwise in a negative light. " Ann Witt, MD

I was not defending myself I was responding to an unwarranted personal attack from someone that had no knowledge of the truth. I have no doubts at all about my relationship so thank you very much for throwing out some more thoughtless words. If you don't know what you are talking about you should really not make accusations. May god forgive you for your behavior

Only God can see the heart. It could be as simple as misunderstanding the meaning of the typed word by someone and we should not judge someones relationship and assume a reply is defensiveness when it is a misunderstanding.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

And throwing it snippets for your gallery of quotes to justify your slander to wards my relationship.

[correction]

I was did not slandering your relationship.

I was explaining to her not to take your reaction personal and explanation of why people feel defensive. I know nothing about your relationship nor do I need to understand why people react defensively.

I do not have to nor should you expect posters to read every single topic in visajourney or the subsuharah. I read this posting and I am responding to her post. The fact that you think my quotes are a slander to your relationship really makes no sence. Again you are being defensive to my post.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

I can tell that her long paragraph of her husband's life was a defensive responce. It was not just one statement that lead me to this conclusion it was several.

I did not judge her relationship. I do not know who she is or who her husband his. I can't even remember if they are married. I would have to go back and look. I am commenting on her defensive post that made the OP feel upset. I told her not to take it personal.

Only God can see the heart. It could be as simple as misunderstanding the meaning of the typed word by someone and we should not judge someones relationship and assume a reply is defensiveness when it is a misunderstanding.

See I am writing like she is married and she is not. So how could I judge a relationship I know nothing about.

I can tell that her long paragraph of her husband's life was a defensive responce. It was not just one statement that lead me to this conclusion it was several.

I did not judge her relationship. I do not know who she is or who her husband his. I can't even remember if they are married. I would have to go back and look. I am commenting on her defensive post that made the OP feel upset. I told her not to take it personal.

Only God can see the heart. It could be as simple as misunderstanding the meaning of the typed word by someone and we should not judge someones relationship and assume a reply is defensiveness when it is a misunderstanding.

[Sylvia_n_Joseph 3]

She is defensive because of her own doubts

Those are you own devil spawned words casting dispersion at a relationship you have no inside knowledge about. I seriously would love to know why you would think it is your duty to cast such judgment at my relationship. Are you above us all and have the gift to try to tear apart a relationship ? Are you of a new sect that masks itself as Christian that delights at casting falsehoods on the net ? Just please explain to me why you are doing this ? What part of your cut and paste religious quotes gives you the right to cast judgment on my relationship ? This isn't anything close to a supportive venue.

And throwing it snippets for your gallery of quotes to justify your slander to wards my relationship.

[correction]

I was did not slandering your relationship.

I was explaining to her not to take your reaction personal and explanation of why people feel defensive. I know nothing about your relationship nor do I need to understand why people react defensively.

I do not have to nor should you expect posters to read every single topic in visajourney or the subsuharah. I read this posting and I am responding to her post. The fact that you think my quotes are a slander to your relationship really makes no sence. Again you are being defensive to my post.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

OH, could you please quote me where I cast judgment on your relationship?

The only thing I will ask GOD to forgive me on is wasting my time in forums having this conversation with you.

Oh and its poster that are so defensive that keep people from posting. I get messages in my in box from people who are afraid to speak their mind for some reason in the African Sub sahara.

She is defensive because of her own doubts

Those are you own devil spawned words casting dispersion at a relationship you have no inside knowledge about. I seriously would love to know why you would think it is your duty to cast such judgment at my relationship. Are you above us all and have the gift to try to tear apart a relationship ? Are you of a new sect that masks itself as Christian that delights at casting falsehoods on the net ? Just please explain to me why you are doing this ? What part of your cut and paste religious quotes gives you the right to cast judgment on my relationship ? This isn't anything close to a supportive venue.

And throwing it snippets for your gallery of quotes to justify your slander to wards my relationship.

[correction]

I was did not slandering your relationship.

I was explaining to her not to take your reaction personal and explanation of why people feel defensive. I know nothing about your relationship nor do I need to understand why people react defensively.

I do not have to nor should you expect posters to read every single topic in visajourney or the subsuharah. I read this posting and I am responding to her post. The fact that you think my quotes are a slander to your relationship really makes no sence. Again you are being defensive to my post.

[Asante Maroon 0]

This conversation is going no where. No one is hearing the other and the conversation has gotten out of control and unproductive.

Let's agree to let it go and drop the topic because it is not getting us anywhere.

We need to exercise some net etiquette and respect each others opinions and views.

Let's move on.

[Tamikuti7 0]

Sylvia_n_Joseph are you going to argue with everyone? Dang! Let it go!

[Simply_Uno 1]

I was always taught

"starve what you want to die and feed what you want to live"

and truth be told, none of us knows anything about any of us aside from what we decide to tell each other; so why get upset. if it aint true, don't apply to you, why respond??? everyone has opinions just like everyone has #######.

[Perseverance 1]

I was always taught

"starve what you want to die and feed what you want to live"

and truth be told, none of us knows anything about any of us aside from what we decide to tell each other; so why get upset. if it aint true, don't apply to you, why respond??? everyone has opinions just like everyone has #######.

Yes this is soo true. It is really hard when you are on the recieving end, to just ignore, especially when the people who are saying things know nothing about you or your situation. I myself have also fallen prey to the judgemental nastiness here. The projection of thier own experience on to my situation. It really upset me and only made a bad situation for me worse, I needed support not to further be kicked down. VJ has crabs in a bucket syndrome.

[Akoto 0]

You are right You have no idea of my relationship. We have known each other for years and I have known the family for over a decade. I have never implied that Joseph is lazy or going to live off me when he gets here. My comment about him not making as much as I do is a reference to my income level. I am not some welfare mom or some little old lady living on disability, so lonely for company and praying someone will drop a paycheck in my lap. Those are the types that will frustrate a hard working man as a burden and will find their home empty once again.

I am not sure why you singled me out, maybe you have something against interracial marriages but whatever you trip is that is fine. Joseph has long admired white features and that is part of what makes us tick as a couple. He has never [b]really cared for the type of woman that spends hard earned money on hair and nails. [/b]His education there is as a construction costing manager. He made a decent wage by Nigerian standards. He was never one of those Nigerians I have had contact with that have money for things and could never quite explain how they got it. ( To me magic money spells scammer ) Right now there isn't much call for construction here in southern California so he will probably work out of his specialty. Maybe do a switch to something else. Either way he is looking working in a new country and will not be paid as a highly experienced , highly educated employee straight off.

I am not heading for a free fall by any means. Joseph is not well off in Nigeria but he was doing the best he could. He owns a couple of pieces of property that as of right now don't have dwellings on them. He is older and unmarried because when he was younger, he paid bride price for a woman, educated her and lost her to an automotive accident while she was doing her youth corp service. I have been to where she is buried on the family property. We have talked about plans for both properties as well as caring for his parents ( he is the oldest son so that falls on him ) We have talked traditions such as head shaving if he predeceases me. His father has broken a kola nut in my honor. His youngest brother and I hit off well because we are both electrical engineers. Another is a doctor. Joseph has given a lot to make sure they didn't have to leave school due to lack of money and never asked me for anything. Why would I at this point develop a sense of cheapness and tell him to reschedule an interview over a few hundred dollars. We want to be together so if for a bit more money comes out of my pocket I am fine with it.

What is meant by the statement in red? Please explain

[Ta Ta 1]

The ignoring advice is of course good, except there comes a time when enough is enough and I personally stand up to untrue statements against me or my SO. Each one has to decide when that time has come and when boundaries were overstepped.

I am not confrontational but neither am I a door mat and for those that have not been on the receiving end yet ( hope you never will be)

I believe it would be very difficult for you also to ignore someone's personal attacks with sarcastic assumptions, passive aggressive instigation and downright being insulted.

So, it depends on what kind of negativity we are talking about. ........momma bear just may come out for a minute.

We are a diverse group and handle these situations differently. Rebuttals are not against online etiquette in my opinion, unless they turn into

open fire flame wars and name calling. In which case moderators can intervene.

Fight fair, clear the air and move on, just like in any other human interaction. I don't run but stand my ground and am able to forgive.

I feel clearing the air is a better solution than constant bickering and grudge holding.

[Sylvia_n_Joseph 3]

You are right You have no idea of my relationship. We have known each other for years and I have known the family for over a decade. I have never implied that Joseph is lazy or going to live off me when he gets here. My comment about him not making as much as I do is a reference to my income level. I am not some welfare mom or some little old lady living on disability, so lonely for company and praying someone will drop a paycheck in my lap. Those are the types that will frustrate a hard working man as a burden and will find their home empty once again.

I am not sure why you singled me out, maybe you have something against interracial marriages but whatever you trip is that is fine. Joseph has long admired white features and that is part of what makes us tick as a couple. He has never [b]really cared for the type of woman that spends hard earned money on hair and nails. [/b]His education there is as a construction costing manager. He made a decent wage by Nigerian standards. He was never one of those Nigerians I have had contact with that have money for things and could never quite explain how they got it. ( To me magic money spells scammer ) Right now there isn't much call for construction here in southern California so he will probably work out of his specialty. Maybe do a switch to something else. Either way he is looking working in a new country and will not be paid as a highly experienced , highly educated employee straight off.

I am not heading for a free fall by any means. Joseph is not well off in Nigeria but he was doing the best he could. He owns a couple of pieces of property that as of right now don't have dwellings on them. He is older and unmarried because when he was younger, he paid bride price for a woman, educated her and lost her to an automotive accident while she was doing her youth corp service. I have been to where she is buried on the family property. We have talked about plans for both properties as well as caring for his parents ( he is the oldest son so that falls on him ) We have talked traditions such as head shaving if he predeceases me. His father has broken a kola nut in my honor. His youngest brother and I hit off well because we are both electrical engineers. Another is a doctor. Joseph has given a lot to make sure they didn't have to leave school due to lack of money and never asked me for anything. Why would I at this point develop a sense of cheapness and tell him to reschedule an interview over a few hundred dollars. We want to be together so if for a bit more money comes out of my pocket I am fine with it.

What is meant by the statement in red? Please explain

It simply means that he doesn't want a woman that spends money looking like a harlot with fake nails and excessive makeup and hair nor that wears clothing showing off their body to everyone.

[Akoto 0]

You are right You have no idea of my relationship. We have known each other for years and I have known the family for over a decade. I have never implied that Joseph is lazy or going to live off me when he gets here. My comment about him not making as much as I do is a reference to my income level. I am not some welfare mom or some little old lady living on disability, so lonely for company and praying someone will drop a paycheck in my lap. Those are the types that will frustrate a hard working man as a burden and will find their home empty once again.

I am not sure why you singled me out, maybe you have something against interracial marriages but whatever you trip is that is fine. Joseph has long admired white features and that is part of what makes us tick as a couple. He has never [b]really cared for the type of woman that spends hard earned money on hair and nails. [/b]His education there is as a construction costing manager. He made a decent wage by Nigerian standards. He was never one of those Nigerians I have had contact with that have money for things and could never quite explain how they got it. ( To me magic money spells scammer ) Right now there isn't much call for construction here in southern California so he will probably work out of his specialty. Maybe do a switch to something else. Either way he is looking working in a new country and will not be paid as a highly experienced , highly educated employee straight off.

I am not heading for a free fall by any means. Joseph is not well off in Nigeria but he was doing the best he could. He owns a couple of pieces of property that as of right now don't have dwellings on them. He is older and unmarried because when he was younger, he paid bride price for a woman, educated her and lost her to an automotive accident while she was doing her youth corp service. I have been to where she is buried on the family property. We have talked about plans for both properties as well as caring for his parents ( he is the oldest son so that falls on him ) We have talked traditions such as head shaving if he predeceases me. His father has broken a kola nut in my honor. His youngest brother and I hit off well because we are both electrical engineers. Another is a doctor. Joseph has given a lot to make sure they didn't have to leave school due to lack of money and never asked me for anything. Why would I at this point develop a sense of cheapness and tell him to reschedule an interview over a few hundred dollars. We want to be together so if for a bit more money comes out of my pocket I am fine with it.

What is meant by the statement in red? Please explain

It simply means that he doesn't want a woman that spends money looking like a harlot with fake nails and excessive makeup and hair nor that wears clothing showing off their body to everyone.

What's a harlot? Never mind I will google it.

[Sylvia_n_Joseph 3]

Sylvia_n_Joseph are you going to argue with everyone? Dang! Let it go!

If some one wants to say I doubt my relationship then they will get an earful. They know nothing about it and are just doing the devils work with their tongues. This is more of the sub Saharan killing fields than any form of support. They just want to rip a relationship asunder then hide the carcass while they rub their fat bellies and look for the next kill.

[Akoto 0]

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar robbing her home of its valuables and she yelled:

'STOP! Acts 2:38!' ('Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven').

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!'