The problems of sharing a life together

[Clau 0]

Hello people. Just to briefly introduce me, I came to USA to get married to my love and I am here for 6 months now.

I know that it is a big change for everyone, and many adjustments are needed, but I would like to know if any of you had gone through (or are going) similar situation.

He has a daughter who lives with us half of the week. I have no issue with the 14 year old kid, but I cannot feel comfortable either when she is around – no matter how much I try. I want to go away, read in my room and do whatever, since I can stay away. My husband, of course, wants me with him so we can spend time together, but we are not really “together” when she is around. We barely talk about things we usually do, and he behaves different.

That is the main issue. Of course he has his life and appointments and things he does, and I am founding myself no willing to follow him anymore. He says we must chose to be together, but to me he is choosing to be with someone else. I understand the acceptance of each other’s life, but it is tough sometimes.

Any words will help.

Thank you.

[rebeccajo 14]

My husband (the immigrant) and my son have never really 'bonded'. But my husband never gives up in showing interest in my son and being proud of whatever he does. He also doesn't regard all three of us spending time together as just he and I not being together - we are all together as family and he believes that what we do together as a couple with my son alongside us will have a positive impact on my son.

[Lea_in_Brasil 0]

You should try bonding with her. Spend some 1 on 1 time with her. Take her shopping or something. Maybe if you start a relationship with her you wont feel so uncomfortable having her around. But for sure you need to remember that she'll always be a part of your future husbands life so you need to accept her into yours.

I know it was strange when i was a child and my mom brought a new guy into our lives. But he was cool and put a lot of effort into having an relationship with me and eventually we formed a father-daughter bond. I keep in touch with him to this day even though he and my mother split up years ago.

It's strange at first but eventually, if you are willing to do what it takes, you become a family. GL

Edited June 19, 2008 by Lea_in_Brasil

[Kathryn41 3,205]

well, I am going to suggest something different:-). It sounds like you and your husband no longer have 'together' time as well. It can be very tiring living in front of a 14 year old, especially one with whom you don't have a lot of affinity yet. I see no problems with everyone having some of their 'own' time, as well. It doesn't make you any less a couple, but brings some balance into your lives. My husband and I have no children sharing our home and while we do spend a lot of time together (when he isn't at work) we also do things on our own and neither feels it a threat. We actually both enjoy that 'down' time. So, don't feel guilty for needing some time to go off into another room and read or something.

What you may want to do, though, is to try to reclaim some of that together time with just your husband. Suggest having 'dates' where it is the two of you who go our for dinner or for an evening out on your own. The 14 year old can join you sometimes but you also need your own time together. Knowing that you can have together time will make it easier to spend the rest of the time with the 14 year old more comfortable.

I do agree that you would also benefit from trying to get to know the 14 year old better - going out with just the two of you as well - a 'girl's

day out'. Go and enjoy an afternoon together getting a pedicure and manicure; shopping together; even seeing a movie together. Guaranteed, at 14 you won't have a lot of time left where she is willing to spend so much time with her 'parents' either. She will be starting to establish her own life soon, so this time together will soon become less of a problem because she will initiate changes.

6 months isn't a long time. You are definitely still adapting to so many things here. Trying to fit into a ready made family is always a challenge on everyone involved. Good luck to the three of you.

Edited June 19, 2008 by Kathryn41

[Perseverance 1]

She might be feeling funny about things too. Maybe instead of ignoring the Elephant in the room, you should try taking her to the mall, go hang out with her, try to get to know her. Just be her friend, 14 is a hard age.

P

[*JG* 2]

14 is a hard age. And, it takes time to gain trust.

My kids are 12 and 15. Both have bonded nicely with Andre. They call him all the time. They do things with him. We do things as a family; but never really push the issues. If we are doing something and they want to come, fine. If not, fine. We hang out plenty of times just playing games or watching movies.

I think you may be giving off some vibes and so is she. Try some one on one things with her....simple things....let's go work in the garden, go shopping for a present for her birthday or your husband's birthday, find something in common and discuss it, watch a movie you both like, play a game, take a walk......

Seems you are threatening to her and she to you and an underlying negativity is there. Relax and get to know one another in a non-forced sort of way.

[Clau 0]

You guys are awesome.

Thank you for all your comments. Actually me and her have no problem getting along. We talk, go play sports and it seems that when we are alone (without him) everything works. Many times she complained how much she hates him – what we all know it isn’t true. At the end we are both jealous of him I think. And I also think that at the beginning my husband pushed too hard for me to love her and accept her and be with her and be happy that I started resenting the whole thing. Another thing is that he works till later at night and get only one Sunday off.

I am looking for words of wisdom and ways to change this feeling. I am starting to consider going to live in another place and get to see him one in a while, and be just us, not his entire life hunting us - but that simple thought breaks my heart since I love him very, very much, although it is getting harder for me now to accept this whole situation.

I have been crying for the last 3 days – even at my work.

I feel lost.

Thank you again.

[rebeccajo 14]

Sounds to me like you are having some normal adjustment pains.

I read once that it takes an immigrant a full seven years to adapt to life in a new country. You are trying to do all that along with having newlywed pangs, plus a kid on board.

You probably do need to schedule some 'dates' with your husband. And maybe speak to him about making sure when the daughter is along, it really is 'the three of you'.

[maore 0]

Hello people. Just to briefly introduce me, I came to USA to get married to my love and I am here for 6 months now.

I know that it is a big change for everyone, and many adjustments are needed, but I would like to know if any of you had gone through (or are going) similar situation.

He has a daughter who lives with us half of the week. I have no issue with the 14 year old kid, but I cannot feel comfortable either when she is around – no matter how much I try. I want to go away, read in my room and do whatever, since I can stay away. My husband, of course, wants me with him so we can spend time together, but we are not really “together” when she is around. We barely talk about things we usually do, and he behaves different.

That is the main issue. Of course he has his life and appointments and things he does, and I am founding myself no willing to follow him anymore. He says we must chose to be together, but to me he is choosing to be with someone else. I understand the acceptance of each other’s life, but it is tough sometimes.

Any words will help.

Thank you.

One thing Brazilian do well is integrate and play football , so basically I think the crucial thing you need to fix sooner rather than late is being a friend to her daughter. I am not a woman but here what I would do :

1. Get a job

2. Invite your daughter in law to do thing that girls/women around the world would do such as shopping ,having some beauty stuff done

3. Make sure you have some alone time with the daughter

4. If possible make yourself a friend of her mother (then you are covered on all side of the pitch)

Yes your special one will behave a bit strangely in the start , he has to adapt to you being in his life as much as you have to. Give it time but take some forward positive steps towards building a friendship with your daughter in law you never know she could be a life long support and confident for you.

Easier said than done - it is a challenge worth taking up and you can not fail !

[Georgian@ 0]

what i understand from this is:

the husband has just a little spare time to give attention to the people around him.

u and the kid get frustrated because of this, and the things r the way they r between the 2 of u because u r sharing his little bit of time and its normal to get this way.

solution from my point of view would be:

when u have any issue, make it so that ur husband is the first one to find out about it,( thats something for a long term "run"-blink). talk to urself, try to analyse the situation from different angles, and most important choose an appropriate moment for both of u to tell him. listen to his point of view first then listen to the others.

try to explain him that a relationship between 2 people needs to have that so called "quality time" to be able to develop(in a good way anyway). what i mean by quality time is that minumum of time that 2 people need to give attention to eachother, share between themselves only, do thing that they enjoy together. and that he has to offer u this quality time and also to his daughter. rest of the time that we r just together it usually doesnt count and only makes people frustrated.

as other people already mentioned u should try to keep urself busy and get some satisfaction from that. it helps

best luck and start working on being a couple. its not easy to be a couple, we r not born this way and differences are all over the place.

take care,

Georgiana