Prevention

[Ta Ta 1]

In light of hearing stories about woman who have been scammed by foreign men, which brakes my heart, I wonder if it may be helpful to post some practical tips and advice focusing primarily on prevention.

How can women who just hooked up with someone protect themselves ?

Any hindsights ? Ideas ?

But no matter what we do, someone who does everything to be cautious and utilizes common sense can still get burned while

someone blinded by love who throws caution to the wind, can have a very successful outcome.

There are never guarantees in love and marriage. You make a choice, take a risk and hope for the best.

As a Christian, to me it is vital to be a fruit inspector of his behavior, words and actions. What is in the heart will come out of the

mouth. I believe in making God the center of my relationship, don't just invite God to the wedding, invite him into your marriage.

The intent of this thread is in regards to someone THINKING about going to the next level with someone they don't know.

Often it is too late once deep into the relationship and hindsight after a breakup won't protect the women going through it,

therefore the focus on potentially "preventing" a disaster. " I wish I would haves " often come too late but will help others here.

My tips are :

1. Before you jump into a deeper level remain friends for a long time to get a " feel " for his/her personality.

2. Test him. For instant, I want someone who doesn't go clubbing, who drinks etc. so bring up the subject

and see what the response is without you revealing your opinion on it yet.

Example ( so you sound tired, got a hangover from partying too hard .......instead of I don't believe in drinking.)You get my drift,

do it with anything and see what floats to the top over time.

3. Don't reveal too much about yourself, your likes and dislikes, he/she may just tell you what he/she thinks you want to hear and

try to mirror your lifestyle to win you over for an easy target.

4. Network like crazy with contacts in his country ......churches, friends of friends you trust, NGO's, etc. Then have them pop by or

do some drive by's to hang out and watch what reveals itself. What is the feedback of poeple who know him and of those who

bump into him sometimes ?

5. Google google google and check his email address on rapleaf.com etc.

6. Before you travel to meet him, have your network friends in his country informed and able to help if things don't turn out

so you won't be stranded in a foreign country by yourself if you are not used to traveling abroad. Be safe.

After you feel you can go to the next level keep one eye open but lose the paranoia, be smart but not overly suspicious.

Visit as often and as long as you can. Careful with sending money. Exchange passwords to your email account and see his reaction

the first time you kindly ask for it.

I can think of more but just wanted to get it rolling.

Edited June 18, 2008 by Omoba

[Simply_Uno 1]

to add to that,

a person will tell you everything you need to know within the first 5 minutes of the pursuit, you just have be actively listening with your common senses in tact and not your coochie in control .

oh, and believe a person the first time they tell you about themselves, even if they are speaking of how their past relationships or lack of relationships have soured .

and last but not least,

try the spirit by the spirit ,

if you dont know what that means, ask me and I will explain in greater detail.

Edited June 18, 2008 by unononehigher

[Ta Ta 1]

good advice.

[Ta Ta 1]

I believe taking responsibility for our initial screening of a potential mate puts woman in a position of control to some extend.

It is where we must begin to protect ourselves.

[Ta Ta 1]

Another one.........ask a lot of questions ( relationship questions,and dates, family, jobs,) and weeks later ask them again .....are the answers the same

or have they changed because he couldn't keep his stories straight and forgot previous lies ?

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Well, I usually think don't do anything online that you wouldn't do in real life. People seem to do wierd things online that I can't imagine they would do if they were standing in real life with the same person.

Don't jump into a relationship too quickly. Take it really slow and take the time to really get to know the person. I took three years before marrying my first husband and two years with this husband. It will be three by the time Bassi is my husband. I don't think you can know a person in less than a year, especially when you don't live very close to each other.

Edited June 18, 2008 by Bassi and Zainab

[LovinLiberia 0]

I think that when a person isn't genuine in their intent there will always be warning signs and red flags. It's left up to you to be observant and figure it out.

I think the main thing is to really take time and attempt to get the know the person as much as you can. Does that person open up to you? Are they willing to let you meet their family? What is he afraid of? What does he like/dislike?

There were a few "friends" that I had to drop because I caught on to their scamming ways. I'm thinking of some of the examples that stood out in my head and here are a few:

1. Constantly asking for money, gifts, and items. Almost anytime you talk the conversation includes what you can do to help them. One guy in Ghana had a bad habit of always begging for money. I never sent it, but it didn't stop him. It ranged from his mother being sick to wanting to open an art store to needing a new cell phone. Eventually, he got frustrated and promised to send my picture to the Voodoo priest and have the priest make my kids hate me forever. Pssshh, he got blocked instantly and my kids still hug me and kiss me.

2. Always talking about a visa. It could be a student visa, a fiance visa, or a visa to come and visit. If the person seems to always have their priorities on somehow getting a visa, something is definately wrong. An ex-friend of mine in Nigeria used to plot ways to get out of the country. He came up with all kinds of silly ideas. One idea was that he would get to South Africa, somehow take a flight to China, and once in China, find an outgoing flight to the US and pretend like he had amnesia and didn't know where he came from. He felt that was a sure bet to America. Uhhhh, yeah, keep trying buddy.

3. Claims to be British or American, but can barely put an English sentence together. This example is the same guy in #2. We actually met with him pretending to be a white man in London who owned a top cell phone business. Right off the bat, I knew it was fishy because he made a ton of grammatical errors. Not that business people don't make mistakes, but these sentences were barely understandable. Also, he would use "cos" instead of because and he started a lot of his sentences with "Am" instead of "I'm" or "I am". I hounded him until he finally admitted he was Nigerian.

4. Does your SO constantly have you ship packages or electronics to them? Dateline did a story on this called "To catch an identity theft". The piece featured an innocent man who had been duped by his sexy gf is Russia. This guy had lost more than $80,000 based on lies and false promises. This gf would have him receive packages from UPS and Fedex and then ship them to a specified address in....AFRICA. This gf supposedly had a contact in Africa who would pick up the package and forward it to Russia. Well, to make a long story short, Dateline followed one of the packages and found out that there is NO gf in Russia, but there was a man in Benin pretending to be a sexy Russian woman. The packages contained merchandise (electronics and jewelry) that had been purchased with stolen credit cards.

5. Always complaining about their terrible living conditions, yet they have enough money to sit online all day. Sometimes the user isn't always bold with their bad intentions. If the person is steadily complaining about how horrible things are for them and they don't know how they will survive, but they somehow have enough to come online all the time, then something isn't right. From what I've seen, most times this is a way to evoke sympathy from person they intend to use.

There are so many things to look out for and I'm not saying that all of these are surefire ways to know if you are being scammed or not, but in most cases, these can lead to it. Some of these examples (#5) may be genuinely happening to the person and it doesn't necessarily mean they are scamming you. Just keep your eyes and ears open and don't ignore the red flags.

*A little side note regarding MOST men in Africa. If you have a man who is continuously begging you for money, you need to take a hard look at him. I know this doesn't apply to all of them, but Africans LOVE to take care of themselves and their families. They take great pride and joy in being able to handle things by themselves. Most African men who genuinely love you would be too embarrassed to beg his woman for money all of the time. We all know emergencies come up, but if he always seems to need your help and has no problem asking often, then maybe you should re-evaluate his intentions.

Again, this is my opinions and experiences and some of the things that I have found common in dating scams.

[Sylvia_n_Joseph 3]

I have known the family for over 10 years.I have worked with a relative, that is a citizen here, in helping find resources for assisting people there. In fact Joseph wasn't the first famly member I met .It was two of his cousins that were my first family contacts, they decided that we were a good match before we even talked. The family shares a lot of the same values and desires. It is good if you can get to know the family and not just the one you are marrying. Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles can give you a very good feel for what kind of upbringing a person really has. If a person avoids letting you know their family something is wrong.

[Perseverance 1]

Off the top of my head, I would recomend more than one visit, I can hear you all already, the $$$. If I can do it anyone can do it. I was a single mother of 3. You just figure out how to do it. I only have a high school diploma, (I had plans for school but God had a different plan) I worked 2 jobs to get us through this process, and support my many trips. It was important to me to visit so I made it a priority. I dont think that if you go one time for a week or 2 that is enough time to gather enough information or get to know a person. Also the length of the visits I think are key if you can go for at least 2 weeks but 3 or 4 is better, you can learn more about a person in a longer period of time.

Get to know family and friends while you are there and stay connected with them. It is harder for a larger group of people to keep a fabricated story going, and keep all of the details strait.

I will think about this some more and post again

I guess these arent really red flags but just my advice

Thanks, P

[LovinLiberia 0]

I completely agree with the family thing. You should always have open access to the family. They help give insight into the type of person you are intending to marry.

[totes 0]

Well, I usually think don't do anything online that you wouldn't do in real life. People seem to do wierd things online that I can't imagine they would do if they were standing in real life with the same person.

Don't jump into a relationship too quickly. Take it really slow and take the time to really get to know the person. I took three years before marrying my first husband and two years with this husband. It will be three by the time Bassi is my husband. I don't think you can know a person in less than a year, especially when you don't live very close to each other.

All good points. One thing I cannot stress enough is.... if going to meet a person in another country for the first time, have a back up plan, know someone there you can call if you need assistance, pay attention to your surroundings when there and do not allow yourself to be put in uncomfortable situations. I actually would not even recommend going, especially to Africa, if there is even one single doubt or uncertainty in your mind. Safety can be an issue there in the perfect situation so unless you are 100% certain about this person, I recommend you not go. Everyone has had great suggestions. Contact his/her employer on your own, don't tell him/her you are doing it, check out his/her church and if he/she is a member. Speak to his pastor, his family. Insist that the person get on cam and allow you to meet his/her family and see them on cam. Like someone said... ask the same questions over and over in different variations to see if you get different responses, if he/she continuously has one crisis after another... that is a huge flag. For example, he/she get's robbed, then shortly after, a parent or sibling comes down with a horrible disease, then there's an automobile accident and he/she has been in the hospital (all of these situations he/she requests even if indirectly money or other financial assistance). There is a good chance you are being scammed.

That's all for now, I can think of millions of things, I'll post more later.

hugs,

tess

[4theloveofhenry 8]

This post was excellent and you had some wonderful tips, even some I wish I would have followed in ALL my relationships. The one about not telling too much about yourself is excellent. It goes for the profile as well, for those that may meet on dating sites.

For those already in the relationship I would have to say the number one thing you can do is love and respect yourself. If you love and respect yourself then it will stop you from doing things that go against your core beliefs. If you have been looking for a mate to "share" your life with then make sure that the relationship is 50/50. If your partner is taking, taking, taking but not giving back then communicate the things you want and need from them. If you see that they are not willing to make the changes on your behalf then its decision making time. Is this really what you can see yourself doing forever? Is this amount of love somthing you are willing to accept for some time to come or for that matter forever. There is nothing wrong with calling your partner all the time if YOU want to but if they are not making any effort to call you and are just relying on you to initiate the communication then ask yourself if you are willing to accept this or not. If they need help from you and have a financial bind then there is nothing wrong with helping them, but if they are asking you to take care of them becuase of their "situation" then ask yourself are you able to do that, do you want to enter into a relationship where you are caring for your spouse and they are not able to share the responsibilty, and is your partner really ready to enter into a relationship? If your partner is telling you he/she dosnt have a job or cant get money then ask yourself this, "why are they spending their time at a internet cafe" Shouldnt getting money and taking care of themselves be their first priority especially if they are interested in starting a life and possibly family with someone else. This can be used here at home as well. I know that a person in love will do everything possibly to care for and protect the partner he/she loves, so if you find yourself in a bind and he does not at least offer to try to give you assistance then ask yourself if this person is going to be a selfless lover or a selfish one. If he /she is the latter than ask yourself are you willing to accept that for yourself? If so then do not be angry later on when he/she continues on with the pattern. After all you decided to accept it.

The number one thing I could say to everyone in a new relationship is dont start the relationship out doing things you cannot be happy with in the long run. If you find yourself displeased in the begininning then express that displeasure and see what your parnter is willing to do. Do not make excuses for behavior that you find disturbing and do not accept excuses if the excuse does not feel right. But all in all you cannot blame someone else for choices that you have made. In the end if you choose to accept a certain behavior or behaviors from someone then you must be willing to live with those behaviors and not expect that the person will suddenly change what you have accepted. And if you have expressed a need for change and the person does not at least try then dont base your life on that relationship. Get out! Dont walk down the aisle in hopes that things will change becuase marriage dosnt change things. There is no happily ever after. There is only time, patience, work, understanding, and forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness in a marriage.

[totes 0]

Well, I usually think don't do anything online that you wouldn't do in real life. People seem to do wierd things online that I can't imagine they would do if they were standing in real life with the same person.

Don't jump into a relationship too quickly. Take it really slow and take the time to really get to know the person. I took three years before marrying my first husband and two years with this husband. It will be three by the time Bassi is my husband. I don't think you can know a person in less than a year, especially when you don't live very close to each other.

All good points. One thing I cannot stress enough is.... if going to meet a person in another country for the first time, have a back up plan, know someone there you can call if you need assistance, pay attention to your surroundings when there and do not allow yourself to be put in uncomfortable situations. I actually would not even recommend going, especially to Africa, if there is even one single doubt or uncertainty in your mind. Safety can be an issue there in the perfect situation so unless you are 100% certain about this person, I recommend you not go. Everyone has had great suggestions. Contact his/her employer on your own, don't tell him/her you are doing it, check out his/her church and if he/she is a member. Speak to his pastor, his family. Insist that the person get on cam and allow you to meet his/her family and see them on cam. Like someone said... ask the same questions over and over in different variations to see if you get different responses, if he/she continuously has one crisis after another... that is a huge flag. For example, he/she get's robbed, then shortly after, a parent or sibling comes down with a horrible disease, then there's an automobile accident and he/she has been in the hospital (all of these situations he/she requests even if indirectly money or other financial assistance). There is a good chance you are being scammed.

That's all for now, I can think of millions of things, I'll post more later.

hugs,

tess

One more, lol.... if and when you do go. Pay attention to how he/she reacts to you spending time alone with his/her family members and friends. Does he/she get nervous, does he care if you call them, do you have their numbers so you could call them at any time? Ask questions of his/her family that he/she has already answered to see if you get the same answers.

[LovinLiberia 0]

A woman I met was telling me her scam story. She met a guy online who claimed he was an American guy from New York who had gotten stranded in Africa. They started dating online and he began asking her for money to get back to the US. She ended up dating this guy for over a year online. I asked her if she had talked to him on the phone and she said yes, he had an accent, but he told her it was because he had been raised in Africa as a child and she believed him.

Eventually, she made the trip to Nigeria to help rescue her American man only to meet an African man at the airport. Can you imagine they had been dating all of that time and she had no idea what he looked like? She was walking around looking for a tall, blonde guy only to have a Nigerian man greet her. He explained to her that he had been lying to her out of fear (yeah right). She was initially very upset, but the fool decided to stick with him since he had come clean and she was already stuck in Nigeria. 2 years later, she has left him after he sucked her dry of her money. Talk about ignoring the red flags...

[Kanyiri 0]

LovinLiberia -