Should I leave Him?

[idocare 3]

I'm hoping that your safe, as stated, there are alot of help here in America for an Alien spouse, I wishing you all the best.

[Hamster Mom 0]

I recently got my 10 years greencard. Now my problem is this, me and my husband been married for more than 2 years already but since i been here in the US, my husband has some kind of temper problem. I do love him so much but i guess he is abusive but i really dont know because he always tells me his not abusive. Is it normal that a husband will call his wife different kinds of names such as a #######, a ######...etc...whenever you are fighting? He always calls me different names whenever his mad, he also gets mad when i just cry instead of saying something while he runs his mouth and yells at me. When i make a simple mistake or say some thing that he dont like, it starts the whole fight. i know i can speak english a little better but the fact is im not american, im an asian and i dont expect my english to be perfect but then sometimes on a conversation, i have hard time to explain to him something then he gets mad at me. He also don't give me any money, and since im not working i dont have a single penny on my purse. He do send money to my family overseas every now and then before like the biggest he sent was $90. and he always makes me feel guilty about that, that i should be grateful to him that he send money and he bring me here. he always makes me feel useless...he always blame me for everything. he always say he is always right. There was one time before he pull my hair because we was fighting and he wants to throw me out on the street. and i dont want to go out because i dont have family here, i have nowhere to go. So what he do is he grab my hair and pull it so i would go. he do it a couple of times but i stay in even if im hurt. because im scared to go anywhere outside. he let me sleep outside the house, like on the steps although he wake me up to come up upstairs to bed like 3 am in the morning. My family dont know whats going on with me here, i dont want them to worry about me so i pretend everything is ok. my husband always insult me, like saying i come from a third world country. that im a gold digger, but if i am why is it that i dont have a single penny on my purse? if i want to buy something, i have to ask him but if he dont like what i want to buy then i cant get it because i dont have my own money.he always tells me to leave him but he also always tells me that after i leave him he will call uscis and report me because its a fraud. I honestly dont know what to do, thats the only time he hurt me physically the pulling of my hair. but my problem is he hurts me verbally and emotionally and he thinks its not an abuse. he dont see calling me names, insulting me, yelling at me, screaming on my face, screaming at the top of his lungs so neighbors hear when he calls me a ####### , he dont see that as an abuse. I dont have a job, i dont have money, i have no family here, i feel so alone. My husband is the only man i trusted here but right now, i dont think i could still trust him. And i really dont know what to do. Please someone clear my mind up, am i in an abusive relationship or not? and if i am, will i be deported if i leave him because i feel like im going to die here soon because of all the hurtful things he do and say. Is it my fault that we are financially having a hard time because he has to pay all his money for the uscis process for me? am i being ungrateful because i feel he is abusive? dont i have the right to feel hurt and complain the way he treat me just because he pay everything for my papers? i still love him, thats actually one of the reason i dont have the courage to go away when he tells me to go out of his house coz he dont need me. He said he loves me too, when the fight is over but the thing is it happens over and again, whenever he is not in the mood or we argue, he do the same thing again, calling me names, yelling at me, insulting me and my country just because its a third world country. Its been almost 3 years now but he is still the same way. never change the way he treat me, never give me any money even just 5 bucks for an allowance. He always calls it, its his money, its his car, its his house. sometimes i feel like im just a trash to him. Why he never see he is abusing me verbally? are they going to revoke my greencard if we get divorce. he always tells me that he wants a divorce but he always say after we got our divorce he will make sure my ### got deported to my 3rd world country because of fraud. we been married for almost 3 years and hes the one who wanted the divorce. i dont want a divorce because i dont have a job and any money to start my life over. im scared to start my life over but i also can't take the way he treats me anymore. What should i do?

I am new here. I found this link on another forum as a recomandation to look for processing times concerning citizenship. reading thorough i found liz's post and thought i might help her in some way. An advice in her situation, a better understanding of what she has and needs to do from now on it is vital for her right now.

Liz, i am going to be as straight forward as possible. In situations like this you have to realise that the only thing that can help you is not the people, but the knowledge you gather from people, internet and other sourses. The most important thing is KNOWING what to do in situations like this and KNOWING your RIGHTS. As a green card holder you have RIGHTS. Learn your rights and use them. Whipe the tears and start the reaserch. The compassion you get here it will help you emotionaly but knowing what to do will save you.

1) No matter what your spouse sais he can not deport you or revoke your Green Card.

2) Do you have the bank accounts on both names? If you do, know that it is BOTH your money, no matter who has the job. You can take money out of the bank just as easy as him. You don't need to live out of his pitty. You are his wife and have equal rights to anything he has. If he decides to go crazy and spend them all, he spends them on cars, like you said. Well, car is possesion and possesion is parted in two at divorce. If he gets you in dept at divorce, you can pay after getting a job, two if you have to.

3) You will NOT pay allimony, girl, trust me:). He might have to pay you!

4) Next time he abuses you, CALL THE COPS!!!! It's a right you have and trust me, they don't joke arround in cases of domestic abuse.

5) I don't recomend the shelters. But that is my oppinion, other might say different but i wuld not recommend it UNLESS you've been there and saw with your own eyes what you find. You will be sorrounded by weak, misserable, poor, distressed, confuzed people that will be of no help(moraly) to you. You already are there, don't surround yourself with more of the same. You will fall in depression and desparation more than you are now. You need to find a job ASAP, and look for comunnities in your area where people from your country live. Look online, get in touch with people from your country, ask for help, look for a roomate, find a job and once you get these out of the way, pack your bags, get a restraing order and leave without lookinf back. Let him apply for divorce or do whatever the heck he wants.

6) $90 to your family- that's so cheap! Com'on...you can't seariously say you are thankful for that kind of crums. That is an offense to you and your familly, no matter what country you come from or how poor it is.

7) You love him or you are scared of what's out there and he is the only thing you know? Most times we tend to think that, the bad that we know is better than the good we don't know. We are beeings of habbit. Changes scare us. Dump the fear, test the watters, people you will find outside your marriage are much much better than your husband. Don't be affraid! Please! Think of you, your life, your happyness.

8) Stand up for yourself. That will take him by surprise. Knowing your rights can be a shell against his violence. He thinks your week. Show him you're not! Pick up the phone and call for help. Call the cops, call his parents, tell the neighbours, let the world now! The more you come out the more you will protect yourself from scums like your spouse. He has no right to treat you this way.

You can also look for a job as a nanny. A lot of famillies need live in nannies, they pay you, they feed you, you work for them and live with them.

There are many ways out. Don't stay in this situation no more. Prepare youself with knowledge and reseaerch girl, reaserch. Use the internet, google your questiins, google your rights, google abuse, google friends from your country, google roomates, google jobs, google something, anything! And GET OUT before it gets worse.

I really enjoy reading these kidnd of words.

[Gallowglass 0]

First of all, make sure you have your greencard in your possession. Don't let him have it. Get whatever other ID etc you need. And pack a small bag with personal items. Put this somewhere he won't see it, but easily accessible to you.

Next time he starts, call the police. Don't give any warnings during his rant, don't say "If you don't stop, I'll....". Simply walk over to the phone, lift the receiver and dial 911.

When the police arrive, go with them.

[Skouri 2]

I am sorry if that really happened to you, but Why you was silent all that time before, ohh once you get you 10 green card then you found out he abuse you, i am not here to support abusers but i just want to people to see it from both side, why you do not work? is it typical story like all other immigrant stories ... come on we are all adult !!!

[russian_armenian 4]

My guess, they have never applied for EAD and she never got conditional GC. Since they been married for more than 2 years, she got right away 10GC.

Rachid7, dont be too smart. She wrote for help here. She does not need to create a story since she has a 10GC already. She needs medical treatment from depression too. Her husband is not a wise person. When she came here and felt isolated from her roots, she needed support. But husband is a weak person by himself and unable to give support. So, abuse (from his helplessness too) starter. That is how he handled the situation of depressed wife sitting at home all the time. My guess, his expectations were destroyed too. He took such a responsibilty as bringing a wife here from different culture. She needed help adjusting. If he would be smart, he would see that he does not know how to handle the adjustment to new life and get a professional help. We are just humans. Some of us can handle some situation better than other. But we should be self-critical and admit that this situation we cannot handle and need help/advice from outside.

Looks to me that there is no future in this marriage at this moment. Liz needs to get out and establish herself. She needs to overcome depression. Maybe down the road, they meet again and start all over but on a fair ground then. But know she needs to leave. Husband is not helpfull (he does not understand the issues). She needs to prepare and she can relay only on herself. Sounds like Liz is a smart enough person (she has been patiently waited for GC, her English is very good; so, she ask the questions at the proper time). She will do fine.

I am sorry if that really happened to you, but Why you was silent all that time before, ohh once you get you 10 green card then you found out he abuse you, i am not here to support abusers but i just want to people to see it from both side, why you do not work? is it typical story like all other immigrant stories ... come on we are all adult !!!

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Whether she works or not is really none of our biz folks - Perhaps she is a home maker (and THAT is a lot of effing work), or is just scared to go out and find herself locked out her own home - this is a complicated situation. Abused women are not too keen in going around telling other people what is happening - coming out and talking about it is a HUGE step.

In any case, to the original poster: make sure you take care of yourself and your safety first. Will keep you in our prayers

[morocco4ever 63]

Whether she works or not is really none of our biz folks - Perhaps she is a home maker (and THAT is a lot of effing work), or is just scared to go out and find herself locked out her own home - this is a complicated situation. Abused women are not too keen in going around telling other people what is happening - coming out and talking about it is a HUGE step.

In any case, to the original poster: make sure you take care of yourself and your safety first. Will keep you in our prayers

We are trying to help guide her on how to get some independence and you are going to lecture us on how hard it is to be a home maker? I was a single mother of 4 kids for 15 years, so no lecture needed. That being said, do you think people such as myself weren't scared to go out and do it for ourselves? I know I was, but I also knew that in order to gain independence I had to do it, no matter what.

People like her are in our prayers as well....we are going a step further by guidance. She can't get out by coming to a message board alone, she needs to actually move whether she is afraid or not.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Whether she works or not is really none of our biz folks - Perhaps she is a home maker (and THAT is a lot of effing work), or is just scared to go out and find herself locked out her own home - this is a complicated situation. Abused women are not too keen in going around telling other people what is happening - coming out and talking about it is a HUGE step.

In any case, to the original poster: make sure you take care of yourself and your safety first. Will keep you in our prayers

We are trying to help guide her on how to get some independence and you are going to lecture us on how hard it is to be a home maker? I was a single mother of 4 kids for 15 years, so no lecture needed. That being said, do you think people such as myself weren't scared to go out and do it for ourselves? I know I was, but I also knew that in order to gain independence I had to do it, no matter what.

People like her are in our prayers as well....we are going a step further by guidance. She can't get out by coming to a message board alone, she needs to actually move whether she is afraid or not.

Sister I am not saying anything to you personally, and I know firsthand about leaving abusive relationships, so relax. I have never been a homemaker neither do I want to be a mother, but I have the utmost respect for both of them. I do think that saying "whether she is afraid or not she HAS to do this or that" is quite judgmental, isn't it? Sometimes fear makes one immobile. Many times.

And still: whether she works or not is none of our my business.

Peace, L.

[morocco4ever 63]

Whether she works or not is really none of our biz folks - Perhaps she is a home maker (and THAT is a lot of effing work), or is just scared to go out and find herself locked out her own home - this is a complicated situation. Abused women are not too keen in going around telling other people what is happening - coming out and talking about it is a HUGE step.

In any case, to the original poster: make sure you take care of yourself and your safety first. Will keep you in our prayers

We are trying to help guide her on how to get some independence and you are going to lecture us on how hard it is to be a home maker? I was a single mother of 4 kids for 15 years, so no lecture needed. That being said, do you think people such as myself weren't scared to go out and do it for ourselves? I know I was, but I also knew that in order to gain independence I had to do it, no matter what.

People like her are in our prayers as well....we are going a step further by guidance. She can't get out by coming to a message board alone, she needs to actually move whether she is afraid or not.

Sister I am not saying anything to you personally, and I know firsthand about leaving abusive relationships, so relax. I have never been a homemaker neither do I want to be a mother, but I have the utmost respect for both of them. I do think that saying "whether she is afraid or not she HAS to do this or that" is quite judgmental, isn't it? Sometimes fear makes one immobile. Many times.

And still: whether she works or not is none of our my business.

Peace, L.

Judgemental in what way? This is stating a fact. She either choses to let the situation remain the same or start finding independence. To pat her on the back and say "you'll be fine" is only the first step. Facing your fears is the only way to her next step. I for one want her to know that people have done this before, and not only does she have the ability but she has the right. It takes the strong to help the strong.

Oh and don't worry, I don't it personally, we are all here to help, we just do it in different ways.

[Steven Shirley 0]

I am very sorry you are being treated so badly. I am a professional counselor (website: http://faithandfeelings.org) and I can tell you conclusively that you are definitely being abused. I have read through the comments in the first page and feel you have been given a lot of good advice. I will add just a few things. First, many domestic violence programs define abuse largely in physical terms (hitting, punching, cutting etc) so before you leave (if you choose to do that) make CERTAIN the program you are expecting to help you will do so even though he has not physically harmed you (thank God!) a great deal.

However, please understand that scientific studies show that abuse nearly always gets worse, not better. So even though he is not currently beating you it is very possible that he could start doing that sometime in the future (I have no way of knowing how long that might be). Also, if you choose to leave please understand that at the moment you are in the process of leaving, there is the greatest chance he might turn physically violent, so plan well and plan for your safety, don't just leave with no plan or assistance already set up.

Finally, I do believe (though many other professionals disagree) that abusive men can change. HOWEVER, I have only seen it when the woman takes a very strong stand for herself and basically forces the issue. Example: "I will leave and divorce you if you do not join and complete a domestic violence class by June 1, 2008"...or...after you have already left and if you feel safe to communicate with him (seek professional help to decide that) tell him you will only agree to meet him if he gets help and COMPLETES it!

Under NO circumstances should you EVER believe he has changed until his behavior toward you changes and STAYS changed even while you refuse to give him what he wants (to get back together with you, or be able to stop his treatment because he is "all better now and doesn't need the whole program". the ONLY thing you can rely on for accurate indication of his change is his behavior (his words are meaningless without being followed CONSISITLY by his actions).

here are a few links that might help:

WARNING: make sure he doesn't know you are visiting these sites...it is VERY LIKLY he will get angry if he discovers you have. Delete the history in your we browser and anything else he has the ability to see of which sites you have visited.

Here are a couple for possible help for you if you choose to leave:

http://endabuse.org/programs/immigrant/

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_v..._prevention.htm

Here is one to help yourself understand / educate yourself about abuse (including verbal)...please read this...you need to know this even if you choose to stay.

http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

Also searching the term "cycle of abuse", "emotional abuse" in any of the major search engines should give you a lot of helpful information.

Finally, here is a link for a program I HIGHLY recommend for your husband if he ever decides he will get help to stop abusing you. I have been through it personally 2 times and have seen others and experienced changes in myself. but he MUST be serious and totally COMPLETE it...AND....STOP abusing you CONSISTNTLY. Just going to "please you" will not make him change....he must truly WANT to change and be willing to do the things they ask him to do.

http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/

You are in my prayers.....It is so hard for me to imagine a man treating someone like you that way. I was married for 12 years and though I made many mistakes, I honestly tried and did everything I knew to do to develop a good relationship with my EX wife. but in the process I put up with lots of criticism and indifference which hurt me very deeply....now that I am with Shirley, who treat me SOO well, I pray to God to help me always love her the very best way possible. She is my Princess, an amazing gift from God, and I would die for her....incidentally, given her legal complications....I have sent a few $1000 to her and still she is not with me yet (July or August!!). I have made a commitment to her to support her boys if they wish to come here, and I know she occasionally will need to send money to her family, also I am planning for her to have enough money to go visit her family 1 a year every year in the Phil. I am not rich so I may not be able to go with her every time but unless we have a major financial disaster, I will spend that money every year because she needs that and I love her.....I say all this only to show you a little of how a man SHOULD treat you....I feel deeply for you but YOU ARE BEING ABUSED! HE IS WRONG not you for a few minor mistakes....your honest mistakes DO NOT give him the right to treat you that way.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

are they going to revoke my greencard if we get divorce. he always tells me that he wants a divorce but he always say after we got our divorce he will make sure my ### got deported to my 3rd world country because of fraud. we been married for almost 3 years and hes the one who wanted the divorce. i dont want a divorce because i dont have a job and any money to start my life over. im scared to start my life over but i also can't take the way he treats me anymore. What should i do?

Lets say that they do (which they wont!) Is this life with him better than going back home? Like everyone else said.. this is clearly abuse. It will only escalate and become more dangerous. The longer you stay in the situation the worse you will feel. PLEASE get some help. You will be amazed by the resources for abused women in every city across this country.

Im so sorry that this has happened to you. Please protect yourself and leave!

take care of yourself

[Skouri 2]

My guess, they have never applied for EAD and she never got conditional GC. Since they been married for more than 2 years, she got right away 10GC.

Rachid7, dont be too smart. She wrote for help here. She does not need to create a story since she has a 10GC already. She needs medical treatment from depression too. Her husband is not a wise person. When she came here and felt isolated from her roots, she needed support. But husband is a weak person by himself and unable to give support. So, abuse (from his helplessness too) starter. That is how he handled the situation of depressed wife sitting at home all the time. My guess, his expectations were destroyed too. He took such a responsibilty as bringing a wife here from different culture. She needed help adjusting. If he would be smart, he would see that he does not know how to handle the adjustment to new life and get a professional help. We are just humans. Some of us can handle some situation better than other. But we should be self-critical and admit that this situation we cannot handle and need help/advice from outside.

Looks to me that there is no future in this marriage at this moment. Liz needs to get out and establish herself. She needs to overcome depression. Maybe down the road, they meet again and start all over but on a fair ground then. But know she needs to leave. Husband is not helpfull (he does not understand the issues). She needs to prepare and she can relay only on herself. Sounds like Liz is a smart enough person (she has been patiently waited for GC, her English is very good; so, she ask the questions at the proper time). She will do fine.

I am sorry if that really happened to you, but Why you was silent all that time before, ohh once you get you 10 green card then you found out he abuse you, i am not here to support abusers but i just want to people to see it from both side, why you do not work? is it typical story like all other immigrant stories ... come on we are all adult !!!

I am agree with you, but really the only reason why i wrote that, just do not understand if she really was suffering with him for almost 2 yrs, why she just got up now and decide to speak she could leave him from the first night when abuse her, she could call the cops and i am sure they will be there for her, so i am sure the only reason for waiting is the settle her situation and wait for the 10 yrs GC. may be i am wrong may be someone wrong, but no one will know the truth, cause we do not hear from the both.

[bhajishah 4]

You got the 10 yr card so now would be the pprop time to complain. Go to shelter and get welfare move to neighborhood in california youwill be JUST fine

[russian_armenian 4]

She might be a timid person. My guess, she was abused from the begingng but decided to wait for GC and probably had hopes that situation with husband will change. She rightly assumed that GC is her ticket to better life (work, etc). I guess, she is a smart person and understand everything-just very depressed and need somebody to help her started. From what she writes I feed that their family had a chance at the start. But at first misunderstandings, she went into depression and stupid husband into abuse. He brought her here for support in the first place. But turned out that he needed to give support. Made him mad and abusive. I feel sorry. I am sure once she gets some strength to act, she will be very very fine. Her life is empty, so creates fears to fill the gap. Once she get some action, all fears will vanish.

Liz, I wish you the best. Just do anything. Write here about your progress. Share. It might help.

My guess, they have never applied for EAD and she never got conditional GC. Since they been married for more than 2 years, she got right away 10GC.

Rachid7, dont be too smart. She wrote for help here. She does not need to create a story since she has a 10GC already. She needs medical treatment from depression too. Her husband is not a wise person. When she came here and felt isolated from her roots, she needed support. But husband is a weak person by himself and unable to give support. So, abuse (from his helplessness too) starter. That is how he handled the situation of depressed wife sitting at home all the time. My guess, his expectations were destroyed too. He took such a responsibilty as bringing a wife here from different culture. She needed help adjusting. If he would be smart, he would see that he does not know how to handle the adjustment to new life and get a professional help. We are just humans. Some of us can handle some situation better than other. But we should be self-critical and admit that this situation we cannot handle and need help/advice from outside.

Looks to me that there is no future in this marriage at this moment. Liz needs to get out and establish herself. She needs to overcome depression. Maybe down the road, they meet again and start all over but on a fair ground then. But know she needs to leave. Husband is not helpfull (he does not understand the issues). She needs to prepare and she can relay only on herself. Sounds like Liz is a smart enough person (she has been patiently waited for GC, her English is very good; so, she ask the questions at the proper time). She will do fine.

I am sorry if that really happened to you, but Why you was silent all that time before, ohh once you get you 10 green card then you found out he abuse you, i am not here to support abusers but i just want to people to see it from both side, why you do not work? is it typical story like all other immigrant stories ... come on we are all adult !!!

I am agree with you, but really the only reason why i wrote that, just do not understand if she really was suffering with him for almost 2 yrs, why she just got up now and decide to speak she could leave him from the first night when abuse her, she could call the cops and i am sure they will be there for her, so i am sure the only reason for waiting is the settle her situation and wait for the 10 yrs GC. may be i am wrong may be someone wrong, but no one will know the truth, cause we do not hear from the both.

[liz111 0]

Im back, sorry i was quiet the whole time but the reason is i finally decided to do things my own way. Im back here in my own country. My family send me money to buy the ticket so i could flew back home and they are helping me overcome all the pain i suffered from my abusive husband. Right now im still healing but gratfeful for my family to help me start my whole life back to number one. The reason it took so long before i finally believe my husband does abuse me is that he never really hurt me physically except for that one time he pulled my hair. I was thinking before that him calling me names, screaming at me...etc...is not at all an abuse. But i was wrong, it was after all verbal abuse. You cannot tell a wife who loves her husband to call the cops right away even if the husband is actually abusing her. If you trully love your husband, you cannot leave him just right away. some even took many many years before they finally decide to leave and call the cops. In my case i did love him so much, and i was thinking he was just on stress because of all the fees and stress on my immigration process. and i was thinking that when i finally got my greencard and immigration process is over then it iwll be less stress and everything will be good already and that he will change. But thats not the case, because even after the whole immigration process, he is still treating me bad. And yes, i decide to forget about my greencard and just leave and go back to my own country. Maybe this is my fate, and im not meant to be in the USA after all. I go back home with nothing, not a single dollar...basically right now i am just depending on my relatives and parents who are helping me cope up with life. So to those people who was thinking about a scam just because i never call the cops right away, you are all wrong. and if i hear the same thing happen where the wife took so long to file a complaint against their abusive husband, i wouldnt doubt them because i know if you love a person you are willing to suffer as long as you can. So right now, im healing and hopefully will be over this pain soon. i dont think i will be able to keep checking on replies here since i dont have a computer here. So goodluck to everyone and have a nice life.