Should I leave Him?

[milaca 0]

I only read the first five lines of the OP... No, it's not normal... It's abnormal, sick and definitely abusive... Girl, run away!!!

[carpe diem 2]

Why don't you have a job? It not only gives you some cash in your pocket so he can't use that over your head, but it can show you what life in the US is suppose to be like, and give you some independence.

Is there any way you can go to visit family for a long time? This could give him some time to think about it for awhile. Although personally I would never expect an abuser to change.

I dont have a job because we just got my greencard though its permanent already, we never applied for ead or ap. So we just recently applied for ssn after i got my greencard. I really want to work, i could find a job since i also graduated BS Computer Technology but my husband seem to think that this is all what im waiting for, to be able to work because after all he said im a gold digger. My god, i only want to work because i been stuck in this house for almost 2 years now and its not wrong to want to work especially when he keeps blaming me for a not financially stable life. Thats why even if he dont give me any money, i never really complain to him because i believe what he said that this is all my fault. Because he pay all his money to the uscis. Oh by the way, it still keep on going, him calling me names, just a minute ago before he go to work, him calling me dumb and that's one reason i totally lose confidence of myself. I dont believe i have courage to really face the world alone because he took all the confidence i had before. I should hate him but i still love him. He thinks he is the victim here and i am not and that i should just be grateful for what he did to me. It seems to him, i should repay everything he did for me even if it means i have to just believe in everything he said or any names he calls me. That i dont have any right to complain on the way he treated me just because he brought me here. Thanks for all the advises, im really scared to leave him. Im scared that people will be laughing at me because of a failed marriage, im scared about a lot of things. But i really appreciate all the advises. thank you

Ok, I know it's not much but let me try to make you feel a little bit better about three things. First, your written English is excellent, much better than that of many immigrants who have succeeded here. It will only get better, especially if you start working, try to read the newspaper every day, read books in English, etc. Second, please don't believe your husband when he says you're dumb-- not that a university degree necessarily equals intelligence but there are a lot of folks out there, myself included, who could never get a BS in computer technology. Third, you may mean you're afraid of the reactions in your home country which I cannot comment on, but here in the US, if people would laugh at those who had a failed marriage, there would be a lot more laughing going on (and you'd be in a huge crowd of folks that are being lauged at). As far as I can see there's very little stigma attached to being divorced in most communities.

Please get the help you need and take good care of yourself.

[raymaga 25]

You need to leave this man right now. Call one of the numbers other posters have given you and break free from this horrible person. He does not deserve you and you are worth way more than this.

There are all kinds of organizations that will help you get on your feet to an independent life here in the U.S. You need to find a place to live, get a job, and start a new life for yourself.

Down the road, after you have established yourself, you will find someone to share your life with who treats you with respect and loves you unconditionally.

Best wishes to you and please get all the strength you have to do what is best for YOU!!!!

[ammike 0]

DONT JUST LEAVE HIM DARLING BUT RUN!!!

I recently got my 10 years greencard. Now my problem is this, me and my husband been married for more than 2 years already but since i been here in the US, my husband has some kind of temper problem. I do love him so much but i guess he is abusive but i really dont know because he always tells me his not abusive. Is it normal that a husband will call his wife different kinds of names such as a #######, a ######...etc...whenever you are fighting? He always calls me different names whenever his mad, he also gets mad when i just cry instead of saying something while he runs his mouth and yells at me. When i make a simple mistake or say some thing that he dont like, it starts the whole fight. i know i can speak english a little better but the fact is im not american, im an asian and i dont expect my english to be perfect but then sometimes on a conversation, i have hard time to explain to him something then he gets mad at me. He also don't give me any money, and since im not working i dont have a single penny on my purse. He do send money to my family overseas every now and then before like the biggest he sent was $90. and he always makes me feel guilty about that, that i should be grateful to him that he send money and he bring me here. he always makes me feel useless...he always blame me for everything. he always say he is always right. There was one time before he pull my hair because we was fighting and he wants to throw me out on the street. and i dont want to go out because i dont have family here, i have nowhere to go. So what he do is he grab my hair and pull it so i would go. he do it a couple of times but i stay in even if im hurt. because im scared to go anywhere outside. he let me sleep outside the house, like on the steps although he wake me up to come up upstairs to bed like 3 am in the morning. My family dont know whats going on with me here, i dont want them to worry about me so i pretend everything is ok. my husband always insult me, like saying i come from a third world country. that im a gold digger, but if i am why is it that i dont have a single penny on my purse? if i want to buy something, i have to ask him but if he dont like what i want to buy then i cant get it because i dont have my own money.he always tells me to leave him but he also always tells me that after i leave him he will call uscis and report me because its a fraud. I honestly dont know what to do, thats the only time he hurt me physically the pulling of my hair. but my problem is he hurts me verbally and emotionally and he thinks its not an abuse. he dont see calling me names, insulting me, yelling at me, screaming on my face, screaming at the top of his lungs so neighbors hear when he calls me a ####### , he dont see that as an abuse. I dont have a job, i dont have money, i have no family here, i feel so alone. My husband is the only man i trusted here but right now, i dont think i could still trust him. And i really dont know what to do. Please someone clear my mind up, am i in an abusive relationship or not? and if i am, will i be deported if i leave him because i feel like im going to die here soon because of all the hurtful things he do and say. Is it my fault that we are financially having a hard time because he has to pay all his money for the uscis process for me? am i being ungrateful because i feel he is abusive? dont i have the right to feel hurt and complain the way he treat me just because he pay everything for my papers? i still love him, thats actually one of the reason i dont have the courage to go away when he tells me to go out of his house coz he dont need me. He said he loves me too, when the fight is over but the thing is it happens over and again, whenever he is not in the mood or we argue, he do the same thing again, calling me names, yelling at me, insulting me and my country just because its a third world country. Its been almost 3 years now but he is still the same way. never change the way he treat me, never give me any money even just 5 bucks for an allowance. He always calls it, its his money, its his car, its his house. sometimes i feel like im just a trash to him. Why he never see he is abusing me verbally? are they going to revoke my greencard if we get divorce. he always tells me that he wants a divorce but he always say after we got our divorce he will make sure my ### got deported to my 3rd world country because of fraud. we been married for almost 3 years and hes the one who wanted the divorce. i dont want a divorce because i dont have a job and any money to start my life over. im scared to start my life over but i also can't take the way he treats me anymore. What should i do?

[Leafgal 3]

Do not let him threaten and intimidate you. Look around your area and see if you have a shelter just in case even if you don't want to go there, just know if there is one and where it is.

[sara..... 371]

run dont walk run fast........if u need a place to go let me know there are laws against what he is doing..........someone that is like that when the yelling and hair pulling is not enough start hitting ........

[Nutty 2]

You are being abused!!!!!!!! Mistreated!!!!

There is no excuse for name calling, pulling hair and all the things your husband says to you!

Be sure....your husband is using threats of "turning you in" or "getting you kicked out of USA" to have power over you. But he is LYING!!!!

You went into marriage honestly with love and intention to live with this man all your life. That is all that counts.

You must go to a battered women's shelter to get away from this man. They will protect you.

After you are inside the women's shelter, get INFOPASS to speak to Immigration officer and explain what is happening. You will not be kicked out of the country if they know your situation. And you will not be forced to live with him either. You can adjust status and stay in USA without your husband's help if you show you are being abused.

What country are you from?

My reason for asking: After you find women's shelter and report the physical/mental abuse to USCIS, then it will help if you find people from your own country here in USA. Maybe they can find a room for you and work possibly.

But it is MOST IMPORTANT to find a woman's shelter to escape this man and then report the abuse to USCIS.

Don't be fooled by him changing mood and becoming nice. Men who act like this are two faced!!!!! And when he thinks he has your trust and control over you, he will start this bad behavior again.

Best of luck,

Tina

[Nutty 2]

PS...you have your ten year greencard, so you are not CONDITIONAL anymore. You are PERMANENT green card. So he can not get you kicked out of country.

Call any church or religious group in your area to find out if they know of battered woman's shelter.

I do worry for you.

A friend of mine was in same situation as you....it kept getting worse until he tried to kill her.

I am sorry, but you are not in a safe situation.

[Nutty 2]

Dear Morroforever:

People who are abusers often CONTROL or TRY TO CONTROL everything the victim does. Where they go, who they see, what they do....

The fact that Liz does not have a job may be because her husband wants TOTAL CONTROL over her and to isolate her.

[ziia 9]

I recently got my 10 years greencard. Now my problem is this, me and my husband been married for more than 2 years already but since i been here in the US, my husband has some kind of temper problem. I do love him so much but i guess he is abusive but i really dont know because he always tells me his not abusive. Is it normal that a husband will call his wife different kinds of names such as a #######, a ######...etc...whenever you are fighting? He always calls me different names whenever his mad, he also gets mad when i just cry instead of saying something while he runs his mouth and yells at me. When i make a simple mistake or say some thing that he dont like, it starts the whole fight. i know i can speak english a little better but the fact is im not american, im an asian and i dont expect my english to be perfect but then sometimes on a conversation, i have hard time to explain to him something then he gets mad at me. He also don't give me any money, and since im not working i dont have a single penny on my purse. He do send money to my family overseas every now and then before like the biggest he sent was $90. and he always makes me feel guilty about that, that i should be grateful to him that he send money and he bring me here. he always makes me feel useless...he always blame me for everything. he always say he is always right. There was one time before he pull my hair because we was fighting and he wants to throw me out on the street. and i dont want to go out because i dont have family here, i have nowhere to go. So what he do is he grab my hair and pull it so i would go. he do it a couple of times but i stay in even if im hurt. because im scared to go anywhere outside. he let me sleep outside the house, like on the steps although he wake me up to come up upstairs to bed like 3 am in the morning. My family dont know whats going on with me here, i dont want them to worry about me so i pretend everything is ok. my husband always insult me, like saying i come from a third world country. that im a gold digger, but if i am why is it that i dont have a single penny on my purse? if i want to buy something, i have to ask him but if he dont like what i want to buy then i cant get it because i dont have my own money.he always tells me to leave him but he also always tells me that after i leave him he will call uscis and report me because its a fraud. I honestly dont know what to do, thats the only time he hurt me physically the pulling of my hair. but my problem is he hurts me verbally and emotionally and he thinks its not an abuse. he dont see calling me names, insulting me, yelling at me, screaming on my face, screaming at the top of his lungs so neighbors hear when he calls me a ####### , he dont see that as an abuse. I dont have a job, i dont have money, i have no family here, i feel so alone. My husband is the only man i trusted here but right now, i dont think i could still trust him. And i really dont know what to do. Please someone clear my mind up, am i in an abusive relationship or not? and if i am, will i be deported if i leave him because i feel like im going to die here soon because of all the hurtful things he do and say. Is it my fault that we are financially having a hard time because he has to pay all his money for the uscis process for me? am i being ungrateful because i feel he is abusive? dont i have the right to feel hurt and complain the way he treat me just because he pay everything for my papers? i still love him, thats actually one of the reason i dont have the courage to go away when he tells me to go out of his house coz he dont need me. He said he loves me too, when the fight is over but the thing is it happens over and again, whenever he is not in the mood or we argue, he do the same thing again, calling me names, yelling at me, insulting me and my country just because its a third world country. Its been almost 3 years now but he is still the same way. never change the way he treat me, never give me any money even just 5 bucks for an allowance. He always calls it, its his money, its his car, its his house. sometimes i feel like im just a trash to him. Why he never see he is abusing me verbally? are they going to revoke my greencard if we get divorce. he always tells me that he wants a divorce but he always say after we got our divorce he will make sure my ### got deported to my 3rd world country because of fraud. we been married for almost 3 years and hes the one who wanted the divorce. i dont want a divorce because i dont have a job and any money to start my life over. im scared to start my life over but i also can't take the way he treats me anymore. What should i do?

I am new here. I found this link on another forum as a recomandation to look for processing times concerning citizenship. reading thorough i found liz's post and thought i might help her in some way. An advice in her situation, a better understanding of what she has and needs to do from now on it is vital for her right now.

Liz, i am going to be as straight forward as possible. In situations like this you have to realise that the only thing that can help you is not the people, but the knowledge you gather from people, internet and other sourses. The most important thing is KNOWING what to do in situations like this and KNOWING your RIGHTS. As a green card holder you have RIGHTS. Learn your rights and use them. Whipe the tears and start the reaserch. The compassion you get here it will help you emotionaly but knowing what to do will save you.

1) No matter what your spouse sais he can not deport you or revoke your Green Card.

2) Do you have the bank accounts on both names? If you do, know that it is BOTH your money, no matter who has the job. You can take money out of the bank just as easy as him. You don't need to live out of his pitty. You are his wife and have equal rights to anything he has. If he decides to go crazy and spend them all, he spends them on cars, like you said. Well, car is possesion and possesion is parted in two at divorce. If he gets you in dept at divorce, you can pay after getting a job, two if you have to.

3) You will NOT pay allimony, girl, trust me:). He might have to pay you!

4) Next time he abuses you, CALL THE COPS!!!! It's a right you have and trust me, they don't joke arround in cases of domestic abuse.

5) I don't recomend the shelters. But that is my oppinion, other might say different but i wuld not recommend it UNLESS you've been there and saw with your own eyes what you find. You will be sorrounded by weak, misserable, poor, distressed, confuzed people that will be of no help(moraly) to you. You already are there, don't surround yourself with more of the same. You will fall in depression and desparation more than you are now. You need to find a job ASAP, and look for comunnities in your area where people from your country live. Look online, get in touch with people from your country, ask for help, look for a roomate, find a job and once you get these out of the way, pack your bags, get a restraing order and leave without lookinf back. Let him apply for divorce or do whatever the heck he wants.

6) $90 to your family- that's so cheap! Com'on...you can't seariously say you are thankful for that kind of crums. That is an offense to you and your familly, no matter what country you come from or how poor it is.

7) You love him or you are scared of what's out there and he is the only thing you know? Most times we tend to think that, the bad that we know is better than the good we don't know. We are beeings of habbit. Changes scare us. Dump the fear, test the watters, people you will find outside your marriage are much much better than your husband. Don't be affraid! Please! Think of you, your life, your happyness.

8) Stand up for yourself. That will take him by surprise. Knowing your rights can be a shell against his violence. He thinks your week. Show him you're not! Pick up the phone and call for help. Call the cops, call his parents, tell the neighbours, let the world now! The more you come out the more you will protect yourself from scums like your spouse. He has no right to treat you this way.

You can also look for a job as a nanny. A lot of famillies need live in nannies, they pay you, they feed you, you work for them and live with them.

There are many ways out. Don't stay in this situation no more. Prepare youself with knowledge and reseaerch girl, reaserch. Use the internet, google your questiins, google your rights, google abuse, google friends from your country, google roomates, google jobs, google something, anything! And GET OUT before it gets worse.

[Tsup2 0]

Can you tell us what state your are in? Perhaps someone at VJ can personally assist you if they are in your local area. God bless.

[russian_armenian 4]

Ziia gives a great advice!!! Shelters are good only in a case of physical abuse (still beter to call 911 and make a trip with police to court and get instant protection; so, the abuser would have to stay somewhere else). When he starts yelling with names etc, just call 911-let police come; even if he is done yelling already. You will be surprised how police officer would handle it and will see a changed husband right away. But remember, abusers never quit abusing. Dont hope that some day you will not make some mistake and he will stop abusing. He is living the moment and will fined a new way to abuse. Good for you that he is not that much physically abusing (my girlfriend was bitten almost weekly and very badly but still kept saying that she loved him and that it was her mistake; at the end, he left her-my guess, he got afraid that he would kill her some day because his bitting got stronger and stronger or maybe because finally she called 911 and he got 2 years probation; by the way, she was at home all the time and always afraid how she can live without him since she did not have income; familiar?/) Now the girlfriend is dovorced and happy and without problem with CIS. By the way, call to police and future record that you have called will go a long way in allimony battle/immigration. Take all money from joint bank account and open a new one under your name only and keep money there. Make copies of all documents/statements in the house; you might need it for citizenship/divorce procedures. Serch for a job. Your English is very good, cant believe that you are here only for 2 years. You will be much better without this abuser.

I recently got my 10 years greencard. Now my problem is this, me and my husband been married for more than 2 years already but since i been here in the US, my husband has some kind of temper problem. I do love him so much but i guess he is abusive but i really dont know because he always tells me his not abusive. Is it normal that a husband will call his wife different kinds of names such as a #######, a ######...etc...whenever you are fighting? He always calls me different names whenever his mad, he also gets mad when i just cry instead of saying something while he runs his mouth and yells at me. When i make a simple mistake or say some thing that he dont like, it starts the whole fight. i know i can speak english a little better but the fact is im not american, im an asian and i dont expect my english to be perfect but then sometimes on a conversation, i have hard time to explain to him something then he gets mad at me. He also don't give me any money, and since im not working i dont have a single penny on my purse. He do send money to my family overseas every now and then before like the biggest he sent was $90. and he always makes me feel guilty about that, that i should be grateful to him that he send money and he bring me here. he always makes me feel useless...he always blame me for everything. he always say he is always right. There was one time before he pull my hair because we was fighting and he wants to throw me out on the street. and i dont want to go out because i dont have family here, i have nowhere to go. So what he do is he grab my hair and pull it so i would go. he do it a couple of times but i stay in even if im hurt. because im scared to go anywhere outside. he let me sleep outside the house, like on the steps although he wake me up to come up upstairs to bed like 3 am in the morning. My family dont know whats going on with me here, i dont want them to worry about me so i pretend everything is ok. my husband always insult me, like saying i come from a third world country. that im a gold digger, but if i am why is it that i dont have a single penny on my purse? if i want to buy something, i have to ask him but if he dont like what i want to buy then i cant get it because i dont have my own money.he always tells me to leave him but he also always tells me that after i leave him he will call uscis and report me because its a fraud. I honestly dont know what to do, thats the only time he hurt me physically the pulling of my hair. but my problem is he hurts me verbally and emotionally and he thinks its not an abuse. he dont see calling me names, insulting me, yelling at me, screaming on my face, screaming at the top of his lungs so neighbors hear when he calls me a ####### , he dont see that as an abuse. I dont have a job, i dont have money, i have no family here, i feel so alone. My husband is the only man i trusted here but right now, i dont think i could still trust him. And i really dont know what to do. Please someone clear my mind up, am i in an abusive relationship or not? and if i am, will i be deported if i leave him because i feel like im going to die here soon because of all the hurtful things he do and say. Is it my fault that we are financially having a hard time because he has to pay all his money for the uscis process for me? am i being ungrateful because i feel he is abusive? dont i have the right to feel hurt and complain the way he treat me just because he pay everything for my papers? i still love him, thats actually one of the reason i dont have the courage to go away when he tells me to go out of his house coz he dont need me. He said he loves me too, when the fight is over but the thing is it happens over and again, whenever he is not in the mood or we argue, he do the same thing again, calling me names, yelling at me, insulting me and my country just because its a third world country. Its been almost 3 years now but he is still the same way. never change the way he treat me, never give me any money even just 5 bucks for an allowance. He always calls it, its his money, its his car, its his house. sometimes i feel like im just a trash to him. Why he never see he is abusing me verbally? are they going to revoke my greencard if we get divorce. he always tells me that he wants a divorce but he always say after we got our divorce he will make sure my ### got deported to my 3rd world country because of fraud. we been married for almost 3 years and hes the one who wanted the divorce. i dont want a divorce because i dont have a job and any money to start my life over. im scared to start my life over but i also can't take the way he treats me anymore. What should i do?

I am new here. I found this link on another forum as a recomandation to look for processing times concerning citizenship. reading thorough i found liz's post and thought i might help her in some way. An advice in her situation, a better understanding of what she has and needs to do from now on it is vital for her right now.

Liz, i am going to be as straight forward as possible. In situations like this you have to realise that the only thing that can help you is not the people, but the knowledge you gather from people, internet and other sourses. The most important thing is KNOWING what to do in situations like this and KNOWING your RIGHTS. As a green card holder you have RIGHTS. Learn your rights and use them. Whipe the tears and start the reaserch. The compassion you get here it will help you emotionaly but knowing what to do will save you.

1) No matter what your spouse sais he can not deport you or revoke your Green Card.

2) Do you have the bank accounts on both names? If you do, know that it is BOTH your money, no matter who has the job. You can take money out of the bank just as easy as him. You don't need to live out of his pitty. You are his wife and have equal rights to anything he has. If he decides to go crazy and spend them all, he spends them on cars, like you said. Well, car is possesion and possesion is parted in two at divorce. If he gets you in dept at divorce, you can pay after getting a job, two if you have to.

3) You will NOT pay allimony, girl, trust me:). He might have to pay you!

4) Next time he abuses you, CALL THE COPS!!!! It's a right you have and trust me, they don't joke arround in cases of domestic abuse.

5) I don't recomend the shelters. But that is my oppinion, other might say different but i wuld not recommend it UNLESS you've been there and saw with your own eyes what you find. You will be sorrounded by weak, misserable, poor, distressed, confuzed people that will be of no help(moraly) to you. You already are there, don't surround yourself with more of the same. You will fall in depression and desparation more than you are now. You need to find a job ASAP, and look for comunnities in your area where people from your country live. Look online, get in touch with people from your country, ask for help, look for a roomate, find a job and once you get these out of the way, pack your bags, get a restraing order and leave without lookinf back. Let him apply for divorce or do whatever the heck he wants.

6) $90 to your family- that's so cheap! Com'on...you can't seariously say you are thankful for that kind of crums. That is an offense to you and your familly, no matter what country you come from or how poor it is.

7) You love him or you are scared of what's out there and he is the only thing you know? Most times we tend to think that, the bad that we know is better than the good we don't know. We are beeings of habbit. Changes scare us. Dump the fear, test the watters, people you will find outside your marriage are much much better than your husband. Don't be affraid! Please! Think of you, your life, your happyness.

8) Stand up for yourself. That will take him by surprise. Knowing your rights can be a shell against his violence. He thinks your week. Show him you're not! Pick up the phone and call for help. Call the cops, call his parents, tell the neighbours, let the world now! The more you come out the more you will protect yourself from scums like your spouse. He has no right to treat you this way.

You can also look for a job as a nanny. A lot of famillies need live in nannies, they pay you, they feed you, you work for them and live with them.

There are many ways out. Don't stay in this situation no more. Prepare youself with knowledge and reseaerch girl, reaserch. Use the internet, google your questiins, google your rights, google abuse, google friends from your country, google roomates, google jobs, google something, anything! And GET OUT before it gets worse.

[jeffcloe 0]

I am not good on giving advices but I would really want to give information where you can find help, hopefully this could help you:

www.ywca.org and number is (202) 467-0801 that's the main office in DC but maybe you can visit the website for you find YWCA office near your location. This women's organization have been helping multicultural abused women worldwide and I think it has been mentioned already here...

Sometimes we don't just follow what our heart says, often times we have to think for the best... For sure God has a better plans for you, just pray and God will guide you through this...

[SeiChii 1]

wew... run away girl its not worth it to live with this monster.... call the police and get him arrested. if he wants divorce fine. go ahead i know there someone out there who will love you and respect you. u better think for you self for this kind of situation right now. im afraid it will end up of killing you.

try to find a job

you need to be strong.

i know u can make it just dont forget to pray. god is always with us. i know he will guide you.... please do take care of your self..... i will pray for u .. godbless

[mrsartis 10]

Hi Liz,

Thank you for speaking up.. My husband to be same with my aunt and they handle such cases. We can help you seek help..the question is.. i hope you are ready to ask for help.. because that would mean a lot.. i emailed my husband to be (fiancE) about your case and is now doing something about it..

We need your cooperation about this.. you are not alone.. and dont forget to pray dear.,. hang on ok?