cheap boyfriend

[Dr. Obvious 49]

We're talking apples and oranges. She's not in America, she's in the DR. My fiance is not in America, he's in west africa. Why should they be expected to conform to our perception of "normal".

Because they are applying for an immigrant visa to our country? Hello, when I moved to Germany, damn straight I learned fast how to speak German, how to conform to things I felt were annoying like saying your name when you answered the phone, got used to rude employees at the grocery store, etc. I was in their country. I had to conform to them, not the other way around. When you fight it, you are just making things harder on yourself.

[*JG* 2]

just my opinion hope none gets upset..........i believe that almost anyone that is engaged or married to someone that is still in a third world country understands that some support is required in most cases.......in my case im lucky because perviz works and earns pretty good for india but in most instances it is not that way........u need to talk to him and tell him how u feel........if u can not talk to him about these things then how will u talk about issues later in the relationship?

I do not know you or him so really it is not fair for me to give my opinion in this issue but ........if it is bothering u then u need to talk to him about it.

I think that is complete BS.

I agree wholeheartedly. Getting engaged to a US citizen isn't like winning the lottery. Poor country or not, they were getting by before. You get engaged to a US citizen and all of a sudden your cost of living doubles? Coincidence? I'm going to go out on a limb and say F-U-C-K NO!!!!!

I'm just playing devil's advocate here because I really don't know the OPs situation (neither do you), but where precisely did the OP say she wanting her daily living expenses paid? And why isn't anyone addressing that the boyfriend already previously agreed to help her out, with whatever it was she needed, so he must have been okay with the idea at some point, and now he has broken his promise? Of course this is based on what the OP is saying because we don't have his side to hear.

I think most people are turned off by the use of the term "cheap" to describe her significant other..and THAT I can understand.

I need to hear from him to actually believe what he said and how much he intended to "help her out".

Yes, the way she said it made me angry. Probably that has to do with my own situation.....knowing the guilt and harrassment you put up with when you say you can't help someone, the words and wild stories they use, the constant phone calls..........This puts my own spin on how negative her post started. Her calling him cheap and how she said it made me flash back to things I have seen and heard. Maybe she doesn't have those intentions behind her word. If that is the case, I apologize for coming off strongly. If, however, those are the intentions behind your words, I will just step away so I don't get booted off the board for saying what I am thinking.

[amiquechu 0]

We're talking apples and oranges. She's not in America, she's in the DR. My fiance is not in America, he's in west africa. Why should they be expected to conform to our perception of "normal".

Great. If your fiance doesn't want to adapt to his surroundings once he gets here, that's his decision. If he wants to limit himself to associating with people like him, he's closing himself off to a lot of opportunity here in the US. If someone shuts his/herself off to their community because he/she doesn't like the way they do things, their community won't give a flying f*#% about that person.

Wacken hit the nail on the head.

[warriorprincess 0]

How to deal with a cheap boyfriend?

Kick his sorry a** to the curb

[Peikko 1,575]

Where do you get off telling anyone they aren't prepared to adapt and conform just because they use words differently to you? Not everyone always understand the same words to mean the same thing at the best of times and yet you dare to suggest that this person isn't welcome in the US because they don't differentiate between fiance and boyfriend to your satisfaction? Nuts I say, nuts.

[Scott & Lai 12]

1. At this point, you shouldn't have a boyfriend; you should have a fiance.

What's the difference? A fiance is just a fancy name for a serious boyfriend.

I would disagree with that. A fiance(e) is someone with whom you have a definite commitment to marry, i.e. you're engaged. And what you can expect from each other, including financially, is definitely different.

That's really relatively recent, that's probably why there is no english word for it. In my fiance's language there is girlfriend and wife. That's it. He's been practicing using the word fiancee for the interview to please the CO. It's sad how we make other cultures conform really.

I definitely believe that there is a different expectation for financially assisting an SO from a poorer country and I also find that it varies based on gender. If you even look on this site alone, many of the men sponsoring filipinas send them and/or their families money. It's an expectation. Less so for male SOs. My husband is from a poor country, but he's a very proud man. I don't think he would take money from me unless it was an emergency. However, the costs for the visa process have been my responsibility because of the difference in income. His expenses are, in fact, higher than before our relationship because daily contact and regular communications, cards, gifts across the ocean costs money. If he needed money or asked me for money, I wouldn't hesitate to send him what I could. I think that the best course would be for the original poster to speak directly with her fiance and explain how she's feeling and what she's thinking and ask that they talk about a financial agreement so that they have the same expectations. Once the expectations are the same, then she can clearly evaluate if he isn't doing what he said he would do. It's really important to talk about these important issues sooner in the relationship so that it doesn't cause significant problems down the line. But don't attack....calling him cheap sounds like an attack and attacking blocks communication.

I was specifically responding to what Mawilson said, so was referring to the differences between the two English words. Certainly other cultures have different terminology to reflect different kinds of commitments. My point is what expectations are appropriate for a given level of commitment. In your husband's culture, does not a "wife" have a right to expect more from her man than a "girlfriend" would?

I was pointing out that fiance/fiancee is not an english word. A girlfriend and a wife have different meanings yes, but a girlfriend and a fiance doesn't NEED to be differentiated. A girlfriend you've been dating for 6 months may also have a different meaning than a girlfriend you've been dating for 6 years. Should we incorporate a German word to identify those differences? Well, we've decided it's not so important right now. In 100 years, our descendants may disagree. So what difference should it make what they call each other except to them specifically?

It isn't?? Ok, granted it comes from Middle French, but it has been in use in English for far longer than anyone today has been alive, so I'd think it now counts as an English word. But that still doesn't answer my question.

[amiquechu 0]

Where do you get off telling anyone they aren't prepared to adapt and conform just because they use words differently to you? Not everyone always understand the same words to mean the same thing at the best of times and yet you dare to suggest that this person isn't welcome in the US because they don't differentiate between fiance and boyfriend to your satisfaction? Nuts I say, nuts.

That's not what I said. It was inferred that Americans are unkind for making people adapt in general. When someone moves to a different culture, it would be in their best interest to adapt if that person is interested in being a part of the community. If you don't think this is true, you're living in a PC fantasy world. It's not my opinion, it's the way people are.

If you want to make it so easy on immigrants, why not make it a requirement for every high school student to be fluent in 20 languages as a requirement to graduate? Why not force everyone to learn the culture of every other country in the world? It would be nice if everyone knew everything about everywhere in the world...but that's not the case and it never will be. A person who immigrates to a different country and culture can either deal with it or be left in the dust. It doesn't bother me either way if they do or don't. I personally would bust my a$$ to adapt to the culture in Peru if my wife and I were to some day move there.

Edited May 30, 2008 by Erika's husband

[Peikko 1,575]

Talk about extrapolating into never never land. It is quite clear what I said, making a mountain out of the fact that the OP doesn't call her SO her fiance is nuts.

You can read into that whatever you like into your 'conform or bust' theory. Enjoy.

[amiquechu 0]

Talk about extrapolating into never never land. It is quite clear what I said, making a mountain out of the fact that the OP doesn't call her SO her fiance is nuts.

You can read into that whatever you like into your 'conform or bust' theory. Enjoy.

You're right. It would be nuts to think someone wouldn't be welcome somewhere because they didn't differentiate between boyfriend and fiance.

Theory? OK.

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

Talk about extrapolating into never never land. It is quite clear what I said, making a mountain out of the fact that the OP doesn't call her SO her fiance is nuts.

You can read into that whatever you like into your 'conform or bust' theory. Enjoy.

You're right. It would be nuts to think someone wouldn't be welcome somewhere because they didn't differentiate between boyfriend and fiance.

Theory? OK.

i wonder what k visa that would be, the boyfriend or girlfriend visa?

[Dr. Obvious 49]

Where do you get off telling anyone they aren't prepared to adapt and conform just because they use words differently to you? Not everyone always understand the same words to mean the same thing at the best of times and yet you dare to suggest that this person isn't welcome in the US because they don't differentiate between fiance and boyfriend to your satisfaction? Nuts I say, nuts.

LOL, you obviously didn't read what one poster said twice...

That's really relatively recent, that's probably why there is no english word for it. In my fiance's language there is girlfriend and wife. That's it. He's been practicing using the word fiancee for the interview to please the CO. It's sad how we make other cultures conform really.

We're talking apples and oranges. She's not in America, she's in the DR. My fiance is not in America, he's in west africa. Why should they be expected to conform to our perception of "normal".

This isn't just about the word fiance or that would have been specified. The poster appears to believe that being asked to use this word is part of some kind of assault on his culture by ours and the need to conform for immigration purposes is a kind of bane.

Edited May 30, 2008 by Wacken

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

We're talking apples and oranges. She's not in America, she's in the DR. My fiance is not in America, he's in west africa. Why should they be expected to conform to our perception of "normal".

Great. If your fiance doesn't want to adapt to his surroundings once he gets here, that's his decision. If he wants to limit himself to associating with people like him, he's closing himself off to a lot of opportunity here in the US. If someone shuts his/herself off to their community because he/she doesn't like the way they do things, their community won't give a flying f*#% about that person.

Wacken hit the nail on the head.

What are you talking about?

What indicates that my fiance "doesn't want to adapt to his surroundings"? I don't believe that the fact that my fiance grew up in another country and while living in that country uses the colloquialisms of that country indicates an unwillingness to "adapt to his surroundings once he gets here". Don't respond to what you "think" I mean, respond to what I write in my posts. Thank you.

Where do you get off telling anyone they aren't prepared to adapt and conform just because they use words differently to you? Not everyone always understand the same words to mean the same thing at the best of times and yet you dare to suggest that this person isn't welcome in the US because they don't differentiate between fiance and boyfriend to your satisfaction? Nuts I say, nuts.

1. At this point, you shouldn't have a boyfriend; you should have a fiance.

What's the difference? A fiance is just a fancy name for a serious boyfriend.

I would disagree with that. A fiance(e) is someone with whom you have a definite commitment to marry, i.e. you're engaged. And what you can expect from each other, including financially, is definitely different.

That's really relatively recent, that's probably why there is no english word for it. In my fiance's language there is girlfriend and wife. That's it. He's been practicing using the word fiancee for the interview to please the CO. It's sad how we make other cultures conform really.

I definitely believe that there is a different expectation for financially assisting an SO from a poorer country and I also find that it varies based on gender. If you even look on this site alone, many of the men sponsoring filipinas send them and/or their families money. It's an expectation. Less so for male SOs. My husband is from a poor country, but he's a very proud man. I don't think he would take money from me unless it was an emergency. However, the costs for the visa process have been my responsibility because of the difference in income. His expenses are, in fact, higher than before our relationship because daily contact and regular communications, cards, gifts across the ocean costs money. If he needed money or asked me for money, I wouldn't hesitate to send him what I could. I think that the best course would be for the original poster to speak directly with her fiance and explain how she's feeling and what she's thinking and ask that they talk about a financial agreement so that they have the same expectations. Once the expectations are the same, then she can clearly evaluate if he isn't doing what he said he would do. It's really important to talk about these important issues sooner in the relationship so that it doesn't cause significant problems down the line. But don't attack....calling him cheap sounds like an attack and attacking blocks communication.

I was specifically responding to what Mawilson said, so was referring to the differences between the two English words. Certainly other cultures have different terminology to reflect different kinds of commitments. My point is what expectations are appropriate for a given level of commitment. In your husband's culture, does not a "wife" have a right to expect more from her man than a "girlfriend" would?

I was pointing out that fiance/fiancee is not an english word. A girlfriend and a wife have different meanings yes, but a girlfriend and a fiance doesn't NEED to be differentiated. A girlfriend you've been dating for 6 months may also have a different meaning than a girlfriend you've been dating for 6 years. Should we incorporate a German word to identify those differences? Well, we've decided it's not so important right now. In 100 years, our descendants may disagree. So what difference should it make what they call each other except to them specifically?

It isn't?? Ok, granted it comes from Middle French, but it has been in use in English for far longer than anyone today has been alive, so I'd think it now counts as an English word. But that still doesn't answer my question.

I did answer your question. Read beyond the first sentence.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Where do you get off telling anyone they aren't prepared to adapt and conform just because they use words differently to you? Not everyone always understand the same words to mean the same thing at the best of times and yet you dare to suggest that this person isn't welcome in the US because they don't differentiate between fiance and boyfriend to your satisfaction? Nuts I say, nuts.

That's not what I said. It was inferred that Americans are unkind for making people adapt in general. When someone moves to a different culture, it would be in their best interest to adapt if that person is interested in being a part of the community. If you don't think this is true, you're living in a PC fantasy world. It's not my opinion, it's the way people are.

If you want to make it so easy on immigrants, why not make it a requirement for every high school student to be fluent in 20 languages as a requirement to graduate? Why not force everyone to learn the culture of every other country in the world? It would be nice if everyone knew everything about everywhere in the world...but that's not the case and it never will be. A person who immigrates to a different country and culture can either deal with it or be left in the dust. It doesn't bother me either way if they do or don't. I personally would bust my a$$ to adapt to the culture in Peru if my wife and I were to some day move there.

The inference was made by you. Respond to what I post, not what you think I mean by the words I type. I am not trying to use codes. I actually mean the words I typed.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Where do you get off telling anyone they aren't prepared to adapt and conform just because they use words differently to you? Not everyone always understand the same words to mean the same thing at the best of times and yet you dare to suggest that this person isn't welcome in the US because they don't differentiate between fiance and boyfriend to your satisfaction? Nuts I say, nuts.

LOL, you obviously didn't read what one poster said twice...

That's really relatively recent, that's probably why there is no english word for it. In my fiance's language there is girlfriend and wife. That's it. He's been practicing using the word fiancee for the interview to please the CO. It's sad how we make other cultures conform really.

We're talking apples and oranges. She's not in America, she's in the DR. My fiance is not in America, he's in west africa. Why should they be expected to conform to our perception of "normal".

This isn't just about the word fiance or that would have been specified. The poster appears to believe that being asked to use this word is part of some kind of assault on his culture by ours and the need to conform for immigration purposes is a kind of bane.

Actually, she read what I posted and responded to what I posted. You read what I posted and responded to what you felt I must have meant by what I posted. Thus the discrepancy. Respond to my words and not, your personal interpretation of what I might be meaning.

Expecting a woman, born, raised and currently living in the Dominican Republic to cease using her vernacular language because she hopes to immigrate sometime in the next year (or more, depending on how long it takes) is what I spoke about. Why is it "sinful" for her to say boyfriend, the word she's chosen to use because it doesn't conform to American standards when she's not in America, and she's not an American?

Edited May 31, 2008 by Bassi and Zainab

[Scott & Lai 12]

1. At this point, you shouldn't have a boyfriend; you should have a fiance.

What's the difference? A fiance is just a fancy name for a serious boyfriend.

I would disagree with that. A fiance(e) is someone with whom you have a definite commitment to marry, i.e. you're engaged. And what you can expect from each other, including financially, is definitely different.

That's really relatively recent, that's probably why there is no english word for it. In my fiance's language there is girlfriend and wife. That's it. He's been practicing using the word fiancee for the interview to please the CO. It's sad how we make other cultures conform really.

I definitely believe that there is a different expectation for financially assisting an SO from a poorer country and I also find that it varies based on gender. If you even look on this site alone, many of the men sponsoring filipinas send them and/or their families money. It's an expectation. Less so for male SOs. My husband is from a poor country, but he's a very proud man. I don't think he would take money from me unless it was an emergency. However, the costs for the visa process have been my responsibility because of the difference in income. His expenses are, in fact, higher than before our relationship because daily contact and regular communications, cards, gifts across the ocean costs money. If he needed money or asked me for money, I wouldn't hesitate to send him what I could. I think that the best course would be for the original poster to speak directly with her fiance and explain how she's feeling and what she's thinking and ask that they talk about a financial agreement so that they have the same expectations. Once the expectations are the same, then she can clearly evaluate if he isn't doing what he said he would do. It's really important to talk about these important issues sooner in the relationship so that it doesn't cause significant problems down the line. But don't attack....calling him cheap sounds like an attack and attacking blocks communication.

I was specifically responding to what Mawilson said, so was referring to the differences between the two English words. Certainly other cultures have different terminology to reflect different kinds of commitments. My point is what expectations are appropriate for a given level of commitment. In your husband's culture, does not a "wife" have a right to expect more from her man than a "girlfriend" would?

I was pointing out that fiance/fiancee is not an english word. A girlfriend and a wife have different meanings yes, but a girlfriend and a fiance doesn't NEED to be differentiated. A girlfriend you've been dating for 6 months may also have a different meaning than a girlfriend you've been dating for 6 years. Should we incorporate a German word to identify those differences? Well, we've decided it's not so important right now. In 100 years, our descendants may disagree. So what difference should it make what they call each other except to them specifically?

It isn't?? Ok, granted it comes from Middle French, but it has been in use in English for far longer than anyone today has been alive, so I'd think it now counts as an English word. But that still doesn't answer my question.

I did answer your question. Read beyond the first sentence.

You answered this question? "In your husband's culture, does not a "wife" have a right to expect more from her man than a "girlfriend" would?"