cheap boyfriend

[tom&tata 2]

just my opinion hope none gets upset..........i believe that almost anyone that is engaged or married to someone that is still in a third world country understands that some support is required in most cases.......in my case im lucky because perviz works and earns pretty good for india but in most instances it is not that way........u need to talk to him and tell him how u feel........if u can not talk to him about these things then how will u talk about issues later in the relationship?

I do not know you or him so really it is not fair for me to give my opinion in this issue but ........if it is bothering u then u need to talk to him about it.

I think that is complete BS.

I agree wholeheartedly. Getting engaged to a US citizen isn't like winning the lottery. Poor country or not, they were getting by before. You get engaged to a US citizen and all of a sudden your cost of living doubles? Coincidence? I'm going to go out on a limb and say F-U-C-K NO!!!!!

The first few posts from OP says it is related to visa fee - this part doubles because she has a son included in the petition. The visa fee is expensive.

[TBoneTX 46,262]

Yeah, but they don't want to help the OP, they want to express their disgust.

That's the challenging part of this thread: avoiding assumptions or jumping at conclusions while still trying to help.

The OP defined her novio as "cheap," which -- although accurate or an unfair characterization or in between -- indicates a perception that they could resolve through communication. Without knowing further details, I perceive a lack of communication about finances/expectations, and also perhaps two individuals proceeding along their respective "cultural conditionings."

[Peikko 1,575]

TBone, I agree with you although quite honestly, I really don't think it is a problem if people do want to express their disgust, about whatever they think is 'disgusting'.

However, to the OP, I would say "take all the posts that 'judge' your relationship with a large pinch of salt."

Edited May 30, 2008 by Purple_Hibiscus

[Scott & Lai 12]

1. At this point, you shouldn't have a boyfriend; you should have a fiance.

What's the difference? A fiance is just a fancy name for a serious boyfriend.

I would disagree with that. A fiance(e) is someone with whom you have a definite commitment to marry, i.e. you're engaged. And what you can expect from each other, including financially, is definitely different.

[Peikko 1,575]

Scott&Lai, that is your personal definition of boyfriend/fiance. It is not necessarily universallly applicable.

[TBoneTX 46,262]

TBone, I agree with you although quite honestly, I really don't think it is a problem if people do want to express their disgust, about whatever they think is 'disgusting'.

However, to the OP, I would say "take all the posts that 'judge' your relationship with a large pinch of salt."

1. True (First Amendment, and all that), although some restraint in favor of civility woiuld be nice in some cases.

2. Si, man!

Scott&Lai, that is your personal definition of boyfriend/fiance. It is not necessarily universallly applicable.

Right, and again it comes back to communication of desires, goals, realities, and expectations.

[000 0]

I do think that helping with the visa fees is something that should happen. Saying I want to marry you but i will need you to pay for your visa process would be a pretty good sign that the person is a selfish one and a good sign to run at that point. There is huge diference between cheap and having money problems and just plan selfish. The gas thing, well gas is going up everywhere and the last time i went to see my wife in Brazil the gas there was $7.41 in December of 2007, this is a cost that has always been high there and has nothing to do with anything, his gas has gone up just as much. 4 months ago my gas was $28 to fill up my gas tank, now it cost me 41-42 dollars. If the reason of the post was to see if other women here feel they should get an allowance then I believe there should be no sympathy at all, if it is infact that you have humanitarian needs that require some assistance or that he is not helping you in the visa process then indeed I feel bad for you and you should rethink what your life will be with someone who does not care to help you in anything. That would be a sure sign of lack of emotional ties.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

1. At this point, you shouldn't have a boyfriend; you should have a fiance.

What's the difference? A fiance is just a fancy name for a serious boyfriend.

I would disagree with that. A fiance(e) is someone with whom you have a definite commitment to marry, i.e. you're engaged. And what you can expect from each other, including financially, is definitely different.

That's really relatively recent, that's probably why there is no english word for it. In my fiance's language there is girlfriend and wife. That's it. He's been practicing using the word fiancee for the interview to please the CO. It's sad how we make other cultures conform really.

I definitely believe that there is a different expectation for financially assisting an SO from a poorer country and I also find that it varies based on gender. If you even look on this site alone, many of the men sponsoring filipinas send them and/or their families money. It's an expectation. Less so for male SOs. My husband is from a poor country, but he's a very proud man. I don't think he would take money from me unless it was an emergency. However, the costs for the visa process have been my responsibility because of the difference in income. His expenses are, in fact, higher than before our relationship because daily contact and regular communications, cards, gifts across the ocean costs money. If he needed money or asked me for money, I wouldn't hesitate to send him what I could. I think that the best course would be for the original poster to speak directly with her fiance and explain how she's feeling and what she's thinking and ask that they talk about a financial agreement so that they have the same expectations. Once the expectations are the same, then she can clearly evaluate if he isn't doing what he said he would do. It's really important to talk about these important issues sooner in the relationship so that it doesn't cause significant problems down the line. But don't attack....calling him cheap sounds like an attack and attacking blocks communication.

[Sister Fracas 5]

1. At this point, you shouldn't have a boyfriend; you should have a fiance.

What's the difference? A fiance is just a fancy name for a serious boyfriend.

I would disagree with that. A fiance(e) is someone with whom you have a definite commitment to marry, i.e. you're engaged. And what you can expect from each other, including financially, is definitely different.

That's really relatively recent, that's probably why there is no english word for it. In my fiance's language there is girlfriend and wife. That's it. He's been practicing using the word fiancee for the interview to please the CO. It's sad how we make other cultures conform really.

I definitely believe that there is a different expectation for financially assisting an SO from a poorer country and I also find that it varies based on gender. If you even look on this site alone, many of the men sponsoring filipinas send them and/or their families money. It's an expectation. Less so for male SOs. My husband is from a poor country, but he's a very proud man. I don't think he would take money from me unless it was an emergency. However, the costs for the visa process have been my responsibility because of the difference in income. His expenses are, in fact, higher than before our relationship because daily contact and regular communications, cards, gifts across the ocean costs money. If he needed money or asked me for money, I wouldn't hesitate to send him what I could. I think that the best course would be for the original poster to speak directly with her fiance and explain how she's feeling and what she's thinking and ask that they talk about a financial agreement so that they have the same expectations. Once the expectations are the same, then she can clearly evaluate if he isn't doing what he said he would do. It's really important to talk about these important issues sooner in the relationship so that it doesn't cause significant problems down the line. But don't attack....calling him cheap sounds like an attack and attacking blocks communication.

excellent post!

[Scott & Lai 12]

1. At this point, you shouldn't have a boyfriend; you should have a fiance.

What's the difference? A fiance is just a fancy name for a serious boyfriend.

I would disagree with that. A fiance(e) is someone with whom you have a definite commitment to marry, i.e. you're engaged. And what you can expect from each other, including financially, is definitely different.

That's really relatively recent, that's probably why there is no english word for it. In my fiance's language there is girlfriend and wife. That's it. He's been practicing using the word fiancee for the interview to please the CO. It's sad how we make other cultures conform really.

I definitely believe that there is a different expectation for financially assisting an SO from a poorer country and I also find that it varies based on gender. If you even look on this site alone, many of the men sponsoring filipinas send them and/or their families money. It's an expectation. Less so for male SOs. My husband is from a poor country, but he's a very proud man. I don't think he would take money from me unless it was an emergency. However, the costs for the visa process have been my responsibility because of the difference in income. His expenses are, in fact, higher than before our relationship because daily contact and regular communications, cards, gifts across the ocean costs money. If he needed money or asked me for money, I wouldn't hesitate to send him what I could. I think that the best course would be for the original poster to speak directly with her fiance and explain how she's feeling and what she's thinking and ask that they talk about a financial agreement so that they have the same expectations. Once the expectations are the same, then she can clearly evaluate if he isn't doing what he said he would do. It's really important to talk about these important issues sooner in the relationship so that it doesn't cause significant problems down the line. But don't attack....calling him cheap sounds like an attack and attacking blocks communication.

I was specifically responding to what Mawilson said, so was referring to the differences between the two English words. Certainly other cultures have different terminology to reflect different kinds of commitments. My point is what expectations are appropriate for a given level of commitment. In your husband's culture, does not a "wife" have a right to expect more from her man than a "girlfriend" would?

[amiquechu 0]

1. At this point, you shouldn't have a boyfriend; you should have a fiance.

What's the difference? A fiance is just a fancy name for a serious boyfriend.

I would disagree with that. A fiance(e) is someone with whom you have a definite commitment to marry, i.e. you're engaged. And what you can expect from each other, including financially, is definitely different.

That's really relatively recent, that's probably why there is no english word for it. In my fiance's language there is girlfriend and wife. That's it. He's been practicing using the word fiancee for the interview to please the CO. It's sad how we make other cultures conform really.

I definitely believe that there is a different expectation for financially assisting an SO from a poorer country and I also find that it varies based on gender. If you even look on this site alone, many of the men sponsoring filipinas send them and/or their families money. It's an expectation. Less so for male SOs. My husband is from a poor country, but he's a very proud man. I don't think he would take money from me unless it was an emergency. However, the costs for the visa process have been my responsibility because of the difference in income. His expenses are, in fact, higher than before our relationship because daily contact and regular communications, cards, gifts across the ocean costs money. If he needed money or asked me for money, I wouldn't hesitate to send him what I could. I think that the best course would be for the original poster to speak directly with her fiance and explain how she's feeling and what she's thinking and ask that they talk about a financial agreement so that they have the same expectations. Once the expectations are the same, then she can clearly evaluate if he isn't doing what he said he would do. It's really important to talk about these important issues sooner in the relationship so that it doesn't cause significant problems down the line. But don't attack....calling him cheap sounds like an attack and attacking blocks communication.

Very well said. The impression I got is that, by callling him cheap, she was attacking him and more or less being a gold digger. I may be wrong, but it's the way I've interpreted what she's said.

However, I don't agree with "It's sad how we make other cultures conform really." If you want to fit in, you adapt. Most of us in VJ have had to adapt to our spouses' cultures to win them and their families over. Our spouses, if they want to fit in with American society, need to adapt. It would be a complete waste of time to try to get hundreds of millions of people to change the way they've done things all their lives just to accomodate a few million immigrants. It would be nice if it could work out that way, but sociologically (is that a word?) speaking it would be impossible. You either learn to adapt to the culture and make friends, work, go out, etc......or you sit at home all day doing absolutely nothing.

[jom 4]

1. At this point, you shouldn't have a boyfriend; you should have a fiance.

What's the difference? A fiance is just a fancy name for a serious boyfriend.

I would disagree with that. A fiance(e) is someone with whom you have a definite commitment to marry, i.e. you're engaged. And what you can expect from each other, including financially, is definitely different.

That's really relatively recent, that's probably why there is no english word for it. In my fiance's language there is girlfriend and wife. That's it. He's been practicing using the word fiancee for the interview to please the CO. It's sad how we make other cultures conform really.

I definitely believe that there is a different expectation for financially assisting an SO from a poorer country and I also find that it varies based on gender. If you even look on this site alone, many of the men sponsoring filipinas send them and/or their families money. It's an expectation. Less so for male SOs. My husband is from a poor country, but he's a very proud man. I don't think he would take money from me unless it was an emergency. However, the costs for the visa process have been my responsibility because of the difference in income. His expenses are, in fact, higher than before our relationship because daily contact and regular communications, cards, gifts across the ocean costs money. If he needed money or asked me for money, I wouldn't hesitate to send him what I could. I think that the best course would be for the original poster to speak directly with her fiance and explain how she's feeling and what she's thinking and ask that they talk about a financial agreement so that they have the same expectations. Once the expectations are the same, then she can clearly evaluate if he isn't doing what he said he would do. It's really important to talk about these important issues sooner in the relationship so that it doesn't cause significant problems down the line. But don't attack....calling him cheap sounds like an attack and attacking blocks communication.

It is not . My now wife and her family has more money than me but I agreed to pay for all expenses related to the visa processing because I wanted her to be here. She left a very lucrative profession back in the Philippines. From the start of our relationship until now, I only sent money to the Philippines for her visa processing.

Her father was just admitted in the hospital and I thought of sending money to the Philippines but my wife is clear . . .they have more than us and don't need it.

I know that most Filipinas send money back for their families but it is not an obligation nor an expectation. It is up to the USC if he will help or not.

I agree with your other statements though that the OP should talk to her fiance/bf. For one I believe that if the BF wants to bring her and her son here, he should at least spend for the visa processing. To me though, calling the BF "cheap" is somewhat disturbing.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

1. At this point, you shouldn't have a boyfriend; you should have a fiance.

What's the difference? A fiance is just a fancy name for a serious boyfriend.

I would disagree with that. A fiance(e) is someone with whom you have a definite commitment to marry, i.e. you're engaged. And what you can expect from each other, including financially, is definitely different.

That's really relatively recent, that's probably why there is no english word for it. In my fiance's language there is girlfriend and wife. That's it. He's been practicing using the word fiancee for the interview to please the CO. It's sad how we make other cultures conform really.

I definitely believe that there is a different expectation for financially assisting an SO from a poorer country and I also find that it varies based on gender. If you even look on this site alone, many of the men sponsoring filipinas send them and/or their families money. It's an expectation. Less so for male SOs. My husband is from a poor country, but he's a very proud man. I don't think he would take money from me unless it was an emergency. However, the costs for the visa process have been my responsibility because of the difference in income. His expenses are, in fact, higher than before our relationship because daily contact and regular communications, cards, gifts across the ocean costs money. If he needed money or asked me for money, I wouldn't hesitate to send him what I could. I think that the best course would be for the original poster to speak directly with her fiance and explain how she's feeling and what she's thinking and ask that they talk about a financial agreement so that they have the same expectations. Once the expectations are the same, then she can clearly evaluate if he isn't doing what he said he would do. It's really important to talk about these important issues sooner in the relationship so that it doesn't cause significant problems down the line. But don't attack....calling him cheap sounds like an attack and attacking blocks communication.

It is not . My now wife and her family has more money than me but I agreed to pay for all expenses related to the visa processing because I wanted her to be here. She left a very lucrative profession back in the Philippines. From the start of our relationship until now, I only sent money to the Philippines for her visa processing.

Her father was just admitted in the hospital and I thought of sending money to the Philippines but my wife is clear . . .they have more than us and don't need it.

I know that most Filipinas send money back for their families but it is not an obligation nor an expectation. It is up to the USC if he will help or not.

I agree with your other statements though that the OP should talk to her fiance/bf. For one I believe that if the BF wants to bring her and her son here, he should at least spend for the visa processing. To me though, calling the BF "cheap" is somewhat disturbing.

In terms of your specific situation, you're not the majority. If you did a poll on VJ, you'd be in the minority. If you did a poll outside of VJ, you'd be one of a stark minority. Like I said, there is a different expectation, and the resulting actions support that.

1. At this point, you shouldn't have a boyfriend; you should have a fiance.

What's the difference? A fiance is just a fancy name for a serious boyfriend.

I would disagree with that. A fiance(e) is someone with whom you have a definite commitment to marry, i.e. you're engaged. And what you can expect from each other, including financially, is definitely different.

That's really relatively recent, that's probably why there is no english word for it. In my fiance's language there is girlfriend and wife. That's it. He's been practicing using the word fiancee for the interview to please the CO. It's sad how we make other cultures conform really.

I definitely believe that there is a different expectation for financially assisting an SO from a poorer country and I also find that it varies based on gender. If you even look on this site alone, many of the men sponsoring filipinas send them and/or their families money. It's an expectation. Less so for male SOs. My husband is from a poor country, but he's a very proud man. I don't think he would take money from me unless it was an emergency. However, the costs for the visa process have been my responsibility because of the difference in income. His expenses are, in fact, higher than before our relationship because daily contact and regular communications, cards, gifts across the ocean costs money. If he needed money or asked me for money, I wouldn't hesitate to send him what I could. I think that the best course would be for the original poster to speak directly with her fiance and explain how she's feeling and what she's thinking and ask that they talk about a financial agreement so that they have the same expectations. Once the expectations are the same, then she can clearly evaluate if he isn't doing what he said he would do. It's really important to talk about these important issues sooner in the relationship so that it doesn't cause significant problems down the line. But don't attack....calling him cheap sounds like an attack and attacking blocks communication.

Very well said. The impression I got is that, by callling him cheap, she was attacking him and more or less being a gold digger. I may be wrong, but it's the way I've interpreted what she's said.

However, I don't agree with "It's sad how we make other cultures conform really." If you want to fit in, you adapt. Most of us in VJ have had to adapt to our spouses' cultures to win them and their families over. Our spouses, if they want to fit in with American society, need to adapt. It would be a complete waste of time to try to get hundreds of millions of people to change the way they've done things all their lives just to accomodate a few million immigrants. It would be nice if it could work out that way, but sociologically (is that a word?) speaking it would be impossible. You either learn to adapt to the culture and make friends, work, go out, etc......or you sit at home all day doing absolutely nothing.

We're talking apples and oranges. She's not in America, she's in the DR. My fiance is not in America, he's in west africa. Why should they be expected to conform to our perception of "normal".

Edited May 30, 2008 by Bassi and Zainab

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

1. At this point, you shouldn't have a boyfriend; you should have a fiance.

What's the difference? A fiance is just a fancy name for a serious boyfriend.

I would disagree with that. A fiance(e) is someone with whom you have a definite commitment to marry, i.e. you're engaged. And what you can expect from each other, including financially, is definitely different.

That's really relatively recent, that's probably why there is no english word for it. In my fiance's language there is girlfriend and wife. That's it. He's been practicing using the word fiancee for the interview to please the CO. It's sad how we make other cultures conform really.

I definitely believe that there is a different expectation for financially assisting an SO from a poorer country and I also find that it varies based on gender. If you even look on this site alone, many of the men sponsoring filipinas send them and/or their families money. It's an expectation. Less so for male SOs. My husband is from a poor country, but he's a very proud man. I don't think he would take money from me unless it was an emergency. However, the costs for the visa process have been my responsibility because of the difference in income. His expenses are, in fact, higher than before our relationship because daily contact and regular communications, cards, gifts across the ocean costs money. If he needed money or asked me for money, I wouldn't hesitate to send him what I could. I think that the best course would be for the original poster to speak directly with her fiance and explain how she's feeling and what she's thinking and ask that they talk about a financial agreement so that they have the same expectations. Once the expectations are the same, then she can clearly evaluate if he isn't doing what he said he would do. It's really important to talk about these important issues sooner in the relationship so that it doesn't cause significant problems down the line. But don't attack....calling him cheap sounds like an attack and attacking blocks communication.

I was specifically responding to what Mawilson said, so was referring to the differences between the two English words. Certainly other cultures have different terminology to reflect different kinds of commitments. My point is what expectations are appropriate for a given level of commitment. In your husband's culture, does not a "wife" have a right to expect more from her man than a "girlfriend" would?

I was pointing out that fiance/fiancee is not an english word. A girlfriend and a wife have different meanings yes, but a girlfriend and a fiance doesn't NEED to be differentiated. A girlfriend you've been dating for 6 months may also have a different meaning than a girlfriend you've been dating for 6 years. Should we incorporate a German word to identify those differences? Well, we've decided it's not so important right now. In 100 years, our descendants may disagree. So what difference should it make what they call each other except to them specifically?

[*JG* 2]

just my opinion hope none gets upset..........i believe that almost anyone that is engaged or married to someone that is still in a third world country understands that some support is required in most cases.......in my case im lucky because perviz works and earns pretty good for india but in most instances it is not that way........u need to talk to him and tell him how u feel........if u can not talk to him about these things then how will u talk about issues later in the relationship?

I do not know you or him so really it is not fair for me to give my opinion in this issue but ........if it is bothering u then u need to talk to him about it.

I think that is complete BS.

I agree wholeheartedly. Getting engaged to a US citizen isn't like winning the lottery. Poor country or not, they were getting by before. You get engaged to a US citizen and all of a sudden your cost of living doubles? Coincidence? I'm going to go out on a limb and say F-U-C-K NO!!!!!

Pssstttt.....look over here....I am sitting on that limb with you.