Comfort

[bailey402 0]

My husband and I had a close problem to what Clairern is having. I guess thats why and what got me to this topic.

I dont know what I can add my gal Marlita cover it well but I will add to the list.

Wish everyone the best!

Thanku

1. Love Making

2. Stay near a Jamaican Community

3. Stock up on things from Jamaica

4. Lots of communication

5. Adjust

6. Take it day to day ( things just to happen over night)

7. Have faith

[*JG* 2]

Claire.....there is nothing easy about this whole process. Sometimes I think they wait and wait and wait out the process, all the while us telling them how great it is going to be, and them doubting they will even be approved. Then, suddenly, it nears the end and they get so scared. Moving to another country is a scary thing. They are leaving behind everything they know.....everyone they are comfortable with. I don't care what age you are, it's scary. We tend to focus on the formalities, so we rarely show fear.

Like Marlita said, it's not like they can't go back to visit or if, God forbid, they hate it.

My husband was ready to come. All his life, his (other) mother was telling him he should go to the US. And, Andre was feeling like he was missing something in JA. He wanted to come. He's done really well. However, the transition was still hard on him and took some time.

BTW....besides trying to adopt Sean Paul, we are not going to have any children together. It's not an issue.

I think you need to talk it out with him. Yes he will have you when he gets here. And, if I remember right, some family. He will get a job and make new friends. If he chooses, he will not lose any of the old. He can still visit. He will have a lot of new opportunities. He can make of them what he wishes. Let him know that you are scared too. And, of course, you will be there to support him every step of the way.

Mindy's husband, Roy, is in his 40's. He's been in the US a little over 2 years. Roy has done really well at adjusting. You might PM or e-mail her. Perhaps she can give you some insight. Maybe Roy could even talk him through some of his feelings.

[Islandwoman 0]

Hey guys, just saw this thread and it grabbed my attention because when I visited Mike in Ja last month, he expressed that he was not sure if he was going back to the embassy this month. He said that a man his age has to pack up from the way of life he has been used to all his life and move to a new country to start his life all over. What do you guys think about this? I was dumbfounded when I heard this because of all the plans we made and what my expections were.

I can only imagine how hard this situation has to be for the person moving here....BUT....I think sometimes people make it seem like they are going away to PRISION instead of just to another country. My husband was this same way once. I tried to be empathetic to the situation and then I became angry cause it was making no REAL sense. He is not coming here with the notion that he can NEVER return back to Jamaica, so what is the big deal. In a sense...I feel like this whole immigration hoopla is just a means to get him to visit here. If he truly hates it, there's no way in hell that we'll stay here. Either we figure out a way to work around his hate or I move there, or we move somewhere else entirely.

I'm not sure how old Mike is, but I can venture to guess he ain't 80 years old so the whole age thing needs not be the excuse. I think he's just scared. Its is a big move but it is not permanent nor is it prison. After going thru all this immigration stuff for years...he owes it to you, his US based fam, and HIMSELF, to at least finish the job and at least step foot on US soil. This of course is my two cents, and it hits home with me, and is just one of those things I have no patience for.

Very well said Lita. My SO is 29 but has expressed the same "fear" (obvioulsy NOT his word) of coming to a new country, so age is definitely just the excuse. But I have said the same thing - if it doesn't work out, there are always flights to JA. This is a beginning, not a ending.

[clairern 0]

Claire.....there is nothing easy about this whole process. Sometimes I think they wait and wait and wait out the process, all the while us telling them how great it is going to be, and them doubting they will even be approved. Then, suddenly, it nears the end and they get so scared. Moving to another country is a scary thing. They are leaving behind everything they know.....everyone they are comfortable with. I don't care what age you are, it's scary. We tend to focus on the formalities, so we rarely show fear.

Like Marlita said, it's not like they can't go back to visit or if, God forbid, they hate it.

My husband was ready to come. All his life, his (other) mother was telling him he should go to the US. And, Andre was feeling like he was missing something in JA. He wanted to come. He's done really well. However, the transition was still hard on him and took some time.

BTW....besides trying to adopt Sean Paul, we are not going to have any children together. It's not an issue.

I think you need to talk it out with him. Yes he will have you when he gets here. And, if I remember right, some family. He will get a job and make new friends. If he chooses, he will not lose any of the old. He can still visit. He will have a lot of new opportunities. He can make of them what he wishes. Let him know that you are scared too. And, of course, you will be there to support him every step of the way.

Mindy's husband, Roy, is in his 40's. He's been in the US a little over 2 years. Roy has done really well at adjusting. You might PM or e-mail her. Perhaps she can give you some insight. Maybe Roy could even talk him through some of his feelings.

Thanks JG for the real great advice. I really appreciate it.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

Hey guys, just saw this thread and it grabbed my attention because when I visited Mike in Ja last month, he expressed that he was not sure if he was going back to the embassy this month. He said that a man his age has to pack up from the way of life he has been used to all his life and move to a new country to start his life all over. What do you guys think about this? I was dumbfounded when I heard this because of all the plans we made and what my expections were.

I can only imagine how hard this situation has to be for the person moving here....BUT....I think sometimes people make it seem like they are going away to PRISION instead of just to another country. My husband was this same way once. I tried to be empathetic to the situation and then I became angry cause it was making no REAL sense. He is not coming here with the notion that he can NEVER return back to Jamaica, so what is the big deal. In a sense...I feel like this whole immigration hoopla is just a means to get him to visit here. If he truly hates it, there's no way in hell that we'll stay here. Either we figure out a way to work around his hate or I move there, or we move somewhere else entirely.

I'm not sure how old Mike is, but I can venture to guess he ain't 80 years old so the whole age thing needs not be the excuse. I think he's just scared. Its is a big move but it is not permanent nor is it prison. After going thru all this immigration stuff for years...he owes it to you, his US based fam, and HIMSELF, to at least finish the job and at least step foot on US soil. This of course is my two cents, and it hits home with me, and is just one of those things I have no patience for.

Very well said Lita. My SO is 29 but has expressed the same "fear" (obvioulsy NOT his word) of coming to a new country, so age is definitely just the excuse. But I have said the same thing - if it doesn't work out, there are always flights to JA. This is a beginning, not a ending.

Island I agree. My SO told me he had no intentions to ever leave Jamaica. I told him when he gets here and if he doesn't like it...I'm 20mins from the airport.

[*JG* 2]

While we are so flippently saying things like it's 20 minutes to the airport, I wanted to add that you need to be very honest about this with him. I, myself, have said such things; but I also added that I would be devestated if he actually chose to go that route. I hear over and over again----while not on the JA threads; but others-----people saying he can go back or I want to send him back, blah, blah, blah----words I cringe when I read. I have always made it very clear to my husband that I never want him to go back, for good I mean.

I honestly believe sometimes that these foreigners, men and women, think if we get into some sort of argument with them, *poof* we have the power to send them back. My cousin made some offhand comment to my husband a while ago, that he could be sent back or something to that effect. All cause she was mad at him. She had me fuming with that comment. Anyhow, I made it very clear that my husband had rights and even if we could not get along, he was free to do whatever he liked wherever he liked.

It's one of those points I don't think our men completely understand for a while and I think that scares them as well. It's like they have lost all control of their own lives for a while. He has rights and he has choices. Neither of them are anything to be afraid of. He has control of his own destiny even if it seems he doesn't for a time.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

While we are so flippently saying things like it's 20 minutes to the airport, I wanted to add that you need to be very honest about this with him. I, myself, have said such things; but I also added that I would be devestated if he actually chose to go that route. I hear over and over again----while not on the JA threads; but others-----people saying he can go back or I want to send him back, blah, blah, blah----words I cringe when I read. I have always made it very clear to my husband that I never want him to go back, for good I mean.

I honestly believe sometimes that these foreigners, men and women, think if we get into some sort of argument with them, *poof* we have the power to send them back. My cousin made some offhand comment to my husband a while ago, that he could be sent back or something to that effect. All cause she was mad at him. She had me fuming with that comment. Anyhow, I made it very clear that my husband had rights and even if we could not get along, he was free to do whatever he liked wherever he liked.

It's one of those points I don't think our men completely understand for a while and I think that scares them as well. It's like they have lost all control of their own lives for a while. He has rights and he has choices. Neither of them are anything to be afraid of. He has control of his own destiny even if it seems he doesn't for a time.

JG --- to be honest I feel the same way. It would hurt me, but if it's not going to work it's just not going to work. It does happen, not too often, but it does happen.

Just got of the phone with DOS and my girlfriend and are you ready for this. I also spoke to her fiance. He was directed to go to airpack after his interview. His visa was sent to Montego Bay on April 28th (no one called him). Because it sat there for so long, it was sent back to Kingston, now he has to make a trip to Kingston to retrieve it. I told my friend she should have called DOS from a long time ago. Don't know if him being a twin had another to do with it him being placed on AP. His brother came up 6 or 8 years ago I can't remember.

I still have decided on the SPOT yet.

[Marlita 0]

While we are so flippently saying things like it's 20 minutes to the airport, I wanted to add that you need to be very honest about this with him. I, myself, have said such things; but I also added that I would be devestated if he actually chose to go that route. I hear over and over again----while not on the JA threads; but others-----people saying he can go back or I want to send him back, blah, blah, blah----words I cringe when I read. I have always made it very clear to my husband that I never want him to go back, for good I mean.

I honestly believe sometimes that these foreigners, men and women, think if we get into some sort of argument with them, *poof* we have the power to send them back. My cousin made some offhand comment to my husband a while ago, that he could be sent back or something to that effect. All cause she was mad at him. She had me fuming with that comment. Anyhow, I made it very clear that my husband had rights and even if we could not get along, he was free to do whatever he liked wherever he liked.

It's one of those points I don't think our men completely understand for a while and I think that scares them as well. It's like they have lost all control of their own lives for a while. He has rights and he has choices. Neither of them are anything to be afraid of. He has control of his own destiny even if it seems he doesn't for a time.

I think thats horrible to say you'll send someone back or want them to go back, like their some sort of property you can do waht you want with. However, I tell my husband if he wants to go back, he can....this does not mean he ain't going with me. it means I am open to the idea that we can go back to Jamaica, if it doesnt work out here. If I started talking all this send you back stuff...well, I dont need to be married. But I just want him to know that just because I am American, it doesnt mean that I can't be the one to "immigrate" we always have the option to live in his country too.

[Marlita 0]

Another thing is if the relationship doesnt work out, I don't think the USC should try to get the ex "sent back". That person is now a resident of this country and if they chose to stay let them. I think its just bitterness and vindictiveness that makes people do this. I completly agree with you JG. They do feel like their life is no longer theirs and that we can do what we want with it. My husband evenmade some comment about the US being catered to women. I was like "WHAT?!" ha!! But this is how he sees it and it scares him. I think that we should comfort our mate be constantly making them feel like an equal and not a subordinate. WOMEN have a hard time doing this. We tend to mother and baby people in general and trust me your man will get fed up with this quick quick. So if you top that attitude off with saying things like "send him back" you are bound to create a riff in your marriage that will be extremeely hard to over come.

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

Another thing is if the relationship doesnt work out, I don't think the USC should try to get the ex "sent back". That person is now a resident of this country and if they chose to stay let them. I think its just bitterness and vindictiveness that makes people do this. I completly agree with you JG. They do feel like their life is no longer theirs and that we can do what we want with it. My husband evenmade some comment about the US being catered to women. I was like "WHAT?!" ha!! But this is how he sees it and it scares him. I think that we should comfort our mate be constantly making them feel like an equal and not a subordinate. WOMEN have a hard time doing this. We tend to mother and baby people in general and trust me your man will get fed up with this quick quick. So if you top that attitude off with saying things like "send him back" you are bound to create a riff in your marriage that will be extremeely hard to over come.

Hi,

Well said and I totally agree with you. I have told my SO, that I would have no problem moving to JA ,if thats what would make our marrige work. I am a strong woman, but I would follow my husband if I need to do it. I hope he looks at our marriage as a partnership, never one sided. Just last night we talked about how we would be going back to JA, after he has arrived here and he has PR. I told him I would have no problem going back on a twice a year basic, if we need to do it. We really want to start a business in JA, and are going to look into doing it.

Roxcie

[bailey402 0]

While we are so flippently saying things like it's 20 minutes to the airport, I wanted to add that you need to be very honest about this with him. I, myself, have said such things; but I also added that I would be devestated if he actually chose to go that route. I hear over and over again----while not on the JA threads; but others-----people saying he can go back or I want to send him back, blah, blah, blah----words I cringe when I read. I have always made it very clear to my husband that I never want him to go back, for good I mean.

I honestly believe sometimes that these foreigners, men and women, think if we get into some sort of argument with them, *poof* we have the power to send them back. My cousin made some offhand comment to my husband a while ago, that he could be sent back or something to that effect. All cause she was mad at him. She had me fuming with that comment. Anyhow, I made it very clear that my husband had rights and even if we could not get along, he was free to do whatever he liked wherever he liked.

It's one of those points I don't think our men completely understand for a while and I think that scares them as well. It's like they have lost all control of their own lives for a while. He has rights and he has choices. Neither of them are anything to be afraid of. He has control of his own destiny even if it seems he doesn't for a time.

Very true. I would be very made at my cousin if she came to my husband with that!

I really dont like to hear people on the vj talk that chap about sending there husbands back and what not. There is to many of us now fight and working so hard to get Are LOVES here with us!

[bailey402 0]

Thanku

1. Love Making

2. Stay near a Jamaican Community

3. Stock up on things from Jamaica

4. Lots of communication

5. Adjust

6. Take it day to day ( things just to happen over night)

7. Have faith

8. Be Honest

9. Let Them Know," There is Na tang to be Affraid of".

10. Make them Feel as a Equal and NOT a Subordinate

[clairern 0]

COMPROMISE, COMPROMISE

[SupportOAFJF 0]

lita talk truth...they r not property...

[clairern 0]

lita talk truth...they r not property...

what r u talking about, Kimmy?