your thoughts

[broma25 2]

This is just my humble opinion and in no way am I advising what you should do.....

But, eventually this guy will cheat and then maybe do you the biggest favour of your life and leave!!

You deserve so much more......If my husband had only told me 3-4 times that he loved me, I am afraid he would no longer be my husband. As for the "he doesnt do feelings" well apparantly he does with other women just not you!

It looks like you are just the caretaker and that is so sad!

I wish you well

[rika60607 215]

How do YOU treat your man? Do you complement him or do you tell him about the areas HE could work on?

Sarcasm and criticism are highly contageous. So it is possible that he responds to you in a negative way simply because you do the same. Yet it does not stop him from being totally nice to other people (because they are not as close and they are nice to him). It does not mean he does not love you or does not plan to be with you for the rest of his life.

Also, if he does not have a weight problem, he may not realize that him mentioning plastic surgery is offensive and hurtful to you. In that case you have to explain it to him very bluntly and then act hurt when you feel hurt by this subject. If he is a good person - he will change.

Good luck

Rika

[JeanneVictoria 55]

I say... send him penile enlargement links in addition to viagra and cialis websites. That will get his attention...

Viva viagra! I have that commercial with they guys singing the viagra saved one on my youtube account...

[Mina76 0]

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about the email. Personally, there was nothing in it that indicated anything more than a friendship to me. Those are all things that I would say to a good friend.

The reason that you are paranoid, and probably should be, is the way he points out your flaws. He is able to compliment this woman, friend or otherwise, with ease. But instead sends you links to plastic surgery websites? Totally not ok, IMHO.

i agree

I'd like to third this.

ditto, but this part would irk me...

If no one has told you this-- its hard to get brains, intelligence and good looks in one person but you have all three.

Remain who you are --- rare, perfect, beautiful and just a good person to know. :-)

While you husband might be totally 100% trustworthy, I'd wanna poke her eyes out.

Ditto, except i'd poke HIS eyes out!!

I'd play safe and poke both of their eyes out! I agree that he shouldn't be messing about with your self esteem in that way...that is so disrespectful.

Agree, very disrespectful!!!

[Heracles 417]

He is a player. That is for sure.

But this does not necessarily mean he is cheating though..

[Kathryn41 3,205]

You mentioned that you are not interested in ending the marriage, but you are unhappy with the way your husband treats you. You say he has told you that he doesn't want an emotional wife - that he turns off if you express any of your emotions. You mentioned that he never compliments you but doesn't hesitate to criticize you. It seems to me that when you don't comply you don't get what you want or need from this marriage, and when you do comply you don't get what you want and need from this marriage. May I ask why you don't want to end this marriage? Do you expect that he is going to change, or do you just hope that he is going to change? Sometimes, even though you love someone, it is not in your best interests to stay with them if they don't love you enough to treat you well. Have you ever asked him why, since he is so unhappy with who you are that he is constantly sending you ways to change who you are, he chose to marry you? Have you ever asked yourself honestly why you chose to marry him or stay with him?

A real relationship takes two people working on it to make it a success. Only one working on it doesn't work - I know, I did that for 9 years. I knew I wasn't happy, especially as I was taken very much for granted the way you are. Finally, I was able to look at the relationship honestly and realize that I stayed because I was afraid I would not find someone else to love me. I also realized that is I stayed I would have to compromise who I am as a person, and it would mean giving up who I am and losing 'me'. I then realized that I would be happier on my own than with him, and that even if I never found anyone ever again in my life, still I would be better off on my own - which I very much was in that relationship anyways. It took a lot of effort and hardship and pain for me to end it, especially as he kept pleading with me to stay, and I kept 'giving him another chance', but no matter how many times he promised to change, he just kept falling back into his old, comfortable patterns. He couldn't change and it was wrong of me to expect it. I think this might be where you are headed.

If your husband can make the effort to be nice and complimentary to others, he can make the same effort to be nice and complimentary to you. You are not his possession to be taken for granted - you are a unique and special person who is deserving of her own happiness. He is not treating you with the respect that you deserve, neither as a person nor, especially, as his wife. Since he knows you have access to his email I think you are fully justified in approaching him with this email and asking him why he is able to give compliments to other friends but doesn't have any to spare for you? You don't need to be emotional about this - it is a legitimate question. You might then want to take a serious look at your relationship based upon his response and decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

Good luck to you.

Edited May 24, 2008 by Kathryn41

[jundp 191]

What would bother me the most is the fact that you can't seem to talk to him about anything. My husband and I talk about anything and everything because if it bothers one of us, it effects the other somehow.

Yes, I thought this was telling...

and when I was upset about it my husband said he doesn't want a sourpuss for a wife and why was I talking about it for the last 5 minutes if I had dealt with it

I can't even imagine my hubster saying something like that. If he thought I was emotionally overreacting to a situation, he'd listen until I was done and then try to make me feel better. You have to be able to rationally listen and empathize and in my opinion, ESPECIALLY when you think the other is overreacting, because at some point we are all going to do it. Generally in those situations, hubster just tries to make me laugh and see the absurdity of it.

I agree. Usually P says "Ach, Schatzi" and then gets me out of mood. And occasionally I need to cool off on my own and he lets me. But he has never given me that kind of attitude. Nor have I to him. Aren't we supposed to be there for each other?

We do talk about a lot of things but he doesn't do "feelings". He is paranoid of having a wife with emotional "issues" so if I so much as display feelings, especially tears or negative emotions he'll ignore it completely and not validate how I feel, even less would he defend how I feel, or come out with a comment like in the recent situation.

Why is she perfect and I'm not? Why is she beautiful and I'm not? I've already had one or more discussions with him about men and he always has made it clear that men are just attracted to women - they can't help themselves - and I do GET that! He has also stated before that given the wrong right opportunity he probably couldn't help but cheat on me. He's a guy.... but my thinking is....why would you contribute to a situation that likely would make that happen?

A couple of things. Why would he have you check his email if there are things like this in there?

Why is he paranoid of having a wife with emotional issues? Did his first wife or his mother have these problems that he is so afraid of?

And as for the "guys are guys" thing. That's utter #######. Maybe some guys are like that. But ####### kind of HUSBAND would say something like that to his wife?

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you this way?

[Fandango 1,440]

My opin is that if you are asking the question, the answer is prolly yes.

I'm sorry

[perfect 39]

Well, after a weekend where he really criticized everything I suggested and did but of course blamed me for being the one with the issues, I finally confronted himn about the emails last night. He didn't really want to talk about it, was suddenly hit with dry mouth syndrome, and looked like a deer caught in the headlights and struggled very insincerely to remember who this girl was! He then explained very feebly that he had been mentoring her for the last 2 years and he said those terms of endearment etc because she suffering from low self-esteem.

His reasoning was that because she knows he is a granddad she wouldn't read them as anything more than innocent and I'm reading too much into his innocent remarks! I pointed out that he has crossed boundaries he shouldn't have and that I will not tolerate it.

Today I have written, although have not yet sent, an email explaining very simply, without trying to be accusatory how he has made me feel and asking him to explain. I also pointed out in my email that it seems very telling that she apparently had been told that he was a grandfather but that surely it would have been more important to let her know that he is married!

Anyway I've basically laid it on the line that he needs to acknowledge the truth and let me know in reality how much I and this marriage mean to him.Is he willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. If not, then I have some decisions to make.

For the poster who assumed I treat him badly - wrong - I tell him I love him practically every day - not just that I do, but why. I tell him he's gorgeous. I remind him of all his great qualities constantly. I nurture and support him in every way possible. Even if I feel negative because of being hurt or upset I'm the one that bites my tongue and keeps the peace - so no - I'm not being treated the way I treat him.

He is so full of BS. Funny - he never even asked how I found out. Yesterday I was upset. Today I'm angry and resolved to do whatever I need to establish the truth so I know what I need ot do next.

[Welshcookie 17]

He is so full of BS. Funny - he never even asked how I found out. Yesterday I was upset. Today I'm angry and resolved to do whatever I need to establish the truth so I know what I need ot do next.

I am very happy to read this sentence

[warriorprincess 0]

I am generally trusting to a fault but equally because of past experiences am sometimes insecure. Unfortunately whilst I adore my husband, sometimes he seems to bring out those insecurities. He is gorgeous and very popular with women - he has that way with him that women just love.

He is not the kind of guy that pays compliments about anything, but is quick to tell me my short-comings or areas that eh thinks I need to work on, i.e. that would help you lose weight and he will send me links for plastic surgery etc.

A woman we both know sent me a very abusive email the other day and when I was upset about it my husband said he doesn't want a sourpuss for a wife and why was I talking about it for the last 5 minutes if I had dealt with it> You get the picture...

So...I have access to his emails - he asks me to check them when he is working away and I came across the following. My immediate reaction was of shock and concern because he never speaks to me or emails this kind of thing to me, his wife. Do you think I'm overreacting, or would you also read some concern into the fact he's saying these things to another woman and arranging to meet her for lunch. I guess my ability to be objective is somewhat lost because his brother(twin) happened to meet us in a restaurant a year ago when he was having an "innocent business lunch" with a woman and it transpired that he had been having an affair with her for two years.

Here is the relevant text from the email which concerned me:

Hey there HER NAME, x

Its always good to hear from you.

........

You should work for them for there a really good group of guys. We do all the things that we've talked about in the past -- meaning people get together and do things outside of WORK!

I would love to have lunch if your invite is still open -- I'm in town all next week. Let me know.

If no one has told you this-- its hard to get brains, intelligence and good looks in one person but you have all three.

Remain who you are --- rare, perfect, beautiful and just a good person to know. :-)

Am I just being paranoid because of my own experiences and the recent behaviour of his twin or is there enough concern in this to confront him with my concerns? Your objective opinions are very much appreciated as I'm tying myself in knots just thinking about it.

Well, after a weekend where he really criticized everything I suggested and did but of course blamed me for being the one with the issues, I finally confronted himn about the emails last night. He didn't really want to talk about it, was suddenly hit with dry mouth syndrome, and looked like a deer caught in the headlights and struggled very insincerely to remember who this girl was! He then explained very feebly that he had been mentoring her for the last 2 years and he said those terms of endearment etc because she suffering from low self-esteem.

His reasoning was that because she knows he is a granddad she wouldn't read them as anything more than innocent and I'm reading too much into his innocent remarks! I pointed out that he has crossed boundaries he shouldn't have and that I will not tolerate it.

Today I have written, although have not yet sent, an email explaining very simply, without trying to be accusatory how he has made me feel and asking him to explain. I also pointed out in my email that it seems very telling that she apparently had been told that he was a grandfather but that surely it would have been more important to let her know that he is married!

Anyway I've basically laid it on the line that he needs to acknowledge the truth and let me know in reality how much I and this marriage mean to him.Is he willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. If not, then I have some decisions to make.

For the poster who assumed I treat him badly - wrong - I tell him I love him practically every day - not just that I do, but why. I tell him he's gorgeous. I remind him of all his great qualities constantly. I nurture and support him in every way possible. Even if I feel negative because of being hurt or upset I'm the one that bites my tongue and keeps the peace - so no - I'm not being treated the way I treat him.

He is so full of BS. Funny - he never even asked how I found out. Yesterday I was upset. Today I'm angry and resolved to do whatever I need to establish the truth so I know what I need ot do next.

First of all I want to say that I feel for you and what you are going through.

What bothers me about this is that he highlights all YOUR supposed faults but tells this other woman she has brains, intelligence and good looks.

Another thing, you spend all your time telling him how much you love him and why, that he's gorgeous. Honey it seems to me that you are stroking his already oversized ego. How often does he tell YOU that he loves you, that you are gorgeous, praise your wonderful qualities? I would bet hardly ever. Open your eyes dear and see this man for who he really is - a user and abuser. He is abusing you emotionally and mentally.

Even if it turns out that nothing is going on with this woman, just the way he treats you says it all.

BTW you have a right to be pissing MAD!!!!