What the ....

[slim 1,533]

So we're back to square one.

How do I get a person who is unmotivated to get and keep a job to go to (and somehow pay for) school? How is there free school out there in California, by the way?

And for some reason, I don't think having a degree of some sort is going to help our situation. I just don't see how someone can make it through school and then a higher-level job if they can't make it through simply sustaining an easy middle-class life. It's not like it's really difficult to get up and go to work for eight hours a day. To ask a person who's not capable of doing that to go to school as well is asking too much.

She's starting English classes next month (finally) and when I suggested she find a job more suited to her hours (like going to school for 3 1/2 hours during the day and then working six to eight hours in the evening) she flipped. Absolutely bonkers! How could I expect her to work so hard for the things she wants? I'm the one that should be working harder to pay for them, not her. That's a husband's job.

Am I just going to have to be patient until she realizes that either she's going to be happy with what we have or she's going to have to adapt her expectations to a more realistic plan?

[eekee 182]

Well, she works in a restaurant now, right? maybe she'd be happier in a job with more fringe benefits. Like if she worked at Neiman Marcus she'd get a steep employee discount on all the makeup/skincare/fancy shoes/clothes her heart desires and she'd only associate with "kulturniye" people. or she could go to beauty school and get a job as a hairstylist or makeup artist for a very fancy salon or something like that.

[Thomas-n-Elena 0]

I feel for you.

Its difficult to change a perspective like that. When my wife and I talk about money its usually we want to save and make sure we can take care of things. Elena would love to work but there are no jobs for her here that will pay enough to cover day care and that interest her. She doesnt want to work at Menards as a cashier (no offense to all you Menards cashiers out there) she wants to find a nice part or full time job in an office where she can meet people and practice her english and learn how lazy most american workers are.

I wish there was something I could do to help you out.

[Chuckles 0]

So we're back to square one.

How do I get a person who is unmotivated to get and keep a job to go to (and somehow pay for) school? How is there free school out there in California, by the way?

And for some reason, I don't think having a degree of some sort is going to help our situation. I just don't see how someone can make it through school and then a higher-level job if they can't make it through simply sustaining an easy middle-class life. It's not like it's really difficult to get up and go to work for eight hours a day. To ask a person who's not capable of doing that to go to school as well is asking too much.

She's starting English classes next month (finally) and when I suggested she find a job more suited to her hours (like going to school for 3 1/2 hours during the day and then working six to eight hours in the evening) she flipped. Absolutely bonkers! How could I expect her to work so hard for the things she wants? I'm the one that should be working harder to pay for them, not her. That's a husband's job.

Am I just going to have to be patient until she realizes that either she's going to be happy with what we have or she's going to have to adapt her expectations to a more realistic plan?

That is quite the conundrum, what is your education level?

Tell her she needs to support you for a few years while you get whatever the next step is for you so you can be the sole provider. She can support you by paying some bills while you work and go to school. I assume you have some money coming from the military for school?

[Satellite 1]

How is there free school out there in California, by the way?

Ever filled out a FAFSA? Based on our low income. Under 30k for the last four years, remember I was a student too, the federal government pretty much pays for everything and then some with Pell grants. As long you go to a state school with instate tuition. For poor folks like us we also have Board of Governors Fee Waiver for junior college. Cal grants for those with decent grades and then the multitude of scholarships where the number one criteria is being poor.

Like if she worked at Neiman Marcus she'd get a steep employee discount on all the makeup/skincare/fancy shoes/clothes her heart desires and she'd only associate with "kulturniye" people.

My wife worked at Nordstrom, and lets just say a 90% discount off a $1,000 designer dress is still $100, and that is still much higher than say getting a dress at Ross.

[eekee 182]

Like if she worked at Neiman Marcus she'd get a steep employee discount on all the makeup/skincare/fancy shoes/clothes her heart desires and she'd only associate with "kulturniye" people.

My wife worked at Nordstrom, and lets just say a 90% discount off a $1,000 designer dress is still $100, and that is still much higher than say getting a dress at Ross.

omg, is the discount really 90%? i thought it would be like 20% or something. Maybe it's time for a career change.

Slim's wife doesn't sound like the kind of woman who would shop at Ross anyway, though. Plus, with clothes, especially women's clothes, you get what you pay for. A 1000$ dress is meant to be worn forever and then passed on to your daughter. I don't have anything that cost 1000$, but I have clothes that were quite expensive when I bought them, but they hold up, keep their shape/color/etc. and stay in style much longer than cheaper clothes, which are meant to really only last for a season or two. I have clothes from seven years ago that I wear regularly and look brand new. I'd rather buy one beautiful 1000$ dress that will always be beautiful then 50 ####### 20$ dresses that fall apart and fade after a few months. And if that 1000$ dress cost me 100$, that is pretty much my idea of heaven.

[Satellite 1]

omg, is the discount really 90%? i thought it would be like 20% or something. Maybe it's time for a career change.

I used my example as an exaggeration. The regular employee discount was only 20%, but when combined with all the other proper sales and promotional deals it could have been as high as 90% on some select items. I never understood what is so bad about Ross. You just have to look harder for the same quality stuff. Edited May 27, 2008 by Satellite

[eekee 182]

omg, is the discount really 90%? i thought it would be like 20% or something. Maybe it's time for a career change.

I used my example as an exaggeration. The regular employee discount was only 20%, but when combined with all the other proper sales and promotional deals it could have been as high as 90% on some select items. I never understood what is so bad about Ross. You just have to look harder for the same quality stuff.

I don't like shopping when it involves digging and searching, unless it's a sales rack at places like neiman's or nordstroms.. I have only been to ross a few times, but they really don't carry the brands i wear. i recall a lot of polo and ck. also, these kind of stores generally don't have much in my size anyway. everything good is L or XL.

Edited May 27, 2008 by eekee

[slim 1,533]

She doesnt want to work at Menards as a cashier (no offense to all you Menards cashiers out there) she wants to find a nice part or full time job in an office where she can meet people and practice her english and learn how lazy most american workers are.

That's exactly what my wife desires as well. The only difference is I'm not as financially established as some of you already are and in order for us to sustain right now, we BOTH must work, even if it is at Menards. I have a decent job and could live a pretty comfortable life by myself. Add another person into the mix and they're going to have to contribute at least a little bit.

Truth be told we could make it on my job alone but we wouldn't be able to have "nice" things. She's not happy without these "nice" things but fails to understand that we can't have them on my earnings alone. (It would be so easy if she would just work at Menards!)

That is quite the conundrum, what is your education level?

Tell her she needs to support you for a few years while you get whatever the next step is for you so you can be the sole provider. She can support you by paying some bills while you work and go to school. I assume you have some money coming from the military for school?

My education level is "trade/technical school completed, some college" but nowhere near even an AA/AS. Well, somewhat near but a good year or so to complete it.

Your assumption about the money coming in is incorrect. I have zero dollars from the military for school (MGIB stripped as part of my "getting out early" separation) and furthermore, I have to PAY back the govt. for money they paid me as part of a contractual bonus that I didn't fulfill. I would've been done paying by now but that's usually the first bill that gets skipped when my wife would rather eat at a nice restaraunt than pay for something necessary like, say, the rent.

Tell her to support me while I go to school? She refuses to support even herself. And the really sad part is, I'm not asking her to fully support either one of us. Just supplement our household income to the tune of whatever "extra" you want to do. That's it. Simple right?

Ever filled out a FAFSA? Based on our low income. Under 30k for the last four years, remember I was a student too, the federal government pretty much pays for everything and then some with Pell grants. As long you go to a state school with instate tuition. For poor folks like us we also have Board of Governors Fee Waiver for junior college. Cal grants for those with decent grades and then the multitude of scholarships where the number one criteria is being poor.

I filed for FAFSA when I attempted to go to University of Phoenix for two weeks. A lot of good that did me. There's no way we're getting any kind of public assistance. I'm too busy paying for other people to go to school. And a "low interest" student loan is not a good deal in my eyes. Not yet, anyway.

Like if she worked at Neiman Marcus she'd get a steep employee discount on all the makeup/skincare/fancy shoes/clothes her heart desires and she'd only associate with "kulturniye" people.

Then she'd just find something else in her life that was so horrible. The job is merely the scapegoat of the moment.

Everyone, I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm b!tching and moaning about how horrible my wife is. I am venting a little (thanks) but in truth, this is one of the areas that if she could get worked out, things would be awesome around here. I believe this is a fundamental problem blocking our happiness together. Just wondering if anyone else is in the same boat and what you did about it.

Feel free to let me know how you feel. You know I'm not one to sugarcoat stuff here and I'm not going to get offended.

[kud 0]

Had our Citizenship Interview yesterday. My Wife passed the Interview, but we are on hold because a second A file that is missing. One of our Russian Friends had the same problem and it took 4 years to clean up. I sure hope we will be faster. Our Russian friend was here on his own (no American relation). I guess, I will give them a little time and then it will be time to sick my Senator on them.

Huh? What do you mean "a second A file that is missing" ??

That's what the Interviewer told my Wife and and then me when the interviewer walked her out to the waiting area. I know that your A-File has all your immigration paperwork in it. Why a second A-File? I am clueless

[akdiver 3]

Slim:

Your wife is 28 (or so), right? If by that age, she has not learned basic work ethic and acquired the motivation to get ahead in life, the sad fact is that it is doubtful she will. If she is using marriage as a vehicle for being a parasite, rather than a partner, in combination with this lack of work ethic and motivation, is is likely that no amount of conversation, short of a frank discussion concerning marriage roles and expectations, is likely to change anything (and it sounds like you've already had a few rounds of this). After a while, after some fooling around, grappling for position and attempting to judge the fortitude of the other party, those kind of discussions tend to go one of two ways. Either the offending party finally "sees the light" and responds accordingly (either you give up your expectations and live with it, or she gets a clue and does something productive with herself) or the couple goes down a more destructive road that almost always ends up in separation. There may be some detours, while one party "plays along" while looking for a better deal, in line with one's closely held believes about marriage roles, but in the end, the bad mojo goes down.

I do know this - after a month of playing "good Russian wife" and sitting home all day, my wife couldn't take it anymore and decided to volunteer at the library some 20 hours/week instead. She applied for EAD the day after we got married and starting seriously looking for a job about a month before we expected it to arrive in the mail - and was working at OK job (admin assistant, 35K/year, great benefits) the week the EAD actually arrived. At 31, my wife is the about the same age as yours - and she was 28 when she arrived about 3 years ago. Of the other Russian women I know locally - their dispositions are:

Kira - 50+ : more or less immediately starting taking ESL classes (she spoke some already) and within 6 months or so, went to school for phlebotomy. Completed the 9 month or so program - got a job in a hospital.

Larisa - 20 : Kira's daughter. Spoke no English upon arrival. more or less immediately starting taking ESL classes (she spoke some already) and within 6 months or so, went to school for phlebotomy. Completed the 9 month or so program - got a job in a hospital. Also now going to university - wants to be a doctor.

Luuba – 32+ : Spoke good English upon arrival. Took pre-nusing classes at university in preparation for nursing school. Applied, got in, and just completed her B.S in Nursing. Also just had a kid last week - so we'll see if she makes anything of herself or not. But in the meantime she has worked her ### off.

Oxana – 35+ : Not sure how much English she spoke upon arrival - but more or less started working in a department store at first opportunity. Seems motivated and well adjusted.

The point is - your wife's behavior seems to be anything but normal. Same for the attitude of "husband works, wife plays". Don't let her pull the wool over your eyes. Think hard about what to do about this problem.

Good luck!

AKDiver

[eekee 182]

The point is - your wife's behavior seems to be anything but normal. Same for the attitude of "husband works, wife plays". Don't let her pull the wool over your eyes. Think hard about what to do about this problem.

Good luck!

AKDiver

some people are just like that. my stepmother kind of is, and she has an ivy league education and a MBA.

[Ban Hammer 13,622]

don't want to work? been there and done that with a german girl.

[slim 1,533]

Thanks for the replies.

There's no wool over my eyes but I'm pretty much stuck as to what to do. I have to just continue doing what I'm doing and hope it all comes together sometime down the road.

We'll see. I'll be sure to update here.

[Ban Hammer 13,622]

Thanks for the replies.

There's no wool over my eyes but I'm pretty much stuck as to what to do. I have to just continue doing what I'm doing and hope it all comes together sometime down the road.

We'll see. I'll be sure to update here.

you're more patient than i am.