Just wondering if anyone else.....

[ginger1981 0]

Wow this sounds like it could have been my situation. My family was not at all happy about the decision. I admit, after being together formally for a month he proposed (we had known each other for a few years and had met twice before then) so that was a shock to them. But we had been engaged for over a year when we started making wedding plans...and when those wheels started turning my mother threw a fit.

1) She said she had been planning a trip to either Europe or Hawaii for her and my step dad's 20th anniversary, and that the date of my wedding would ruin her vacation plans (her vacation was planned at the time to be the first week of June while mine is the end of June). She actually went as far as to say I was doing this on purpose to ruin her vacation.

2) She threw me under the bus to other family members...she told my grandmother that I had told her (my mother) that she can't go on her vacation...which I never said remotely. I had told her to go on her vacation, and I would find a way to get her to Chicago for the wedding.

3) The same schpiel of "you hardly know him." I've known him since 2005, speak daily via email and usually 2-3 times a week over the phone. We've also visited each other about every 3-4 months and stay at the very least 1 week on our visits. In 2006 Nicky was in the US for nearly 2 months staying with me...so the hardly know/spent time with each other argument didn't work.

4) The general "worried about her image to others" came into affect too I'm sure, as she had always wanted me to date and marry the All-American type boy that almost all the girls I went to school with married the minute they graduated from high school.

5) Education too...both my parents were worried about him not having a uni degree whereas myself and my parents do.

6) They have no clue what he is saying due to his accent

All I can say is...although I know my mom isn't very pleased about it still, I think she realized that it is happening no matter how many fits she could throw, so I think she's accepted it. I'm still worried about mama-drama, but she has been more cooperative and nice as of late. My step dad has also helped in this situation, as he and I discussed the wedding and he voiced what I thought were the legitimate parental concerns.

I really think that unless your mother holds a helluva grudge she will come around and realize what she would be missing out on. I empathize with you, and hope the family drama will clear enough so you have the happiest wedding day you can imagine.

It really amazes me how soooo many people are immature, you know?

Ack...no kidding! I admit my mother tends to have the ability to push certain buttons with me...wheras most of the time I'm rather cool and calm she has the ability to get me unhinged and it usually turns into a whole huge drama-rama. This time around I held my ground and didn't let her hysterics set me off either...so in the end I was the one who came out looking good. It sounds awful that I have to be so detached, but it was the only way to deal with my mom until fairly recently.

My favorite one was my mom said he didn't "look American" lol...well of course not!

[Lisax 0]

Wow this sounds like it could have been my situation. My family was not at all happy about the decision. I admit, after being together formally for a month he proposed (we had known each other for a few years and had met twice before then) so that was a shock to them. But we had been engaged for over a year when we started making wedding plans...and when those wheels started turning my mother threw a fit.

1) She said she had been planning a trip to either Europe or Hawaii for her and my step dad's 20th anniversary, and that the date of my wedding would ruin her vacation plans (her vacation was planned at the time to be the first week of June while mine is the end of June). She actually went as far as to say I was doing this on purpose to ruin her vacation.

2) She threw me under the bus to other family members...she told my grandmother that I had told her (my mother) that she can't go on her vacation...which I never said remotely. I had told her to go on her vacation, and I would find a way to get her to Chicago for the wedding.

3) The same schpiel of "you hardly know him." I've known him since 2005, speak daily via email and usually 2-3 times a week over the phone. We've also visited each other about every 3-4 months and stay at the very least 1 week on our visits. In 2006 Nicky was in the US for nearly 2 months staying with me...so the hardly know/spent time with each other argument didn't work.

4) The general "worried about her image to others" came into affect too I'm sure, as she had always wanted me to date and marry the All-American type boy that almost all the girls I went to school with married the minute they graduated from high school.

5) Education too...both my parents were worried about him not having a uni degree whereas myself and my parents do.

6) They have no clue what he is saying due to his accent

All I can say is...although I know my mom isn't very pleased about it still, I think she realized that it is happening no matter how many fits she could throw, so I think she's accepted it. I'm still worried about mama-drama, but she has been more cooperative and nice as of late. My step dad has also helped in this situation, as he and I discussed the wedding and he voiced what I thought were the legitimate parental concerns.

I really think that unless your mother holds a helluva grudge she will come around and realize what she would be missing out on. I empathize with you, and hope the family drama will clear enough so you have the happiest wedding day you can imagine.

It really amazes me how soooo many people are immature, you know?

Ack...no kidding! I admit my mother tends to have the ability to push certain buttons with me...wheras most of the time I'm rather cool and calm she has the ability to get me unhinged and it usually turns into a whole huge drama-rama. This time around I held my ground and didn't let her hysterics set me off either...so in the end I was the one who came out looking good. It sounds awful that I have to be so detached, but it was the only way to deal with my mom until fairly recently.

My favorite one was my mom said he didn't "look American" lol...well of course not!

didn't look american enough...wow

[BMJ 0]

I knew my family might not be 100% on board with me having a relationship that started online. To try to fix this, Mark and I have called my mom and sister using skype so they can kind of get to know him before we get married. I have been with Mark since '06 and known him longer than that. When Mark first came over he had long hair and my mother almost died saying he looked like a Hells Angel and omg I was going to marry a biker. I assured her that it was not the case and he was perfectly nice and a very loving man. Since he first came to meet me in person he has cut his hair (which my mom likes a lot better) and we have taken tons of pictures every time he has come out. The kids love Mark so much which is something that has helped my family accept him more as well. Mark also has a calendar for my family's birthdays and he has sent ecards for birthdays, anniversary, and things like mother's day. Mark asked me to marry him in October '06 so my family has had a bit of time to get use to the idea that we are getting married. Our wedding date is set for October '08. Hopefully our visa will come through by that time.

I would say in your case, maybe it isn't a case of not wanting you happy but more of a worry about the whole meeting online, and not having as much time as they would like you to have being with the person before marriage. I think a lot of people forget that there were many soldiers who married pen pals many years ago, that there were things they also forget a time when men and women only dated but did not share a house or apartment before marriage. Over this whole visa process in a way what you guys have been doing is in a sense dating, you have gotten to know each other, you know you love each other, and it is hard for you to figure out why no one else can see this.

Basically, people who are not into chatting online a lot can not understand that there are real people out there that are nice and friendly, they hear horror stories about how people are killed by meeting someone online or how a computer game made someone kill themselves or their friends etc. They do not take into account that it isn't the computer game that killed someone, it is the person behind the game. People are good and bad everywhere, in person and online. I think your family is just worried about you, they do want you happy and they are worried you will not be happy with your husband.

Try to be less defensive (I know that will be very hard but do try) and accept they love you and they are worried about you. Try to understand that not everyone can understand how online relationships work, and give them time to adjust. Continue to invite them over for dinner, or to go out shopping for baby clothes. Explain to them that you are sad about how they are acting and it is hurting you and you know they are worried about you but you are hoping that with time they will acceptyour marriage and her new and upcoming grandbaby.

Good luck and stay strong!

Edited May 22, 2008 by BMJ

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Variation on a theme . . . my sister in law is Chinese, and when she and my brother planned to marry our family had no problems - we felt she was the best thing that had ever happened to him (and he agrees). Her family, however, was dismayed. They had problems with several areas - my brother isn't Chinese, he is Caucasian; my brother didn't make a lot of money; my brother was a teacher and not one of the 'preferred' occupations; my brother lived in Canada and they lived in Hong Kong. Because of immigration it took time for the wedding plans to materialize, and her family basically told her they wouldn't acknowledge the wedding, wouldn't come and would 'disown' her. She was very upset and very unhappy but told them it was her decision and she was going through with it. As they date drew closer and she didn't back down her parents began to realize that they were seriously facing the reality of 'losing' their youngest daughter if they didn't change their position. Reluctantly, they agreed to come and visit my parents and our family and would decide then if they would attend the wedding or not.

Well, the rest is history - they were welcomed with open arms, made to feel welcomed, realized that there were a lot of good things about my brother and his situation - and finally came to understand, as they later told us, that they were not losing a daughter - they were gaining a family. They happily attended the wedding. My sister-in-law's family and our family have become best of friends, all of us happy that we are 'related', and both set of grandparents are inordinately proud of their granddaughter.

I hope that your family will be able to realize that the choice is theirs - to accept your choice and try to make it work, or not to accept your choice but that you will be living your life the way that you see fit. This is how it should be. Parents want what is best for their children - it only becomes a problem when their definition of what is 'best' differs from the child's definition.

Good luck to you all. I hope it works out.

[Nutty 2]

I think the thing to do is to write your mother and sister a loving letter saying,,,,"I love the both of you and know you are concerned for me. But in my heart I feel that I have made the right choice in who I am marrying. I realize you can not accept that and feel compelled to argue your views on this. I don't want to argue with you because I love you, so it is better we agree to disagree on this matter and keep peace with each other asloving family members should." PS, I am sorry I spent Mother's Day with Dad, when it should have been spent with you.

Then let them decide if they want to attend the wedding or not.

Edited May 22, 2008 by Nutty

[william_wallace 8]

I have a big family. I make sure they never stick there nose in where it don't concern them. I am an adult, old and wise enough to make my own decisions.

All that concerns me is my own kids. My family have there own life. I don't stick my nose in to there business and I expect the same in return.

[DJ and BJ 0]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I tried to call my mother and she was yelling and screaming and dramatic and hung up on me!!! So uncalled for. I don't know quite what the exact issue is, but, like someone said, either they will get over it or not.

And surprisingly enough, because I'm sort of used to these kind of shanangins with these people, It doesn't sadden me in the very least, that they won't be there.

In a perfect world, they would accept me, and my spouse for who we are as we have them. But at the end of the day, we have to live our lives, just as they do theirs.

I now have had to learn to not share good or bad news with unhappy people. They can turn it into the ugliest thing ever!

But thanks! I feel better. And I'm off to sleep, so I can have plenty of rest, for this wonderful and blessed day that we both have waited so long for!

[mnieto 2]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I tried to call my mother and she was yelling and screaming and dramatic and hung up on me!!! So uncalled for. I don't know quite what the exact issue is, but, like someone said, either they will get over it or not.

And surprisingly enough, because I'm sort of used to these kind of shanangins with these people, It doesn't sadden me in the very least, that they won't be there.

In a perfect world, they would accept me, and my spouse for who we are as we have them. But at the end of the day, we have to live our lives, just as they do theirs.

I now have had to learn to not share good or bad news with unhappy people. They can turn it into the ugliest thing ever!

But thanks! I feel better. And I'm off to sleep, so I can have plenty of rest, for this wonderful and blessed day that we both have waited so long for!

I wish you wonderful wedding and an even more wonderful marriage! All the best to you and your husband!

[venusfire503 54]

I also went through similar things. My family completely flipped even when I first said I was going to Morocco. They didn't know him at all, and were of the opinion that I didn't either (since we had met online). I waited until he got his visa to tell everyone that he was coming (they didn't know he had applied) just because I didn't want to listen to their 'advice'. It was kind of funny, in a way - I called my dad to tell him I had some news, and he figured I had already gotten married. As upset as he was about it, he was kind of relieved that we weren't married yet.

Because of the short amount of time we're given on the K! (90 days), and the way my family is scattered around the country, we married on short notice (just a few days after we got the marriage license) and only a few people attended. I think that's a good thing, because then I didn't have to get upset about those who wouldn't have come anyway.

I have some friends and family members who haven't been very welcoming, and some have basically dropped out of my life. I know part of it was the online thing, part was the timing (everything from my divorce, meeting him, the visa, and getting married went faster than expected), and part is who/what he is (Moroccan, muslim, Arabic, etc - in other words, 'different').

We've realized that all the things that are supposed to make it 'more difficult' for a relationship (those differences) haven't been a problem at all for us. There have been some adjustments, of course, but that's with ANY two people. I'm impressed how well he adjusted to so many changes (new culture, language, being married, meeting my kids, etc). The biggest issue we've had is how other people react to us, not how we've reacted to each other. The main thing there has been how he feels guilty, like he's complicated my life and is 'responsible' for the way others treat me. That bothers me - he should NEVER have to feel like he's a problem. I told him I don't need people like that in my life.

We've only known each other a little more than 2 years. Some people might wonder what I think I know... but I was with my first husband 19 years (dated for 4, married for 15), and we never did figure out how to understand each other, or how to deal with each other. I can already see the difference this time. In the short time we've been together (he got here almost 18 months ago), we already figured things out with each other. The most important thing is that we work on it together.

So many people think they know better than we do, but they don't bother to get to know him very much. They also haven't talked to me much in the past few years to see how I've changed. How can they decide anything about our relationship when they don't really know either of us? The thing that bothers me the most is they focus on what THEY can't deal with, and figure I won't be able to deal with it either.

Anyway, it's important to stay strong and talk with the people who are on your side, not those who are working against you. Remember that many of them are well meaning, but very misguided. One of the hardest things for me is finding someone to talk with when there have been little problems (which happens in every relationship). You will find there are many people you can't turn to, because they'll just use anything you say as proof that you really are 'making a mistake'. It took me a long time to remember that VJ is for so much more than helping us with the technical process with USCIS. There are so many people here that understand and are supportive.

If you need someone to talk to, PM me. I'm not on very often, but I can give you my email address.

[SMOKE 1,426]

So here I am, just getting ready to get married, with my mother saying in an EMAIL, "I WON"T BE THERE FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE"

Oh yeah, and the appropriate reaction is 'so what?'. Why would you want them at your wedding anyway? They are just looking for a reaction. Give them none and continue on. They'll get over it or they won't. Whatever. Just remember again, staying married is the best revenge.

or a better reply might be....WOOO!! 1 less person i gotta feed!