Just wondering if anyone else.....

[DJ and BJ 0]

Has had a problem with their family accepting their new foreign spouses?

My fiance and I are getting married this Friday, May 23. My mother, sister, and aunt, and probably a lot more people, are so hell bent against our relationship, saying that we need to get to know each other and spend more time with each other before we get married.

How the heck do they know how much time we've spent together and what they would 'qualify' as time spent, wouldn't necessarily be on the same terms as what I would qualify or quantify.

I know him better than any of them do, and he knows me better than my OWN family.

So...to make a long story short, my sister sends me emails talking about how concerned she is about what I'm doing, (after I recently called and announced to everyone that we are already expecting).

I thought they would have been as happy as I am, that I am having a baby, and that I've finally found a good man to share the rest of my life with.

All I got was criticism, and drama. So I went to my mother personally to ask her how to deal with the negative things my sister was saying. My mom said she would call a family meeting. She spoke with not only me, but my fiance as well in person.

The next day I get an email from her, saying she wasn't going to get involved, after telling us both that she would try to help us resolve the issue, and then commenced to continue to criticize us and berate us in the email as if we were both young inexperienced teenagers.

I was disappointed, and decided to take my SO's advice and not do a lot of talking and calling and sharing good, or bad news with them.

Mother's day came and went, and we spent it with my father and his wife. I got home today, and my mother had written me another EMAIL saying how concerned she was about what I was doing, and that she was upset with me, and DECIDED not to attend our wedding this Friday, because I didn't call her or send her an e-card for mother's day. My sister also chimed in that she and her family would also not be attending, and they let me know that they had been talking amongst themselves and also persuaded other family members not to attend our ceremony.

I called my mother, to really try to understand why they were continuing the DRAMATICS after I had left it all alone. People will talk, regardless.

She yelled and screamed on the phone, and said she didn't want to talk to me. Which is why I didn't call her, even for mother's day, after she let me down, and degraded me in her email, after I had hoped she would have helped me resolve family issues that I thought were very simple.

So here I am, just getting ready to get married, with my mother saying in an EMAIL, "I WON"T BE THERE FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE"

all because 'she says', I didn't call her for mothers day. I really feel as if, she isn't coming, and the rest of some of the family isn't, because THEY never supported my relationship, whether it was long-distance, and he was from another country.

What I don't get is, WHY THEY WANT ME to be unhappy, when I'm very happy and pleased with who he is, and how he treats me.

Am I wrong to continue to stay silent, after having tried to resolve issues in person, yet they don't give me the respect to talk about their 'concerns' other than in email?

I just don't feel like I need to share any good or bad news in my life with them anymore, because they will still find the DOOMSDAY MESSAGE in it.

I hope my fiance isn't as sensitive as I am, and doesn't take it personal how his new in-laws are such ...uh...unhappy people.

Does anyone else have this problem? And what advice can you give? Because I'm not about to be thinking about them on my wedding day.

I love my mom, but it seems like there is some deeper issue, other than the fact....

[frostysoftyeaton 6]

hello and greetings

i can understand the hurt involved here but remember it is your life not theirs

i am lucky my family supports my desicion one reason the know if they hurt my girl i will not talk to them it has happened before

to put your mind at ease i hope

i have been married twice this will be my third marriage

the first one i knew for 7 years it lasted 6 months

the second i knew for one week before i decided to marry her it lasted 10 years

who is to say what makes a relationship all i can say is it takes communication and comprimise from both parties

as to your family write them an e-mail and tell them you forgive them for the hurtful things they have said and thier rude actions and when they want to talk let you know

obliviously if your mom is divorce she does not have much room to talk when the baby comes it may change her mind always be couteous and send them pics but make them come to you to talk otherwise they are in control and you will not be able to get your point across hopefully this helps

[catrocks 0]

I'm so sorry you're having problems with your family. It sounds like they are just adding to your pre-wedding stress and not being a very good family in general!

I would email or talk to your mother/sister/aunt and explain that you love your fiance whether they accept it or not, and he is making the commitment to leave his country, life and family to be with you. Whether they like it or not, you are going to marry him. And that while you appreciate them looking out for you, you don't appreciate being told what to do and dictated to like this. All in a very calm, very mature way.

Explain that this is your wedding. It's going to go ahead whether they are there or not, but that it would break your heart if they were not there. You only plan on doing this once, and you don't want to argue or lose your family over this.

I think many people can't understand how long distance relationships work unless they have directly experienced one, especially if they hear you met online (not sure whether you did or not). But you have to remember that you are marrying the man you love, he is giving up everything to be with you and you are going to make alife together. It would seriously be a shame if your family is too stubborn or stupid to realize this, but at the end of the day it would be their loss, not yours.

I don't know what else I can tell you, I've never experienced anything like this personally. But just remember, you and your fiance are the ones in the relationship, not your mother, sister or aunt, so they don't know what you have. Get married, be happy and if they can't be mature and happy enough for you to show up on the happiest day of your life then they have a serious problem.

[Dr. Obvious 49]

My FIL thought it was the worst idea ever for us to get married. Threw a fit, wouldn´t talk to his son for months, made bizarre demands. When it became clear none of that had any effect on our plans to get married and we started planning doing it in Witten (where we were living) and not in Brake (FIL`s home town), he decided it best to get over himself. It was still another year or so though before things were tolerable to good with my FIL. I think your family will eventually have come to the same conclusion, that they should get over themselves.

As for everyone else who were probably throwing 50s in for the divorce pool at our wedding, staying married is the best revenge.

Edited May 22, 2008 by Wacken

[Glen&Teresa 0]

When Teresa and I first started talking about things being permenant. Her folks were resisitant - the usual. You hardly know him etc etc etc. Anyway I offered to meet her folks on Skypes for as long and often as they wanted, so they could get to know me and stuff.

Well it worked - her mother has turned into the super duper wedding planner. She lives in a retirement community, and the whole place knows me. She cant stop crowing loud enough. Maybe that is the secret. Get you betrothed to spend some time on the phone with your mother. Maybe what ever made you fall in love with the guy may rub off on your mother

[Alex & Rachel 78]

Sounds to me that they are possibly jealous and unhappy themselves. And so instead of being happy for you they have to try and drag you down to their level so that you're unhappy, too. Misery loves company. I would probably send an e-mail as Catrocks suggests but then leave it up to them to contact you again. The problem appears to be on their end, not yours, so I would just ignore it, get on with your (happy!) life and wait for them to realise that nothing they say can affect you and your relationship.

[Dr. Obvious 49]

So here I am, just getting ready to get married, with my mother saying in an EMAIL, "I WON"T BE THERE FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE"

Oh yeah, and the appropriate reaction is 'so what?'. Why would you want them at your wedding anyway? They are just looking for a reaction. Give them none and continue on. They'll get over it or they won't. Whatever. Just remember again, staying married is the best revenge.

[catrocks 0]

Yeah luckily for us we never had any of that "you hardly know each other" stuff because we practically lived together for the first year before he went back to the US.

I like the suggestion Glen&Theresa made, to try and get your fiance and your mother to know each other better.... whether it be by phone or by email. Although that would depend on whether your mother would cooperate!

Wacken also makes a good point - if that's their attitude then do you even want them at your wedding, making snide remarks and not thinking anything is good enough??

[mnieto 2]

It's a painful and stupid situation, indeed.

My fiance (USC) and I are actually facing a similar situation. He loves his family (mom, brother and sister) very much but he recently got into a huge fight with them over several issues (which are not related to me in any way, BTW).

Now he doesn't know if he wants them to attend our wedding or not. He says that he's not sure if he wants all of the tension and hurt feelings on a day which should be filled with happiness.

I've told him that I'll support whatever decision he might make, but at the bottom of my heart I'm not very happy with the outlook of getting married without any family at all. Both of my parents have passed away years ago, there won't be anybody from my side , so I was hoping to get a new family with his folks. Turns out, it might not be like that.

I guess the right thing to do is to try to work it out with them. I've told him that his decision not to invite his folks will have a deep impact on his future relationship with them, which he understands.

But I can also understand his desire to just "elope" with me and get married alone without the potential risk of another fight, which could maybe ruin "our" day.

I really don't know what the right thing to do is.....I'd love to be able to just accept our situation with a shrug, but somehow I can't.

All I know is that I'd give the world if I could have my parents there with me at my wedding day, but destiny chose not to make it possible,for some reason. And then, you have families who are living and breathing, but just can't get along.

It's just crazy...

[*JG* 2]

Mostly, I think it is their fear of the unknown. You know what you feel in your head and in your heart.....do what is right for you and to hell with what anyone else thinks about your decisions!

My family was initially very skeptical. In the 2 years we have been married, they have fallen under his charm and realized I was right all along.

Hang in there.

[Lisax 0]

They are acting very immature with the situation. It sounds like they are putting their defences up, which they shouldn't be because they're your family, your flesh and blood, you know? as jomo's girl said, I think it is the fear of the unknown, this is different for them, because your fiance is from another country.

From what I see you guys have been together for 3 years now? come on, what is up with them? I would just give it time, they will eventually come round and they will see how very, very immature they are acting. It really amazes me sometimes how people suddenly act like a 2 year old having a tantrum.

Follow your heart, as you said your in a fantastic relationship, your about to marry the man you love and going to have a baby, you have created your own family.

They will come around eventually, if not, they are very silly fools indeed, enjoy your life, your new husband and baby.

[Mononoke28 135]

I agree with Kelly in that this is all because they're afraid of the unknown. Also, people bond with one another when they have a common denominator to hate, in this case you and your fiancée. It makes them stronger, it drives them closer together and maybe that explains why your mom changed so suddenly.

I think the best thing would be to time go by not only to heal wounds but also to show them how wrong they are. The best advice I can give you is not to keep all those hurt feelings and anger bottled in. Let them go for your sake, the sake of your marriage and your baby. It's a big weight that won't let you live a happy life and also feelings that will come back to hurt you in later years. Just let go and wish everybody nothing but the best. Your new family needs you more than ever now and you need to be healthy inside out for them.

Diana

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

This is an extremely painful situation. I think that you have to make decisions to preserve your own sanity at this point. They are sending you notes to purposely cause you emotional pain. (ie your mom's email) I would cut that off at the knees. Meaning, let them know you've heard their comments, you find them hurtful rather than helpful, you are open to having a discussion with them and helping them come to terms with your decision, but that your decision is final, then tell them to stop sending you hurtful notes and if they are unable to stop sending you hurtful notes, stop reading them. Let them call you. Delete all their emails. They are trying to make your heart bleed and distract you and pressure you into doing what they want. That's totally unhealthy. Even if you are making the biggest mistake of your life, your family is supposed to be there to provide support and love. If they are causing pain, then kick them to the curb. Your enemies can cause you pain, you don't need it from your loved ones.

[ginger1981 0]

Wow this sounds like it could have been my situation. My family was not at all happy about the decision. I admit, after being together formally for a month he proposed (we had known each other for a few years and had met twice before then) so that was a shock to them. But we had been engaged for over a year when we started making wedding plans...and when those wheels started turning my mother threw a fit.

1) She said she had been planning a trip to either Europe or Hawaii for her and my step dad's 20th anniversary, and that the date of my wedding would ruin her vacation plans (her vacation was planned at the time to be the first week of June while mine is the end of June). She actually went as far as to say I was doing this on purpose to ruin her vacation.

2) She threw me under the bus to other family members...she told my grandmother that I had told her (my mother) that she can't go on her vacation...which I never said remotely. I had told her to go on her vacation, and I would find a way to get her to Chicago for the wedding.

3) The same schpiel of "you hardly know him." I've known him since 2005, speak daily via email and usually 2-3 times a week over the phone. We've also visited each other about every 3-4 months and stay at the very least 1 week on our visits. In 2006 Nicky was in the US for nearly 2 months staying with me...so the hardly know/spent time with each other argument didn't work.

4) The general "worried about her image to others" came into affect too I'm sure, as she had always wanted me to date and marry the All-American type boy that almost all the girls I went to school with married the minute they graduated from high school.

5) Education too...both my parents were worried about him not having a uni degree whereas myself and my parents do.

6) They have no clue what he is saying due to his accent

All I can say is...although I know my mom isn't very pleased about it still, I think she realized that it is happening no matter how many fits she could throw, so I think she's accepted it. I'm still worried about mama-drama, but she has been more cooperative and nice as of late. My step dad has also helped in this situation, as he and I discussed the wedding and he voiced what I thought were the legitimate parental concerns.

I really think that unless your mother holds a helluva grudge she will come around and realize what she would be missing out on. I empathize with you, and hope the family drama will clear enough so you have the happiest wedding day you can imagine.

[Lisax 0]

Wow this sounds like it could have been my situation. My family was not at all happy about the decision. I admit, after being together formally for a month he proposed (we had known each other for a few years and had met twice before then) so that was a shock to them. But we had been engaged for over a year when we started making wedding plans...and when those wheels started turning my mother threw a fit.

1) She said she had been planning a trip to either Europe or Hawaii for her and my step dad's 20th anniversary, and that the date of my wedding would ruin her vacation plans (her vacation was planned at the time to be the first week of June while mine is the end of June). She actually went as far as to say I was doing this on purpose to ruin her vacation.

2) She threw me under the bus to other family members...she told my grandmother that I had told her (my mother) that she can't go on her vacation...which I never said remotely. I had told her to go on her vacation, and I would find a way to get her to Chicago for the wedding.

3) The same schpiel of "you hardly know him." I've known him since 2005, speak daily via email and usually 2-3 times a week over the phone. We've also visited each other about every 3-4 months and stay at the very least 1 week on our visits. In 2006 Nicky was in the US for nearly 2 months staying with me...so the hardly know/spent time with each other argument didn't work.

4) The general "worried about her image to others" came into affect too I'm sure, as she had always wanted me to date and marry the All-American type boy that almost all the girls I went to school with married the minute they graduated from high school.

5) Education too...both my parents were worried about him not having a uni degree whereas myself and my parents do.

6) They have no clue what he is saying due to his accent

All I can say is...although I know my mom isn't very pleased about it still, I think she realized that it is happening no matter how many fits she could throw, so I think she's accepted it. I'm still worried about mama-drama, but she has been more cooperative and nice as of late. My step dad has also helped in this situation, as he and I discussed the wedding and he voiced what I thought were the legitimate parental concerns.

I really think that unless your mother holds a helluva grudge she will come around and realize what she would be missing out on. I empathize with you, and hope the family drama will clear enough so you have the happiest wedding day you can imagine.

It really amazes me how soooo many people are immature, you know?