Did I do the right thing

[cnfused 0]

So much reading so many positive people and the experiences they too have gone through, well yesterday I went home a little early because I was not feeling good, it was almost 5PM and the little one was not in the house yet, I called dad and he said oh yeah he went to the library. I stated it would have been nice if you could have informed me as we live togehter right? Still trying to pick up the pieces of my marriage but when things like this happen I say to myself why am I trying when the effort from the other side is not there? Man what a situation I have gotten myself into. We will keep going and let everyone know how it goes. Thanks again

[hheaven67 2]

Well, I have to say a man is a man and little details do not turn a lightbulb on their head thinking that they should tell you every little detail. I've read this entire post and these thoughts come to my mind:

- his divorcee is probably feeling quite isolated living in a room, not knowing anyone but him from "home" as well as the fact she can't speak English well at all

- why are the kids living with you & him and not her? If I was you, for the kids sake, I would assist her as much as possible financially...they ARE a package deal, as well as her...give her a time frame as to how long the assistance would last, at that time, she is responsible financially other than child support. He is basically a stranger to the kids...no wonder they are behaving the way they are, they don't even know him due to his unacceptable behaviour and only being a sperm donor! and he doesn't know them!

- did you not know who this man was when you married him? how much did you two share/discuss before you married him?

- IMO, I feel sorry for everyone but you...you knew this was a package deal, did you think it was all going to be roses?? YOU are living in YOUR homeland, YOU have YOUR job, YOU have everything that is familiar to YOU...they have come to a strange land where their securities are GONE, they don't feel at home, speaking a second language, no true friends yet as that takes time - learning to trust, and all YOU are concerned about is YOUR insecure feelings! I never once heard you say a word about how THEY feel. Maybe you should've stayed single??

[motu 6]

A little different perspective - my wife is from Colombia and the family unit is more important than anything in her life. She talks to her sister sometimes three or four times a day, her brother at least once and some of her cousins etc. too. In my opinion (and I could be completely wrong) you appear to be very controlling (from some of your statements) and now you have no control over this new life and that's why you are feeling the way you are. It seems to me that you are in a 'fight or perish' mode right now. You need to learn to relax (do some relaxation like Qui Gong) and try and accept the situation for what it is - it will resolve itself eventually one way or the other. If you force it to be more combative - it will resolve in a break-up; if you force it to be more sympathetic - it will resolve in a more peaceful situation. I had to do something similar though not as extreme as in your situation (I was not too controlling ).

I will tell you a little about my wife's brother - he divorced his wife (after 10 years or so) has two children and they live with her but spend weekends with him (this is all in Colombia). He would do anything for the kids and you need to understand this basic family-unit value they seem to have. When he went for the divorce hearing and the judge ordered the monthly support - he immediately offered to pay twice the support saying he wants to do it to keep his children happy!

You have a lot of pride in yourself and you seem to want him, and his ex, and his children to behave in very specific ways - I think you will need to give in and let them be - just because they do things differently doesn't make them bad or inferior - just different - they are good people and in my opinion the Colombians are far better family people than anything I have ever seen in my life. I really envy that, but in a good way. Good Luck

Edited May 24, 2008 by motu

[bhajishah 4]

SHe needs to payback in kind, clean up your house and straighten up her brats!!

[mnieto 2]

Well, I have to say a man is a man and little details do not turn a lightbulb on their head thinking that they should tell you every little detail. I've read this entire post and these thoughts come to my mind:

- his divorcee is probably feeling quite isolated living in a room, not knowing anyone but him from "home" as well as the fact she can't speak English well at all

- why are the kids living with you & him and not her? If I was you, for the kids sake, I would assist her as much as possible financially...they ARE a package deal, as well as her...give her a time frame as to how long the assistance would last, at that time, she is responsible financially other than child support. He is basically a stranger to the kids...no wonder they are behaving the way they are, they don't even know him due to his unacceptable behaviour and only being a sperm donor! and he doesn't know them!

- did you not know who this man was when you married him? how much did you two share/discuss before you married him?

- IMO, I feel sorry for everyone but you...you knew this was a package deal, did you think it was all going to be roses?? YOU are living in YOUR homeland, YOU have YOUR job, YOU have everything that is familiar to YOU...they have come to a strange land where their securities are GONE, they don't feel at home, speaking a second language, no true friends yet as that takes time - learning to trust, and all YOU are concerned about is YOUR insecure feelings! I never once heard you say a word about how THEY feel. Maybe you should've stayed single??

Yep, but as a matter of fact, she wasn't the petitioner for the X, was she?

[cnfused 0]

Well, I have to say a man is a man and little details do not turn a lightbulb on their head thinking that they should tell you every little detail. I've read this entire post and these thoughts come to my mind:

- his divorcee is probably feeling quite isolated living in a room, not knowing anyone but him from "home" as well as the fact she can't speak English well at all

- why are the kids living with you & him and not her? If I was you, for the kids sake, I would assist her as much as possible financially...they ARE a package deal, as well as her...give her a time frame as to how long the assistance would last, at that time, she is responsible financially other than child support. He is basically a stranger to the kids...no wonder they are behaving the way they are, they don't even know him due to his unacceptable behaviour and only being a sperm donor! and he doesn't know them!

- did you not know who this man was when you married him? how much did you two share/discuss before you married him?

- IMO, I feel sorry for everyone but you...you knew this was a package deal, did you think it was all going to be roses?? YOU are living in YOUR homeland, YOU have YOUR job, YOU have everything that is familiar to YOU...they have come to a strange land where their securities are GONE, they don't feel at home, speaking a second language, no true friends yet as that takes time - learning to trust, and all YOU are concerned about is YOUR insecure feelings! I never once heard you say a word about how THEY feel. Maybe you should've stayed single??

Any everyone is has their own opinion. What feeling the children do not even speak to me even when spoken to. Everything I am used to. NO I moved from where I lived all my life to the north east to live with my husband. I attempt to do what I can. I petioned the children had the mom or dad done this it would still be 4 years more of waiting for them. Before the kids even landed they had health, dental and vision insurance. This enabled them to be able to go to school here as they need a few addtional tests and shots. I took off 5 days of work to trot them around and get everything set up to try and bring normalacy into there lives knowing that they left all they had behind. I have tried to be understanding to the needs they have and the differnces in culture.

We did have discussions , however the man I married is not the man I am with now. The situation has changed now that the children are here which is why I am putting myself out here in hopes to help ME change and understand what needs to be done. But one person does not make a marriage. Thanks for your input.

[cnfused 0]

A little different perspective - my wife is from Colombia and the family unit is more important than anything in her life. She talks to her sister sometimes three or four times a day, her brother at least once and some of her cousins etc. too. In my opinion (and I could be completely wrong) you appear to be very controlling (from some of your statements) and now you have no control over this new life and that's why you are feeling the way you are. It seems to me that you are in a 'fight or perish' mode right now. You need to learn to relax (do some relaxation like Qui Gong) and try and accept the situation for what it is - it will resolve itself eventually one way or the other. If you force it to be more combative - it will resolve in a break-up; if you force it to be more sympathetic - it will resolve in a more peaceful situation. I had to do something similar though not as extreme as in your situation (I was not too controlling ).

I will tell you a little about my wife's brother - he divorced his wife (after 10 years or so) has two children and they live with her but spend weekends with him (this is all in Colombia). He would do anything for the kids and you need to understand this basic family-unit value they seem to have. When he went for the divorce hearing and the judge ordered the monthly support - he immediately offered to pay twice the support saying he wants to do it to keep his children happy!

You have a lot of pride in yourself and you seem to want him, and his ex, and his children to behave in very specific ways - I think you will need to give in and let them be - just because they do things differently doesn't make them bad or inferior - just different - they are good people and in my opinion the Colombians are far better family people than anything I have ever seen in my life. I really envy that, but in a good way. Good Luck

Motu, Yes my husband is definatly one of those family oriented colombians. He came here in order to try and make a better life for his children. His dream was for them to come here and live the " American Dream " however I think at times the kids do not graspo this is full. They were taken away from the life they had to come to this new land. They are lucky because both of the parents are here where as in most cases is is only one parent. My husband and I had a pretty long discussion over the weekend and we both are trying to make the best of this situation. However the kids come from where there was always someone ther to pick up whatever mess they made and are having a hard time adjusting to the fact that the maid does not live here anymore. We had a sisutaion with the little one last noght about homework. We check his bag on a regular bases and did not see any, however he had it stashed and brought it out at 5PM needless to say we finally finished after midnight. I expalined that this is not acceptable and also told dad that this has to stop. The child needs to be a little more responsible he is not 5 but 11 and knows he needs to finsh the work from school. He stared crying and for the first time his dad did not give in to him. This was a step in the right direction IMO. Hopefully we can trudge along. As far as contolling yes a bit that is for sure and it is not easy to be not be in control as I was always the pack leader in my house since the day my daughter was born. This I am working on also along with trying to bring harmony to my marriage.

[cnfused 0]

Well, I have to say a man is a man and little details do not turn a lightbulb on their head thinking that they should tell you every little detail. I've read this entire post and these thoughts come to my mind:

- his divorcee is probably feeling quite isolated living in a room, not knowing anyone but him from "home" as well as the fact she can't speak English well at all

- why are the kids living with you & him and not her? If I was you, for the kids sake, I would assist her as much as possible financially...they ARE a package deal, as well as her...give her a time frame as to how long the assistance would last, at that time, she is responsible financially other than child support. He is basically a stranger to the kids...no wonder they are behaving the way they are, they don't even know him due to his unacceptable behaviour and only being a sperm donor! and he doesn't know them!

- did you not know who this man was when you married him? how much did you two share/discuss before you married him?

- IMO, I feel sorry for everyone but you...you knew this was a package deal, did you think it was all going to be roses?? YOU are living in YOUR homeland, YOU have YOUR job, YOU have everything that is familiar to YOU...they have come to a strange land where their securities are GONE, they don't feel at home, speaking a second language, no true friends yet as that takes time - learning to trust, and all YOU are concerned about is YOUR insecure feelings! I never once heard you say a word about how THEY feel. Maybe you should've stayed single??

Yep, but as a matter of fact, she wasn't the petitioner for the X, was she?

Correct I was the one who broght them and knew they would live with us for a short period, however I see this short period growing as MOM has not gotten off the pot. I explained to my husband that if we knew this was the case we would not have signed the lease on the 1 bedroom we would have looked for a 2 bedroom at least. We live in pretty tight quarters and this does not help the situation at all.

And I refuse to support the EX PERIOD. She needs to sink or swin. She has a car that we gave her for FREE so she can trot off to work and bring home her own bacon. As far as English there is place up the street hoever she does not want to go. SO no effort no help.

[russian_armenian 4]

Sounds like everybody is adjusting to new situation-you, husband, kids, ex. I would probably ask husband to send kids to live with mother since she knows better how to handle them. I would let husband support all of them; so, the ex can rent large enough place for her and kids. Since he is not making that much, looks like the ex still would need to work (kids are not that small-can take care of themselve while she is at work). Maybe it is less money for your family but could be less headache too. The ex would be busy with kids and work -less talking to husband. You would come home and sped time as you pleased without the need to discipline grownup not-yours kids. Husband would have more time for you and maybe would figure how to make more money.

Maybe I am wrong but would rather pay the husband's ex (at least during this adjusting times) to take care of kids (as she did before) and have my life with husband (hopefully, the ex would start to make enough in future to cover expenses or husband would make more money; situation might change).

Great article, Not really sure how the relationship was when they actually lived together, however it must not have been that good if he came to america in search of the american dream. And heaven forbid I ask. From what I have gathered from his sisters it was not a good relationship to start with. She was all about the money and status it gave her ( this is what I was told ). I know they were not even living together before he came here 7 years ago. Hindsight does me no good as I am truly in love with this man. As I stated things are pretty tense right now. He does not want me doing anything for the kids, I guess he prefers they walk home in the rain from school rahter than me picking them up. Well this is also to an extent his fault. We signed the 11 yr up for afterschool however he had a hissy fit and refused to go and well now he is a latch key kid with his brother. I would have made my child go to after school it is a sense of at least knowing where your child is and is not imposing on the older one either who needs a life.

How I wish my husband could truly understand this story. We will keep plugging along for now and hope for the best.

We have been house hunting but in reality right now I donot think this is a good idea because if we can not fix this then there is no use staying togehter. I just hope I still have a postition in our Florida office.

Thanks EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

I am sorry to hear you're having these problems. I am even sorrier that some people are pulling out the old 'you knew what you were getting into'.

Guess what - you DON'T always know what you're getting into. You assume the ex will continue to live in another country, or you assume he won't be on the phone every single day with her, or you assume he won't guilt-parent. Or you assume that as the person he has decided to spend his life with, he might actually *gasp* consider your feelings when he makes decisions concerning his kids and ex-wife or consult you.

Read this - it's written by a man and I think it really relates to your situation:

http://www.steptogether.org/emotionaladultery.html

[warriorprincess 0]

You say she has only been in the US for 2.5 months, how did she come to the US ? on which visa or is she a USC? something just dont sound right, he has no contact with his kids for years and then all of a suden his ex and his kids move to the US and the kids now live with him and his ex is just living here? am I missing some vital but of information?

I have been wondering the same thing as I was reading. Why does he feel that he has to take care of her? YOU are his wife not HER. His first loyalty should be to you, even if she is the mother of his children.

[cnfused 0]

You say she has only been in the US for 2.5 months, how did she come to the US ? on which visa or is she a USC? something just dont sound right, he has no contact with his kids for years and then all of a suden his ex and his kids move to the US and the kids now live with him and his ex is just living here? am I missing some vital but of information?

I have been wondering the same thing as I was reading. Why does he feel that he has to take care of her? YOU are his wife not HER. His first loyalty should be to you, even if she is the mother of his children.

Asked and answered . She has been here now 6 months.

[cnfused 0]

Sounds like everybody is adjusting to new situation-you, husband, kids, ex. I would probably ask husband to send kids to live with mother since she knows better how to handle them. I would let husband support all of them; so, the ex can rent large enough place for her and kids. Since he is not making that much, looks like the ex still would need to work (kids are not that small-can take care of themselve while she is at work). Maybe it is less money for your family but could be less headache too. The ex would be busy with kids and work -less talking to husband. You would come home and sped time as you pleased without the need to discipline grownup not-yours kids. Husband would have more time for you and maybe would figure how to make more money.

Maybe I am wrong but would rather pay the husband's ex (at least during this adjusting times) to take care of kids (as she did before) and have my life with husband (hopefully, the ex would start to make enough in future to cover expenses or husband would make more money; situation might change).

Great article, Not really sure how the relationship was when they actually lived together, however it must not have been that good if he came to america in search of the american dream. And heaven forbid I ask. From what I have gathered from his sisters it was not a good relationship to start with. She was all about the money and status it gave her ( this is what I was told ). I know they were not even living together before he came here 7 years ago. Hindsight does me no good as I am truly in love with this man. As I stated things are pretty tense right now. He does not want me doing anything for the kids, I guess he prefers they walk home in the rain from school rahter than me picking them up. Well this is also to an extent his fault. We signed the 11 yr up for afterschool however he had a hissy fit and refused to go and well now he is a latch key kid with his brother. I would have made my child go to after school it is a sense of at least knowing where your child is and is not imposing on the older one either who needs a life.

How I wish my husband could truly understand this story. We will keep plugging along for now and hope for the best.

We have been house hunting but in reality right now I donot think this is a good idea because if we can not fix this then there is no use staying togehter. I just hope I still have a postition in our Florida office.

Thanks EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

I am sorry to hear you're having these problems. I am even sorrier that some people are pulling out the old 'you knew what you were getting into'.

Guess what - you DON'T always know what you're getting into. You assume the ex will continue to live in another country, or you assume he won't be on the phone every single day with her, or you assume he won't guilt-parent. Or you assume that as the person he has decided to spend his life with, he might actually *gasp* consider your feelings when he makes decisions concerning his kids and ex-wife or consult you.

Read this - it's written by a man and I think it really relates to your situation:

http://www.steptogether.org/emotionaladultery.html

If it was that easy it would have been done, as I have said in some of my posts she does not know how to look for an an apartment on her own. I am willing to help but not hold her hand the whole time that is for sure. If he had to support the whole family there would be nothing for my household. I am the bread winner and with this bread I help him , the kids and my daughter who is in college. I feel the miunte he starts this she will just keep taking.

[russian_armenian 4]

Cnfused,

you are a good hearted woman and you are doing a lot. Most of us would probably already gave up. Sounds like he will always think/take care of his ex (does not mean that he feels for her; he was prob raised that way-being a responsible man). You are strong-he does not feel/understand that he needs to help you out too. My simpathy is with you. But, please, put your needs first. You deserve it.

Sounds like everybody is adjusting to new situation-you, husband, kids, ex. I would probably ask husband to send kids to live with mother since she knows better how to handle them. I would let husband support all of them; so, the ex can rent large enough place for her and kids. Since he is not making that much, looks like the ex still would need to work (kids are not that small-can take care of themselve while she is at work). Maybe it is less money for your family but could be less headache too. The ex would be busy with kids and work -less talking to husband. You would come home and sped time as you pleased without the need to discipline grownup not-yours kids. Husband would have more time for you and maybe would figure how to make more money.

Maybe I am wrong but would rather pay the husband's ex (at least during this adjusting times) to take care of kids (as she did before) and have my life with husband (hopefully, the ex would start to make enough in future to cover expenses or husband would make more money; situation might change).

Great article, Not really sure how the relationship was when they actually lived together, however it must not have been that good if he came to america in search of the american dream. And heaven forbid I ask. From what I have gathered from his sisters it was not a good relationship to start with. She was all about the money and status it gave her ( this is what I was told ). I know they were not even living together before he came here 7 years ago. Hindsight does me no good as I am truly in love with this man. As I stated things are pretty tense right now. He does not want me doing anything for the kids, I guess he prefers they walk home in the rain from school rahter than me picking them up. Well this is also to an extent his fault. We signed the 11 yr up for afterschool however he had a hissy fit and refused to go and well now he is a latch key kid with his brother. I would have made my child go to after school it is a sense of at least knowing where your child is and is not imposing on the older one either who needs a life.

How I wish my husband could truly understand this story. We will keep plugging along for now and hope for the best.

We have been house hunting but in reality right now I donot think this is a good idea because if we can not fix this then there is no use staying togehter. I just hope I still have a postition in our Florida office.

Thanks EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

I am sorry to hear you're having these problems. I am even sorrier that some people are pulling out the old 'you knew what you were getting into'.

Guess what - you DON'T always know what you're getting into. You assume the ex will continue to live in another country, or you assume he won't be on the phone every single day with her, or you assume he won't guilt-parent. Or you assume that as the person he has decided to spend his life with, he might actually *gasp* consider your feelings when he makes decisions concerning his kids and ex-wife or consult you.

Read this - it's written by a man and I think it really relates to your situation:

http://www.steptogether.org/emotionaladultery.html

If it was that easy it would have been done, as I have said in some of my posts she does not know how to look for an an apartment on her own. I am willing to help but not hold her hand the whole time that is for sure. If he had to support the whole family there would be nothing for my household. I am the bread winner and with this bread I help him , the kids and my daughter who is in college. I feel the miunte he starts this she will just keep taking.

[cnfused 0]

Thanks I am still plugging along. Some days are good and others are just BLAH.......... Trying to work things out to the best of my ability but not sure how it will go. I also miss my Daughter I left in Florida ( She is 18 ) and maybe that will be one of the factors I look into.

[cnfused 0]

Well my fellow VJ"er here is the rest of the story.

Had a major talk the other night and flat out asked him what is the deal with the kids, he is allowing them to do as they please as if they were still in Colombia and not in the US. There are certain laws that pertain to Children that when I try to exlain to him he shuts me out. We have had a few problems with the little one and some books he should have read but never did over the summer. I suggested also that the 12 year old be placed in an after school program as it is not good for a 12 yr old to be running around until say 6pm when we get home. The conversation got around to differnt things about the kids and basically it ending up being that I am not allowed to be a part of their lives and end of story. I currently have no where to go so I am still in the horrible place that is supposed to be my home. I tried to understand that the kids come from a totally differnt culture however there are LAWS here and I will not risk going to Jail because his kids do what ever the heck they want.

There are problems sometimes that involve the kids who are my responsibilty and of course I am never included in any discussion however the EX is in everyhting. I asked , beg and cry for some type of communication from him and get maybe 3 words during whatever discussion we are having and the ex gets 20-30 minutes of phone time. I am so Depressed right now and do not know what to do. HELP I am dying inside