Did I do the right thing

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Would your husband be open to counseling? Perhaps hearing some of the concerns you have addressed from another person might make it clearer to him why his behaviour is causing you difficulties. Perhaps you can negotiate with him - recognize that his ex is a 'stranger in a strange land' for now, and set a 'time limit' on how long he can help her establish herself in the US - ie, she has to become self-sufficient within x number of months and he stops helping her after that. Perhaps if you are willing to allow him to help her with the understanding that after that time she has to be helping herself he will be more considerate of your position.

What is the ex's means of support? How come she is here and on her own? Did you say she had married an American and then decided it didn't work out and left him when she arrived? If her ex hadn't been so handy, do you think she would have stayed with her new husband and tried to make it work? He should be the one supporting her and helping her out now, not your husband. What would she be doing if he wasn't around?

A threesome in a marriage is never healthy - that is what you husband has to come to see and that is why I wonder if counseling would help. Good luck.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

On re-reading my post it seems a bit harsh, sorry. You didn't ask to be in this situation and I can certainly relate to your frustration. I hope you'll be able to work things out with your husband and his children and I'm wishing you the best and give you a virtual hug.

No worries I did not take it in any ill way. I put myself out here and hope for some light to be shed and it is coming. I do understand your point, it is however difficult to adjust in this relationship. The hardest thing is my husband is pretty closed and had he maybe been a little clearer ( even Now ) some of these feelings would not have come to the point they have. This is something he and he only can change if and when he chooses to , where as I on the other hand am very vocal on any and every thing. Thanks for your point of view also.

But see there are steps she can take ( the EX ) that have not happened and I feel by him contining to be johnny on the spot they never will. she has been here five months and has not even taken an English class? I have spoken to her to an extent and say take the class all it can do is help you in the long run, but I guess she is so Timid it scares her? Have no clue but she needs to get off the pot cause she has sat there for a while and if he does not put his foot down to an extent then she never will.

While I can see how having an ex-wife in your daily lives isn't the ldyllic marriage situation, surely having married a man who has children with this woman, you should have expected that there would be occasions when she would be present in your daily lives. Sometimes I think people that are in second marriages forget that the new spouse, and the step-children, have a right to a life with both parents involved. The fact that your husband is willing to participate and help his ex-wife can be viewed as a positive and not only as a negative. Are you sure it isn't perhaps a sense of insecurity on your part that is fueling your concerns?

[cnfused 0]

On re-reading my post it seems a bit harsh, sorry. You didn't ask to be in this situation and I can certainly relate to your frustration. I hope you'll be able to work things out with your husband and his children and I'm wishing you the best and give you a virtual hug.

No worries I did not take it in any ill way. I put myself out here and hope for some light to be shed and it is coming. I do understand your point, it is however difficult to adjust in this relationship. The hardest thing is my husband is pretty closed and had he maybe been a little clearer ( even Now ) some of these feelings would not have come to the point they have. This is something he and he only can change if and when he chooses to , where as I on the other hand am very vocal on any and every thing. Thanks for your point of view also.

But see there are steps she can take ( the EX ) that have not happened and I feel by him contining to be johnny on the spot they never will. she has been here five months and has not even taken an English class? I have spoken to her to an extent and say take the class all it can do is help you in the long run, but I guess she is so Timid it scares her? Have no clue but she needs to get off the pot cause she has sat there for a while and if he does not put his foot down to an extent then she never will.

While I can see how having an ex-wife in your daily lives isn't the ldyllic marriage situation, surely having married a man who has children with this woman, you should have expected that there would be occasions when she would be present in your daily lives. Sometimes I think people that are in second marriages forget that the new spouse, and the step-children, have a right to a life with both parents involved. The fact that your husband is willing to participate and help his ex-wife can be viewed as a positive and not only as a negative. Are you sure it isn't perhaps a sense of insecurity on your part that is fueling your concerns?

Very and extremly insightful the information I have gotten. I understood marrying a man with kids came with a package however I did not think the package would be SO BIG!! Now I have to try and change things inside myself as far as comments I make to myself out load and see how I can fix this broken piece of my marriage and life. This will be a rough road however with the help of here and within myself I feel I should be OK.

diadromous yes may there is insecurity there and I do not know how to handle it either as this is the first time in my life I have made a commitment outside of just raising my daughter. Hopefully we can work this out and go forward and not back.

[carpe diem 2]

Maybe one way to think about it is that this is an adjustment for everyone-- for your husband, his children, his ex, but also for you. Don't expect everything to just fall into place. It's going to require hard work from everybody and there's no reason to put up with laziness, rude behavior or excuses, but do try to give it time and cut yourself and each other some slack. Also it's easy to ascribe good intentions to yourself and bad ones to others, but often giving others the benefit of doubt is more productive, as people also respond to their environment and the expectations and judgments they sense others place on them. Now if only I could apply these insights consistently to my own dealings with other people...

Edited May 20, 2008 by carpe diem

[*JG* 2]

On re-reading my post it seems a bit harsh, sorry. You didn't ask to be in this situation and I can certainly relate to your frustration. I hope you'll be able to work things out with your husband and his children and I'm wishing you the best and give you a virtual hug.

No worries I did not take it in any ill way. I put myself out here and hope for some light to be shed and it is coming. I do understand your point, it is however difficult to adjust in this relationship. The hardest thing is my husband is pretty closed and had he maybe been a little clearer ( even Now ) some of these feelings would not have come to the point they have. This is something he and he only can change if and when he chooses to , where as I on the other hand am very vocal on any and every thing. Thanks for your point of view also.

But see there are steps she can take ( the EX ) that have not happened and I feel by him contining to be johnny on the spot they never will. she has been here five months and has not even taken an English class? I have spoken to her to an extent and say take the class all it can do is help you in the long run, but I guess she is so Timid it scares her? Have no clue but she needs to get off the pot cause she has sat there for a while and if he does not put his foot down to an extent then she never will.

While I can see how having an ex-wife in your daily lives isn't the ldyllic marriage situation, surely having married a man who has children with this woman, you should have expected that there would be occasions when she would be present in your daily lives. Sometimes I think people that are in second marriages forget that the new spouse, and the step-children, have a right to a life with both parents involved. The fact that your husband is willing to participate and help his ex-wife can be viewed as a positive and not only as a negative. Are you sure it isn't perhaps a sense of insecurity on your part that is fueling your concerns?

While I agree with this somewhat, every single day is too much. Come on now. That's just rude and clingy behavior from the ex. I am an ex myself and I have a great relationship with him. While I talk to him weekly, sometimes more then once, it is short and to the point. He's not my best buddy or anything.

I don't feel it is insecurity to question these daily gab sessions. It is disrespectful to the current wife.

[BMJ 0]

Ok, so maybe I am way off base but if his ex-wife has never been to the USA before, then it could be a simple matter of a comfort zone. That does NOT mean she wants him back.

I kind of understand the calling (though not every 20 mins) to ask for help.

My ex-husband and I broke up over 6 years ago, and there are STILL times when I have called him to ask questions on how to do this or that. *I* am the one that broke it off with my ex, I never want to live with him, but before I was divorced I had always been a stay at home mom. I had never had to have a job before. When I knew I wanted a divorce I went out and got a job, but I still did not know how to do a lot of things. I ended up calling my ex a lot to ask questions about where do I get the oil changed at? my car wont start, what could be wrong? my computer is messing up, what can I do? stuff like that.

I called him because I did not know who else to call. We were living in an area we had only moved to recently and I was scared and feeling all alone and did not know who else to turn to for help. I would have LOVED to call on anyone but my ex, but I just didnt know who to turn to.

Now that I have Mark, I can ask him things, however, when my car broke down, I asked my ex what to do because Mark has never driven a car before. I love Mark beyond words, but how could he help me about a car problem if he hasnt had to deal with a car before?

So, maybe you can try to be understanding with his ex. I doubt that she wants to be back with him, she more than likely just doesnt know who else to talk to or ask and is worried.

As for the children... it can be very hard adjusting to life in another country, you and your husband need to get on the same page. A good way to do that would be to sit down when you are both calm and in a good mood and make a list of house rules. Make sure you both agree to the house rules (no throwing clothes on the floor, etc). After the house rules are made, think of how you will inforce them, and both of you have to agree to this. For instance, my son has to fold the laundry, if he forgets he loses tv for the day. If my daughter forgets to clean the kitchen she ends up loses the computer for a day. Basically I look for what they like the most and take that away for the day. Once you and your husband come up with the house rules, you should call a family meeting and BOTH you and your husband should explain the house rules and what will happen if they do not follow them. This way, you are not reacting in the moment and the kids know what to expect and your husband will have no choice but to support you since he helped agree to the rules as well.

Good luck!

[morocco4ever 63]

I agree that she is probably scared that she is in a foreign country and doesn't know how to do things. Some people take the initiative to find out how to do it themselves while others will lean on anyone that will let them. To continue to let her doesn't help this person nor does it help the marriage.

It reminds me of when my shy daughter was about 17. We went to a restaurant and we all ordered. She told me what she wanted so I could order it for her. I basically told her that if she is hungry enough she will do it herself. Silly lesson, but she wasn't about to do it for herself if I would do it. Here she is now at the age of 23. She is successful, and is able to handle things on her own. She remembers this lesson well, and admits that this is exactly what she needed to get over her nervousness. Does she still get nervous to do things on her own? Yes, but she knows now she can do it.

This women needs to be told how to do ithings since it is a new country, but she needs to do things HERSELF. The fact that she has never had to deal with every day life before is lame.

Edited May 20, 2008 by morocco4ever

[cnfused 0]

Ok, so maybe I am way off base but if his ex-wife has never been to the USA before, then it could be a simple matter of a comfort zone. That does NOT mean she wants him back.

I kind of understand the calling (though not every 20 mins) to ask for help.

My ex-husband and I broke up over 6 years ago, and there are STILL times when I have called him to ask questions on how to do this or that. *I* am the one that broke it off with my ex, I never want to live with him, but before I was divorced I had always been a stay at home mom. I had never had to have a job before. When I knew I wanted a divorce I went out and got a job, but I still did not know how to do a lot of things. I ended up calling my ex a lot to ask questions about where do I get the oil changed at? my car wont start, what could be wrong? my computer is messing up, what can I do? stuff like that.

I called him because I did not know who else to call. We were living in an area we had only moved to recently and I was scared and feeling all alone and did not know who else to turn to for help. I would have LOVED to call on anyone but my ex, but I just didnt know who to turn to.

Now that I have Mark, I can ask him things, however, when my car broke down, I asked my ex what to do because Mark has never driven a car before. I love Mark beyond words, but how could he help me about a car problem if he hasnt had to deal with a car before?

So, maybe you can try to be understanding with his ex. I doubt that she wants to be back with him, she more than likely just doesnt know who else to talk to or ask and is worried.

As for the children... it can be very hard adjusting to life in another country, you and your husband need to get on the same page. A good way to do that would be to sit down when you are both calm and in a good mood and make a list of house rules. Make sure you both agree to the house rules (no throwing clothes on the floor, etc). After the house rules are made, think of how you will inforce them, and both of you have to agree to this. For instance, my son has to fold the laundry, if he forgets he loses tv for the day. If my daughter forgets to clean the kitchen she ends up loses the computer for a day. Basically I look for what they like the most and take that away for the day. Once you and your husband come up with the house rules, you should call a family meeting and BOTH you and your husband should explain the house rules and what will happen if they do not follow them. This way, you are not reacting in the moment and the kids know what to expect and your husband will have no choice but to support you since he helped agree to the rules as well.

Good luck!

This is definatly a differnt point of view as you were as she was a stay at home mom, however had your ex had a wife would you have still called? Would he have helped? I will see the phone bill at the end of the month to see how the calls are going as he has stated it is down from where it was before. I hate the fact that I look at the phne bill to see if he is telling the truth however I will not be blind when my eyes are already open. Yes this is her first time in the US or any country for that matter and where she came from she had the support of my husbands family 100 percent and spent a lot of time with them there. When we ask the oldest to do the dishes he puts a face however he does do them. The dad asks nothing of the 11 year old and I state this is wrong. Things are a little bad right now between us due to the recent happenings so as far as the sit down it may have to wait a few days. It was raining the other day when the kids got off from school and he told me not to pick them upo as he did not want me to have to do anything for them WOW but I know this stems from the recent dispute and I will broach this soon.

Thanks

[NYPeach 13]

I am sorry to hear you're having these problems. I am even sorrier that some people are pulling out the old 'you knew what you were getting into'.

Guess what - you DON'T always know what you're getting into. You assume the ex will continue to live in another country, or you assume he won't be on the phone every single day with her, or you assume he won't guilt-parent. Or you assume that as the person he has decided to spend his life with, he might actually *gasp* consider your feelings when he makes decisions concerning his kids and ex-wife or consult you.

Read this - it's written by a man and I think it really relates to your situation:

http://www.steptogether.org/emotionaladultery.html

[cnfused 0]

Great article, Not really sure how the relationship was when they actually lived together, however it must not have been that good if he came to america in search of the american dream. And heaven forbid I ask. From what I have gathered from his sisters it was not a good relationship to start with. She was all about the money and status it gave her ( this is what I was told ). I know they were not even living together before he came here 7 years ago. Hindsight does me no good as I am truly in love with this man. As I stated things are pretty tense right now. He does not want me doing anything for the kids, I guess he prefers they walk home in the rain from school rahter than me picking them up. Well this is also to an extent his fault. We signed the 11 yr up for afterschool however he had a hissy fit and refused to go and well now he is a latch key kid with his brother. I would have made my child go to after school it is a sense of at least knowing where your child is and is not imposing on the older one either who needs a life.

How I wish my husband could truly understand this story. We will keep plugging along for now and hope for the best.

We have been house hunting but in reality right now I donot think this is a good idea because if we can not fix this then there is no use staying togehter. I just hope I still have a postition in our Florida office.

Thanks EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

I am sorry to hear you're having these problems. I am even sorrier that some people are pulling out the old 'you knew what you were getting into'.

Guess what - you DON'T always know what you're getting into. You assume the ex will continue to live in another country, or you assume he won't be on the phone every single day with her, or you assume he won't guilt-parent. Or you assume that as the person he has decided to spend his life with, he might actually *gasp* consider your feelings when he makes decisions concerning his kids and ex-wife or consult you.

Read this - it's written by a man and I think it really relates to your situation:

http://www.steptogether.org/emotionaladultery.html

[Kiv 32]

cnfused

Just want to say that for what I read.

I think you are a very good person.

I hope your husband can appreciate it before it is late for him.

I wish everything gets better for you.

[Lisax 0]

You say she has only been in the US for 2.5 months, how did she come to the US ? on which visa or is she a USC? something just dont sound right, he has no contact with his kids for years and then all of a suden his ex and his kids move to the US and the kids now live with him and his ex is just living here? am I missing some vital but of information?

You do not know the half of it so here goes.

I married my husband in April 2007 applied in May 2007 he had his LPR by Septemember 2007

She ( the Ex ) met an married a USC in 2004 her CR1 Visa ( now IR ) came through Last year in March ( did not get into the details of why it took so long ). At the time the person she married did not have the sponsoship to bring the kids. I met my husband in Sept of 2006 so I knew about this part but I was more than willing once I got married to him to bring the kids ( the 864 is not an issue for me ). She came for good in Dec 2007 and however she is no longer with the USC ( yeah a little fishy to me too ) but any who I was gung ho about getting my husband back together with his kids and understood they would live with us supposedly a month, well the month came and went and here we are. I was extremly adament to the fact that he would not be her support ( he can barely support himself ) when she arrived her last year. I brought to his attention the fact that for the last year until she arrived he never spoke to her as much as he does now and the kids are not even with her. so #######. She has a bad day becasue of the shock of having to work for a living and sends hin lenghty text messages, I tell him that it is his resposibilty to lether this is not wanted from her. However some of the times he is the one initiating the call. So I guess I might be being taken for a ride? I donot know as I have stated to hin that if he does not want to be with me let me know and I willmore than happliy make sure not to contest when he and the kids lift conditions as we have many things co mingled.

he has another son out of wedlock but he turned 18 a month before we married so now he is applying for that child and it will take 5-6 years.

Wow what a situation. You need to protect yourself and your home just in case. it does seem a bit odd that his entire family are now in the US and he appears to want to focus on his ex more than on you, but I could be totally wrong here, I hope so.

Good Luck

I agree, it's very odd.

[Lisax 0]

On re-reading my post it seems a bit harsh, sorry. You didn't ask to be in this situation and I can certainly relate to your frustration. I hope you'll be able to work things out with your husband and his children and I'm wishing you the best and give you a virtual hug.

No worries I did not take it in any ill way. I put myself out here and hope for some light to be shed and it is coming. I do understand your point, it is however difficult to adjust in this relationship. The hardest thing is my husband is pretty closed and had he maybe been a little clearer ( even Now ) some of these feelings would not have come to the point they have. This is something he and he only can change if and when he chooses to , where as I on the other hand am very vocal on any and every thing. Thanks for your point of view also.

But see there are steps she can take ( the EX ) that have not happened and I feel by him contining to be johnny on the spot they never will. she has been here five months and has not even taken an English class? I have spoken to her to an extent and say take the class all it can do is help you in the long run, but I guess she is so Timid it scares her? Have no clue but she needs to get off the pot cause she has sat there for a while and if he does not put his foot down to an extent then she never will.

While I can see how having an ex-wife in your daily lives isn't the ldyllic marriage situation, surely having married a man who has children with this woman, you should have expected that there would be occasions when she would be present in your daily lives. Sometimes I think people that are in second marriages forget that the new spouse, and the step-children, have a right to a life with both parents involved. The fact that your husband is willing to participate and help his ex-wife can be viewed as a positive and not only as a negative. Are you sure it isn't perhaps a sense of insecurity on your part that is fueling your concerns?

This woman, the ex, is being waaaaaaay to clingy! how old is she?? hello! she has never grown up from the sounds of it and yet she has kids of her own. I'd be pissed if my husbands ex kept calling and calling and calling him. Yes the kids live with them, but see now is the chance for her to sort her life out! my god! yet another person who is so immature, this ex needs to move on and grow up and act like a adult! a mature one, not a clingy 3 year old, who is scared to be left at the day care when mommy and daddy go away for the day!

[amalitta 0]

Guess what - you DON'T always know what you're getting into. You assume the ex will continue to live in another country, or you assume he won't be on the phone every single day with her, or you assume he won't guilt-parent. Or you assume that as the person he has decided to spend his life with, he might actually *gasp* consider your feelings when he makes decisions concerning his kids and ex-wife or consult you.

Read this - it's written by a man and I think it really relates to your situation:

http://www.steptogether.org/emotionaladultery.html

Good point! I totally agree with you and love the article..

[Peggy 1]

I have been in the US three years on May 24.

I still have MAJOR issues with my step children. Blended families are not easy at all.

My step children are 20, 18 and 12. Sometimes they act like they are 5.

Good luck to you.