I'm a trouble for him.

[cdneh 3,112]

Fabian ... jai yen yen, ok? mai kit mak! You are not a bother, you both will figure this out together.

For the rest ... you are looking at this thru the wrong set of glasses, she is doing exactly what she is supposed to do, that is how she was brought up. You cannot tell a Thai woman that it is NOT her responsibility to be thankful for the ultimate sacrifice that her parents made to give her life and to take care of them. That is solely a western value, not a Thai value. Nam-jai (generosity) and gat-tan-yu (honor your debts) are two core values in Thai culture that do not have equivalents in western culture. Her fiancee/husband must accept and appreciate how important this is to her, and make sure that their relationship never comes into conflict with this, because he will ultimately loose. That is why she said it might be better for her to stay in Thailand if he cannot do this. It doesn't matter when or how this was brought up, she brought it up at the right time according to her belief. Telling her to abandon her entire belief system by thinking like a westerner is not good advice.

I do see where you are coming from and understand that is the way she has been brought up, her culture. However it is not her future husbands culture and this should of been talked through along time ago.

pushbrk Posted Today, 09:22 PM

Horse feathers. Those values are in every culture with which I am familiar. Also, in both the Thai and Western cultures, exist the principle of respecting the needs and desires of your spouse in a "mutual" way.

Horse feathers?

Horsefeathers! Haven't heard that in a while...

[BishopMnA 0]

I’m waiting for the P4 from TH embassy now. It takes almost a month but I haven’t heard any thing from them yet, so glad that we’re almost there.

But seem like thing is getting worse, after I’ve discussed with him about the plan and my future life. As I’ve been telling him about my big responsibility as my mom, house, car and all expense that I have now. It’s around $1200 per month that I need him to support my mom and my thing while I’m going to be in USA with him. I know that it’s a lot, crazy and tough for him to handle that. He’s a specialist in Film Service Company in Burbank. I don’t know how much that he made. But I didn’t feel good at all to pass this thing to him, how am I suppose to do while I’m waiting for my work permit and greed card, since I’m going to be such a useless, no work and no money almost a year. He’s so depressed and sad now. Even I tried to cheer him up and figured out about this problem, but he still feels the same.

Only I know is I love him and I want to spend my life with him. But if I go there I’m going to be a trouble for him for a year. I just feel like I should stay here, and live with my real world. I don’t know what to do. I need your help on this…

I'm married to a wonderful Thai woman, and she had a similar situation when we first met about 5 years ago. However, she did tell me about it WAY in advance, which helped. With that said, lets just say that the Thai culture is wondefully unique, and $1200/month to sustain a family and all the bills in Thailand is not outrageous. Cars in Thailand are not cheap, and homes cost money as well. Think about it, $1200/month in the USA just basically pays rent...

Anyways...you can get your work permit (EAD) easily after being in the USA for about 3-6 months. And, you'll be able to get a job in the USA and make $1200/month very easily as well. Perhaps your husband can cover the expenses during that short time frame. That shouldn't be too much of a burden. It might be a good suggestion though to talk to your husband about this more. For example, you and he might have to come to the understanding that once you are in the USA and working, that you may need to send ALL of your paycheck back to Thailand. See how he feels about that...because he might not have anticipated it.

Luckily for my wife and I, we've now paid off her house and car so we're in good shape ;-) So...the same thing will happen to you...you'll eventually have that car paid off...and eventually he'll have a wonderful house/car/life waiting for him all year round in Thailand...plus...most importantly, he'll have YOU! Thats pretty priceless, if he really loves you

God's/Buddha's Peace to you!

MarkNAAm

[pushbrk 12,910]

I’m waiting for the P4 from TH embassy now. It takes almost a month but I haven’t heard any thing from them yet, so glad that we’re almost there.

But seem like thing is getting worse, after I’ve discussed with him about the plan and my future life. As I’ve been telling him about my big responsibility as my mom, house, car and all expense that I have now. It’s around $1200 per month that I need him to support my mom and my thing while I’m going to be in USA with him. I know that it’s a lot, crazy and tough for him to handle that. He’s a specialist in Film Service Company in Burbank. I don’t know how much that he made. But I didn’t feel good at all to pass this thing to him, how am I suppose to do while I’m waiting for my work permit and greed card, since I’m going to be such a useless, no work and no money almost a year. He’s so depressed and sad now. Even I tried to cheer him up and figured out about this problem, but he still feels the same.

Only I know is I love him and I want to spend my life with him. But if I go there I’m going to be a trouble for him for a year. I just feel like I should stay here, and live with my real world. I don’t know what to do. I need your help on this…

I'm married to a wonderful Thai woman, and she had a similar situation when we first met about 5 years ago. However, she did tell me about it WAY in advance, which helped. With that said, lets just say that the Thai culture is wondefully unique, and $1200/month to sustain a family and all the bills in Thailand is not outrageous. Cars in Thailand are not cheap, and homes cost money as well. Think about it, $1200/month in the USA just basically pays rent...

Anyways...you can get your work permit (EAD) easily after being in the USA for about 3-6 months. And, you'll be able to get a job in the USA and make $1200/month very easily as well. Perhaps your husband can cover the expenses during that short time frame. That shouldn't be too much of a burden. It might be a good suggestion though to talk to your husband about this more. For example, you and he might have to come to the understanding that once you are in the USA and working, that you may need to send ALL of your paycheck back to Thailand. See how he feels about that...because he might not have anticipated it.

Luckily for my wife and I, we've now paid off her house and car so we're in good shape ;-) So...the same thing will happen to you...you'll eventually have that car paid off...and eventually he'll have a wonderful house/car/life waiting for him all year round in Thailand...plus...most importantly, he'll have YOU! Thats pretty priceless, if he really loves you

God's/Buddha's Peace to you!

MarkNAAm

The amount may or may not be reasonable. It is what it is. The problem is the delay in and lack of communication and those things will bring problems to any marriage regardless of culture or cultures mixed.

[Ning 619]

Fabian ... jai yen yen, ok? mai kit mak! You are not a bother, you both will figure this out together.

For the rest ... you are looking at this thru the wrong set of glasses, she is doing exactly what she is supposed to do, that is how she was brought up. You cannot tell a Thai woman that it is NOT her responsibility to be thankful for the ultimate sacrifice that her parents made to give her life and to take care of them. That is solely a western value, not a Thai value. Nam-jai (generosity) and gat-tan-yu (honor your debts) are two core values in Thai culture that do not have equivalents in western culture. Her fiancee/husband must accept and appreciate how important this is to her, and make sure that their relationship never comes into conflict with this, because he will ultimately loose. That is why she said it might be better for her to stay in Thailand if he cannot do this. It doesn't matter when or how this was brought up, she brought it up at the right time according to her belief. Telling her to abandon her entire belief system by thinking like a westerner is not good advice.

I do see where you are coming from and understand that is the way she has been brought up, her culture. However it is not her future husbands culture and this should of been talked through along time ago.

pushbrk Posted Today, 09:22 PM

Horse feathers. Those values are in every culture with which I am familiar. Also, in both the Thai and Western cultures, exist the principle of respecting the needs and desires of your spouse in a "mutual" way.

Horse feathers?

YES. He wanted to say horse sxxt because thats what this is.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

I’m waiting for the P4 from TH embassy now. It takes almost a month but I haven’t heard any thing from them yet, so glad that we’re almost there.

But seem like thing is getting worse, after I’ve discussed with him about the plan and my future life. As I’ve been telling him about my big responsibility as my mom, house, car and all expense that I have now. It’s around $1200 per month that I need him to support my mom and my thing while I’m going to be in USA with him. I know that it’s a lot, crazy and tough for him to handle that. He’s a specialist in Film Service Company in Burbank. I don’t know how much that he made. But I didn’t feel good at all to pass this thing to him, how am I suppose to do while I’m waiting for my work permit and greed card, since I’m going to be such a useless, no work and no money almost a year. He’s so depressed and sad now. Even I tried to cheer him up and figured out about this problem, but he still feels the same.

Only I know is I love him and I want to spend my life with him. But if I go there I’m going to be a trouble for him for a year. I just feel like I should stay here, and live with my real world. I don’t know what to do. I need your help on this…

I'm married to a wonderful Thai woman, and she had a similar situation when we first met about 5 years ago. However, she did tell me about it WAY in advance, which helped. With that said, lets just say that the Thai culture is wondefully unique, and $1200/month to sustain a family and all the bills in Thailand is not outrageous. Cars in Thailand are not cheap, and homes cost money as well. Think about it, $1200/month in the USA just basically pays rent...

Anyways...you can get your work permit (EAD) easily after being in the USA for about 3-6 months. And, you'll be able to get a job in the USA and make $1200/month very easily as well. Perhaps your husband can cover the expenses during that short time frame. That shouldn't be too much of a burden. It might be a good suggestion though to talk to your husband about this more. For example, you and he might have to come to the understanding that once you are in the USA and working, that you may need to send ALL of your paycheck back to Thailand. See how he feels about that...because he might not have anticipated it.

Luckily for my wife and I, we've now paid off her house and car so we're in good shape ;-) So...the same thing will happen to you...you'll eventually have that car paid off...and eventually he'll have a wonderful house/car/life waiting for him all year round in Thailand...plus...most importantly, he'll have YOU! Thats pretty priceless, if he really loves you

God's/Buddha's Peace to you!

MarkNAAm

The amount may or may not be reasonable. It is what it is. The problem is the delay in and lack of communication and those things will bring problems to any marriage regardless of culture or cultures mixed.

All that may be correct, but, isn't one aspect of faling in love with a member of a society elsewhere in the world to want to learn about his or her culture? I agree that the OP might have fared better by disclosing the depth of her soon-to-be husband's moral and ethical obligation to her and her family, but isn't it just as important for him to have becoms informed on his own? I can't fathom getting to this point in any relationship without learning something as essential to one's partner's culture and upbringing. It sounds to me as if he knew, but isn't quite sure he can handle the task.

[pushbrk 12,910]

I’m waiting for the P4 from TH embassy now. It takes almost a month but I haven’t heard any thing from them yet, so glad that we’re almost there.

But seem like thing is getting worse, after I’ve discussed with him about the plan and my future life. As I’ve been telling him about my big responsibility as my mom, house, car and all expense that I have now. It’s around $1200 per month that I need him to support my mom and my thing while I’m going to be in USA with him. I know that it’s a lot, crazy and tough for him to handle that. He’s a specialist in Film Service Company in Burbank. I don’t know how much that he made. But I didn’t feel good at all to pass this thing to him, how am I suppose to do while I’m waiting for my work permit and greed card, since I’m going to be such a useless, no work and no money almost a year. He’s so depressed and sad now. Even I tried to cheer him up and figured out about this problem, but he still feels the same.

Only I know is I love him and I want to spend my life with him. But if I go there I’m going to be a trouble for him for a year. I just feel like I should stay here, and live with my real world. I don’t know what to do. I need your help on this…

I'm married to a wonderful Thai woman, and she had a similar situation when we first met about 5 years ago. However, she did tell me about it WAY in advance, which helped. With that said, lets just say that the Thai culture is wondefully unique, and $1200/month to sustain a family and all the bills in Thailand is not outrageous. Cars in Thailand are not cheap, and homes cost money as well. Think about it, $1200/month in the USA just basically pays rent...

Anyways...you can get your work permit (EAD) easily after being in the USA for about 3-6 months. And, you'll be able to get a job in the USA and make $1200/month very easily as well. Perhaps your husband can cover the expenses during that short time frame. That shouldn't be too much of a burden. It might be a good suggestion though to talk to your husband about this more. For example, you and he might have to come to the understanding that once you are in the USA and working, that you may need to send ALL of your paycheck back to Thailand. See how he feels about that...because he might not have anticipated it.

Luckily for my wife and I, we've now paid off her house and car so we're in good shape ;-) So...the same thing will happen to you...you'll eventually have that car paid off...and eventually he'll have a wonderful house/car/life waiting for him all year round in Thailand...plus...most importantly, he'll have YOU! Thats pretty priceless, if he really loves you

God's/Buddha's Peace to you!

MarkNAAm

The amount may or may not be reasonable. It is what it is. The problem is the delay in and lack of communication and those things will bring problems to any marriage regardless of culture or cultures mixed.

All that may be correct, but, isn't one aspect of faling in love with a member of a society elsewhere in the world to want to learn about his or her culture? I agree that the OP might have fared better by disclosing the depth of her soon-to-be husband's moral and ethical obligation to her and her family, but isn't it just as important for him to have becoms informed on his own? I can't fathom getting to this point in any relationship without learning something as essential to one's partner's culture and upbringing. It sounds to me as if he knew, but isn't quite sure he can handle the task.

Yes, of course the responsibility is mutual, meaning neither the OP or her fiance is absolved of responsibility. However, the OP is the one posting about the issue and to whom we are responding.

[MarkNAshley 0]

Why is it required that she have a house and car in Thailand?? I'm curious if this is a cultural thing?? I never would have considered keeping a car and house in Canada after I moved to the USA.

[aravis227 1]

Why is it required that she have a house and car in Thailand?? I'm curious if this is a cultural thing?? I never would have considered keeping a car and house in Canada after I moved to the USA.

If I am understanding correctly it is Thai culture that the youngest/only daughter support the mother (parents?). I agree with the previous posters...the problem here is NOT the support or even how much money that entails. It's the fact that she waited until NOW to disclose the actual amount. I understand the USC being upset about this. I make about 175% the poverty level and the $1200 she JUST sprung on him is almost as much as I bring home a month. I doubt he would have quite as big a problem supporting his future mother-in-law if he had known three months ago that this was expected of him.

And yes, it is partially his responsibility to find these things out about his future wife's culture. It is also HER responsibility to understand HIS culture. Marriage is a two-way street, no one, of any culture, should simply expect someone to follow their rules at the drop of a hat. My fiance would never expect me to do anything like this, nor would I expect it of him unless we had discussed it well in advance...because we RESPECT each other and we TALK regularly about what the future holds and how we're going to survive it TOGETHER.

Edited May 16, 2008 by aravis227

[pj1959us 0]

All that may be correct, but, isn't one aspect of faling in love with a member of a society elsewhere in the world to want to learn about his or her culture? I agree that the OP might have fared better by disclosing the depth of her soon-to-be husband's moral and ethical obligation to her and her family, but isn't it just as important for him to have becoms informed on his own? I can't fathom getting to this point in any relationship without learning something as essential to one's partner's culture and upbringing. It sounds to me as if he knew, but isn't quite sure he can handle the task.

The timeline isn't really clear in the OP's original post about when she brought this up but it doesn't appear there has been an in-depth discussion about finances, which could prove to be very troublesome.

From the OP: I'm waiting for the P4 from TH embassy now. It takes almost a month but I haven't heard any thing from them yet, so glad that we're almost there.

But seem like thing is getting worse, after I've discussed with him about the plan and my future life. As I've been telling him about my big responsibility as my mom, house, car and all expense that I have now. It's around $1200 per month that I need him to support my mom and my thing while I'm going to be in USA with him. I know that it's a lot, crazy and tough for him to handle that. He's a specialist in Film Service Company in Burbank. I don't know how much that he made. But I didn't feel good at all to pass this thing to him, how am I suppose to do while I'm waiting for my work permit and greed card, since I'm going to be such a useless, no work and no money almost a year. He's so depressed and sad now. Even I tried to cheer him up and figured out about this problem, but he still feels the same.

Only I know is I love him and I want to spend my life with him. But if I go there I'm going to be a trouble for him for a year. I just feel like I should stay here, and live with my real world. I don't know what to do. I need your help on this…

I just get the feeling that it's been recent that it was discussed on her part, and even now she doesn't seem to have any idea how much he earns. That, to me, is of a deep concern on how this couple has communicated with each other. Whether it is too much additional expense for her fiance to handle isn't for me to judge, but the timing and the lack of discourse between the two is apparent. To be about to marry and have so little information about such an important aspect of their lives together doesn't bode well if these details are not discussed in great detail, and now, and certainly decisions made before a move to another country and marriage.

PJ

[carpe diem 2]

Let's not forget how easy it is to judge and how hard it really is to understand the relationships of other couples (or even your own relationship, for that matter). For that reason this forum may also not be the best place to seek advice on what are essentially highly personal issues. On the other hand it's a good place for practical advice, like the fact that most immigrants get their EAD cards within three months of filing for AOS.

Yes it probably would have been better for the couple to discuss the financial aspects of their relationship earlier. But who knows why that hasn't happened-- money is a bit of a taboo in many cultures and for many people. And I don't think there's a reason to assume there's something "fishy" going on. The OP feels uncomfortable-- and perhaps appropriately so, but it's easy and not too helpful to just tell her she simply should have brought it up earlier.

For what it's worth, I do know people in Europe and the US who are financially supporting their parents. I would definitely support mine if needed-- and given how much my parents have always done for me it would be an honor to help them. Same for my husband's parents. Of course it's easy to say that when I know I probably will never be in the situation, and I do think that being able to take care of yourself financially is one of the best things you can do at least in Western countries-- a lot of complications enter the relationship when parents are financially dependent on their children and it puts huge pressure on these children and their families.

As an aside, I have to say I'm a bit tired of generalizations -- which thankfully I haven't seen too often here at VJ -- about how great it is to have a spouse from a particular country (as in, your future husband is lucky to have a Thai wife). It's wonderful to be in love with another individual and sure, some countries are better vacation destinations than others and part of the reason why you may fall in love with a person may be that you have some connection with or affinity for that person's country of origin. But it just seems a bit simplistic to say someone's nationality in and of itself makes that person a wonderful spouse, and such thinking is often based on stereotypes that don't do justice to the complexities of each individual.

Sorry I'm a bit grumpy and probably shouldn't post.

To the OP: best of luck and I hope everything works out well for you!

[mnieto 2]

As an aside, I have to say I'm a bit tired of generalizations -- which thankfully I haven't seen too often here at VJ -- about how great it is to have a spouse from a particular country (as in, your future husband is lucky to have a Thai wife). It's wonderful to be in love with another individual and sure, some countries are better vacation destinations than others and part of the reason why you may fall in love with a person may be that you have some connection with or affinity for that person's country of origin. But it just seems a bit simplistic to say someone's nationality in and of itself makes that person a wonderful spouse, and such thinking is often based on stereotypes that don't do justice to the complexities of each individual.

Well said. I couldn't agree more...

Being from a particular country doesn't necessarily make you being sent from heaven

[nane1104 146]

Why is it required that she have a house and car in Thailand?? I'm curious if this is a cultural thing?? I never would have considered keeping a car and house in Canada after I moved to the USA.

If I am understanding correctly it is Thai culture that the youngest/only daughter support the mother (parents?). I agree with the previous posters...the problem here is NOT the support or even how much money that entails. It's the fact that she waited until NOW to disclose the actual amount. I understand the USC being upset about this. I make about 175% the poverty level and the $1200 she JUST sprung on him is almost as much as I bring home a month. I doubt he would have quite as big a problem supporting his future mother-in-law if he had known three months ago that this was expected of him.

And yes, it is partially his responsibility to find these things out about his future wife's culture. It is also HER responsibility to understand HIS culture. Marriage is a two-way street, no one, of any culture, should simply expect someone to follow their rules at the drop of a hat. My fiance would never expect me to do anything like this, nor would I expect it of him unless we had discussed it well in advance...because we RESPECT each other and we TALK regularly about what the future holds and how we're going to survive it TOGETHER.

VERY well said!

[Nutty 2]

Please explain: Do you, ALONE, now currently support your mom with $1200 per month in Thailand?

$1200 Seems like a lot of money for just basic food, living costs in Thailand (I am familiar with Thailand, HAVING LIVED IN BANGKOK).

What exactly what is 'YOUR THING" that needs supporting? This does not make sense or explain.

I'll be honest that $1200.00 is a lot of money to send home every month even by US standards. Please keep in mind 98% of married people in USA, both husband and wife need to work to live in USA. It is not cheap here.

One option is to marry each other and file for CR-1 visa. The process takes longer and you can stay in Thailand and support your family while you are waiting for visa approval. Then when you get CR-1 visa and when you come to USA, you will get work permit 4 weeks after arriving.

[pushbrk 12,910]

Please explain: Do you, ALONE, now currently support your mom with $1200 per month in Thailand?

$1200 Seems like a lot of money for just basic food, living costs in Thailand (I am familiar with Thailand, HAVING LIVED IN BANGKOK).

What exactly what is 'YOUR THING" that needs supporting? This does not make sense or explain.

I'll be honest that $1200.00 is a lot of money to send home every month even by US standards. Please keep in mind 98% of married people in USA, both husband and wife need to work to live in USA. It is not cheap here.

One option is to marry each other and file for CR-1 visa. The process takes longer and you can stay in Thailand and support your family while you are waiting for visa approval. Then when you get CR-1 visa and when you come to USA, you will get work permit 4 weeks after arriving.

It also seems strange that the OP would expect her fiance to provide $1200 a month on no notice, for what she believes would be about a year but has no savings to contribute to the situation.

[morocco4ever 63]

Please explain: Do you, ALONE, now currently support your mom with $1200 per month in Thailand?

$1200 Seems like a lot of money for just basic food, living costs in Thailand (I am familiar with Thailand, HAVING LIVED IN BANGKOK).

What exactly what is 'YOUR THING" that needs supporting? This does not make sense or explain.

I'll be honest that $1200.00 is a lot of money to send home every month even by US standards. Please keep in mind 98% of married people in USA, both husband and wife need to work to live in USA. It is not cheap here.

One option is to marry each other and file for CR-1 visa. The process takes longer and you can stay in Thailand and support your family while you are waiting for visa approval. Then when you get CR-1 visa and when you come to USA, you will get work permit 4 weeks after arriving.

Too many people from other countries believe that we have tons of money here. Well maybe compared to other countries we seem rich, but they haven't seen the cost of living here either. My husband was shocked and amazed at what we pay for food and bills, and I have relatively few expenses compared to most.

This youngest thing has me baffled however. So what if the youngest is born with some form of disability and cannot work? What if the youngest dies? This may seem like a noble culture to support your parents in their older years, but why isn't is shared between all of the children? Didn't the parents raise them all, and don't they all owe it to them? What happens if the youngest can't do it, do the older kids tell their parent tough Sh!#? In my husbands culture everyone pitches in to help because no one would want to see their mother do without. Yes I know.....its a culture thing.....just trying to figure it out.