I'm a trouble for him.

[Jack and Barbara 0]

These responses are expected from western-culture attitudes. So now that all the farang have chimed in, I will give you my 2 baht (having a Thai finacee/wife for over 3 years now). From what I read I am assuming you are the youngest or only daughter, so he must understand that YES IT IS your and soon to be his responsibility to support your mother. That is just one of the many "perks" he gets when a Thai woman agrees to let him marry her. Once you are in the US and get married, submit your EAD paperwork as soon as possible and you will get your work permit in just under 3 months. It doesn't take over year.

He needs to understand your culture and responsibilities, and adjust accordingly. If he cannot, then your marriage will not last very long. There should be plenty of samee-farang in California he can talk to about this, there are quite a few of us here on VJ that would be glad to explain all the responsibilites of having a Thai wife, but also in the same breathe how amazingly wonderful his life will be with a Thai woman who him.

Maybe he didn't realize these are expectations of marrying a Thai woman because she wasn't upfront with him in the first place?

[*JG* 2]

These responses are expected from western-culture attitudes. So now that all the farang have chimed in, I will give you my 2 baht (having a Thai finacee/wife for over 3 years now). From what I read I am assuming you are the youngest or only daughter, so he must understand that YES IT IS your and soon to be his responsibility to support your mother. That is just one of the many "perks" he gets when a Thai woman agrees to let him marry her. Once you are in the US and get married, submit your EAD paperwork as soon as possible and you will get your work permit in just under 3 months. It doesn't take over year.

He needs to understand your culture and responsibilities, and adjust accordingly. If he cannot, then your marriage will not last very long. There should be plenty of samee-farang in California he can talk to about this, there are quite a few of us here on VJ that would be glad to explain all the responsibilites of having a Thai wife, but also in the same breathe how amazingly wonderful his life will be with a Thai woman who him.

Maybe he didn't realize these are expectations of marrying a Thai woman because she wasn't upfront with him in the first place?

My thoughts exactly.

I get the whole attitude; but to spring it on him NOW at the end, seems very unfair.

[erintoronto 0]

These responses are expected from western-culture attitudes. So now that all the farang have chimed in, I will give you my 2 baht (having a Thai finacee/wife for over 3 years now). From what I read I am assuming you are the youngest or only daughter, so he must understand that YES IT IS your and soon to be his responsibility to support your mother. That is just one of the many "perks" he gets when a Thai woman agrees to let him marry her. Once you are in the US and get married, submit your EAD paperwork as soon as possible and you will get your work permit in just under 3 months. It doesn't take over year.

He needs to understand your culture and responsibilities, and adjust accordingly. If he cannot, then your marriage will not last very long. There should be plenty of samee-farang in California he can talk to about this, there are quite a few of us here on VJ that would be glad to explain all the responsibilites of having a Thai wife, but also in the same breathe how amazingly wonderful his life will be with a Thai woman who him.

Maybe he didn't realize these are expectations of marrying a Thai woman because she wasn't upfront with him in the first place?

my response was based on this: "my mom, house, car and all expense that I have now. It’s around $1200 per month that I need him to support my mom and my thing". yes, her mom is a part of it but there is a lot more it seems. and i agree with jack and barbara - it seems there was some key information that was not disclosed initially. there is an obvious gap in understanding and wants/needs but there was also a lapse in judgment for not disclosing this sort of information earlier on in the process. but yes, ilayja, part of it might be a cultural difference or misunderstanding that needs to be addressed. thank you for mentioning that. it just seems a shame that they weren't working on this level of understanding earlier.

some serious discussions could bring this together but it is going to take some time and effort in order for this to happen. and i still think it's key that she take time to figure things out for herself first. (she was the one asking for support and that's my suggestion.) we all need to be solid on our own before becoming a part of something greater, i believe. i also have no doubt that if they are willing to do the work they could be very happy together.

again, fabian

i wish you the best of luck in working through this and finding and accepting what it is you really want

Edited May 16, 2008 by erinanddavid

[rebeccajo 14]

[Nearly Done 8]

greed card, since I'm going to be such a useless

Did you mean to say GREED card  jk

I feel bad for you both and hope you can sort this out.

[Nearly Done 8]

oooppss

Edited May 16, 2008 by margyw

[pushbrk 12,824]

I’m waiting for the P4 from TH embassy now. It takes almost a month but I haven’t heard any thing from them yet, so glad that we’re almost there.

But seem like thing is getting worse, after I’ve discussed with him about the plan and my future life. As I’ve been telling him about my big responsibility as my mom, house, car and all expense that I have now. It’s around $1200 per month that I need him to support my mom and my thing while I’m going to be in USA with him. I know that it’s a lot, crazy and tough for him to handle that. He’s a specialist in Film Service Company in Burbank. I don’t know how much that he made. But I didn’t feel good at all to pass this thing to him, how am I suppose to do while I’m waiting for my work permit and greed card, since I’m going to be such a useless, no work and no money almost a year. He’s so depressed and sad now. Even I tried to cheer him up and figured out about this problem, but he still feels the same.

Only I know is I love him and I want to spend my life with him. But if I go there I’m going to be a trouble for him for a year. I just feel like I should stay here, and live with my real world. I don’t know what to do. I need your help on this…

It sounds like you are a few months late in discussing your marital financial issues, so it will be good for you to understand that people of any culture cannot be expected to "be informed" they will soon have their expenses increase by $1200 a month on 30 to 60 days notice. It is entirely unreasonable for either spouse to expect immediate compliance when they were'nt part of the planning for this future.

You're leaving Thailand. Can't you sell the car? Also, you should have work authorization within three months of filing.

Surely the benefits of marrying a Thai woman are mostly balanced by the benefits of marrying an American man. I got a chuckle out of the one-way explanation of expectations.

Several times in our marriage, my wife has stated "I am Chinese woman." to which I've replied "And, I am American man." Then we talk about what WE are going to do?"

Edited May 16, 2008 by pushbrk

[nane1104 146]

I’m waiting for the P4 from TH embassy now. It takes almost a month but I haven’t heard any thing from them yet, so glad that we’re almost there.

But seem like thing is getting worse, after I’ve discussed with him about the plan and my future life. As I’ve been telling him about my big responsibility as my mom, house, car and all expense that I have now. It’s around $1200 per month that I need him to support my mom and my thing while I’m going to be in USA with him. I know that it’s a lot, crazy and tough for him to handle that. He’s a specialist in Film Service Company in Burbank. I don’t know how much that he made. But I didn’t feel good at all to pass this thing to him, how am I suppose to do while I’m waiting for my work permit and greed card, since I’m going to be such a useless, no work and no money almost a year. He’s so depressed and sad now. Even I tried to cheer him up and figured out about this problem, but he still feels the same.

Only I know is I love him and I want to spend my life with him. But if I go there I’m going to be a trouble for him for a year. I just feel like I should stay here, and live with my real world. I don’t know what to do. I need your help on this…

It sounds like you are a few months late in discussing your marital financial issues, so it will be good for you to understand that people of any culture cannot be expected to "be informed" they will soon have their expenses increase by $1200 a month on 30 to 60 days notice. It is entirely unreasonable for either spouse to expect immediate compliance when they were'nt part of the planning for this future.

You're leaving Thailand. Can't you sell the car? Also, you should have work authorization within three months of filing.

Surely the benefits of marrying a Thai woman are mostly balanced by the benefits of marrying an American man. I got a chuckle out of the one-way explanation of expectations.

Several times in our marriage, my wife has stated "I am Chinese woman." to which I've replied "And, I am American man." Then we talk about what WE are going to do?"

Totally agree. Marriages between different cultures need adjustment and compromises from BOTH partners.

I hate it when I hear from people "I left my country for my spouse, now they have to do anything and everything for me."

[ilayja 2]

Fabian ... jai yen yen, ok? mai kit mak! You are not a bother, you both will figure this out together.

For the rest ... you are looking at this thru the wrong set of glasses, she is doing exactly what she is supposed to do, that is how she was brought up. You cannot tell a Thai woman that it is NOT her responsibility to be thankful for the ultimate sacrifice that her parents made to give her life and to take care of them. That is solely a western value, not a Thai value. Nam-jai (generosity) and gat-tan-yu (honor your debts) are two core values in Thai culture that do not have equivalents in western culture. Her fiancee/husband must accept and appreciate how important this is to her, and make sure that their relationship never comes into conflict with this, because he will ultimately loose. That is why she said it might be better for her to stay in Thailand if he cannot do this. It doesn't matter when or how this was brought up, she brought it up at the right time according to her belief. Telling her to abandon her entire belief system by thinking like a westerner is not good advice.

[Nearly Done 8]

      

Totally agree. Marriages between different cultures need adjustment and compromises from BOTH partners.

I hate it when I hear from people "I left my country for my spouse, now they have to do anything and everything for me."

Agree also.

The only thing I wished he would of changed would be the side of road they drive on! he could not help me out there!

[Nearly Done 8]

Fabian ... jai yen yen, ok? mai kit mak! You are not a bother, you both will figure this out together.

For the rest ... you are looking at this thru the wrong set of glasses, she is doing exactly what she is supposed to do, that is how she was brought up. You cannot tell a Thai woman that it is NOT her responsibility to be thankful for the ultimate sacrifice that her parents made to give her life and to take care of them. That is solely a western value, not a Thai value. Nam-jai (generosity) and gat-tan-yu (honor your debts) are two core values in Thai culture that do not have equivalents in western culture. Her fiancee/husband must accept and appreciate how important this is to her, and make sure that their relationship never comes into conflict with this, because he will ultimately loose. That is why she said it might be better for her to stay in Thailand if he cannot do this. It doesn't matter when or how this was brought up, she brought it up at the right time according to her belief. Telling her to abandon her entire belief system by thinking like a westerner is not good advice.

I do see where you are coming from and understand that is the way she has been brought up, her culture. However it is not her future husbands culture and this should of been talked through along time ago.

[Thai family 0]

The book "Thai Fever" is good for Thai/farang couples to read. It explores the cultural differences and is a good spring-board for healthy discussion. One side of the page is written in Thai and the other in English. All things may not apply to all couples, and some families do things differently.

I found it shortly after our son married and returned to the states last fall. He devoured it. It would have been a good read before they made a serious commitment, but I am confident that they have a solid relationship. It gave me an idea of what to expect, too.

Compromising and communication can be a good things if you value your relationship.

Hope this helps

[pushbrk 12,824]

Nam-jai (generosity) and gat-tan-yu (honor your debts) are two core values in Thai culture that do not have equivalents in western culture.

Horse feathers. Those values are in every culture with which I am familiar. Also, in both the Thai and Western cultures, exist the principle of respecting the needs and desires of your spouse in a "mutual" way.

Surely, had these issues been discussed earlier in the relationship, more respect for the spouse would exist in both directions and dealing with the issues would have been easier. Whether this is the "right time" in somebody's mind won't ultimately mean much if the result ruins an otherwise viable relationship.

We Westerners have a saying to the effect it makes no sense to win the battle and lose the war. Or being dead right has the same result as being dead wrong. In both cases, you're "dead".

Does the Thai culture recognize the concept of "foolish"?

[Ning 619]

I’m waiting for the P4 from TH embassy now. It takes almost a month but I haven’t heard any thing from them yet, so glad that we’re almost there.

But seem like thing is getting worse, after I’ve discussed with him about the plan and my future life. As I’ve been telling him about my big responsibility as my mom, house, car and all expense that I have now. It’s around $1200 per month that I need him to support my mom and my thing while I’m going to be in USA with him. I know that it’s a lot, crazy and tough for him to handle that. He’s a specialist in Film Service Company in Burbank. I don’t know how much that he made. But I didn’t feel good at all to pass this thing to him, how am I suppose to do while I’m waiting for my work permit and greed card, since I’m going to be such a useless, no work and no money almost a year. He’s so depressed and sad now. Even I tried to cheer him up and figured out about this problem, but he still feels the same.

Only I know is I love him and I want to spend my life with him. But if I go there I’m going to be a trouble for him for a year. I just feel like I should stay here, and live with my real world. I don’t know what to do. I need your help on this…

These responses are expected from western-culture attitudes. So now that all the farang have chimed in, I will give you my 2 baht (having a Thai finacee/wife for over 3 years now). From what I read I am assuming you are the youngest or only daughter, so he must understand that YES IT IS your and soon to be his responsibility to support your mother. That is just one of the many "perks" he gets when a Thai woman agrees to let him marry her. Once you are in the US and get married, submit your EAD paperwork as soon as possible and you will get your work permit in just under 3 months. It doesn't take over year.

He needs to understand your culture and responsibilities, and adjust accordingly. If he cannot, then your marriage will not last very long. There should be plenty of samee-farang in California he can talk to about this, there are quite a few of us here on VJ that would be glad to explain all the responsibilites of having a Thai wife, but also in the same breathe how amazingly wonderful his life will be with a Thai woman who him.

She should understand his culture as well. He is not obligated to do anything like she suggests. This is just a scam.

Why would anyone with culture wait until now to ask for understanding of this? Because they hope its too late for him to change his mind. Why are they asking this question here on V J ?

I am married to a Thai. I understood the culture. I was not asked to do anything along these lines. I do however provide assistance to my mother in law.

This amount of money isnt required by 90% of the Thais. If they live in this style they dont need assistance.

There is someting very wrong here & everyone knows it. Dont try to justify this as cultural differences.

[Jack and Barbara 0]

Fabian ... jai yen yen, ok? mai kit mak! You are not a bother, you both will figure this out together.

For the rest ... you are looking at this thru the wrong set of glasses, she is doing exactly what she is supposed to do, that is how she was brought up. You cannot tell a Thai woman that it is NOT her responsibility to be thankful for the ultimate sacrifice that her parents made to give her life and to take care of them. That is solely a western value, not a Thai value. Nam-jai (generosity) and gat-tan-yu (honor your debts) are two core values in Thai culture that do not have equivalents in western culture. Her fiancee/husband must accept and appreciate how important this is to her, and make sure that their relationship never comes into conflict with this, because he will ultimately loose. That is why she said it might be better for her to stay in Thailand if he cannot do this. It doesn't matter when or how this was brought up, she brought it up at the right time according to her belief. Telling her to abandon her entire belief system by thinking like a westerner is not good advice.

I do see where you are coming from and understand that is the way she has been brought up, her culture. However it is not her future husbands culture and this should of been talked through along time ago.

pushbrk Posted Today, 09:22 PM

Horse feathers. Those values are in every culture with which I am familiar. Also, in both the Thai and Western cultures, exist the principle of respecting the needs and desires of your spouse in a "mutual" way.

Horse feathers?