Dealing with SO's opinions about future children

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Awesome I'll have to check out towelhead on the web.

Okay, when I'm supposed to be working and I'm goofing around on the web instead, I usually try and catch updated movie trailers on Apple.com.

WELL, today, there just happened to be a new listing for "Towelhead". Derogatory term, yes, the subject matter...exactly what we've been talking about in this forum.

Google this movie and watch the trailer. It comes out August 8th. I'm definitely dragging Hicham to it!

Oh and for the Book Club people...this is based on the novel of the same name I believe.

[sarahaziz 0]

Glad things worked out, it's always a tiny problem with communication !

Edited May 17, 2008 by sarahaziz

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Two Palestinian, MENA raised parents. None of us, boys or girls, were allowed to date, and we did not. Lebanese husband, we raised our kids the same way - no dating. There are lots of us that do things that way. It's not all unusal in MENA-American households.

I can't even emphasize what a crock of sh!t this entire post is! I have been around Palestinians my ENTIRE life and none are this way. Half of my family members are Palestinian. Wahrania, you know nothing about this culture or community and everything you say is based on your VERY LIMITED experiance with you ex.

How many times has this been said? Too many times. Does it have any affect? No.

[Badrs Love 0]

Two Palestinian, MENA raised parents. None of us, boys or girls, were allowed to date, and we did not. Lebanese husband, we raised our kids the same way - no dating. There are lots of us that do things that way. It's not all unusal in MENA-American households.

I can't even emphasize what a crock of sh!t this entire post is! I have been around Palestinians my ENTIRE life and none are this way. Half of my family members are Palestinian. Wahrania, you know nothing about this culture or community and everything you say is based on your VERY LIMITED experiance with you ex.

How many times has this been said? Too many times. Does it have any affect? No.

LOL! My ex-husband was an Irish cheating alcoholic. So all Irish men must love beer and cheating on their wives. That's gotta be it. Heck, one is, so the rest are.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Two Palestinian, MENA raised parents. None of us, boys or girls, were allowed to date, and we did not. Lebanese husband, we raised our kids the same way - no dating. There are lots of us that do things that way. It's not all unusal in MENA-American households.

I can't even emphasize what a crock of sh!t this entire post is! I have been around Palestinians my ENTIRE life and none are this way. Half of my family members are Palestinian. Wahrania, you know nothing about this culture or community and everything you say is based on your VERY LIMITED experiance with you ex.

How many times has this been said? Too many times. Does it have any affect? No.

LOL! My ex-husband was an Irish cheating alcoholic. So all Irish men must love beer and cheating on their wives. That's gotta be it. Heck, one is, so the rest are.

I'm not sure how my post raised the specter of stereotypes about Irish men. Even so, it doesn't reduce the validity of my observations and cultural experiences.

[HannahP 119]

So, uh, totally Western question here.

Dating has NEVER meant sex to me or anyone that I knew. Dating was always holding hands, an awkward kiss or two, etc. "Group dates" were very popular, with several of us going to see a movie. (And I'm twenty-two, hardly old.) I have quite a few male friends. Purely friends.

How do you date after marriage?

How do you decide whom to marry without dating? WHY would you want to do this?

Do arranged marriages "work" outside of a culture where divorce is taboo?

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Two Palestinian, MENA raised parents. None of us, boys or girls, were allowed to date, and we did not. Lebanese husband, we raised our kids the same way - no dating. There are lots of us that do things that way. It's not all unusal in MENA-American households.

I can't even emphasize what a crock of sh!t this entire post is! I have been around Palestinians my ENTIRE life and none are this way. Half of my family members are Palestinian. Wahrania, you know nothing about this culture or community and everything you say is based on your VERY LIMITED experiance with you ex.

How many times has this been said? Too many times. Does it have any affect? No.

Yesterday I got 2 collection letters for the brother of my ex who has never lived in the US. My ex was using his name to get credit in the US. Hes been gone 5 years yet still I get collection letters and 2 years ago I got a visit from the sherriffs dept looking for him because they were sure he still was at my address because he still was using it on license applications and as a credit reference.

You guys have got to forgive me for having such a ####### impression but after all this ####### and then watching his many friends even do more dastardly stuff and getting my face pummeled till my ears were swollen and then have my money stolen and basically my life shredded in two my impression REGARDLESS of generalising or not IS GOING TO SUCK. When you meet person after person and they are all from the same village and all you got was #### for year after year.. OF COURSE YOU ARE GOING TO GENERALISE.... I keep dropping ####### but I am sorry, when stuff happened to me and it wasnt just him doing it. it gave me a crappy taste in my mouth for them.. which I am trying to get over.. I AM SORRY.. I AM SORRY I AM SORRY I AM SORRY I AM SORRY.I was exposed to years of this #######, bags of fake social security cards in my closet, using their brothers name to get credit, sending other peoples mail to my house ( people without status) there for tagging my house address with their bull criminal activity.... It just hurt me so bad ....and then I get super pissed off when bad things did happen and yes some of these guys do the ####### things you can imagine....and then they get away with it and then if you complain about it, you have baggage, you are bitter and somehow you are just supposed to get over beging screwed over within an inch of your life.. Its super hard NOT to be predjudiced no matter how hard you try when you have been screwed over so badly

And my experience wasnt limited. IT WAS HORRIFIC AND FAR REACHING. When people show up at your door with shot guns, a black SUV at 4 in the morning because your ex has said to a translation company that he was an informant for Israel and Hamas is looking for him and these guys are from the special ops unit and your 5 year old is standing there, its kind of hard to get over it. When your poor American parents have done everything to help this ####### including help him with his car, his papers and he rewards them with throwing their grandson into a wall head first, its hard to forgive. When you did everything you could to truly love someone, and they reward you with bringing drugs into your house, giving your address to convicted criminals and you get visits from law enforcement, calls from the FBi and the nightmare never ends ( I JUST GOT ANOTHER LETTER ADDRESSED TO AN ABDEL ) and I dont even know these damn people.. you tend to not get over it.. If I was some redneck who never lived it, I could understand being pissed at me, but I lived it. My restrainig orders against this ### were part of my present petition and my family is still severely scarred from him... FORGIVE ME PLEASE>>> PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR BEING PISSED>>>To be told again and again that all these guys are angels and none of them do anything wrong and I surely didnt see what I saw... which I saw over and over and over and over again makes my blood boil .It wasnt just him. It was a whole network of guys just like him living illegally at that time 2002 doing god knows what to survive and work regardless of how bad it hurt the americans they came in contact with...

Now please leave me alone with this. I Am sorry I EVER STATED ANY OPINION ON ANY OF THIS..If I wasnt hurt as horrifically as I was , I wouldnt be so pissed.... Thats for sure

[HannahP 119]

Now please leave me alone with this. I Am sorry I EVER STATED ANY OPINION ON ANY OF THIS..If I wasnt hurt as horrifically as I was , I wouldnt be so pissed.... Thats for sure

And you decided to marry...? Your "pity me" story only makes me cringe because of the next moron that you decided to marry. People who marry abusive jerks tend to later marry abusive jerks.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Two Palestinian, MENA raised parents. None of us, boys or girls, were allowed to date, and we did not. Lebanese husband, we raised our kids the same way - no dating. There are lots of us that do things that way. It's not all unusal in MENA-American households.

I can't even emphasize what a crock of sh!t this entire post is! I have been around Palestinians my ENTIRE life and none are this way. Half of my family members are Palestinian. Wahrania, you know nothing about this culture or community and everything you say is based on your VERY LIMITED experiance with you ex.

How many times has this been said? Too many times. Does it have any affect? No.

LOL! My ex-husband was an Irish cheating alcoholic. So all Irish men must love beer and cheating on their wives. That's gotta be it. Heck, one is, so the rest are.

You of all people should understand how someone can do the best you can and still get labeled with some ####### label . Your fiancee is still living with the stigma of his wife dying overseas under difficult circumstances and them receiving a denial and now you are petitioning for him. You of all people should know what its like to do your very best and bad things happened. I did not say ALL PALESTINIAN men are bad. I simply recounted experiences. And for me these experiences were not imaginary. This was someone I met stateside who never told me he was illegal and at the time I did not understand marriage fraud and all this #######. I also was extremely naive to someone doing something very bad to me with absolutely NO CONSCIENCE whatsover.

You never know what people are carrying. You absolutely love your husband but because of things that happened, you will have to overcome some things while petitioning and interviewing. I had to overcome this nightmare both in my petition and some of it even came up in my present husbands interview,asking him if he was aware of what happened. It was kind of hard for the co to ignore when a final order of protection is page 13 in the packet. I wish I could go back and drop all of this stuff and had never said a thing.. but you get vulnerable sometimes on the board and like an idiot I ran my mouth when I shouldnt have and it was a mistake...

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Now please leave me alone with this. I Am sorry I EVER STATED ANY OPINION ON ANY OF THIS..If I wasnt hurt as horrifically as I was , I wouldnt be so pissed.... Thats for sure

And you decided to marry...? Your "pity me" story only makes me cringe because of the next moron that you decided to marry. People who marry abusive jerks tend to later marry abusive jerks.

That doesnt make them bad people.. It makes them have to examine very carefully everyone they meet and get involved with . When you have been mistreated as a child or as an adult , you have to be very careful about NOT letting other people treat you the same way because its been your norm for so long

As far as pity me, I hate to tell you , but the MENA board is not a place to get it. Its one of the toughest forums on visajourney. I have never ever ever seen the kinds of hurtful things said on any other forum that get said in here. I dont know why this board gets its share of arguements but it does. Things calm down for a while. 3 weeks ago we had one member telling other members that they werent even married and that their baby was illegitamate. We have had members arguing over everything from age, religion,sending money to spouses etc. Its just the way things are around here.Period.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Two Palestinian, MENA raised parents. None of us, boys or girls, were allowed to date, and we did not. Lebanese husband, we raised our kids the same way - no dating. There are lots of us that do things that way. It's not all unusal in MENA-American households.

I can't even emphasize what a crock of sh!t this entire post is! I have been around Palestinians my ENTIRE life and none are this way. Half of my family members are Palestinian. Wahrania, you know nothing about this culture or community and everything you say is based on your VERY LIMITED experiance with you ex.

How many times has this been said? Too many times. Does it have any affect? No.

LOL! My ex-husband was an Irish cheating alcoholic. So all Irish men must love beer and cheating on their wives. That's gotta be it. Heck, one is, so the rest are.

You of all people should understand how someone can do the best you can and still get labeled with some ####### label . Your fiancee is still living with the stigma of his wife dying overseas under difficult circumstances and them receiving a denial and now you are petitioning for him. You of all people should know what its like to do your very best and bad things happened. I did not say ALL PALESTINIAN men are bad. I simply recounted experiences. And for me these experiences were not imaginary. This was someone I met stateside who never told me he was illegal and at the time I did not understand marriage fraud and all this #######. I also was extremely naive to someone doing something very bad to me with absolutely NO CONSCIENCE whatsover.

You never know what people are carrying. You absolutely love your husband but because of things that happened, you will have to overcome some things while petitioning and interviewing. I had to overcome this nightmare both in my petition and some of it even came up in my present husbands interview,asking him if he was aware of what happened. It was kind of hard for the co to ignore when a final order of protection is page 13 in the packet. I wish I could go back and drop all of this stuff and had never said a thing.. but you get vulnerable sometimes on the board and like an idiot I ran my mouth when I shouldnt have and it was a mistake...

Maybe Wahrania got it right and I got it wrong. My apologizies to Badr's Love if she was commenting on wahrania's views instead of mine.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

As far as pity me, I hate to tell you , but the MENA board is not a place to get it. Its one of the toughest forums on visajourney. I have never ever ever seen the kinds of hurtful things said on any other forum that get said in here. I dont know why this board gets its share of arguements but it does. Things calm down for a while. 3 weeks ago we had one member telling other members that they werent even married and that their baby was illegitamate. We have had members arguing over everything from age, religion,sending money to spouses etc. Its just the way things are around here.Period.

That one should have been right up your alley since you post early and often about how MENA men are out to do harm to western women. Heck, if a MENA man is lying about what Islam requires to be married so he can get laid, then filing for a K1 at the same time, I will call them out for using our religion in a base way that reflects badly on the faith of 1.3 billion other Muslims, you bet. Not the first time I've done it, unlikely to be the last time.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

So, uh, totally Western question here.

Dating has NEVER meant sex to me or anyone that I knew. Dating was always holding hands, an awkward kiss or two, etc. "Group dates" were very popular, with several of us going to see a movie. (And I'm twenty-two, hardly old.) I have quite a few male friends. Purely friends.

How do you date after marriage?

How do you decide whom to marry without dating? WHY would you want to do this?

Do arranged marriages "work" outside of a culture where divorce is taboo?

Hi, Hannah. Western dating = sex is what our movie, tv, music, and entertainment industries export each and every day. It's a common belief overseas that this is the way Americans conduct themselves. I can't tell you how many times I've had MENA men tell me that they prefer western women because they will sleep with them easier than MENA women will. That stereotype is hard to live down when this lifestyle is transmitted as the norm.

My husband arrived in the US on May 1. We've been married and apart for 3 years. Now we're dating as part of getting more in sync with each other.

Most of the world doesn't serial date. It's not done because marriage is considered to be a union between families, not just between the couples, and to maintain a sense of continuity and familiarity. Random dating doesn't support such norms.

Arranged marriages work and don't work, just as "love" marriages work and don't work.

[Nasturtium 500]

It may be helpful to add that a lot of arranged marriages are not the stereotype that we think of over here when we hear the word "arranged"-- which is that you kind of just show up on your wedding day and meet the person for the first time at that point. Most arranged marriages consist of two people who do know each other to a certain extent-- whether that be because it's someone you knew as an aquaintence as a friend of the family (like a cousin or person who lived in your general area), or because you have a chance to try to get to know each other a bit before the marriage (in a supervised kind of way). As far as all of those whom i know in arranged marriages, they were Muslim and did the marriage contract but didn't register it. Everyone knew they had this contract and they considered it an engagement. This allowed them to spend some time together alone (and of course they did the contract after deciding they liked each other well enough in a family setting-- also most had known each other for quite some time as fellow townspeople or relatives), go on walks or whatever and talk about life, hopes, whatever.

In a love marriage, many of us don't marry the person soley on love-- we have a lot of factors we take into account like potential, jobs, religion, common goals, common values, etc. Lots of times it's a similar thing in the sense that they have things in common and then get married based on this. Not every arranged marriage is a political or family alliance, although I would think more arranged marriages DO have a stronger family-bond aspect.

Edited May 17, 2008 by julianna

[HannahP 119]

So, uh, totally Western question here.

Dating has NEVER meant sex to me or anyone that I knew. Dating was always holding hands, an awkward kiss or two, etc. "Group dates" were very popular, with several of us going to see a movie. (And I'm twenty-two, hardly old.) I have quite a few male friends. Purely friends.

How do you date after marriage?

How do you decide whom to marry without dating? WHY would you want to do this?

Do arranged marriages "work" outside of a culture where divorce is taboo?

Hi, Hannah. Western dating = sex is what our movie, tv, music, and entertainment industries export each and every day. It's a common belief overseas that this is the way Americans conduct themselves. I can't tell you how many times I've had MENA men tell me that they prefer western women because they will sleep with them easier than MENA women will. That stereotype is hard to live down when this lifestyle is transmitted as the norm.

My husband arrived in the US on May 1. We've been married and apart for 3 years. Now we're dating as part of getting more in sync with each other.

Most of the world doesn't serial date. It's not done because marriage is considered to be a union between families, not just between the couples, and to maintain a sense of continuity and familiarity. Random dating doesn't support such norms.

Arranged marriages work and don't work, just as "love" marriages work and don't work.

Well, no, but shouldn't Westernized relationships be considered part of the acculturation? Why is this being passed down to /your children/ when it's simply not true?

I realize that in Islamic relationships, a boy and girl are constantly chaperoned by an older adult. Yes? I guess that is still dating to me.