Dealing with SO's opinions about future children

[sarahaziz 0]

You know what though? I personally never questioned my parents "dating" and then marrying for love. Like it's out of respect that I don't ask nor think to ask about those details. And I've never looked at their mistakes or mishaps and said oh well you guys did that and that! I personally, and this is just me I would be strict yet loving with my kids but not too friendly. Kid's don't need friends these days they need Parents. I would never let my girl date until she was 18. My son wow I'd probably keep a tighter leash on him with all the cute 1/2 naked girls running around. I don't know I just see it this way I want someone thanking his mother and father (God # 1) that my son or daughter was raised in high respect for their parents and to keep pure until marriage. Like I think it's a possibility most spouses of women here were their husbands first gf or wife don't you thank his mother for raising such a nice guy? Same with girls I'd want her future husband saying wow you grew up so respectfully no dating no baggage in the past. That's how I see it

[sarahaziz 0]

I really can't decide if this is a religious issue with him because he's not saying that it is. When I tried to ask him questions about how he would handle things in the future, he kind of just shut down and said "I don't know".

I don't consider myself to be religious at all and I still plan on teaching my children not to give themselves away until marriage. That is such a sacred gift, that in my opinion, transcends religion. I would hope that I teach them right, BUT, if they weren't to be a virgin before marriage, am I going to excommunicate myself from them...NO!

I don't think its religous it's culture and not limied to Palestinians. Most arabs feel this way and are raised this way. Thre are plenty of non-mena countries that have the same beliefs. I have co-workers here who recently had babies and swear they are not letting a guy near their daughter ever.

I think first of all, there is that natural father instinct to want to protect and then there is the fact that this is socially not acceptable in mena regardless if you are muslim or christian. That doesn't mean it doesnt happen there, it surely does, and it happens everything but its just not the norm.

I really do appreciate your insight, JP. It is helping me to maybe understand the issue a little better.

Anytime honey. I grew up this way and so did arab girl I know. Our parents were all immigrants here and everything was new to them. When I was going to school here, all most everyone was american too which made it harder. I think nowadays, its even easier because my husbands younger cousins all have a ton of girls in their classes from different backgrounds that can relate because their families are the same way.

You know 16 year old cousin once had a conversation with my niece who is very close to me. My niece asked her (no one put her up to this) if she had a boyfriend. The 16 yr olds response was...no and I dont want one. I could never do that to my family, it would hurt them so much. I was really surprised to hear that because I thought she would have been full of resentment. But actually she is very close to her mother, and I think thats why she has a better understanding of it.

I was able to cope with it because I was surrounded by girls who were in the same situation as I was. It didn't make me feel so odd.

Yup ^^ She explained everything precisely. You just grow up that way because you love your mom and dad too much to ruin their respect for anybody else. It's just not worth it. You're husband sounds like a respectful man rather than controlling or sexist I guess. Mom's are great though they accept anything no matter what from their kids. Your kid is your kid.

[Martiniolive 0]

Don't forget she will be in the USA and she will know she has rights even if she is close to and loves her father/mom dearly.....and she will have her own personality also to factor in. I have seen alot of men attempt to control theyre little girl until she starts to talk back and fight for her independents and being in the USA she has protection that allows it to be acceptable here. This is not MOROCCO ...hey those might be her words in defence hahaha

My best advice...cross that road when you get to it. My father was the same way when he came to this country. He lightened up over the years quite a bit as did the rest of my family.

You are asking him to accept something that is foreign to him and he is asking you to do the same. There is no point in discussing these issues now.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

It seems like a mixture of variables. I like what Jenn said cuz it rang a bell for me.

I asked Waleed about this. He wasn't stubborn about it as your Husband sounded. He was pretty calm actually just telling me he's a little afraid of the society in America and kind of mentioned something along the lines of what Bridget said about girls having sex in the eighth grade.

I also kind of agree with what Tammy said about how it comes down to parenting and how it can help change the course of what a child's decision is. Waleed kind of recognized that as well and did resort to saying something along the lines of what your Husband said as well, "We can move back to Egypt to save them." I told him we can't control what a child's choice is going to be. To that he said it was going to be alright and for me to not worry about this now we will have time before kids to talk more.

He didn't hold a double standard for the girls or the boys. The treatment was the same when I asked about if the boys could date. It is comforting he is being reasonable about discussing this. Thank you for bringing this up and sharing this information so I would be aware to approach this with my Husband and have an idea about what to say since I already read how your discussion with your Husband went and what ideas you had.

[allousa 1]

UPDATE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I got home last night, things were tense at first. After I got our son to bed, I sat down at the desk in the office and my husband came in and stood at the door. He knew I was mad because he tried to call me a couple of times during the day and I just wasn't ready to talk. I have to say that talking to all of you yesterday did really help me alot in how to approach discussing this with my husband.

The first question that I asked him was...."What does dating mean to you?" And he was like, you know, having sex. I said "Honey, that is not what dating means to me at all!". He was really surprised that we had misunderstood each other so much. That just goes to show you how easy disagreements can arise because of a language or cultural barrier. And Hicham's English is very, very good (better than some Americans I know!).

Once I told him that wasn't what I meant at all and that I wanted our daughter/son to save themselves until marriage we were really able to discuss what our expectations were as our children became teenagers and we actually pretty much agreed on most everything. During our first argument he said he didn't want any boyfriends coming in his house, but when I explained to him that we, as parents, MUST know who our children our hanging around with and that means having them in our home so that we can get to know the kind of people they are, he relented on that and said that was probably pretty smart. He even said that it wasn't that he didn't want more children, but that he was really concerned about the financial aspect of having more and that once he got established in his job and we could "afford" (yeah, right) another, that he would be on board with that.

We "shook hands" and made peace!

This was a real lesson to me that even though Hicham and I have never had a language barrier, that doesn't mean words always mean the same to him as they do me. Marriage is hard work....and a bi-cultural marriage is even tougher! COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!!!!!!

Thanks to all my VJ peeps for really helping me out with this one and give me advice!

[sara535 15]

thats a good ending to the issue Allousa and I am happy for you that it worked out this way. I just want to add that this kind of thing has happened a lot between me and my husband, as far as his english being quite good but having some VERY different interpretations of even a single word. I have learned over time when I feel like we are having a crazy interaction to back up and say wait, what do you think I am saying?

I think this whole situation of yours is a great learning example for everyone to remember not to take communication and comprehension at face value. thanks a lot for sharing.

AND I cant wait in a couple of years to see your baby ticker at the bottome of the page

[brnidokiegurl 0]

happy ending and this is true so many times i say something and his reaction is (OK) then i know he totally did not (get) what i just said same for him, he may say something and it really hits me the wrong way after talking about it that wasnt what he meant at all...thanks for the discussion and reminders

[allousa 1]

thats a good ending to the issue Allousa and I am happy for you that it worked out this way. I just want to add that this kind of thing has happened a lot between me and my husband, as far as his english being quite good but having some VERY different interpretations of even a single word. I have learned over time when I feel like we are having a crazy interaction to back up and say wait, what do you think I am saying?

I think this whole situation of yours is a great learning example for everyone to remember not to take communication and comprehension at face value. thanks a lot for sharing.

AND I cant wait in a couple of years to see your baby ticker at the bottome of the page

YIKES!!!!!!! I say I would really love to have at least one more...but I tell ya...our son is potty-training right now and once he gets out of diapers...I may just change my mind and say DONE!!!!

[joelunchbox 0]

As I read this, my first thought was that this was not the real issue. Something has been bothering him for a while and he has not either discussed it or felt like he could discuss it with you.

May I suggest a book or two on couples' communication. When you get the lines of communication cleared up, you will have meaningful, useful discussions.

good luck! Hang in there.

[Jenn! 918]

????

[allousa 1]

, what?????

We weren't having any problems until he made the comment that our daughter would never date. My husband and I have made a promise to each other that when something is bothering us...we talk to the other about it so it doesn't fester and cause a bigger problem later.

[HLM 1]

Im so happy this worked out fine in the end! you re so right; talking about an issue right away is better than waiting on it and watch it get bigger! Wishing you the best in ur life Allousa and your baby boy IS SOOOO CUTE!!! May Allah bless him and keep him safe and healthy for you ameeeeen.

[doodlebugg 10]

I'm glad you worked it out!!!

[~Jackie~ 30]

Communication is definately one of the secrets to success in marriage.

[allousa 1]

Okay, when I'm supposed to be working and I'm goofing around on the web instead, I usually try and catch updated movie trailers on Apple.com.

WELL, today, there just happened to be a new listing for "Towelhead". Derogatory term, yes, the subject matter...exactly what we've been talking about in this forum.

Google this movie and watch the trailer. It comes out August 8th. I'm definitely dragging Hicham to it!

Oh and for the Book Club people...this is based on the novel of the same name I believe.