When Things Are Not as They Appear

[Crisscat 0]

Well.........I never thought Id ever have to ask this type of question in VisaJourney.....

Its been a long road to permanent residency for us. We were so glad this stage was finally over and the 10 year

green card was obtained......phew......finally.........

But then........things didnt seem to be as they used to be years ago for us.... just over the last year Ive noticed

my husband now stays at work longer, we argue more, and he'd rather be on his laptop then doing things with me and

the kids. Now let me say this......he's not the only one guilty of spending too much time on the net as I have done that myself.

I am taking classes online and I surf ebay alot.

Anyway, I came across a girls name on his yahoo messenger friends list. Instead of asking him about it I thought Id be sneaky

and put his message archive on. (By the way, I have a yahoo ID as well and my archive is on all the time so that if he should

ever want to see any conversations I have with anyone they are there for his viewing.....I have nothing to hide). He must though

as he has been speaking with this woman in Northern Illinois for several months.....maybe longer who knows. I cant get him to tell

me the truth about it. At any rate I found this out right before Valentines Day and I had planned a romantic getaway for us. Then I saw

an instant message between him and her and he was trying his damnest to get this girls phone number so he could call her and she

could hear his "british accent"......

I decided I wasnt going to cancel the weekend trip and I decided not to say anything to him about it until afterwards and when I questioned

him on it boy did he blow a head gasket on me. We got into a really big fight over it and he ended up deleting this girl from his IM list. This

seemed to drive a wedge right between us. His time online became more and more so I did something that I thought Id never do to him.

I got a program and watched everything he did on his laptop. To much of my horror over a month period I have found that he watches

women camming in yahoo and adultfriend finder (sex site). And apparently he has a girl that he has been speaking to from England where

he used to live for over 4 years now.

We got into a major fight as I questioned him on "his activities" and questioned him about who Lisa was (the girl from England) who sent

him an email asking if she could be his sex slave......his reply was HELL YEAH.......... I feel as though our whole relationship has been

on deceit and him doing whatever other activities he does online. It seems through this whole ordeal I have found myself not knowing the

person I married. I seem to learn something different as each passing day goes by.

Our fight escalated to the point of him returning back to England......not a very good night indeed for anyone.

This brings me to the question for anyone that may be able to direct me in the right direction.

We have had one child together since being married 4 yrs now. During our fight my husband said he would be taking our daughter back to

England with him. I said like hell you will. She was born here in the USA. She doesnt have British citizenship or a British passport. She does

however have a US passport.

Is it possible for him to take her out of the USA? I understand our daughter is his child as well but all I can see now is a battle over who will

have custody of our little girl and I dont want another huge fight again. Its very mentally draining. He doesnt want to leave now after I told him

I would fight him for custody of our daughter. So we are currently co-existing together.

Anyone have any suggestions, comments, thoughts, or ideas of my dilemma?

My apologies for having to post this "dirty laundry" in here as well as the Regional UK section; but I am wondering how this can affect the

custody of our daughter if anyone has any thoughts on this.

Thanks

Sharri

[Laveau 67]

I have no advice but I sincerely hope that you get through this sooner rather than later.

[Carlawarla 1]

I'm so sorry your marriage is on the rocks. May I suggest a marriage counsellor? Ask your husband is this is something he would engage in with you, and see if the marriage can be salvaged. I don't know the ins and outs as to why he's spending so much time on the net. Is he working? Clearly "camming" and engaging in sexual talk with strangers is disconcerting. Do YOU want to go to counselling? If the marriage can't be salvaged, then it's time for a legal seperation, at which time custody will be discussed, and eventually awarded. Non-custodial parents cannot take a child out the country without permission. There are thousands of parents who are in this predicament, who try to leave the country with a child...some are successful. So firstly I think you have to decide if you're going to stay together, and if not, if you spouse is going to remain in the US to be closer to his child.

I'm wishing you strength in whatever road you choose to take.

Edited May 15, 2008 by Carlawarla

[English Muffin 59]

As far as I know there isn't a judge in the land who would allow a non-USC to take a USC child out of the country permanently. The best thing you could do now would be to get a consultation with a lawyer, just to put your mind at rest if nothing else.

Good luck with everything.

Gillian

[nane1104 146]

I agree with carlawarla. It doesn't really sound like you guys are totally done with each other, but more that he is really upset about you finding out about his activities.

My husband and I had our episodes with the internet too and one evening he told me he wanted a divorce. I was shocked but we managed to talk more and at the end of it I asked why he started talking about divorce and his answer was "Because I don't want to lie to you anymore and hurt you."

So, we managed to work through it.

Well, I don't know what is behind his activities, but I would try to find pout how "serious" he really is with wanting to be with another woman or if it is more a "testing" if he still has "some game". Men are weird in that way sometimes I think, specially in certain phases of their lives.

If you think there are still feelings for each other, try to get counseling. Maybe, hopefully, he is open for that.

If you don't see any hope to safe your marriage, consult a lawyer about his rights and how to find the best solution for custody for your daughter.

I too think, he can't just take her out of the country, but yes, it is his child as well and you guys need to work out a solution for this matter.

I wish you all the best and I hope, you guys can work through this!!!

[Nutty 2]

Just because your daughter does not have a British passport, does not mean he can't take her to Britain. If there is no visa required to enter Britain for American passport holders, he could up and leave to England with her using passport only. He would only need to prove his is the parent of the child.

Edited May 15, 2008 by Nutty

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Yes, if you do end up separating you will definitely need to arrange for child custody on a temporary basis even before a permanent divorce. Definitely speak to a family law lawyer sooner rather than later if you find this marriage is no longer viable. Both England and the US are signatories of the Hague Convention on the International Abduction of Children. This means that international courts in both countries will enforce the return of an abducted child to the parent who has custody. If the non-custodial parent removes the child from the custodial parent, then the return of the child can be enforced through the Hague Convention - IF both resident countries are signatories. It is a long, drawn out horrible process, so try to do everything you can to resolve your differences first. Still, read up on the Hague Convention to understand what is involved - and it may not hurt to let him know as well. I believe that you can put a hold on a child's name and passport at the border so that any attempt to leave the country with that child will involve the child being turned back at the border. Arm yourself with other information as well - check into what is required for him to get a British passport for your child . . . is your signature also required? Things like that will help you. Good luck.

[Crisscat 0]

Many thanks for all your well wishes and clear thinking lol. My thoughts certainly have not been.

Removing the passport from the home is a great idea and Im going to do that today (just in case). Its better to be safe then sorry right?

I wasnt aware of the Hague Convention on child abduction. I mean Ive heard of it just couldnt remember the name of it......thanks for bringing that up!

I will definitely do some research on that as well.

Everyone is right.......I have alot of soul searching to do and alot of thinking. Sometimes its the secrets that get to us the most......or at least in my

case that is certainly ringing true.

I might suggest counseling tonight when he gets home from work........not sure he will speak to me about it as we have stayed clear of each other

lately. I did find out more information through chatting with his "online honey from England" she didnt know she was talking to me and she gave me

loads of info and about another yahoo account I wasnt aware of......

Well as the ole saying goes......when it rains it pours.........and it is certainly flooding in Southern Illinois today......

Just when you think you know someone.......something like this comes up.......Ive known him since Feb 2001 and thought he was the most honest person Ive ever met. I completely trusted him and I always thought I made a good judgement and satisfied any inhibitations I felt about having

an online relationship with someone.......especially from another country.

I guess we cant know someone as much as we think we can............bummer

[nane1104 146]

I PMed you.

[Crisscat 0]

Thanks.....Ive PM'd you back......

[bhajishah 4]

Well if he can work and his porn addiction ( fantasy world) and you can work on your trust and being sneaky issue. Maybe together you can work on these things and become closer??