Breakdown due to culture shock

[BMJ 0]

First I would like to say I am sorry all of your marriages have not been like you had hoped and it is leading to a divorce. As I have been divorced before, I can totally understand how sometimes it just does not work out.

However, I am wondering if before any of you got married if you had any premarital counseling. Luckily for Xaos and I, we have a wonderful pastor who has been willing to do ours with me in her office and him on speaker phone. It is a first for all of us. Since this is not Xaos or my first marriage, we are a little bit wiser than when we were younger but even still after just one premarital counseling session I am surprised at what we learned.

I am also very grateful to this forum for bringing up issues other couples are having. I understand that for a lot of you, the person you married was just NOT who you thought they were, they turned into something you wouldn't wish your worst enemy on, but do any of you feel that maybe what you expected when you moved here (job wise, culture wise, lifestyle wise) caused the breakdown of your marriage?

I hope I am not coming across like I am judging, I totally understand that some people are just not as nice or as good as they seemed and that can be the case no matter if you met them in person or online,I am just curious if there are any out there who are suffering from culture shock and they feel like maybe their new husband/wife hasn't been as supportive as they could/should be.

Maybe for those who feel like they are suffering from culture shock and it is causing a breakdown in your relationship, you could give us some thoughts so we might have more insight in what it is like to move from your native country to the USA.

Thanks

[nane1104 146]

Ouch, I just wrote a really long reply and lost it when I wanted to add it. Too bad.

So now I have to make it short:

We definitley had our episodes and rough times after I got here. This is my first but my hubbies second marriage and I agree with you, people get wiser (sometimes) after a failed marriage.

Well, we both are in our 30s and had our fair share of failed relationships and we talked a lot about how we wanted to make our marriage work.

We had one marriage counseling session with the pastor who married us and I still remember most of what he told us and wished, we had more time with him.

When I arrived in the States, I adjusted fast to the life here, but I had to learn that adjusting and "growing roots" are not the same. To make a long story short, one morning I totally broke down and told my husband I wasn't sure if I could stay here and that I felt he didn't appreciate me and the fact I gave up my life in Germany for him. For him, this was a big shock because I never mentioned to him that I was unhappy. Well, I was still happy to be with him, but I wasn't happy about my life.

He was really shocked and scared I would leave him and at the same time upset that I never had mentioned anything to him.

So we sat down and remembered what we had talked about how to make our marriage work and what it takes to make it work and we talked for a looong time and made it through.

I would say, communication is everything..well, combined with lots of love, patience, being open for each others needs and always be willing to make compromises.

THis works very well for us.

[bhajishah 4]

THe Euro doing better than the dollar is a shock!!!

[nane1104 146]

THe Euro doing better than the dollar is a shock!!!

Not for europeans...

[zqt3344 21]

THe Euro doing better than the dollar is a shock!!!

Not for europeans...

It will come down which it already is, and the roles will reverse once again, cycles in markets.

[MBJ 0]

It's wise to take it slow and not rush things. The premarital thing BMJ and myself had was a bit of an eye opener not for how much we think apart but for how much we think alike and how when we are together we & how we come across to those outside of the relationship. Sounds a bit silly but being married before has really opened my eyes to how relationships work & what is required to get through the tough times and to enjoy the good times. Unfortunatly you have to have the bad to unerstand and appreciate the good. Its saddening to hear that folks dont survive the bad times, & that the bad times outweigh the good. But if your prepared mentally and emotionally for it you can make it.

[anxiouslywaiting 0]

One good piece of advice I got regarding moving to another country was that it will take you 6 months to adjust to where you are now living (ie: getting around and knowing where to go) and it will take you another 6 months for it to feel like home. The reason why I am finding this helpful is because I know that it isn't going to feel like home right away, I know it will take some adjusting. Another thing I have talked with my fiance about is how I am going to feel when I am down there. I know I am probably going to go through a little depression since I will be leaving my family and friends with whom I am extremely close with. He knows that on the days that I am upset and crying to know that I don't regret marrying him but that I just miss my family and friends. I think it is really important to understand that the individual that is leaving their home/country will go through stages and it will take some time to adjust and to know that they aren't regretting what they did they just miss home (which is totally expected!). Sorry for my rambling!