When Things Arent As They Appear

[Crisscat 0]

Well.........I never thought Id ever have to ask this type of question in VisaJourney.....

Its been a long road to permanent residency for us. We were so glad this stage was finally over and the 10 year

green card was obtained......phew......finally.........

But then........things didnt seem to be as they used to be years ago for us.... just over the last year Ive noticed

my husband now stays at work longer, we argue more, and he'd rather be on his laptop then doing things with me and

the kids. Now let me say this......he's not the only one guilty of spending too much time on the net as I have done that myself.

I am taking classes online and I surf ebay alot.

Anyway, I came across a girls name on his yahoo messenger friends list. Instead of asking him about it I thought Id be sneaky

and put his message archive on. (By the way, I have a yahoo ID as well and my archive is on all the time so that if he should

ever want to see any conversations I have with anyone they are there for his viewing.....I have nothing to hide). He must though

as he has been speaking with this woman in Northern Illinois for several months.....maybe longer who knows. I cant get him to tell

me the truth about it. At any rate I found this out right before Valentines Day and I had planned a romantic getaway for us. Then I saw

an instant message between him and her and he was trying his damnest to get this girls phone number so he could call her and she

could hear his "british accent"......

I decided I wasnt going to cancel the weekend trip and I decided not to say anything to him about it until afterwards and when I questioned

him on it boy did he blow a head gasket on me. We got into a really big fight over it and he ended up deleting this girl from his IM list. This

seemed to drive a wedge right between us. His time online became more and more so I did something that I thought Id never do to him.

I got a program and watched everything he did on his laptop. To much of my horror over a month period I have found that he watches

women camming in yahoo and adultfriend finder (sex site). And apparently he has a girl that he has been speaking to from England where

he used to live for over 4 years now.

We got into a major fight as I questioned him on "his activities" and questioned him about who Lisa was (the girl from England) who sent

him an email asking if she could be his sex slave......his reply was HELL YEAH.......... I feel as though our whole relationship has been

on deceit and him doing whatever other activities he does online. It seems through this whole ordeal I have found myself not knowing the

person I married. I seem to learn something different as each passing day goes by.

Our fight escalated to the point of him returning back to England......not a very good night indeed for anyone.

This brings me to the question for anyone that may be able to direct me in the right direction.

We have had one child together since being married 4 yrs now. During our fight my husband said he would be taking our daughter back to

England with him. I said like hell you will. She was born here in the USA. She doesnt have British citizenship or a British passport. She does

however have a US passport.

Is it possible for him to take her out of the USA? I understand our daughter is his child as well but all I can see now is a battle over who will

have custody of our little girl and I dont want another huge fight again. Its very mentally draining. He doesnt want to leave now after I told him

I would fight him for custody of our daughter. So we are currently co-existing together.

Anyone have any suggestions, comments, thoughts, or ideas of my dilemma?

Thanks

Sharri

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Oh Sharri. That is so, so awful, and I'm very sad to read your words. I don't have much constructive to add at the moment beyond my deepest sympathies. You sound like a strong woman with a good head on her shoulders (I don't know how I could have kept the composure you seem to have). I'm sure someone else on here will chime in with something more useful, but in the meantime, I'll be thinking of you and hoping for the best.

[stevi1123 0]

I am so sorry for your sadness and disappointment. I don't have any advice to offer, but I do offer prayers. I pray for you and your daughter; I pray for your marriage problems to be resolved (or dissolved); and I pray for your happiness.

[Jeraly 4]

Oh this is terrible to read - I can only imagine what you are going through right now.

It might sound a bit silly but have you established where the the problems started? I know you said after getting the 10 yr GC but I wondered if there was anything that had happened to make things change. Have you tried counselling? Are you prepared to try counselling?

In terms of custody - it sounds like he is going to be an @$$ if you do decide to break it off. My mum and dad had to go to court and it was hell for my mum when I was a kid but she retained custody of us. You have everything in your favour at that end though. Your daughter has always lived in the US, it is all she has ever known. If you file for divorce, it would be on the grounds of his infidelity which doesn't paint him in a good light. The only thing I can see being a major issue is cost of going to court and the massive stress of it all. It is possible that he might end up having to pay you less child maintenance based on him having to travel back and forth to the US... but I am just guessing as I am no expert by any means.

Keep your chin up and be strong - everyone is here for you

[Welshcookie 17]

I'm sorry to hear how much you are hurting Sharri

Before you start thinking about giving up on your marriage, is there no way you both can get over this? If there is still love there please try some couple counselling before making any major life changing decisions.

Men can be complete idiots when it comes to online porn sometimes, and he did definately step over the mark by trying to contact other women. I guess you have to decide what you can forgive and what you can/cannot live with.

Best of luck (F)

[o0pink0o 3]

I am sorry to hear on what happened between you and your husband. I agree with Welshcookie, try to attend marriage counseling and try to save the marriage. Your marriage will be in my prayers.

God bless you!

Pink

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. I agree with the other posters, if you are both willing give counselling a try. Men can be such idiots. My hubby had a few issues with the internet for a bit, but we sat down and talked (ok, I yelled screamed and cried and he talked) and we came to a conclusion that we now have NO SECRETS. Nothing. When it comes to the internet, there are too many ways to stray even if you don't mean to. He has all my passwords and I have his.

His getting angry was just because he was caught. Sit and talk with him. Tell him how his actions have hurt you.

If it doesn't work out, I think you will have a very good chance at custody. You child would have to be allowed to visit him in England if that is where he heads to, but I don't belive a judge would let him take her permantly.

Good Luck, I will say a prayer for you all.

[Crisscat 0]

First, thanks so much for all the well wishes and prayers during this difficult time, I really do appreciate the kind words and thoughts of encouragement.

Ill try to answer each one of your questions or at least comment to some who have asked questions.

Thanks elmcitymaven & stevi1123 for your kind words!

Jeraly.........dunno if you can really classify it as infidelity because as far as know, he has not physically stepped outside of the marriage (yet).

Although the intent does seem to be there and I guess I found out before any moves were made. He actually tells me that he had no intentions

on meeting up with anyone else or taking anything any further than what it had gone. Not exactly sure when things started going on haywire, Id have to say around the beginning of last year and then it seemed to escalate to the latter part of 2007. By January of 2008 he was staying at work longer and not coming home when he got off work. First it started to be only 15 mins late and now it has gotten up to an hour or more late. If I ask him where he has been he gets mad because I question him about it. He is adament that he is at work and nothing is going on with anyone. As of yet we arent really talking to each other and no mention has been made of counseling. I have asked him if he wants a divorce and he says no but I cannot help but believe that is because of our daughter. I dont think he wants to leave her here in the states with me; he wants to go back to England to take her with him.

Welshcookie.........quite honestly, I dont think its actually him watching other women naked on cam or even flirting in emails with them. What seems to bother me most is that he and myself both came out of previous marriages with infidelity being the cause of the break up of the marriage. I have known my husband and have been communicating with him since Feb 2001. Both of us decided before we ever met that we had to have complete honesty and openness in our relationship before we even thought of pursuing it. This was an agreement that we both made together. Ive always believed my husband was one of the most honest people I have ever met in my life. Although I have always thought it was strange that he never discloses very much information about his life growing up or even things that led to the break up of his first marriage. He just doesnt seem to open up as much as I do to him. I have done some things I wasnt very proud of in our marriage with like finances. When he wasnt working I was robbing Peter to pay Paul and would have to juggle bills and payments around. Eventually I took out a loan to help ease our financial strain at the time. I did not discuss it with him before I did it. Actually, I didnt think I would get the loan and when I did I was like oh #######, I need to tell Neil. One week passed and he found out about it and ripped my a$$ over how I went behind his back and didnt discuss the finances with him. He chewed me up one side and down the other and made me feel so totally guilty and shallow that I would do such a thing. So I think its his preaching on openness and honesty that gets to me the most. Its like I had to be completely and utterly honest with him; but he seems to be exempt from it.

oOpinkOo..........thank you for your well wishes

Glyn and Kathy..........We were alot like you and your significant other it seems. We never hid anything from each other. Everything was out on the table. I had all his passwords (or so I thought) and he certainly had everything of mine. We have talked numerous times about internet usuage and the time spent on it. In fact, I think we sat down and talked alot but at least on his end of the stick it didnt seem to sink it or matter obviously. It wasnt until I got a program and watched him that I started finding things out. Granted it took over a month or so but I was able to watch his activities. I remember just sitting at my PC saying to myself......please just let it be a bunch of guy things or junk that he is viewing........and each time that it was I was like phew........at one point I was even beginning to feel bad that I was watching him because he seemed to be doing just guy stuff. Then all of a sudden out of the woodwork comes all the "adult activies" and communications with a girl in England that he apparently was web camming with while he was "seeing" (if you can call a long distance relationship as seeing lol) me. I was even pregnant with our daughter while he was still communicating with this girl. So I asked him........if he had been communicating with this girl and it was so innocent between them then how come when he came over here he couldnt have stopped the communication or at the very least made me aware of it. His reply was I did know about the email address he had set up......which was true......I did know he set it up........but it was supposed to be for his business he started when he first got here and he had later changed the password so that I couldnt access it and gave the email address to the girl in England to be able to stay in contact with him.

I have to ask myself honestly..............is this worth getting all bent out of shape over??? But I cannot help but remember how he preaches honesty and openness to me........and then thats like adding salt to the wound.

Sharri

[Ban Hammer 13,622]

Well.........I never thought Id ever have to ask this type of question in VisaJourney.....

Its been a long road to permanent residency for us. We were so glad this stage was finally over and the 10 year

green card was obtained......phew......finally.........

But then........things didnt seem to be as they used to be years ago for us.... just over the last year Ive noticed

my husband now stays at work longer, we argue more, and he'd rather be on his laptop then doing things with me and

the kids. Now let me say this......he's not the only one guilty of spending too much time on the net as I have done that myself.

I am taking classes online and I surf ebay alot.

Anyway, I came across a girls name on his yahoo messenger friends list. Instead of asking him about it I thought Id be sneaky

and put his message archive on. (By the way, I have a yahoo ID as well and my archive is on all the time so that if he should

ever want to see any conversations I have with anyone they are there for his viewing.....I have nothing to hide). He must though

as he has been speaking with this woman in Northern Illinois for several months.....maybe longer who knows. I cant get him to tell me the truth about it. At any rate I found this out right before Valentines Day and I had planned a romantic getaway for us. Then I saw an instant message between him and her and he was trying his damnest to get this girls phone number so he could call her and she could hear his "british accent"......

I decided I wasnt going to cancel the weekend trip and I decided not to say anything to him about it until afterwards and when I questioned him on it boy did he blow a head gasket on me. We got into a really big fight over it and he ended up deleting this girl from his IM list. This seemed to drive a wedge right between us. His time online became more and more so I did something that I thought Id never do to him.

I got a program and watched everything he did on his laptop. To much of my horror over a month period I have found that he watches women camming in yahoo and adultfriend finder (sex site). And apparently he has a girl that he has been speaking to from England where he used to live for over 4 years now.

We got into a major fight as I questioned him on "his activities" and questioned him about who Lisa was (the girl from England) who sent him an email asking if she could be his sex slave......his reply was HELL YEAH.......... I feel as though our whole relationship has been on deceit and him doing whatever other activities he does online. It seems through this whole ordeal I have found myself not knowing the person I married. I seem to learn something different as each passing day goes by.

Our fight escalated to the point of him returning back to England......not a very good night indeed for anyone.

This brings me to the question for anyone that may be able to direct me in the right direction.

We have had one child together since being married 4 yrs now. During our fight my husband said he would be taking our daughter back to England with him. I said like hell you will. She was born here in the USA. She doesnt have British citizenship or a British passport. She does however have a US passport.

Is it possible for him to take her out of the USA? I understand our daughter is his child as well but all I can see now is a battle over who will have custody of our little girl and I dont want another huge fight again. Its very mentally draining. He doesnt want to leave now after I told him I would fight him for custody of our daughter. So we are currently co-existing together.

Anyone have any suggestions, comments, thoughts, or ideas of my dilemma?

Thanks

Sharri

wow. he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. while it appears he has not done anything beyond yapping with these gals of questionable virtue, one important thing is if he's had the opportunity or not to meet them. as you've read the archives, you'd know if that was the case or not. i'm suspecting he's not had the opportunity. if this entire situation was out in the open i would consider it harmless but given it's been a big secret........

regarding your kid, whoever files for divorce first usually sets the jurisdiction for the divorce case, so take that into account if he does go back to the uk.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

We have had one child together since being married 4 yrs now. During our fight my husband said he would be taking our daughter back to England with him. I said like hell you will. She was born here in the USA. She doesnt have British citizenship or a British passport. She does however have a US passport

He CAN'T. I was facing the same situation with my ex and my attorney metion something about the UK and some laws when it came to children and custody (I can't remember what it's called). PLEASE GET A CUSTODY ORDER if you do separate.

[Crisscat 0]

Thanks CharlesandNessa.....and Trelawny..........those are both good points to take into consideration. I never even thought of that myself.

Usually I have a pretty good head on my shoulders but in lew of recent happenings and arguments........my intelligence has been cloudy.....

Thanks!

[Sylvia_n_Joseph 3]

Other than the fact you said you are taking online classes I would suggest turning the internet off. A bit drastic but a marriage is more important than being online. If the web wasn't available then maybe he would spend more time with you.

[SaadBell 0]

I am so sorry, counseling is a great idea, even if he dosn't want to go, it would be good idea for you. Give you someone to vent too while maybe getting some new ideas to help. Hang in there

[VisaJourneyLady 33]

I really don't have any great insights and not knowing either of you I can't say what's going on. I just have two points to make.

Many people on this forum are on their visa journey and have gotten married or are engaged to someone that they met on the internet. It can be harmless fun, but it can lead to more. I think that you are perfectly entitled to feel disappointed and betrayed, if even just for the secrets that your husband has been keeping.

Secondly, I happen to believe that someone who strays (in what ever form) is not a lost cause. Sometimes as a relationship goes on things get more complicated, children are involved etc. Looking outside the marriage for some easy chat and fun, and withdrawing from the other partner is so much easier than dealing will all the problems at home. But I don't think that it means the relationship is doomed to failure. It does mean however that there is a lot of hard work ahead, and a lot of soul searching, crying and hopefully in the end forgivness and a new level of understanding. This is only possible if both parties want to stay together.

At the moment you are hurting, and he is in shock that his secret life has been exposed. It will probably take some time to figure out if you both want to work at your relationship. But I hope you do. I hope that it becomes something that eventually causes you guys to grow together as a couple rather that apart. What ever happens I wish you the best.

[Oosie 1]

Both the United States and the United Kingdom have signed the Hague Convention on child abduction. One parent can't take the child from the country without the consent of the other. If your husband does this then a British court would order that your child be handed back to you. Even if both parents as American citizens it's illegal for only one parent to sign a passport application for the child. It's possible to alert ports and airports if you believe your child is at risk of being taken out of the country. In your position I would probably misplace my child's passport in a safety deposit box somewhere just for a while. It can easily be found later.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice about what to do about your marriage but I hope you can rest easier about your child.