Trouble adjusting to life here

[sarahaziz 0]

Yup too bad we're not able to telepathically communicate or read minds. We'd be the perfect people.

[Nutty 2]

Where do you live?????

This is not my first time to sponsor a foreign husband (first husband was from Tibet) so I have been through the experience before. Even if they have a degree, there is no gaurantee that they get a job in their chosen profession. It is always hard the first year or two. However, where you live can make it easier or worse. I truly feel small towns/cities in conservative (white-bread) areas are going to be less receptive to a "foreigner." Put it down to lack of knowledge/exposure to other cultures. Good example: many people think Barak Obama is muslim just by his name and so opted to vote for Hillary on that basis alone.

I live in Portland, Oregon which is a liberal, very open-minded place. It's a mid-size city and has immigrant associations (even an Iranian on). Right now I am in the process of finding all Iranian connections so that my husband can network here and make his own friends.

However, if we find that Portland is not the best place for my husband to advance himself, we will definately move to where he can do better and become a financial stable and happy. Even if it means I quit my job.

Them (our foreign husbands) getting settled and adjusted is absolutely essential for the marital happiness. Prolonged culture shock and lack of opportunities can weaken their resolve and make them want to go back home.

Maybe you should consider moving to a place where your husband has more opportunities.

[honeyblonde 0]

I was going to comment but there isn't much to say that hasn't been said. I am currently looking for work in Europe or North Africa so we can move closer to my husbands family. I had to promise that to get him to come back after his last visit to his family. It's nice to know I'm not being used for a green card (although I already knew that) but I do feel a lot of pressure to hurry up and get closer to home for him or lose him.

My husband has worked but is currently doing temp work while looking for a permanent job. Last night we spent several hours at a job fair and he frequently spends time online looking at job sites from a list that the unemployment office gave him (that's how he found out about the job fair.)

He has dealt with a lot of harrassment and discrimination (we're in the heart of the deep south) but once people take time to get to know him they really like him. For that reason the temp agencies can be a great door-opener.

I'd also recommend volunteer work. Connections made there can lead to jobs doing something he really enjoys rather than the kind of manual labor jobs many of our husbands end up doing. If we didn't need his income I'd be pushing harder for Abdel to be in school but hopefully we'll be able to get out of debt within the next year so he can. He's also unwilling to commit to anything with the possibility of moving out of the US looming in the near future (I have two very good potential opportunities in the next few months).

I would go crazy at the silent treatment. When Abdel gets quiet and won't answer me if I ask what is wrong I find that just snuggling helps, although I guess that's hard to do with 3 kids around.

[myfellah 0]

I just wanted to let you know you are not the only person who has adjustments to make along with your husband. It's good to find a group that will listen and offer options without condemning. My husband has been here 3 years in a few more weeks. We've known each other almost 5 years now and believe me communication skills are an important part of any marriage to keep it working. I think my husband has had an easy time here but then I'm not really him and I'm sure he has had some very tough times being away from his culture and country. He has been back to visit for a month last year and may go back again in 09, he isn't sure. I can't even imagine moving from my country and then feeling not at home in either place at times. Just try to keep your husband busy and make sure he can stand on his own two feet at anytime, which it sounds like you have done. My husband has been working at the same job for over two years and hasn't experienced any discrimination, that I know of. He got a job easily, has his own car and his own bills He has worked hard at learning what he needs to make it here and I've been right along there with him at his side. We still have misunderstandings but we work on them as quickly as we can to clear the air. It's not easy on either couple to make the adjustments but it can be done. We are now finished with immigration, thank goodness. He only has his citizenship to go through, if he wishes. He has come a long way and it seems your husband has too. I can only suggest you not let him remain quiet, talk it out, it will make you both feel better. Good Luck!

Doreen

[Abderrahim/Kodi 0]

Also you might check with the "State" - Like the Department of Employment. I know where I live they have many special programs available to immigrants. They will pay for on-the-job training and then help him find a job. Its worth a try! I know he will feel so much better when he is working. Its hard for most men if they feel they are not contributing to the household. I will say prayers for you both. God is good and things will be ok - he just needs a little more time (and someone willing to give him a break!!)

[Crisscat 0]

Its actually harder to adjust for some compared to others.

My husband is from England and I always thought that his transition would not be a real problem other than missing family, friends, etc.

Boyyy was I wrong. Even though we are of the same English speaking background we still had some obstacles to get over with communication

and how to fully understand each other.

I tried almost every suggestion or idea I could think of or get from others to try and help his adjustment to the states. He has always said the small

town where we live is cramped, run down and few jobs. He's right, it is. We had a really difficult first year together; much more than I care to admit.

I tried incorporating things that I thought would ease his homesick feelings. Like cooking more English style meals, etc.

When a male is at home playing the house mouse role it isnt a pretty site lol. They tend to dwell on what they should be out doing instead of being

couped up in a house all day. It literally drives them bonkers I think.

We had a turning point when my husband decided to use some of his money that he brought over with him from England to start up his own little business. The first year was good for him. The second year even better. It kept him busy and he was earning some money finally. Not alot but enough

that it made him feel he was contributing to the household in a small way.

He kept telling me he didnt know what types of jobs to apply for or where to apply. So with his permission I began the "job hunt" for him. I created a resume for him and began submitting it all over. Sure enough, this worked and he got a job right away. It didnt work out for him because he hated it but it opened the door for another job so he left one and fell into the other. Everything worked out well.

He has currently been working the same job now for 2 1/2 yrs. He loves it. It is similar to a job he did back in England and they have great respect for him. They treat him very well and he enjoys the work to.

In my humble opinion, I think its all about obtaining work (moreso for males I think) because it gives them a sense that they are contributing

to the household and earning money.

Like so many others have suggested on here, try and help him obtain a job even if its something small to start, at least he will be earning money and

he wont have as much time to dwell on the things that are bringing him down.

Good luck to both of you!

Sharri

[honeyblonde 0]

Sharri,

Thanks for posting in this thread. It's good to hear that things are difficult from men of different cultures and backgrounds over here. Some of us tend to assume that our husbands have problems because they speak a different language or are Arab, but it's good to know that anyone can experience these problems, not just those who are so obviously "different".

Abdel has been at a temp job for about 4 weeks now and just found out that he might be able to go permenent after 2 more months. They are currently training him to do a specific job and he loves it. He's working in a warehouse where they load used luxury sports cars into containers for export. Abdel is about 5'4" and weighs maybe 130, so they chose him to drive the cars into the containers since it's a pretty tight squeeze getting out of the car inside the container and bigger guys can't do it. Yesterday he got to drive a Mercedes. He said it's lots of fun driving the cars through the warehouse because he has to constantly beep the horn (to warn people the car is approaching) and everyone stops and looks at the cars, even the big bosses. After how hard he's had to work the past 2 years I'm happy to see him getting at least a little time each day doing something so fun. The only bad thing about it is that now he misses a lot of his breaks going back and forth between two jobs and the other job is loading pallets. When the boxes are over 100 pounds and he's lifting them over his head for the top row of the pallet, he comes home wiped out. I hope he will be able to stop doing that part of the job soon because I really miss him when he's always half dead.

In the evenings now we're teaching each other. He's teaching me French and since I just finished my third semester of Spanish, I'm teaching him that. He already knows a lot of slang since he's from the north of Morocco, so sometimes he's teaching me that too. we want to both be prepared for whatever country I'm able to get a job in.

[*JG* 2]

It is a recurring theme for many different cultures/countries. My husband has been here nearly 2 years now. We've had our good and our bad, yet dealt with it all as it came. The family and friends back home has been the most difficult for us. There were times I didn't think we might survive that; but we have and we've learned how to effectively deal with them and still maintain our sanity.

There are no set ways or absolutes in this process. Everyone deals differently. The real jewel in all this is we have a place like VJ to vent and share.