another wife's dilemma

[confuseddd 0]

I've posted here a few times about problems with my husband. Recently my husband went back to his country so we could take a break/maybe divorce. He assumed he was going for a breather. We were fighting constantly and he was very homesick. Well two weeks has turned into two months and although we had both agreed if certain changes were made, that he should come back and we could give it another try. A few days later I get a call from his family that he is in the hospital and he attempted suicide. He has been there a week now and isn't due to be released until further notice. I won't get into details but I really believe now that he is bipolar and is obviously very sick. He blames me for everything but I know (thank God) that I'm not totally to blame. One day he blames me, the next he takes full responsibility and is sorry for everything and asks me what he can do to prove to me he loves me.

I really do love him but I feel confused. He treated me like ####### a lot of the time he was here living with me. But we also did have a lot of good times. I miss him but I'm scared if I continue with this I'm making a huge mistake. Its already difficult enough that we are newlyweds, have cultural differences, and now attempted suicide/possible bipolar? :

I have no experience in situations like this. I do love him. I just don't know what to do! Should I be on the next plan to be by his side? Should I be tough and let him work it out there with his family? Should I run for my life while I can?

And...how long can one be out of the country on AP while their green card is still pending?

:crying:

Edited May 9, 2008 by confuseddd

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

Should I run for my life while I can?

Yes

[Spiderette 0]

I'm sorry about your situation.

The statistics for bipolar marriages are not good either: 90% of people who are suffering from bipolar disorder go through divorce proceedings

Good luck to both of you

[sj5 4]

its your chance now to run for your life.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I am sorry for what you are going through. This is a very tough choice. I wouldn't base the choice on what happened with your Husband recently but rather on very valid feelings you are having. It doesn't have to be difficult it can be easy and much easier to do when apart like this but... well...separations and divorce or never easy but time and distance can make it easier. Best wishes.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

The easier thing to do would be run.

If you love him and want to stay by his side, do so. It's your life.

Follow your heart, your instinct...it's the only real truth that you should listen to, not some strangers on a forum such as this one who know nothing of your history with this person or how you feel.

Be true to yourself, if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

Best of luck to you

~Laura

[carpe diem 2]

This is so difficult. I think nobody is really qualified to advise another person what to do, except if you feel that his behavior rises to the level of abuse (either physical or psychological), in which case I would say run for your life because it gets harder to break away as the abuse progresses. What concerns me is that it sounds like he, and possibly his family, is blaming you for his suicide attempt. This may sound harsh, but it was his decision to attempt suicide, and he is the one who has the ultimate responsibility for his well-being and mental health, and it is grossly unfair and a red flag that anyone tries to manipulate you into thinking otherwise. Please do not go on with the relationship because you feel guilty or afraid of what he might do to himself if you leave him-- nothing good will come of it.

If he really is bipolar and you decide to continue the relationship, you sign up for having a patient as well as a husband. This said, some people get it under control with medication and by being very disciplined in avoiding situations that might trigger a strong response. I know a few people with similar serious mental illnesses (not sure whether they are bipolar) who are in successful long-term relationships but it is very hard on the other person. Also, none of them deals with the additional strains of leaving their country and family behind. In fact one man I know who suffered from severe bouts of depression declined an invitation to study at a very prestigious university abroad (he's brilliant) because he was afraid he would not be able to handle being away from family, friends and a familiar environment.

I can only say look into your heart and be very honest with yourself about whether you really love this person more than anyone in the world and whether you have the strength to deal with all the problems you already know you will get into. No matter what you decide, make sure you don't turn into a slave of his illness. Until proven otherwise, I believe that each of us has only one life and you deserve to make the best out of yours. You have to make it clear that his illness does not make it acceptable for him to treat you badly and that he is still accountable for his behavior.

As for whether you should go over there-- again, be very honest with yourself. I would first try to decide what to do and then figure out what would be best for him. If you decide not to continue the relationship, it may make things worse if you visit him. You may also want to discuss this with his family if you feel comfortable with them and trust their judgment, or perhaps with a psychiatrist who knows more about this illness.

Take good care.

[HannahP 119]

Being newly diagnosed with a mental illness is hard. For the next several months, *his* life is probably going to revolve around getting on the correct medication, finding a good therapist and psychiatrist, and possibly other hospitalizations. If you choose to stick next to him, you may find that he will emerge the man that you fell in love with -- or he may not. (For what it's worth, I wouldn't necessarily trust an initial diagnosis of bipolar disorder -- it's rather faddish right now. It took me nearly five years and over a dozen hospitalizations before I landed on a diagnosis that seemed to fit.)

I am someone with a fairly severe host of mental...problems. So maybe that biases me a bit. My husband has stuck with me through thick and thin. He loved me at seventy pounds and he loved me at a hundred pounds. He loved me when I needed 90+ stitches to my arm and he loved me when my alcoholism almost destroyed our marriage. Yet, the normal-ness of our relationship certainly outnumbers the un-normal-ness. The idea that you'll always have to be a "caretaker" as well as a partner is absolutely ridiculous.

Could it hurt to stick with him through the short-term, at least? To feel out whether he'll be compliant with his medications, whether his abuse was a result of his disorder and not something ingrained in his personality? Believe it or not, underneath all of that mental illness is the man that you decided to marry.

I'd also try searching for boards populated by people who are related to the mentally ill. (You might try googling NAMI to start.) This board has always been painfully anti-mental illness; but most people here have no idea either what it's like to be mentally ill or what it's like to be in a relationship with someone with a mental illness.

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

RUN don't WALK away.....

Don't become a martyr for love...Let him and his family work through his problems, it's not something to attempt to take on at this stage...

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Being newly diagnosed with a mental illness is hard. For the next several months, *his* life is probably going to revolve around getting on the correct medication, finding a good therapist and psychiatrist, and possibly other hospitalizations. If you choose to stick next to him, you may find that he will emerge the man that you fell in love with -- or he may not. (For what it's worth, I wouldn't necessarily trust an initial diagnosis of bipolar disorder -- it's rather faddish right now. It took me nearly five years and over a dozen hospitalizations before I landed on a diagnosis that seemed to fit.)

I am someone with a fairly severe host of mental...problems. So maybe that biases me a bit. My husband has stuck with me through thick and thin. He loved me at seventy pounds and he loved me at a hundred pounds. He loved me when I needed 90+ stitches to my arm and he loved me when my alcoholism almost destroyed our marriage. Yet, the normal-ness of our relationship certainly outnumbers the un-normal-ness. The idea that you'll always have to be a "caretaker" as well as a partner is absolutely ridiculous.

Could it hurt to stick with him through the short-term, at least? To feel out whether he'll be compliant with his medications, whether his abuse was a result of his disorder and not something ingrained in his personality? Believe it or not, underneath all of that mental illness is the man that you decided to marry.

I'd also try searching for boards populated by people who are related to the mentally ill. (You might try googling NAMI to start.) This board has always been painfully anti-mental illness; but most people here have no idea either what it's like to be mentally ill or what it's like to be in a relationship with someone with a mental illness.

[pushbrk 12,969]

Being newly diagnosed with a mental illness is hard. For the next several months, *his* life is probably going to revolve around getting on the correct medication, finding a good therapist and psychiatrist, and possibly other hospitalizations. If you choose to stick next to him, you may find that he will emerge the man that you fell in love with -- or he may not. (For what it's worth, I wouldn't necessarily trust an initial diagnosis of bipolar disorder -- it's rather faddish right now. It took me nearly five years and over a dozen hospitalizations before I landed on a diagnosis that seemed to fit.)

I am someone with a fairly severe host of mental...problems. So maybe that biases me a bit. My husband has stuck with me through thick and thin. He loved me at seventy pounds and he loved me at a hundred pounds. He loved me when I needed 90+ stitches to my arm and he loved me when my alcoholism almost destroyed our marriage. Yet, the normal-ness of our relationship certainly outnumbers the un-normal-ness. The idea that you'll always have to be a "caretaker" as well as a partner is absolutely ridiculous.

Could it hurt to stick with him through the short-term, at least? To feel out whether he'll be compliant with his medications, whether his abuse was a result of his disorder and not something ingrained in his personality? Believe it or not, underneath all of that mental illness is the man that you decided to marry.

I'd also try searching for boards populated by people who are related to the mentally ill. (You might try googling NAMI to start.) This board has always been painfully anti-mental illness; but most people here have no idea either what it's like to be mentally ill or what it's like to be in a relationship with someone with a mental illness.

I'm going to side with this thinking too. If a boyfriend or girlfriend has such problems, I can see getting out and getting out fast but this is a spouse. Since you aren't even in the same country at the moment, unless you've alrady lined up your next relationship, I don't see what the hurry would be to "run". You don't know how things will progress in the near future.

[carpe diem 2]

HannahP, thank you very much for your perspective and your candor, I really appreciate it. I should have softened my statement about her having a patient, not just a husband-- and as I said and your example shows, many people with psychiatric illnesses can have loving, valuable relationships with their partners (and I would add with their children). Also, as you say, the diagnosis may not be correct (and I'm not sure there is a diagnosis here). I know someone who suffered from a severe psychosis once and recovered, and it may never return-- his girlfriend stuck with him and they have decided to have children together. I also should have said that my experience with psychatric illness is limited and I may have generalized too much.

This said, from my observations, limited as they are, I perceive that there can be -- not always or even most of the time -- a real risk that the illness completely comes to control and even destroy the partner, especially if the person with the illness fails to take responsibility and manipulates the partner into believing that he/she is the cause of major mood swings, etc. I understand it's even harder on the person who is suffering from a psychiatric illness but unfortunately this person doesn't have the option to walk away-- which is not to say that this is what the partner should do but certainly something he/she has every right to consider.

In the end, the choice is entirely up to the OP. I find it impossible to advise those close to me on whether or not to continue their romantic relationships and understand that it's easy to simplify matters on an anonymous Internet board and that I may have been guilty of that, for which I apologize. OP, my only advice is to be honest (both to yourself and to your husband-- not necessarily in what you say to him in the short term but in the decisions you make) and to take the time to try to find out what you really feel for him. I'm wishing you the best and I hope everything turns out well for both of you, whether together or apart.

Edited May 10, 2008 by carpe diem

[victor+natasha 0]

RUN don't WALK away.....

Don't become a martyr for love...Let him and his family work through his problems, it's not something to attempt to take on at this stage...

It seems like people forget that part of our marriage vows is "for better or for worth, in sickness and in health, till death do us part."

Edited August 1, 2008 by victor+natasha

[MrsRowe 2]

You kow i have seen all of you post, most of you are telling her to run, leave her husband. It is easy to say when it's not you in that situation. Furthermore what happened to their wedding vows. I would not just leave my husband because he has a mental illness. I took my vows and i meant them. That's why the divorce rate these days are so high cause people just walk away. Now more than ever he needs her. She clearly understands that he is ill, whether it's mental illness or a physical ailment, shouldnt' she be there to support him? I am just saying. I woudln't want my husband to leave me today because i am mentally ill. There are great advances in medication these days. Maybe with the right medication this illness is manageable. Maybe she should talk to his doctors and see what his prognosis is befoer she decides to walk out.

[baxxy 0]

RUN don't WALK away.....

Don't become a martyr for love...Let him and his family work through his problems, it's not something to attempt to take on at this stage...

Best advice right here! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, it will never be any different. Don't let him pull you down, let the family work through it and take it from there. Good luck (run, run, run)