Children from previous marriage

[Tunisia216 2]

I can respect that this works for you family, I just do not see it working for mine. Maybe I'm being a peace love and happiness head in my bum kind of person here, but I'm just trying to look at the long term as well as the short term. Eventually situations are going to arise where my son is doing something that both his father and I want to share with him, and his step father and possible step mother would like to be included in - sporting events, school plays, graduation, marriage, grand children being born and I just don't want to him to ever be sitting there thinking - who do I invite? How do I keep them separated? What if Dad and step dad get into it? Mom and step mom hate each other - I don't want to watch my son walking across a football field getting his diploma and knowing that his father and I had to sit on opposite sides of the field because we can't be adult enough to all get along...

And I think that my working relationship with my ex husband contributes to him and I seeing the three of us (3 now, maybe 4 if he gets married) as a working unit, all being there for Aaron. Also I was raised by a step father, with a father that was rarely around (in and outter all of my life) so I think that my perception is just different on this one. I think the step parents can play a really wonderful role in the child's life and if everyone can get along, I don't see the harm in occasional meals together and such. Of course if you don't have a good or civil relationship with your ex spouse, that's not going to work - and of course there were times that things were so bad between my ex and I, I could never imagine being on friendly terms with him - But situations change and we're changing our family situation with them..

I remember the courses we took when we divorced - I don't know about other states but Delaware mandates that both parents take a series of courses about divorce, children's issues, custody, child welfare, etc - And the main point that they drove home to us was that even if we are not together, we are both still responsible for creating a positive environment for our child. I just can't imagine that a child would feel secure or comfortable when father and step father do not know each other at all or vice versa for mother and step mother - again that's just my opinion and I acknowledge that different families have different situations and solutions- Whatever works for you.

Edited April 30, 2008 by Ash * Habibati

[ya falaha! 0]

Caring for and loving a child that is not yours biologically is great and (hopefully) expected in a step relationship however, there should be boundries. My current loves my boys but he realizes they are not his (biologically). They have a dad and have a good relationship with him. I hope my post wasn't misunderstood as my current not having a loving relationship with the children. My point is more that ex's don't really need to be buddies with currents. They don't really need to have a relationship with currents other than communicating the childrens' needs or attending important events involving the children. Some current and ex's are hostile towards each other and not having too much involvement with each other could be for the best.

My current has a relationship with my sons but they are NOT his children.

My relationship is different because Bassi does see my daughter as his child. His relationship with her is one of a parent. The biology is truly irrelevant when raising a child. It's best for parents to be communicating regularly and civilly about their children. So, he has to also have a relationship with my ex-husband. They aren't buddies and never will be, just like I'm not buddies with my ex-husband. But we are all completely committed and in love with a little girl, and our behavior reflects that.

[Tunisia216 2]

My current has a relationship with my sons but they are NOT his children.

My relationship is different because Bassi does see my daughter as his child. His relationship with her is one of a parent. The biology is truly irrelevant when raising a child. It's best for parents to be communicating regularly and civilly about their children. So, he has to also have a relationship with my ex-husband. They aren't buddies and never will be, just like I'm not buddies with my ex-husband. But we are all completely committed and in love with a little girl, and our behavior reflects that.

I agree with what you wrote 100% That's what I meant. Of course Aaron has a father and no one is ever going to replace his father. And I understand and do not expect Jihed to roll into town and day one start acting as the "father in my home" I intend to remain the disciplinarian in the home, but over time, months, years, I also expect that if Jihed sees Aaron doing something I don't see, that he will correct him - And that Aaron respects the authority of Jihed being an adult in our home.

[ya falaha! 0]

I wasn't talking about shutting the currents out of the children's lives and activities. I was more talking about them (exs and currents) not needing to have a friendship or communication other than that involving the children.

What struck me in Ash's post was that her current isn't a fan of the ex or vice versa. Like I said before, if there's a possibility of hostility it's probably best to keep them separated as much as possible. Also, to communicate to the ex and the current a need to be civil for the sake of the children.

I guess it depends on the family. My ex's wife attends every parent/teacher conference, volunteers at school events, shows up at every softball game, etc. So far it's worked for us for the past ten years but again it's an every family is different type of thing I guess.

Edited April 30, 2008 by moody

[Tunisia216 2]

I see what you are saying and that's my fault - bad communication - I was trying to illustrate that there have been issues- I did the common thing which was to confess everything to Jihed that went bad in my first marriage and it was from one side (there is always his, her's and the truth) and of course that put a bad taste in his mouth for my ex - And my ex I'm not going to try to cover for him, isn't a MENA man fan - making completely off the wall statements and stereotypical things... However -They have both stated they will get along fine for the sake of Aaron - My ex is 'eager' (that's not the right word and I can't find one to put there) to meet Jihed - And Jihed has said that he will be friendly and completely mature toward my ex - (Throwing in the added, "but I won't stand by and listen to him speak to you as he has in the past, you are my wife now and no one is going to talk to you like that) lol

As I type I see what Moody was saying and of course it's not something that I am going to know until Jihed gets here and we test the waters... Time to poke the toes out there and see what happens - But first and foremost Aaron will always be kept first in the picture, and his best interest is at heart...

But the original post I made was not about ex's - but more about problems people have experienced from the new person coming into the life of Mom and Child... and how you dealt with them..

Edited April 30, 2008 by Ash * Habibati

[honeyblonde 0]

My sons were 12 and 16 when I married my last husband before Abdel (my current husband) who was also Moroccan. My oldest and my ex just basically ignored each other, but he and my 12 year old fought horribly. He was only 25 when I married him, and my son just didn't see him as being someone he should respect. He didn't respect my son either. I saw him slap his little brother when I went to Morocco, and I think it was as much is fault as my sons that they didn't get along. My son could see that he didn't respect me or either of the boys, and he didn't like that at all.

When I married Abdel my sons were 20 and 24. There was a huge difference. Both of them still were living at home and again, my oldest kindof ignored Abdel, but this time my youngest is totally different. He loves Abdel like a big brother and Abdel thinks the world of him. He and his girlfriend moved across the country last year and I think Abdel has missed him more than I do.

There are certain dynamics that will have a big impact on how your son and husband get along. Your son is still really young and also has a great relationship with his father, so those things will work in your favor I think. My sons and I had been alone for a long time and their own father is rather distant, so we had bonded beyond what children with both parents around do. My son definitely resented anyone intruding on his relationship with me when he was 12, but by 20 he had his own friends and was happy to see someone come into my life to be the best friend he had been for so long.

My oldest even bonded with Abdel recently when he found Abdel sitting home out of work going into a depression. The oldest has moved out but still comes over to do laundry. He went through a depression himself in his early 20s so he immediately recognized where Abdel was mentally and called me at work to alert me, then spent time showing him how to look for work and helping him work on his resume.

I agree with you about keeping a good relationship with your ex, all the way around. The old saying "it takes a village to raise a child" is true in my opinion. My sons step-mother was the only reason my ex ever put the kids on his medical insurance and the reason he started paying child support when she found out he hadn't ever paid any. While they were married she was the one who drove the 2 hours each way to meet me once a month for their visits, and she was the one who bought their school clothes and paid half of all of the medical bills I sent her. She was the one who was strict on them when they spent weeks there in the summer and made them learn to clean up after themselves and help around the house. When she divorced their dad all financial help beyond child support stopped and the child support started always being late with me having to ask for it. Their visits became erratic and turned into never-ending video game parties.

Moody, each situation is different. You are lucky to have an ex who is a fully-responsible adult. Not all of us have that luxury. What works for you might not work for others, and as you say, what works for others won't work for you. It's this diversity that makes us each unique and interesting individuals.

As for getting advice on a public forum, any research on a topic is better than none in helping someone prepare for any situation. This forum provides a group of people who are in similar situations who can provide feedback that can be evaluated by the requestor. If it didn't, why would any of us have even come here in the first place? Some may stay for the friendships, but I think most of us came here to learn from other people's experiences.

[*JG* 2]

It took a little while for my kids to bond with my husband as all are shy all the way around.

I planned fun things for all of us on the weekends....the Zoo, 6 flags, etc. This seemed to help the transition.

[doodlebugg 10]

honeyblonde I have to laugh because my ex's wife is the one I call when the child support check is late! LOL She's the only reason I eventually get it! When I think of the possibility of them ever getting divorced I shudder because I know that the kids would be totally crushed. They've known her since they were 1 and 2 and think of her as a big part of the family. When something good happens in their lives, they always want to call and tell her.

Truth be told if it weren't for the kids I'd never have communication with my ex or his wife but I feign niceness for the sake of the kids. One of the first things they taught us in a class required by all residents of Massachusetts going into divorce is not to bring the kids into your arguments and to be as much as a WHOLE family as possible. If that means gritting my teeth and plastering a smile on my face during birthday parties and drop offs during holidays then so be it.

[ya falaha! 0]

Your boy is little still so he may just take to your husband right away and you may not have any problems. I have two preteens who are set in their ways and loyal to dad so it took a little longer for then to warm up to my husband. The first few weeks he was here they were excited about him being here. It was like, ooh a fun new person in the house! After that they were guarded and maybe felt a little disloyal to dad if they had fun with stepdad. Now (a year later) they've discovered things they can do together that they all enjoy. They realize that stepdad loves and cares about them. Like every family, issues arise but we deal with them as they come.

[Tunisia216 2]

amen to teeth gritting!!

I may need a good dentist come this time next year

[honeyblonde 0]

Moody, I read your other posts after I posted and understand what you are saying better now. Yeah, I don't think they need to be buddy-buddy or anything.

Bridget, I didn't particularly like my ex's wife, but I did love the hour and a half ride home with the boys complaining about her. It was great to hear about her being the one sitting on the couch watching football telling my ex to bring her a beer and change the baby. He never helped with our boys and expected me to wait on him hand and foot, so it was sweet revenge to sit and listen to how she treated him. After their divorce the boys said their dad said that compared to her I was an angel. He called her all kinds of horrible names to them.

When my oldest and his girlfriend had their baby last month he brought their half-brother down a week or two later to see the baby (he lives about 4 hours away). I didn't have to see him or talk to him at all and it was great. Abdel has no desire to meet him and now that the boys are grown I don't expect to have to see him ever again unless one of them gets married or dies or graduates from college.

[ya falaha! 0]

This may sound strange but I really can't relate to parenting classes or child support. We didn't/don't do any of that. The boys' needs are met so we don't feel the need to exchange money with each other.

[Tunisia216 2]

This may sound strange but I really can't relate to parenting classes or child support. We didn't/don't do any of that. The boys' needs are met so we don't feel the need to exchange money with each other.

That doesn't sound strange for me.. That is our situation. We never even went to court for custody matters. We agreed between ourselves, had our lawyer draw up a document, and then the family court judge signed it to make it "official" We never even put foot into a court room.

I have my son one week and he has him the next. Friday to Friday. Aaron goes to a daycare / private school located in his father's development and I drop Aaron off on Friday morning and his father picks him up on Friday afternoon, the following Friday we do the opposite. There is no child support at all. When I have Aaron, I take care of him, when his father has him, he takes care of him. The only thing is his father does make more money than I do, so we agreed that his father will pay the daycare expenses and has Aaron on his medical insurance (which is the same as mine since we work together) However next year Aaron will start kindergarten.. We agreed to use the same daycare for before and after school care (they will put him on the bus) so there are no issues next year, the schedule will remain the same. And the cost went down a lot as his father is only going to have to pay for the morning and afternoon care and not the full day. The same daycare center will continue to do this program for children through 4th grade and my ex and I agreed that for now (unless one of us move or something drastic changes) we will stick to this schedule because it works best for us.

Right after the split we thought about how to make it work - the one of us having him during the week and another on weekends - and that didn't seem fair - the person who had him during the week had more "days" with him 5 days to 2 days, but the person who had him on the weekend got more "quality time" because there was not work and school going on.. So we felt for us a 7 on 7 off schedule worked much better. I think that's going to be a benefit when Jihed gets here too - This is probably going to sound horribly selfish but I have not seen my husband in 10 months, the thought that every other week it will be just Jihed and I, definitely is a little comforting, at least at first, to give us time to be together alone

Hehehe.

[a1angied 0]

My husband has been here for 10 months. I was worried about how my children would be since my son was almost 19 and my daughter was almost 17. Yes they had talked with Hasan via the webcam and all of that but I was very unsure. My daughter the night before I was going to leave to go to pick him up at the airport tried cutting herself. She was afraid that she was going to lose me, since I raised them mostly by myself their father was in and out of our lives. Well the next day when we came into town she was all excited to meet him and she was the first to meet him and was very happy about that. We went to Walmart and they had a blast. Then she wanted to introduce him to Mexican food and we did. My son was really good with Hasan and sill is to this very day.

My husband is not always happy with the way my children are and has never disciplined my children. He will have talks with them if they are not doing what they need to be doing, or when my daughter is in a drama mode and not talking to me as she should he lets her know that is not ok to talk to me like that but in a very calm and loving way.

My husband also has 4 children in Jordan. So he will send money to care for his children as he should. I love to go and get things that we can send them. He knows that he won't be able to visit them for maybe another year or two.

I have learned that I can learn from others experiences and learn from my own as well. I try to just pray and receive guidence from God and that is all I can do. Did I worry alot about how things might be or what if's but it did no good, just alot of stress and worry for something I had no control over.

[jom 4]

My husband has 4 children from two previous marriages. Two adult daughters from the first one and two sons ( 6 and 7 ) from the last one. Before I arrived here, we were already talking online, on the phone and saw each other on the cam. I had no problems with them when I finally arrived here , especially the small ones since they are with us every other weekend. My husband was very honest with them about the situation so they understood. In fact, after I exchanged vows with my husband during our wedding, I also exchanged vows with my step children. My step-daughters are on their own and the boys are well disciplined. One thing that I am thankful is that they respect me. The youngest one is like my tail . . he also wanted to marry me, hahaha. I am very patient with them, considering their age but I also impose discipline. So far ,everthing is working great for all of us.