Children from previous marriage

[Tunisia216 2]

As it gets closer to his interview.. just 5 days now, I've been thinking alot about my son. I have a 5 year old from my first marriage and he's never met my husband. Trips are just too expensive and the flights are too long to have ever considered taking him over to Tunisia (at least not until he's much older) so now I'm looking at the situation where overnight my home is going to go from just being me and my son to being me, my son, and Jihed... How do I help my son adjust? He's talked to Jihed alot on webcam and the telephone but I know that's not the same. I'd say for more than a year now they've been talking on cam - probably 2 years, gifts were always sent back with me for my son which he positively loved, but again not the same...

How do you help a 5 year old adjust? My son spends one week with me and one week with his father (His father and I live just 2 miles apart from one another in the same town ) So he has a good father that spends all the necessary time and gives the affection and attention to him - he's not in a situation where he has no fatherly influence.. I'm just wondering how to make this go off smooth and without a lot of problems.

I was thinking the first week Jihed gets here, it's a good week for Aaron to be with his father. To let Jihed adjust to life here, get use to my home and things like that. And then I thought about the next week (which should be my week with my son) letting my son stay another week with his father, but me taking him for a few hours each evening, going out to the park, restaurants, etc and eventually coming back to my home and spending time there - And then the third week, business as usual with my son staying with me - I know that's not an idea situation - I mean I can't imagine what it's going to feel like for Aaron but I don't know any other way to handle it. Ideal situation would be Jihed and I dating over a long period of time and Aaron getting use to him that way - but it's not possible because of the long distance, immigration, etc...

For those of you that have been in this situation before, how did you handle it? How did it go? Reactions from your child (children) as well as your spouse? What problems did you face? How did you overcome them? What should I expect??

Thanks in advance for any response, I'm just a wee bit worried

[doodlebugg 10]

Excellent subject!!!! Hopefully people won't be too shy to comment since these issues can lead to testy discussions to say the least.

I can't speak for a 5 year old so I will just share my own experience and hopefully a little of it will help you. My children are both girls and they just recently turned 11 and 12 years old (irish twins ). During our "courtship" online and after our marriage I spoke to my husband via webcam just about daily give or take some time off during the end where seeing each other was too hard emotionally for me. I always involved my kids during these talks for the first few minutes whether it be having them come over and saying hi, talking about school, sports, etc. They loved trying to say things in arabic and seeing if he could understand. (I had a translation book they'd use.)

That was the extent of their involvement. I never played up his coming here just in case it didn't happen but they knew we loved each other and they knew that eventually he would come to the US. I hold weekly "family meetings" and have done so since they were 3 and 4. We have fun with them and it gives them a chance to speak their mind and tell me what is bothering them. In a few of the meetings they brought up their fears, etc. and we talked about them openly. They were scared about a lot of things, but mostly of having a man in the house, since it had been just us three girls for over 10 years.

I truly expected the worst since a LOT of people prepared me for that and told me it would be hell in the beginning. Hindsight's 20/20 but I really wish I hadn't listened to them now since it just made me very fearful myself and put some dread into what should have been a truly pure happy anticipation to his arrival.

My husband is the most laid back man I know. He totally won them over and made me love him ten times more (if that's at all possible) by doing what he's done with them. He is extremely patient with them as far as not pushing them to like him and not even so much as commenting if they act out. Mostly they have just done silly stuff and acted like normal kids who don't know how to act in a certain situation but they've also been a little rebellous in that they wouldn't put their dishes away or pick up after themselves when I would ask. Their little way of taking control I guess. Instead of suggesting that they do what I say, he did things for them that they should have done.

Things were a little tense the first few days but it's only been two weeks or so now and now my 11 yr old goes straight home to play WII with him after school. One day they both walked the beach after school. My oldest is a little shyer but the other night we were just chilling in our room and she came in and plopped on the bed and started asking him questions about Egypt and putting the questions in some online translation thing to see if he knew what it said.

I think a 5 yr old male would be a little easier but then what do I know, I have girls. I made and continue to make dua that my children will warm to him and that he will be a good power of example to them. So far so good on both ends

I think you should keep his schedule with you the same though. I kept ours basically the same, though they spent a little more time with their dad while I had my operation, and I'm glad because otherwise I think they would have resented him for taking time with me away from them.

Good luck!

[Tunisia216 2]

Thank you Bridget!! You're awesome!!!

I'm glad to hear that the transition has gone well with your girls!! Sounds like you've got a great guy there!!

Jihed is a lot like you described your husband - he's extremely laid back and all of his cousins and small children that we were around in Tunisia flock to him - he becomes like this huge couch or jungle gym and they are all playing on top of him and he loves it.

There have even been a few times that I was on cam with him or on the phone and had to ask him to hold on because my son was acting out and he freaked - OMG don't spank him, don't yell at him - Ashley he's only 5, really he's a child and he doesn't understand yet

Jihed doesn't believe in spanking, he was never spanked as a child nor were his 4 siblings. I don't think his father even yelled at them - he's such a calm and laid back guy. He said his Mother did more of the yelling and fussing.

I can seriously see him acting much the same way and doing what your hubby did in regards to the girl's not listening or doing tasks they were supposed to do.

I talked to Jihed about it in great length- my worries and concerns - and he told me that I worry too much and that he already loves and adores Aaron and that it would be just fine.

My son is calm, very loving and warms up to people so fast (sometimes faster than I would like him too - lol - i.e. Dad's 8 girlfriends since the divorce )

I was just worried that he has not seen me with any men or been around me with men that it might come as a slight shock to him. He's asked me a lot why I don't have a "boyfriend" and why there is no man in our house - Keeps saying "Mommy we need a Daddy here at your house!! " To which I just said I'm happy with it being Mommy and Aaron, aren't you? And he just let the subject go for the time being.

So you don't think and interim week would be a good idea? I thought about it from both sides - the good being that Aaron can at least take a week to see and know Jihed (outside of Aaron walking in and finding Jihed in the house) but on the other side I don't want Aaron to feel like he's being pushed away - He'll know that it's his week to be at my house and maybe not understand why he's not coming to my home - and see it as well Jihed is here now and Mommy doesn't want me in the house??!! I'm confused

My ex is back and forth on the subject. One day talking about being excited to meet Jihed and take him out golfing (over my dead body lol) and another week going on about I'm not doing the right thing and it's not being done the right way for Aaron's sake and why didn't Jihed come here and visit a few times before I just brought him here to live, etc (Ex doesn't understand the true impossibility of that one, the cost of it, the hardship of even being able to get a tourist visa, etc)

I won't be dishonest, there's been a lot of fights about it between my ex and I - Scrabbles over everything under the sun and him even going off one time about, "Don't you know he's going to come here and beat you? You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into, etc" Amusing considering the 5 year marriage with my ex sometimes involved that and that Jihed would never hit a woman, but again, stupid stereotypes and people being ignorant to reality.....

I'm just praying, as you did, and inshallah it will be fine.

[sara..... 371]

i don't have any kids yet but my one of my elder sisters married a man after marraige to someone else and she talked a long time to my mom about if the kids should stay with her for a week or so after the marraige....... my mom told her best thing in the world is for the kids to be there when he arrives so that they feel like they are not losing their mom and that they are all part of the same family......let the kids be excited and join in the fun of preparing for when he comes.......let the kids welcome him to their home and feel that they have been able to be a very special part of his arrival talk to the kids about how at first it will be strange for him because he is not used to living with u guys another words her advice was just basically to let the kids feel that they were important in the home coming and the preparation much like a elder child might feel jealous of a new baby if they don't have any job or sharing in what goes on with the new child in the family.........i hope this helps some i only have what i have seen people in my family go thru to draw on for any advice.......

[Tunisia216 2]

Thank you!! I think I really do agree with this - I don't want Aaron to feel that he's been pushed out - So maybe the better answer is the week Jihed comes (being the week Aaron is with his father) we can all go out to dinner or something - Include Aaron's father which he has agreed to and maybe another day of soccer at the park (Aaron and Jihed's favorite) and then have Aaron come to me on his scheduled time so that nothing in his life/schedule changes any more than it already will be changing.. Again you guys are GREAT!!!! Thank you very much!

[doodlebugg 10]

Thank you!! I think I really do agree with this - I don't want Aaron to feel that he's been pushed out - So maybe the better answer is the week Jihed comes (being the week Aaron is with his father) we can all go out to dinner or something - Include Aaron's father which he has agreed to and maybe another day of soccer at the park (Aaron and Jihed's favorite) and then have Aaron come to me on his scheduled time so that nothing in his life/schedule changes any more than it already will be changing.. Again you guys are GREAT!!!! Thank you very much!

All the power to you if you can handle a dinner out with the ex! lol. That's something that I'd never do but each situation is different. Definetly would not suggest disrupting the schedule. Little kids thrive on structure and when it's broken they want to know why and I think he might think it's due to your husband coming.

On a side note my ex was totally cool with it but funny that he came to pick the girls up the first time it was his turn to have them since my husband got here. You have to know he NEVER picks them up or involves himselves in their little lives at all.....his wife does everything including the pick up/drop offs, driving them to softball practice, etc. so to actually see him was a suprise but I think he just wanted to see who his kids were staying with, you know? Dinner with him would be out of the question though since, although my husband was cool with meeting him, he hates him enough to not be able to handle sitting through a dinner after hearing what he did to me and the kids.

[Tunisia216 2]

Well my situation is much different.... Wanna get shocked? I work with my ex - he's sitting 3 offices down from me right now!!!

He's not such a horrible person, just was a horrible husband - we make better coworkers/friends or what ever you'd say than we did husband and wife. I work for his father's construction company in accounting and when we decided to split and divorce his father was like OMG you're not leaving me are you? Hehe.. So here I am

But it's in the serious plans to get another job after Jihed gets here. I just didn't want to do that with the visa pending, immigration, affidavits of support, etc - I figured it would look much better that I'd had the same job for more than 4 years than saying I just started a new job.

My ex knows what Jihed looks like from pictures and his Mom even made a comment to him one time - apparently after we got married, ex showed his Mom pictures from myspace (I've got nothing to hide) and she made some comment like, "Wow, he's very handsome, I can see why she likes him" Poor EX! LOL

But I think there definitely will be some curiosity on his part.. Beyond just wanting to know who his son is staying with...

Jihed is not ex's #1 fan, for the same reason you said, knowing what he did to me and put me through, but at the same time my husband is really mature and knows that we have to be at least amicable for Aaron's sake- we're never going to all three be super buddies, but if we can sit through a meal, a sporting event, school play and make small talk and chit chat, I think it's much better for my son - However if ex pulls any more stuff like he has in the past lol - NO WAY! hehe

[sara535 15]

sounds like you have thought it all out and have a pretty good situation, I'll just echo what the others have said in that I dont think you should change or upset the normal schedule. Kids do feel more comfortable with routine and normalcy.

good luck! I bet you are getting excited!

[ya falaha! 0]

Every man is different, every child is different and every family is different. Advice given on a message board should be taken with a grain of salt. You won't really know how your husband and child react and get along until they actually live together...long term. The first few weeks EVERYONE is on their best behavior for the most part.

As far as the ex goes...he's an ex for a reason. There really shouldn't be much involvement between the current and the ex. My ex and my current have zero contact with each other. No need for it at this point in time.

[Tunisia216 2]

I appreciate the advice, but I don't agree. I'm not saying that I think Jihed and my ex husband should be best friends, that's never going to happen and of course it would be unhealthy - however- we are all raising a child together, and for me that's the bottom line. I don't want Aaron to ever sense or see tension between Jihed and I with his father- He's been through enough with the divorce and separation and there's no need to torment him any further. As you said, all situations are different and I do not have any way of knowing how things are going to work out once he arrives. Good, bad, in the middle - but if our situation worked out that the ex and Jihed got along, I'm not going to go against that- again I'm not really for my ex's suggestion of golfing buddies- but I think that there's nothing to lose and everything to gain for my son if his step father and father have a good relationship. I take everything with a grain of salt, life is experience and I don't expect to know anything for sure until I experience it, and even then I won't be sure - I'm a cynic

I can't expect that my ex and Jihed have no contact -as if the roles were reversed and my ex was marrying I would want to have contact with his new wife- I would need to know her to some degree and feel comfortable with her - as this woman is going to be spending a lot of time with my child - living with him and caring for him in some ways - So I've got to be comfortable with her. I would never expect that it's okay for my ex not to have contact with Jihed and feel okay with him being around our son.

We are not married any more, that chapter of the story is over, but we do share a child and even at 24, I've learned it's better to let old dogs (problems) die... but to be mature enough to live up to our responsiblities to Aaron - which are that he feels, loved, safe, nurtured, and cared for at all times and is never put in the middle of "adult problems"

[doodlebugg 10]

I don't think it's even possible for my ex not to eventually have contact with my husband. Inevitably they'll bump into each other at some point in the year. I do though think it's more common for the mother to have a relationship with the stepmother. I know I call my kids' stepmother on a weekly basis to make sure we're on the same page with homework, projects, softball practices/games, parent-teacher conferences , etc. That isn't something that my ex husband would ever be involved in though so that's why I have a relationship with her.

I agree with everyone being on their best behavior the first few weeks BUT I've seen TONS of incidents on this board alone where the signs pop up during the first week or two. If the guy's gonna snap I think you'd know it in that timeframe, but I could be wrong.

[ya falaha! 0]

They are yours and your ex's not your current husband's. I don't believe in the we all share the children rainbow connection routine. My current has a relationship with my sons but they are NOT his children. My ex and my current have absolutely no reason to have contact with each other. My ex picks up his boys, he drops off his boys. My current doesn't have any involvement in that. If the kids have school, health or behavior issues my ex and I communicate that with each other. His wife and I don't have contact either. Why should we? I appreciate that she takes good care of my boys when they're with her. My ex appreciates that my current is good with his boys. There's no need for hugs or high fives or even thank you's. I trust my ex's judgement in choosing a new wife and he trusts mine in choosing a new husband. So for me, there's no reason for involvement.

[doodlebugg 10]

I guess it depends on the family. My ex's wife attends every parent/teacher conference, volunteers at school events, shows up at every softball game, etc. So far it's worked for us for the past ten years but again it's an every family is different type of thing I guess.

[morocco4ever 63]

Hi all,

It is wise that you discuss this in advance with the new husband. I think, at least for the beginning, that he needs to be a buddy, not the disciplinary. You and him can discuss in private how to handle situations, but you need to be the one that deals with your sons discipline. I have chosen to remain the heavy so that he can develop a relationship first. Since I am the mom what can they say? My kids are older, so I think your son will adjust pretty quickly.

As far as your husband, well if he isn't used to the noise of a child around he had better get used to it quickly. When he married you it comes as a package deal. He is the adult, and you shouldn't have to worry about that, this is his responsibility since he chose to marry a woman with a child.

As for the ex. That really is a personal thing. My husband ex brother in law and his second ex wife have a great relationship. When his daugther from his first marriage came to the US his ex pretty much took her under her wings and helped raise her. He is often at her house for birthday parties along with his ex's new bf. All seems good for them.

On the other hand, my ex has consistently drove me insane for the last 15 years. He drives by my house to this day (with his wife mind you). When my husband finally got here the ex drove up in our driveway. My husband tried to be friendly and waved. My ex snubbed him. My husband was ticked, but once I explained that my ex will never warm up to him and it is his problem he actually got a good laugh about it.

Again, what kind of relationship you and your husband have with your ex is totally up to you. You might find it works, it might not, but just make sure it is never expressed in front of your child if it turns out negative.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

My current has a relationship with my sons but they are NOT his children.

My relationship is different because Bassi does see my daughter as his child. His relationship with her is one of a parent. The biology is truly irrelevant when raising a child. It's best for parents to be communicating regularly and civilly about their children. So, he has to also have a relationship with my ex-husband. They aren't buddies and never will be, just like I'm not buddies with my ex-husband. But we are all completely committed and in love with a little girl, and our behavior reflects that.