How do you cope leaving your family behind?

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

I'm with Caro here. Although annual visits are in no way going to be in our budget, money and time wise. We would rather do an every other year visit so my new family can see this country on holiday and not just return to the old country every time it's vacation.

*Video chat

*Plan yearly visits

*Plan for them to come visit you too, if that's a possibility for you

*Send them pictures, presents, flowers

Saludos,

Caro

[Kathryn41 3,205]

"On another note - it's not something I have put into practice yet (obviously) but something I have been thinking about. I want to make sure that I am not trying to replace or replicate what I have here in England but I want to make things different and I want to enjoy them for being different if that makes sense. Trying to make things like they are here will be nigh on impossible and so I would prefer to turn things into a big adventure to enjoy and experience than set myself up for a fall "

You have received some excellent advice here (along with some not so great comments . . . ). Basically, you cope because you have to. It isn't easy and it will add its own type of stress as you deal with everything in your life being turned upside down. Use the computer, the phone, the mail service, visits, whatever you can to keep in touch with your friends and your family, and then try to follow Jeraly's wise counsel quoted above. Treat this as a totally new experience and don't try to recreate what you had back home. That can never be replaced - and even when you go home for a visit you will find it different than it was when you lived there. You are in the process of 'creating' a whole new life for yourself. In the process you will learn far more about and understand better who you are than you did before. You will discover what is really important to you and those are the things that you work on making happen in your new life. Other things you will find are not as important and you will discover how to let them go.

Try to bring with you - or have sent to you - some of your personal belongings that connect you and your family. Don't expect to replace everything new when you get here. Some things just cannot be replaced and it is better to have the originals with you, even if it takes a little effort to get them here. For example, I take great pleasure in wearing a sweater that used to be my Mom's; it helps me feel closer to her - she passed away 5 years ago at the start of my visa journey. It is often the little things like this that help keep the connections strong and make all the difference.

Good luck.

Edited April 27, 2008 by Kathryn41

[Jeraly 4]

"On another note - it's not something I have put into practice yet (obviously) but something I have been thinking about. I want to make sure that I am not trying to replace or replicate what I have here in England but I want to make things different and I want to enjoy them for being different if that makes sense. Trying to make things like they are here will be nigh on impossible and so I would prefer to turn things into a big adventure to enjoy and experience than set myself up for a fall "

You have received some excellent advice here (along with some not so great comments . . . ). Basically, you cope because you have to. It isn't easy and it will add its own type of stress as you deal with everything in your life being turned upside down. Use the computer, the phone, the mail service, visits, whatever you can to keep in touch with your friends and your family, and then try to follow Jeraly's wise counsel quoted above. Treat this as a totally new experience and don't try to recreate what you had back home. That can never be replaced - and even when you go home for a visit you will find it different than it was when you lived there. You are in the process of 'creating' a whole new life for yourself. In the process you will learn far more about and understand better who you are than you did before. You will discover what is really important to you and those are the things that you work on making happen in your new life. Other things you will find are not as important and you will discover how to let them go.

Try to bring with you - or have sent to you - some of your personal belongings that connect you and your family. Don't expect to replace everything new when you get here. Some things just cannot be replaced and it is better to have the originals with you, even if it takes a little effort to get them here. For example, I take great pleasure in wearing a sweater that used to be my Mom's; it helps me feel closer to her - she passed away 5 years ago at the start of my visa journey. It is often the little things like this that help keep the connections strong and make all the difference.

Good luck.

Can I also add here that I have every expectation that I will try to recreate my life and then vet very annoyed and upset when I can't!? I think that is natural human nature though and while I think this is what will happen, I know I am aware of how I can try and change to make things better in my new life.

I am trying to be as mercenary as I can with possessions but at the same time I am not going to leave behind things that might seem silly to others that mean a lot to me... even if they are action figures...

[StillThePrettiest 3]

I'm in a slightly different situation to many of you... I left all my friends and family behind when I moved to London almost four years ago, so that bit I'm used to... to be honest, I don't find it so bad; it's so easy to stay in contact via the internet, and phone calls can be VERY cheap if you arrange a good plan, so I don't often feel I'm far from people

of course, now I'm leaving all the new friends I made in London, including my godson and his little brother who I've been caring for these past few months... kids are probably the most difficult to leave, because of course you can't keep up with them via the same means as you can with adults, and they change so fast into the bargain! that can be a wrench

[tucson_chick 0]

well - turns out, it's much harder to make friends here than i thought.

and leaving my family behind - it breaks my heart.

and yes - i took lots of traditions / customs i had back home with me, but subconciously.

my weekend routines are the best example. the problem isn't that this country makes it impossible to follow them through, the relationship life, as wonderful as it is, just doesn't make a single-girl-saturday-morning-routine possible.

ghaaaaaaaaaaaa, i'm rumbleing, hard to describe things that are so complex.

we are planning to spend christmas in germany as often as we can. we even skip the honeymoon for it, as it means the world to me. *sigh*

[Jeraly 4]

Oh Agnes *hugs* I wish I could give you a great big hug!! Maybe before long I will!!! Be scared - be very scared ><

[Ursa Tripudio 2]

You have to forget all about them. When you come to America, you become American. Being American means hating all foreigners, even your own parents.

Such an excellently pointed sarcasm: Well said!

[tucson_chick 0]

Oh Agnes *hugs* I wish I could give you a great big hug!! Maybe before long I will!!! Be scared - be very scared ><

don't be scared, aly. NOTHING feels as good as sitting in front of the TV on a sunday noon, still in PJ's and drinking coffee, right next to your hubby.

there are just many things that occupy my feelings and i have to work hard to not let my sad feelings rule my overall mood.

SOOOO soon you will be in cali and enjoying your weekends with jeremy! isn't that amazing?

enjoy every second that you spend with your family and take all that positive energy with you!

[melusine 5]

anyway you could get her a comp, skype and a webcam ??

it helps tremendously !

[macutelit 0]

You need to move on but it does not mean, you have to forget your family. I know how you feel because I missed my family too specially my mother and now I will be a mother soon. I hope she is also here but this is the path that I chose and I don't have regret or anything. I am waiting for my AP so I can still visits my family and baptize my baby there (Philippines).... I'll make sure that I always have communication with them like Chat using web cam, calling them as often as I can.

[Giskat09 2]

You have to forget all about them. When you come to America, you become American. Being American means hating all foreigners, even your own parents.

Hating your parents? for what reason? i dont see any point in what you are saying... i am readyo to move in US but hating my parents and totally forget them is not my idea... im sorry America is America but family is stil your family nothing can change about it.

[NCWife 0]

Awww........ thank you very much for the wonderful replies and you guys have made me feel so much better. I wrote those when I was feeling down, staring at my FedEx box, thinking about the day I say ByeBye to my mother and sister....

You know I have never thought it is going to be this hard since I have lived out of the country for many years by myself.... My mom often jokingly tells me about staying for a couple months more before leaving but I know deep down inside, she meant it. After all, all she wants is for me to be happy and she knows that this decision will lead me to the path of happiness...

Like many of you have said, you cope because you have to and you must! Thank goodness we have this thing called technology with Internet. I have just bought a nice laptop for my family so I could keep in touch with them every single day on video conferencing and chat though I have to really teach my mom how to use a computer..

Now....I will just have to quit thinking all these soppy stuff and start looking forward to embrace the beautiful life that is awaiting for me in the US.

Thank you once again for your wonderful support!!!!!!

Cheers!!

[Marilyn. 340]

You have to forget all about them. When you come to America, you become American. Being American means hating all foreigners, even your own parents.

Hating your parents? for what reason? i dont see any point in what you are saying... i am readyo to move in US but hating my parents and totally forget them is not my idea... im sorry America is America but family is stil your family nothing can change about it.

he was being sarcastic...

[catrocks 0]

Urgh this part really sucks.

I'm so happy to be with my hubby finally, to be able to do everyday things together and I don't regret my decision to move here at all.

But I do have weeks where I just want to hang out with my family, where I wish we'd moved to England instead of here, and everything about the US annoys me.

But I think the good times outweigh the bad, and it has certainly gotten easier the longer I've been here.

Frequent visits (either family visiting you or you going back to see them) help out a lot, and Skype is a wonderful thing.

[tom&tata 2]

Awww........ thank you very much for the wonderful replies and you guys have made me feel so much better. I wrote those when I was feeling down, staring at my FedEx box, thinking about the day I say ByeBye to my mother and sister....

You know I have never thought it is going to be this hard since I have lived out of the country for many years by myself.... My mom often jokingly tells me about staying for a couple months more before leaving but I know deep down inside, she meant it. After all, all she wants is for me to be happy and she knows that this decision will lead me to the path of happiness...

Like many of you have said, you cope because you have to and you must! Thank goodness we have this thing called technology with Internet. I have just bought a nice laptop for my family so I could keep in touch with them every single day on video conferencing and chat though I have to really teach my mom how to use a computer..

Now....I will just have to quit thinking all these soppy stuff and start looking forward to embrace the beautiful life that is awaiting for me in the US.

Thank you once again for your wonderful support!!!!!!

Cheers!!

I too lived out of the country for 2 years - but at the back of my mind at the time it was temporary move. This would be different because it is permanent move - soon you will be calling the new place your new home. It was a mix feeling for me - happy that we finally move on with our life but sad at the same time because I am leaving behind my home.

Frequent visit is not possible due to cost & time to travel. But I do talk almost every other day with my mom/dad. It helps. And, it gets easier with times.