Not the man I thought he was...

[albkos 1]

I'm so sorry for your experience, but if you privately talk to any of us Albanian wifes you will see that it is not out of the ordinary at all. I lived with my husband in Italy for over two months before I came home and applied for a fiance visa and he was very different when he got here and when we got married he really changed. The American women and the Albanian man is a hard sell as they don't believe after you are married that you should talk to any men other than family members, you should cook all their meals, etc. If you spent anytime with him in his own country you would have had some warning of the change just watching them interact with their own women I visited twice, but was still shocked on a few of the things he thinks).

That said, I am glad you had the guts to do what you needed to do. We've been married almost 14 months and he is just now starting to adapt and be less pushy (but then I've adapted too so he has less to push about). I would agree that if he went home without fighting it was probably not VISA fraud, but lack of cultural compatability.

Take care and be strong.

I understand what you are saying but there are certain things that are unacceptable behavior. I don't think you can compare cooking, talking to others to joining a dating site. Yeah maybe he was curious maybe he just wanted to see what was on the site. Maybe it was harmless and if it was he should have admitted his mistake. I don't know but he denied doing those things which tells me he knew it was wrong. And if she was the one doing those things he would have prob done the same thing and told her to get out.

Not all Albanian men are as you are describing. Each person is different and should be judged individually and not by the culture. It is not the culture of Albanians to be marrying one women and than looking for others. In the Albanian culture that person is considered a lowlife, scumbag that has no respect. I don't see how being in the country would have helped or shown anything. You wrote your husband lived in Italy well did not realize how life is outside of Albania and that he needs to let go of his old world behavior and thoughts? Or is Italy like Albania?

I don't think he was committing visa fraud or else he would not have left the country. Maybe he is immature and thinks that behavior is normal? I don't think it was cultural compatability.

I think a new topic should be started discuss all the issues with being married / engaged to Albanian men or women. I think it would be fun and interesting. The people in MENA talk about this stuff all the time.

[rebeccajo 14]

I don't think he was committing visa fraud or else he would not have left the country. Maybe he is immature and thinks that behavior is normal? I don't think it was cultural compatability.

I don't think it was either.

I think it was a case of neither party knowing each other very well.

[Caladan 19]

I think rebeccajo's right. Not every foible of a spouse is due to the exotic influence of their culture! Sometimes people are jerks all by themselves.

[U.S. Wendy 0]

I'm so sorry for your experience, but if you privately talk to any of us Albanian wifes you will see that it is not out of the ordinary at all. I lived with my husband in Italy for over two months before I came home and applied for a fiance visa and he was very different when he got here and when we got married he really changed. The American women and the Albanian man is a hard sell as they don't believe after you are married that you should talk to any men other than family members, you should cook all their meals, etc. If you spent anytime with him in his own country you would have had some warning of the change just watching them interact with their own women I visited twice, but was still shocked on a few of the things he thinks).

That said, I am glad you had the guts to do what you needed to do. We've been married almost 14 months and he is just now starting to adapt and be less pushy (but then I've adapted too so he has less to push about). I would agree that if he went home without fighting it was probably not VISA fraud, but lack of cultural compatability.

Take care and be strong.

I understand what you are saying but there are certain things that are unacceptable behavior. I don't think you can compare cooking, talking to others to joining a dating site. Yeah maybe he was curious maybe he just wanted to see what was on the site. Maybe it was harmless and if it was he should have admitted his mistake. I don't know but he denied doing those things which tells me he knew it was wrong. And if she was the one doing those things he would have prob done the same thing and told her to get out.

Not all Albanian men are as you are describing. Each person is different and should be judged individually and not by the culture. It is not the culture of Albanians to be marrying one women and than looking for others. In the Albanian culture that person is considered a lowlife, scumbag that has no respect. I don't see how being in the country would have helped or shown anything. You wrote your husband lived in Italy well did not realize how life is outside of Albania and that he needs to let go of his old world behavior and thoughts? Or is Italy like Albania?

I don't think he was committing visa fraud or else he would not have left the country. Maybe he is immature and thinks that behavior is normal? I don't think it was cultural compatability.

I think a new topic should be started discuss all the issues with being married / engaged to Albanian men or women. I think it would be fun and interesting. The people in MENA talk about this stuff all the time.

What he did was wrong (porn and lying) and that is probably based on immaturity......but I do think the culture has something to do with the other stuff. I have a hard time getting my fiance to admit he is wrong about anything AND they can be very jealous and domineering...and so can a lot of men from many other cultures. My father is the same way.

I visited my fiance in Albania MANY times and for LONG periods of time and there is just a cultural double-standard, period....like it or not.

I am not saying the petitioner did ANYTHING wrong, she did what was right for HER and that's all that matters. For any newcomer to America, there is going to be an adjustment period and probably a lot of misunderstandings and a lot of arguments. Coming to America doesn't make everything 'all better' and we need to ALL be ready for that. Making a relationship work is HARD work....still, we need to be mindful of red flags and try to figure out, early on, if they deserve attention and investigation or not. I've done my investigating and I feel comfortable moving forward by marrying this man.......I'm ready for the 'honeymoon period' and I'm also ready for my fiance to come here and probably act like a real @$$.........just like I did when I was over there and going through a lot of changes, being in a strange country, without transportation, without the ability to freely communicate because of a language barrier, missing my family, my home, etc. You have to go into this with your eyes WIDE-open. This website has helped me tremendously, not only with the visa-stuff, but in meeting like-minded people and sharing experiences. I have spoken to other women with Albanian fiances or husbands and I know what to expect.

I just wish things could have turned out differently for this petitioner. This process can nearly kill you and it must be devistating when something like this happens, despite your best efforts to find happiness and share your life with someone you love and who you thought loved you.

YES, LETS START A TOPIC FOR ALBANIA & THE BULKANS!!!! Great idea!!!

[sereia 0]

Culture shock, adjustment period, blahblahblahhhhhh. I'm so sick of hearing all of this. Come to America to be with the love of your life (supposidely) and be a MAN about it. Don't go searching on porn a few days after you get here and look for women to have sex with. I can't believe ANYONE would make excuses for that behaviour. I commend the OP for being as strong as she was and got rid of him before she made an even bigger mistake. Good for you, OP!!! I wish you luck in your decision in the future.

[SaadBell 0]

Culture shock, adjustment period, blahblahblahhhhhh. I'm so sick of hearing all of this. Come to America to be with the love of your life (supposidely) and be a MAN about it. Don't go searching on porn a few days after you get here and look for women to have sex with. I can't believe ANYONE would make excuses for that behaviour. I commend the OP for being as strong as she was and got rid of him before she made an even bigger mistake. Good for you, OP!!! I wish you luck in your decision in the future.

What I think also, he was a jerk.

[melusine 5]

agree.. not acceptable whatever adjustment or cultural shock

[rebeccajo 14]

I can't help but wonder what the reaction to this type of post would have been had the USC been male and the beneficiary a woman.

[sereia 0]

I can't help but wonder what the reaction to this type of post would have been had the USC been male and the beneficiary a woman.

I don't see why there would be any difference. Its a terrible behaviour regardless of the person.

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

I saw that too. Dunno about anyone else, but I couldn't send the "love of my life, my future husband" back to his home country because of some mood swings(read adjustment type behavior) and some 'very innapropriate' (read porn) material downloaded onto my PC. It would be time for a serious discussion to see how we fix the problem, but no him returning from whence he came after just one week her would not be an option at that early a stage. Just MO.

-P

Pardon??

You find the 'love of your life' trawling for women online merely a few WEEKS after you are together and you forgive it because it's MOOD SWINGS?????????????

Thank goodness the OP has more sense that you do.....

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

Am I reading correctly that your fiance just arrived April 12?

I saw that too. Dunno about anyone else, but I couldn't send the "love of my life, my future husband" back to his home country because of some mood swings(read adjustment type behavior) and some 'very innapropriate' (read porn) material downloaded onto my PC. It would be time for a serious discussion to see how we fix the problem, but no him returning from whence he came after just one week her would not be an option at that early a stage. Just MO.

-P

Mood swings? He told me on his 4th day here that I needed to change my friends because he didn't like them. On his 3rd day here (the day I went back to work), he looked at over 60 porn websites, and each day after was the same, over and over. And on his 6th day here, he started searching personal ads, and no I don't mean "man seeking woman for friendly conversation", I mean "findhornygirls.com" with the search criteria of "male, 26, seeking female 18-35 for SEX in Minneapolis".

And it's not JUST that... when I asked him about this, he became extremely defensive and denied the whole thing (even though we were sitting in front of the computer at the time) and told me that I was insane and making these crazy things up. He said he didn't want to marry someone with mental issues who would contrive such things and "judge" people in such ways. He told me that I was a terrible person with no morals. So basically-- he turned everything he is and pointed it at me. And I'm sorry, but I don't deserve that. I have given my heart and my soul to this man, and I don't need to be treated like this.

If you were to meet this man, you would probably think that he is kind, sweet, gentle, and a complete gentleman. I used to think this too. And believe it or not, part of me still does. He had me caught under a spell-- he could say the meanest, most degrading thing to me and 15 minutes later, I would be back in his arms, smiling and happy. He is so eerily charming... and when I think about all these things, I realize that I've heard similar stories from women who've been abused. Their husband beats the ####### out of them and the next morning, everything is hunky-dorey. I don't know if he would have ever become physically abusive... and I'll never know. But I do know that the emotional abuse was enough.

So please don't judge me for "sending him away" after such a short time. This was supposed to be the "honeymoon stage" of our relationship. And if he is treating me this way now, how will he treat me 1, 5, 15 years down the road?

I believe I have made the right decision. And I appreciate all of you who are here to support me, not judge me.

:thumbs:

I am convinced you've done what's best for YOU....I would have done EXACTLY the SAME!!!

What you did is what any SANE, REASONABLE person would do.....For those who claim they wouldn't, one must wonder just HOW difficult it was for them to find someone, since they are obviously willing to put up with ANYTHING to keep him

[BabyBlueSusie 1]

I am soooo sorry that you had to go through this Janna, but I hope that you will continue to keep in touch, because I have enjoyed corresponding with you.

I agree that there is no excuse for this behavior (looking for sex on the web), and that you did the right thing. Adjustment is one thing, but cheating (or attempting to do so) is deceitful and inexcusable.

With regards to the other things you said about him being controlling and so on, that is, unfortunately, a stereotypical characteristic of Albanian men. Of course they are not all like this, but many of the things Creel said are true with respect to speaking with other men, cooking, cleaning, etc. It is just a matter of how willing both parties are to compromise on these matters.

These sorts of things I could attribute to cultural difference, but cheating is one thing that I absolutely could not. Cheating is looked down upon in Albanian culture far more than in American/Italian culture (I mention those two because they are the two cultures that I have personal experience with). It is considered, as it should be, to be the lowest of all lows.

I honestly don't know where he gets off thinking that he could just walk into your home and do the things that he did. I am glad that you put him in his place and showed him that such behavior would not be tolerated.

I hope that you don't feel as though you did anything wrong, and that you will look to the future for comfort. Afterall, who knows what it has in store for you?

Wendy, I am glad that you are ready for your fiancee to come here and act like a complete @ss, because it is guaranteed to happen!!

Ladies - I am starting the thread now!!

Edited May 1, 2008 by BabyBlueSusie

[BabyBlueSusie 1]

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=125376

[william_wallace 8]

Well i have had a similar experience. Maybe not as bad but bad enough for the the relationship to go t*ts up. My ex wife who is a US citizen totally changed after she filed the 1-130. Everything before that was totally perfect. But soon as she filed, she totally changed. Her attitude, i got totally ignored, i was told to sleep on the couch, she started taking mood swings and i mean serious mood swings. She would go on adultfriendfinder.com, i thought #######, i found out that she was moving to Colorado in which she denied, i tried and tried to talk to her, she would just totally blank me out. As you say the honeymoon period. I think ours lasted little over 2 months. I tried in vain for a few weeks to get it sorted out but it was like farting against thunder. That when i knew it was time for me to go back to the UK.

Its just a shame that some of these LDR's dont work. I feel for anyone that goes through it. It's not a nice feeling at all. Oh about 1 month after i arrived in the UK, yep she moved to Colorado, to another man lol

[morocco4ever 63]

Am I reading correctly that your fiance just arrived April 12?

I saw that too. Dunno about anyone else, but I couldn't send the "love of my life, my future husband" back to his home country because of some mood swings(read adjustment type behavior) and some 'very innapropriate' (read porn) material downloaded onto my PC. It would be time for a serious discussion to see how we fix the problem, but no him returning from whence he came after just one week her would not be an option at that early a stage. Just MO.

-P

Mood swings? He told me on his 4th day here that I needed to change my friends because he didn't like them. On his 3rd day here (the day I went back to work), he looked at over 60 porn websites, and each day after was the same, over and over. And on his 6th day here, he started searching personal ads, and no I don't mean "man seeking woman for friendly conversation", I mean "findhornygirls.com" with the search criteria of "male, 26, seeking female 18-35 for SEX in Minneapolis".

And it's not JUST that... when I asked him about this, he became extremely defensive and denied the whole thing (even though we were sitting in front of the computer at the time) and told me that I was insane and making these crazy things up. He said he didn't want to marry someone with mental issues who would contrive such things and "judge" people in such ways. He told me that I was a terrible person with no morals. So basically-- he turned everything he is and pointed it at me. And I'm sorry, but I don't deserve that. I have given my heart and my soul to this man, and I don't need to be treated like this.

If you were to meet this man, you would probably think that he is kind, sweet, gentle, and a complete gentleman. I used to think this too. And believe it or not, part of me still does. He had me caught under a spell-- he could say the meanest, most degrading thing to me and 15 minutes later, I would be back in his arms, smiling and happy. He is so eerily charming... and when I think about all these things, I realize that I've heard similar stories from women who've been abused. Their husband beats the ####### out of them and the next morning, everything is hunky-dorey. I don't know if he would have ever become physically abusive... and I'll never know. But I do know that the emotional abuse was enough.

So please don't judge me for "sending him away" after such a short time. This was supposed to be the "honeymoon stage" of our relationship. And if he is treating me this way now, how will he treat me 1, 5, 15 years down the road?

I believe I have made the right decision. And I appreciate all of you who are here to support me, not judge me.

Wow....just wow. Sorry I am so late in replying, but I haven't been to this forum much. I probably should stay away as many have suggested.

Honey you made the right decision. There is a name for this personality trait 'Passive Aggressive'. This is by far the worst personality type. I was married to one for 15 years, they do not change. They make their little worlds around justifying their actions, and if they are caught doing what is unacceptable they either deny it or blame it on you. Their world is reality, and its a scary reality.

Do I think he used you? No. But I don't think he would change either. Good luck on what your future holds for you.