Not the man I thought he was...

[Minya's wife 24]

Am I reading correctly that your fiance just arrived April 12?

I saw that too. Dunno about anyone else, but I couldn't send the "love of my life, my future husband" back to his home country because of some mood swings(read adjustment type behavior) and some 'very innapropriate' (read porn) material downloaded onto my PC. It would be time for a serious discussion to see how we fix the problem, but no him returning from whence he came after just one week her would not be an option at that early a stage. Just MO.

-P

[Nanusia & Lukaszek 0]

Janna - I'm real sorry this happened to you. Its tough to pick yourself up after you've spent so much energy & time in the relationship to get the person here, and then as soon as they get here the bubble bursts and its not what you had expected. Think of it as better it happening now, then getting married, filing binding paperwork and then finding all this out. He's out, he's gone, your a strong woman. Better things await!

[jannaxhitti 0]

Am I reading correctly that your fiance just arrived April 12?

I saw that too. Dunno about anyone else, but I couldn't send the "love of my life, my future husband" back to his home country because of some mood swings(read adjustment type behavior) and some 'very innapropriate' (read porn) material downloaded onto my PC. It would be time for a serious discussion to see how we fix the problem, but no him returning from whence he came after just one week her would not be an option at that early a stage. Just MO.

-P

Mood swings? He told me on his 4th day here that I needed to change my friends because he didn't like them. On his 3rd day here (the day I went back to work), he looked at over 60 porn websites, and each day after was the same, over and over. And on his 6th day here, he started searching personal ads, and no I don't mean "man seeking woman for friendly conversation", I mean "findhornygirls.com" with the search criteria of "male, 26, seeking female 18-35 for SEX in Minneapolis".

And it's not JUST that... when I asked him about this, he became extremely defensive and denied the whole thing (even though we were sitting in front of the computer at the time) and told me that I was insane and making these crazy things up. He said he didn't want to marry someone with mental issues who would contrive such things and "judge" people in such ways. He told me that I was a terrible person with no morals. So basically-- he turned everything he is and pointed it at me. And I'm sorry, but I don't deserve that. I have given my heart and my soul to this man, and I don't need to be treated like this.

If you were to meet this man, you would probably think that he is kind, sweet, gentle, and a complete gentleman. I used to think this too. And believe it or not, part of me still does. He had me caught under a spell-- he could say the meanest, most degrading thing to me and 15 minutes later, I would be back in his arms, smiling and happy. He is so eerily charming... and when I think about all these things, I realize that I've heard similar stories from women who've been abused. Their husband beats the ####### out of them and the next morning, everything is hunky-dorey. I don't know if he would have ever become physically abusive... and I'll never know. But I do know that the emotional abuse was enough.

So please don't judge me for "sending him away" after such a short time. This was supposed to be the "honeymoon stage" of our relationship. And if he is treating me this way now, how will he treat me 1, 5, 15 years down the road?

I believe I have made the right decision. And I appreciate all of you who are here to support me, not judge me.

[TracyTN 237]

I think you made the right decision, too, for what it's worth.

[caybee 21]

I think you made the right decision, too, for what it's worth.

I think so too. So many people overlook early signs of abuse in a partner. You recognized them, and you listened to your gut before you married him. I'm sorry this happened to you.

[rebeccajo 14]

So please don't judge me for "sending him away" after such a short time. This was supposed to be the "honeymoon stage" of our relationship. And if he is treating me this way now, how will he treat me 1, 5, 15 years down the road?

I believe I have made the right decision. And I appreciate all of you who are here to support me, not judge me.

I commented on his arrival not as a 'judgment' but as a question.

You may very well have made the correct decision.

In all fairness though, there usually is an 're-adjustment period', especially if you've been apart for awhile.

Thus my question.

[snowfrostedlashes 0]

Looking at porn is one thing... actively looking for other sexual partners in totally uncool and you shouldn't have to put up with that from anyone... kind of makes me wonder if he'd even been faithful to you while you were apart.

Never put up with emotional or physical abuse because it only gets worse with time.

Good luck with the rest of your life jannaxhitti and I hope you meet someone who is right for you.

[TracyTN 237]

Looking at porn is one thing... actively looking for other sexual partners in totally uncool and you shouldn't have to put up with that from anyone... kind of makes me wonder if he'd even been faithful to you while you were apart.

And I don't think that kind of behavior has anything to do with a 'readjustment period' at all. Lots of our spouses have readjustment phases, but how many of them actively seek out dates for sex?

[raymaga 25]

Am I reading correctly that your fiance just arrived April 12?

I saw that too. Dunno about anyone else, but I couldn't send the "love of my life, my future husband" back to his home country because of some mood swings(read adjustment type behavior) and some 'very innapropriate' (read porn) material downloaded onto my PC. It would be time for a serious discussion to see how we fix the problem, but no him returning from whence he came after just one week her would not be an option at that early a stage. Just MO.

-P

Mood swings? He told me on his 4th day here that I needed to change my friends because he didn't like them. On his 3rd day here (the day I went back to work), he looked at over 60 porn websites, and each day after was the same, over and over. And on his 6th day here, he started searching personal ads, and no I don't mean "man seeking woman for friendly conversation", I mean "findhornygirls.com" with the search criteria of "male, 26, seeking female 18-35 for SEX in Minneapolis".

And it's not JUST that... when I asked him about this, he became extremely defensive and denied the whole thing (even though we were sitting in front of the computer at the time) and told me that I was insane and making these crazy things up. He said he didn't want to marry someone with mental issues who would contrive such things and "judge" people in such ways. He told me that I was a terrible person with no morals. So basically-- he turned everything he is and pointed it at me. And I'm sorry, but I don't deserve that. I have given my heart and my soul to this man, and I don't need to be treated like this.

If you were to meet this man, you would probably think that he is kind, sweet, gentle, and a complete gentleman. I used to think this too. And believe it or not, part of me still does. He had me caught under a spell-- he could say the meanest, most degrading thing to me and 15 minutes later, I would be back in his arms, smiling and happy. He is so eerily charming... and when I think about all these things, I realize that I've heard similar stories from women who've been abused. Their husband beats the ####### out of them and the next morning, everything is hunky-dorey. I don't know if he would have ever become physically abusive... and I'll never know. But I do know that the emotional abuse was enough.

So please don't judge me for "sending him away" after such a short time. This was supposed to be the "honeymoon stage" of our relationship. And if he is treating me this way now, how will he treat me 1, 5, 15 years down the road?

I believe I have made the right decision. And I appreciate all of you who are here to support me, not judge me.

You absolutely made the right decision. Like you said, if he is treating you this way when the relationship is new, it would have only gotten worse, possibly leading to physical abuse.

His behavior when he arrived is totally unacceptable. The poster who said that looking at porn was possibly acceptable.... what the heck???? I doubt many women would be too impressed by their partner seeking out porn when they have just been reunited... or any time for that matter.

I admire your strength in getting out of the relationship now. A lot of women would have just accepted that treatment and hoped things would have gotten better down the road. They may have felt embarrassed or ashamed after all the efforts you took to get your fiance here. You did the right thing and you won't be sorry about it later.

Move on with your life and someone special will come along when the time is right. Someone that will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.

Best wishes!!!!

[Minya's wife 24]

Am I reading correctly that your fiance just arrived April 12?

I saw that too. Dunno about anyone else, but I couldn't send the "love of my life, my future husband" back to his home country because of some mood swings(read adjustment type behavior) and some 'very innapropriate' (read porn) material downloaded onto my PC. It would be time for a serious discussion to see how we fix the problem, but no him returning from whence he came after just one week her would not be an option at that early a stage. Just MO.

-P

Mood swings? He told me on his 4th day here that I needed to change my friends because he didn't like them. On his 3rd day here (the day I went back to work), he looked at over 60 porn websites, and each day after was the same, over and over. And on his 6th day here, he started searching personal ads, and no I don't mean "man seeking woman for friendly conversation", I mean "findhornygirls.com" with the search criteria of "male, 26, seeking female 18-35 for SEX in Minneapolis".

And it's not JUST that... when I asked him about this, he became extremely defensive and denied the whole thing (even though we were sitting in front of the computer at the time) and told me that I was insane and making these crazy things up. He said he didn't want to marry someone with mental issues who would contrive such things and "judge" people in such ways. He told me that I was a terrible person with no morals. So basically-- he turned everything he is and pointed it at me. And I'm sorry, but I don't deserve that. I have given my heart and my soul to this man, and I don't need to be treated like this.

If you were to meet this man, you would probably think that he is kind, sweet, gentle, and a complete gentleman. I used to think this too. And believe it or not, part of me still does. He had me caught under a spell-- he could say the meanest, most degrading thing to me and 15 minutes later, I would be back in his arms, smiling and happy. He is so eerily charming... and when I think about all these things, I realize that I've heard similar stories from women who've been abused. Their husband beats the ####### out of them and the next morning, everything is hunky-dorey. I don't know if he would have ever become physically abusive... and I'll never know. But I do know that the emotional abuse was enough.

So please don't judge me for "sending him away" after such a short time. This was supposed to be the "honeymoon stage" of our relationship. And if he is treating me this way now, how will he treat me 1, 5, 15 years down the road?

I believe I have made the right decision. And I appreciate all of you who are here to support me, not judge me.

I'm certainly not judging you. Everyone makes the decision that is best for them, and in the end that is the only thing that matters. I just commented that, were I in your place I would wait a little while longer....but then reading the further details you've written, I agree that you were certainly within all your rights to send him packing.

Given that this man was behaving this way from day one, it makes me think that this was not new behavior....and that this is probably his behavior back home. You just were not there to see it or be a part of it. In a LD relationship its easier to only show one side of oneself, because much of the interaction occurs over the phone, web-cam and short visits in-between.

I'm sorry that this man did not turn out to be the one for you. Take time for yourself and heal.

Good luck,

-P

[Minya's wife 24]

You absolutely made the right decision. Like you said, if he is treating you this way when the relationship is new, it would have only gotten worse, possibly leading to physical abuse.

His behavior when he arrived is totally unacceptable. The poster who said that looking at porn was possibly acceptable.... what the heck???? I doubt many women would be too impressed by their partner seeking out porn when they have just been reunited... or any time for that matter.

I admire your strength in getting out of the relationship now. A lot of women would have just accepted that treatment and hoped things would have gotten better down the road. They may have felt embarrassed or ashamed after all the efforts you took to get your fiance here. You did the right thing and you won't be sorry about it later.

Move on with your life and someone special will come along when the time is right. Someone that will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.

Best wishes!!!!

I think you may mean me, and I certainly did not say that.

I said that downloading porn onto a personal computer is not reason enough for me to kick my man to the curb one week after he arrives here. If I've just spent the past year(or longer) trying to bring him here, and I find some porn on my PC...I will not immediately say "OK, its over." I would certainly be mad as he!! amd we'd be having a serious discussion about how he will never again do such a thing...but if this type of behavior is not something he would do, I may try to look at the greater context of the situation. New immigrant, homesickness, etc. etc, which may explain the behavior. Going by the OP's original post, I read it that the fiancee may have been having issues coping with his new life, surroundings and this is how it manifested itself. That was my opinion going from the more limided info provided in the original post.

As the OP gave further details in follow-up, I think she made the right choice, for herself and for her future.

Cheers,

-P

[Caladan 19]

Am I reading correctly that your fiance just arrived April 12?

I saw that too. Dunno about anyone else, but I couldn't send the "love of my life, my future husband" back to his home country because of some mood swings(read adjustment type behavior) and some 'very innapropriate' (read porn) material downloaded onto my PC. It would be time for a serious discussion to see how we fix the problem, but no him returning from whence he came after just one week her would not be an option at that early a stage. Just MO.

-P

Eh. He seemed to be okay with leaving, too. Better to end it before one is married than wish one had. The OP is showing wisdom and guts.

OP, you're in good shape. The I-134 isn't legally binding, and even if it were, it would only apply to him while in country on the K-1. I can't imagine going through what you must be going through, but at least this isn't one of your worries.

[Hanna&Mohamed 0]

Yes I also think you made the right decision! I pray you will get on with your life and find a wonderful man later .

[diadromous mermaid 36]

I am sorry about your situation. It is not your fault this happened. Many people are fooled by men/women who perpatrate marriage visa fraud. The worst case scenerio was he was using you for a visa, the best case scenario was that this man would have been manipulitive, controlling, filandering, downloading porn and making your life hell.

It is good you were able to get him out of the country on the fiance visa. Let the fiance visa expire. The affidvit of support is only in effect if your fiance had stayed in the USA.

Follow your gut instincts in this situation....

I know you're sad now, but count your blessings you found out now instead of after getting married.

Best wishes, Tina

It doesn't appear to be marriage visa fraud, or else he'd have put up a fight to remain here. I think, sadly, this is simply a case of a person who was unable to conceal his true character, and maybe one with some narcissistic inclinations. OP, I hope that with this door closing, another opens and the right partner for you steps through. Stay strong!

[przy 0]

I definitely think you made the right decision. Besides, you weren't married to the man so that means you were still in the stages of getting to know the person you will marry. Luckily, his true qualities surfaced before you guys married. In honesty, it wouldn't matter how other people see your reasons for ending it. If it wasn't working for you and you felt you were being disrespected, then that's good enough. Not only did you try to discuss the issues, you gave the man the chance to explain himself. If he can't come clean to you while he's your fiancé, no chance in changing that when he's your husband. Good decision on your part. Here's hoping for a someone that really deserves you. Keep your head up.