Leaving his family behind

[nitedreamer 0]

I feel kinda guilty about having Matt move here, away from his family, since he's an only child. If only New Zealand wasn't quite so far and expensive to travel too...

His mom was the one who first told me the interview was a success (she was giving me the phone number where Matt was at so I could call him, so he wouldn't need to make an international call on his cell). I was *so* excited, but then she was crying.

His parents and grandparents are coming out for the wedding, and will get here about a month after he leaves. So I am not too worried about his initial goodbye. I am worried for how things will go when they have to leave here, and know that it will be a longer time until they see him again! (The longest they've been apart from Matt is the 3 months he came here in Nov. '04.)

I am sending his parents a letter, telling them that I know it's hard to see Matt leave, and promising to take good care of him and that we'll stay in touch, and thanking them for sharing Matt with me and raising such a wonderful person...

I am wondering though if others have had a hard time taking their loved one away from their original family? Any suggestions for making it easier for your in-laws to let go?

[CanGal 1]

I don't know if there is really anything you can do to make it easier. It's kind of like MAJOR empty nest syndrome now because he isn't even close by. My parents found it very hard to let go of me and I'm from canada. Thats alot closer than New Zealand is but still being 2,000 miles away kills them. They all came down for our wedding here as well and the big goodbye was hard for everyone because in some sense they are letting go a part of their lives because your moving so far away. I suggest lots of letters, phonecalls home, trips as much as you can and or afford to make. We also purchased a webcam (well it's more like a webphone) that allows us to dial in and I can actually talk with everyone back home and see them on the net. Seeing eachother makes it a lot easier even if your not close by. Good luck and I hope that everything turns out ok.

[Widge 0]

If they have a computer (if not get them one) set up a blog (they dont have to be public) and create a kind of online diary where you can post pics of your everyday life, home, outings and they too can post it becomes a record for both you and them and it makes them feel involved.

I suspect you are much younger than me but I know my mother (87) can cope with my absence knowing I am happy but she absolutely loves getting letters but more so PICTURES - she is too old to go PC literate but if she were younger I know she would love the participatio of a blog - as it is for her I just print of posts and send them to her.

[Cdnwmn 0]

I'm one you probably shouldn't hear from. I wish I had the answer for you. The shoe is on the other foot for me; I'm the one missing my family terribly back in Canada and I've been in the U.S. for four years now. We live 2200 miles apart so jumping on a plane every so often is not an option - just can't afford it. We email and message constantly with phone calls thrown in too but it doesn't help. I've been going through the rough patch yet again this week.

Good luck to you all on both sides. I know how his mother feels....

[nitedreamer 0]

You guys are all wonderful.

We definately want to look into a webcam, but his parents (and mine, where we are currently staying) have dial up, and we worry that's too slow to make webcams work?

The blog idea is really lovely! Will have to look into that too.

And Cdnwmn, I'm sorry that you're hitting a rough patch. I know when I spent a year in NZ, I worried about my family a lot, especially my grandma who's almost 89. It's hard to be so far away, but it's nice to have a partner who can give you love and support. Hopefully you can save enough to visit your family soon, or maybe meet somewhere in the middle...*hugs*

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Just to let you know, we have broadband now and it does make the webcams faster(the images) but when Craig was still in England I had dial up and it worked just fine...only refreshed every 3 seconds or so, kind of jerky movements sometimes, but much better than nothing!! Best wishes for your hubs and his folks... M.

[aussiewench 9]

I am a mom doing the immigrating away from my grown up children. I know my husband feels for that situation especially as I am extremely close with them. My children took a lil while to come to terms with it. They want me to be happy and they know I am, very, despite the heartache the seperation from my children will cause me at times. Web cam, blog etc are very good ideas and they will help some. I have two grandchildren that I will miss terribly as well so I am creating a website just for them to come share time once a week with Nanna.....its called Nannas Lap and will be interactive.....I will be able to read to them while they follow stories....do all sorts of things.

Moving away from family is not easy......for family that are left behind it is not easy....for the USC it is not easy knowing the one they love has left all that is familar plus their families behind in order to be with them. Big hugs to you.......You sound like a wonderful, caring daughter-in-law...All the best to you.

Lorelle

[Jaylen Brit 0]

My child will be moving away from her father (my ex) and I know how hard this will be for her - so I'm going to make sure we also have webcam and blog etc - don't forget though you can use voice messengers (yahoo, MSN and AIM all do voice connect) - like telephone but FREE (SKYPE is good as well) so your hubby will be able to speak to his parents (so much more intimate than the typed word) without incurring huge fees - and dial up should work just fine for that.

His folks don't really need to be computer literate to operate messngers etc - but they DO have a great reason to learn how to use the PC now don't they?

BTW I think your letter you are sending his mom is a lovely touch

Edited May 5, 2006 by Jaylen Brit

[mrswooten4ever 0]

My mom is returning to South Africa and we just discovered that it will cost her at least $2000 to fly to the US more than double what it would have cost her to fly from the UK. This now means that she probably wont be able to attend out wedding and Mike and I wont have a honeymoon as my marvellous mom was going to look after the kids for a week. Anyways my mom has learnt to use a PC at the age of 63 and now has email and web browsing down pat. We just have to get the chatting thing sorted and yes she has a webcam. I'm lucky because my mom's attitude is that you go where you are happiest and you are only a phone call or plane trip away. My sister on the other hand had hell with her ex's parents when they wanted to go to Europe. He was accused of wanting to abandon his mother and leave her destitute! Who is a very wealthy woman LOL. So in the end after all the emotional blackmail they never went! Writing to your mom-in-law is a really great idea and will give her the reassurance she is looking for. When your fiance got his visa the realisation that he was actually leaving probably hit home for the first time as the whole process seems unreal until you actually get that visa. I'm sure your mom-in-law will be fine it will just take some time for her to adjust to the situation.

best of luck

Adele

Edited May 5, 2006 by MrsW2B

[munchkins 0]

My daughter moved away from the UK to the states nearly 20 years ago and it was so damned hard to see her go, but I am so proud that she has made it and is successful. And now we are making the same journey to be with her and her family, and for me that will be wonderful and yet sad because after 60 years I am leaving all I have ever known, Son and his partner and their baby boy, my youngest grandchild, my brothers and their familys and all our friends.

It will be hard for your future in laws but they will accept and take joy in all the contact you make with them, and I think the letter you are sending to them is a really touching gesture and one which will let them know that you care, not only about their son, but them also. That will help, I am sure.

I shall be having broadband and skype, which I think is fantastic and with the webcam I will be able to talk to my brothers and my son whenever I want and the best thing is it will be free definitely worth looking into

Good luck to you both

[Anyta Holland 1]

Hi,

I will allow myself to write here, although by the time I finish I will probably be homesick....

I can totally see where you are coming from, I am an only child as well... And it hasn't been easy.... I moved 3 and 1/2 years ago to England, I have had good times, bad times and terrible times.... It is all a mixture of emotions and feelings that sometimes play with my hormones just to make a fatal mixture.......

Initially when I moved, it was not certain whether I would go back home or not, and if I was, I didn't have a date.... So the good bye back then was quite emotional.... My mom could not let go... She just couldn't.... I on the other hand, was so excited, that didn't feel any pain that day.... That came after....

I met my now husband on the net, and he was one of the reasons for me coming to this country. I have only been home once since I came as we cannot afford it, however last year we had a GORGEOUS holiday with my parents in Florida, which was funded by them....

There is no easy way to go on living your life without the people you love, and even though you can see them a couple of times a year it will still not fulfill that sense of emptiness....

My Dad comes from a huge family, and I have had to learn to live without the gatherings, the parties and even worse, the mournings. I am quite grateful that the latter has not happened often, but when it did.... Oh my GOSH it did! My mom's mom died.... One of my favourite people in the world.... And I was not there, and I could not get there as it was absolutely unexpected... She was 80 and had Alzheimer's, but she died of natural causes on her sleep... I could have never guessed that it would happen, she had fallen and undergone surgery for a broken leg, she was "fine" and then 3 weeks before I was to go back home on holiday, it happened....

Difficult times come ahead, and nothing you can say or do is going to make it easier, just bearable, that's how I find it.... Both my parents and us have webcams, and my Dad takes his laptop and wireless card with him when there are gatherings at my other gran's house, so it's like being there, only you can only touch your monitor. But hey! at least I get to talk and see them... and viceversa! My parents and I have deviced this unwritten rule of videoconferencing every weekend, and if I'm not online they'll call me through SkypeOut.... 2 cents a minute! or 10 to cell phones! But the distance is still the same, and the prices are sky high, so we can't see them as much as we would like, and that is why we decided to move to the US, because it is at least more accesible.

On the other hand, I am quite happy to take my hubby away from his family... As many here would have read from previous posts, his family is absolutely awful, and he is more than glad to leave them behind as they haven't given us anything but grief....

I am sorry that I extended myself so much, and as I predicted, got a bit homesick.... But I get by, and my hubby helps me a lot....

I do hope things get better for you..... And do consider the webcam...

[ddurkin 0]

This is something I'm struggling with too as the USC. His family all came over for the wedding and when they left to return to Ireland it was really rough...crying mom and sisters and sister-in-law (and my husband)...and of course nothing I could say or do to make any of it any better.

And i know its hard on my hubby too, his misses them all so much but we're getting by. The fact that we can drive up to see my family on the occassional weekend doesn't make things easier, although he is getting to be much closer to them which is really nice.

I hope that over time it'll get easier, that each visit to his family or by his family won't end in tears when it is time to leave. I feel so guilty sometimes...I know his family loves me, but its very difficult when his mom is so upset that she can't look me in the eye, even when I'm trying to be comforting.

I don't really no what to suggest as we're just in the middle of this ourselves. I think the most important thing is communicating a lot. I'm making an effort to take it upon myself to call his family even when he's not around, just to say hi and forge a connection. I"m hoping that will help.

Other than that its mostly about supporting him when he has his homesick days...lots of hugs and reassurances. Good luck to everyone who is going through this...it sucks but I do believe it'll get better.

[lizaanne 0]

I too am very concerned about this when Simon moves here. I suppose there really is not too much I can do to make this any easier for him. He is not geographically close to his family, and always says they are "not a close family", but he speaks to his parents multiple times a week, and he will travel up to see his granddad to help him with his computer frequently. He has friends he visits every week, he is extremely active in his Church. He won't have any of this here, and there is nothing I can do about that. It makes me so sad and guilty that he is giving all this up, even if he tells me he wants to and he only wants to be with me.

So - we have made sure his parents are set up with Skype, and have already had conversations with them using it. We will try to get back to England next year to have a little vows ceremony for friends and family who are not able to attend the wedding here in the States. I'm trying to get him to bring as much personal stuff as he can, and just trying very hard when he gets here to ensure that he doesn't just feel "bolted on" to my life, but that we build a lift together.

I guess I really don't have an answer for you - this is just so difficult, and I wish I could make it all easy. We will just have to be patient and understanding, and know that there will be times of homesickness, and that they may not be immediately obvious and may manifest itself in other ways such as grumpyness or depression, and just be as understanding as possible.

The only GOOD part of all this ####### we are all going through is the being together - the rest of it just plain sux.

Best of wishes for you! I hope it all comes out ok for you.

~Liza

[nitedreamer 0]

Lorelle, the website you have planned sounds fantastic! I am sure the kids will love interactive story time!

Anytaholland, I'm sorry you are feeling homesick. *hugs* I wish things were easier for people who've moved here! That's awesome that your dad is able to take a laptop along to family gatherings though.

We're going to have to figure out the video conferencing/computer phone calls. I just downloaded yahoo voice, but Matt still has to do the same on his family's computer so we can see if it works.

As hard as this is, I am so glad that we're in the digital age with internet/emails/relatively cheap international phone calls! Although it does mean decoding the mysteries of yahoo voice, but if we can make it through the K1 paperwork circus, surely we can handle internet phone calls...

[Anyta Holland 1]

Can I just quickly add, do not apologise for the way your partners are feeling, not to them... when my hubby does it, I get really MAD! It makes me feel worse, 'cause I feel that I'm dragging him with me, and it makes me feel worse! Just try and understand, hug them, kiss them, ask them out, ask them if they want to talk about it or cry about it, and just let them vent about it....

They'll feel tons better after is out.... Believe me....

Oh, and can I just say, that my mom cries each and every time we say good bye? So don't think that bit is going to get any better! She is quite happy to use Skype with me though....

I really do hope that you can get things to work out and my heart go to all of you!! *hugs* to you all!