Help please - personal matter about the fiance visa

[lovin_famo 0]

hi susan, first of all i want to say you are in the position to change the way your life is headed, and that is to the dumps. next, how old are you, i ask because it seems as if you are playing a game with both your fiance and your"friend". how is it that eric is "finding out out" all of these things? do you really want a husband, if not don't play games with people's emotions, it could really backfire in the end. yes, i agree with the others , eric is very justified in his feelings.

Dana F.

[sj5 4]

Hi Susan, i don't think its normal to go with someone who has feelings with you and also jeff isn't interesting to your ears.

should tough Eric to have female friends to go shopping and etc while waiting for you.

Eric didn't like it so you should just do what he ask for.

Edited April 22, 2008 by SJ

[Niels Bohr 72]

I don't feel the need to repeat what others have already said (it'd be a waste of time and space, not to mention they've done a great job of stating what should be done about Jeff), but I've noticed two striking things in your post, Susan.

1. You knew Jeff's financial situation beforehand and while it's not completely unheard of for good friends to assist others monetarily, what you did was "beyond the call of duty." You didn't just treat him like a good friend, you acted as if he were a family member -- more specifically, a child of yours. You housed him, clothed him, and entertained him, just as a supposedly "good" mother might do.

I don't know your age or Jeff's age, but I'm assuming neither of you are under 18 (if you are, then I'd suggest seriously rethinking marriage for other reasons). Jeff's current situation is not, nor has it even been, your responsibility. Offering to "help out" once or twice is one thing; treating a grown man as if he's 12 is another, especially when he's viewing you in a sexual manner.

I really hate to dive down Sigmund Freud's path (since much of what he thought was just plain wrong), but in this case, I honestly do wonder what your parental situation was while growing up. How did your parents relate to each other and to you?

2. Your actions with Jeff -- a man whom you knew was sexually attracted to you -- suggest that you either have absolutely little-to-no regard for your future husband or you were doing this merely to get him jealous. While both options are a possibility, it sounds more likely the latter is accurate.

Perhaps that sounds strange (maybe even insulting), but it's certainly not unheard of by any means. Both men and women have done things such as this to make a significant other jealous of them. Usually it was done with the intent to show their partner that they are still "attractive to and wanted by the opposite sex." It's rare that the objective is to actually cheat, since in those cases, the adulterous individual generally wishes to keep their acts a secret, whereas someone doing this wants their partner to know.

Susan, maybe I'm 100% wrong about everything I've written here. I don't know you, Jeff or Eric personally. All I have to go on is your side of the story and I'm sure both Jeff and Eric would love to tell their tales as well. So in the end, regardless of what any of us say on here, it's up to you to decide what's best in this situation. Remember, we can offer any bit of advice we want, but no matter what happens to you and your relationship, it won't affect us one way or the other, so give your actions some thought and do what you believe is right.

I totally agree.If Eric is your priority, and you want a future with him why not tell Jeff off. For example, tell him "If you would like to continue to be a friend, please be aware of my love with Eric. I would respect it that you remember this." If Jeff do not understand, then all you are doing is hurting Jeff even further as well as Eric. Know your priority and tell Jeff that "life is changing, and my life will be changing, not with your, but with my fiance, please know your place if you are a friend."

If you feel it may hurt him by saying those things, then I wish you good luck with your life. Everybody have given you guidance, good ones. Keep Jeff out, Jeff is turning into a stalker more than anything by repeatedly objecting to you telling him off that you are taken by Eric. I hope you realize.

[sj5 4]

I didn't read all the replies, so I'm sorry if I repeat things.

First, stop leading Jeff on. He's getting all these mixed messages, he probably thinks that you have a relationship. You "go out" with him to dinners once or twice. And by keeping him around and sharing your deep feelings and problems with him messing with his head. Have you told Jeff that you love your fiance and you want to be with him, and not Jeff. It's none of our business and I don't care if you have, but I have a feeling that you have done more than just talk with him.

I don't blame Eric one bit for the way he feels. I'm actually pretty surprised that he hasn't dumped you yet, having caught you in a lie on at least 3 occasions about your "friend". I would have dumped you by now for sure. No man should ever let a woman play with his emtions like that. Everybody is right, you love the attention. But everybody likes attention, so I can't blame you too much there. Like others have said, reverse the situation. Imagine he had a girl who was living with him and was in "love" with him, and think how you'd feel about that. Exactly!

it seems she has deactivated feelings.

[Jason&Sarah 0]

Sarah has a lot of guy mates that she hangs about with and talks to. I can hardly keep them straight sometimes...she even has one whom she refers to as "Brother from another Mother." and she was with him romantically for a couple months...now they're really good friends.

The fact is, she has been up front and honest with me about them, and never once kept secret who so and so was, or if there was history etc. Same with me, I live with my best friend who is a woman, and there is *NOTHING* between us but friendship, and Sarah knows all about it.

The key is honesty, especially in such a LDR. Honestly, I can't understand how Eric is patient with you...The fact of the matter is, you should have distanced yourself from Jeff the moment you knew Eric had a problem with it...at the very least should have told him about going to dinner with this guy...and then DISCUSSED with Eric about Jeff moving in...

Frankly, I think you're in a bad spot, and I tend to think Eric deserves better...

[friesian 0]

Sarah has a lot of guy mates that she hangs about with and talks to. I can hardly keep them straight sometimes...she even has one whom she refers to as "Brother from another Mother." and she was with him romantically for a couple months...now they're really good friends.

The fact is, she has been up front and honest with me about them, and never once kept secret who so and so was, or if there was history etc. Same with me, I live with my best friend who is a woman, and there is *NOTHING* between us but friendship, and Sarah knows all about it.

The key is honesty, especially in such a LDR. Honestly, I can't understand how Eric is patient with you...The fact of the matter is, you should have distanced yourself from Jeff the moment you knew Eric had a problem with it...at the very least should have told him about going to dinner with this guy...and then DISCUSSED with Eric about Jeff moving in...

Frankly, I think you're in a bad spot, and I tend to think Eric deserves better...

[friesian 0]

I want to post a warning to everybody here about this post. NEVER believe practically anything that you read online. This post was not posted by "susan". It was posted by "Eric" and so of course he slanted it all to make everybody feel sorry for Eric and hate Susan. It was kind of a mean thing to do. It's the trouble with long distance relationships = kind of sad actually. And I feel he should not have enlisted a lot of strangers on his "side" - especially since he did not tell the whole story. Perhaps it's a good thing to remember - don't ever judge what goes on inside of a relationship - only those people inside the relationship know what is going on. And "Eric" was always the first to complain if "susan" discussed anything about the relationship, even with her mom. Shame on you "Eric"

[✿Ice Rain✿ 0]

I want to post a warning to everybody here about this post. NEVER believe practically anything that you read online. This post was not posted by "susan". It was posted by "Eric" and so of course he slanted it all to make everybody feel sorry for Eric and hate Susan. It was kind of a mean thing to do. It's the trouble with long distance relationships = kind of sad actually. And I feel he should not have enlisted a lot of strangers on his "side" - especially since he did not tell the whole story. Perhaps it's a good thing to remember - don't ever judge what goes on inside of a relationship - only those people inside the relationship know what is going on. And "Eric" was always the first to complain if "susan" discussed anything about the relationship, even with her mom. Shame on you "Eric"

Geez!Are you happen to be the Jeff? How come you found that this situation was being posted here? Who told you? but anway, WELCOME TO VJ!LOL!

[✿Ice Rain✿ 0]

I want to post a warning to everybody here about this post. NEVER believe practically anything that you read online. This post was not posted by "susan". It was posted by "Eric" and so of course he slanted it all to make everybody feel sorry for Eric and hate Susan. It was kind of a mean thing to do. It's the trouble with long distance relationships = kind of sad actually. And I feel he should not have enlisted a lot of strangers on his "side" - especially since he did not tell the whole story. Perhaps it's a good thing to remember - don't ever judge what goes on inside of a relationship - only those people inside the relationship know what is going on. And "Eric" was always the first to complain if "susan" discussed anything about the relationship, even with her mom. Shame on you "Eric"

Geez!Are you happen to be the Jeff? How come you found that this situation was being posted here? Who told you? but anway, WELCOME TO VJ!LOL!

i have this crazy imagination, that you are Jeff? Susan told you about this forum? Maybe, to gain sympathy about her and Eric is to blame here? What do you think with my imagination?

[JeroenAndMichelle 28]

The key is honesty, especially in such a LDR.

So true... if she was honest about it all the time, Eric might not have had a big problem with it.

I want to post a warning to everybody here about this post. NEVER believe practically anything that you read online. This post was not posted by "susan". It was posted by "Eric" and so of course he slanted it all to make everybody feel sorry for Eric and hate Susan. It was kind of a mean thing to do. It's the trouble with long distance relationships = kind of sad actually. And I feel he should not have enlisted a lot of strangers on his "side" - especially since he did not tell the whole story. Perhaps it's a good thing to remember - don't ever judge what goes on inside of a relationship - only those people inside the relationship know what is going on. And "Eric" was always the first to complain if "susan" discussed anything about the relationship, even with her mom. Shame on you "Eric"

And you signed up just to say this??

Hmm.. I agree with 'shape of my heart'.. Are you Jeff by any chance? It must be, because.. geez.. who in his right mind would write what you write... I mean, it is obvious that you hardly read the posts people wrote here.. we do not hate Susan, we hate her previous decisions and we tell her what she should do about it since she was asking for it herself.

And.. ummm.. ...if you think LDR's are kind of sad... what the hell are you doing on a site like this? Telling we're all sad or something? Seriously, you need to get out more and see what life is all about.

Edited April 22, 2008 by JeroenAndMichelle

[NCWife 0]

whoaaaa... Drama!!

Want a popcorn and beer, anyone?

[Niels Bohr 72]

Susan lacks alot of responsibility, don't you think? Although she may think she's responsible, she's not. An engagement is a commitment, not a game.

[wifetobe 2]

To me it seems like this is what Eric knew:

- You were spending time with another guy, but never told him. He found out after the fact.

- You had this guy living in your house with you, but again, you never told him. He found out after the fact.

I think Eric is completely warranted in his feelings.

If there are lies in a relationship then there are insecurities you need to work on, and thus, I don't think you are ready for marriage personally. Eric has had to find out stuff without you telling him and I wonder why he still trusts you, I'm not trying to make you feel bad but don't you think it gives Eric more point to believe you are doing something behind his back when you're covering up a platonic friendship? Mm well I really hope you work things out with Eric but you must stop deceiving him! That's how LDRs tend to fade... the best of luck to you!