Help please - personal matter about the fiance visa

[KandD 1]

If you had to lie about Jeff, it's because you felt guilty because you know you're doing something wrong. If I were Eric I wouldn't marry you. I believe honesty and trust is essential in a marriage and if I'd been lied to repeatedly that would be a big no no.

My thoughts exactly

[Caladan 19]

I don't think the problem is with the friendship. I have plenty of male friends. Some of them have been friends for 15 years now, and if C. had started randomly demanding that I remove all of them from my life, I doubt our relationship would have survived.

Rather, I think the problem is with the deception, and the fact that Jeff is in love with Susan. Even if Eric's a very nice guy, the trouble is here that Jeff has a closer relationship with the family, probably knows Susan better, and Susan's hiding it from Eric. Susan, you're going to have to keep Jeff at arm's length for a while. Maybe not permanently, but I don't see a way that you'll be able to win Eric's trust back without it.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

I don't think the problem is with the friendship. I have plenty of male friends. Some of them have been friends for 15 years now, and if C. had started randomly demanding that I remove all of them from my life, I doubt our relationship would have survived.

Rather, I think the problem is with the deception, and the fact that Jeff is in love with Susan. Even if Eric's a very nice guy, the trouble is here that Jeff has a closer relationship with the family, probably knows Susan better, and Susan's hiding it from Eric. Susan, you're going to have to keep Jeff at arm's length for a while. Maybe not permanently, but I don't see a way that you'll be able to win Eric's trust back without it.

So true Caladan.

Nick has many female friends...I'm fine with it. They have become my friends too!

It's the fact that Jeff has this unrealistic view that they will be together, but rightly so, Susan is giving him every reason to believe that she may come around and allow herself to be in a relationship with him. Wouldn't you?

She knows he loves her and she keeps him around, allowing him to move in with her, giving him money for an apartment, keeps the secret from her soon to be husband and then knowingly tells her fiance about him, for what purpose? Make him jealous? Keep the two men fighting over her?

It's a sticky situation.

[hayjoy 0]

I feel pain for your fiance, because he is in a bad place and really has no control over the situation. I feel that Eric has the right to be jealous about another man spending all that time with his girl and also parents. I feel that you are in denial about how you feel about Jeff because if he does not mean anything to you then you would give him the boot, because you say he has his own apartment and he still does family things with you. Also you say you don't love him, well by spending all this time with him you will grow to love him rather he is a bum or not!

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

just put your fiance's shoes on and see what it looks like.

yup.

oh... and btw Jeff's a bum not a lost puppy

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Oh dear.

Try to look at the situation objectively: You have a male friend who has admitted he's in love with you. He lived with you and your parents for a while by your invitation. And now that he has his own place (with your financial help, no less), he joins you and your parents on outings and for meals. You lied to Eric about much of this because you don't want to deal with his reaction to it.

It sounds like Jeff considers himself your boyfriend. He seems to think that he has a right to you (and indeed your parents). Why else would he be whining that when Eric--your fiance--moves over here, his tenure as top dog will cease? What makes him think that you and your family were "his" to begin with?

Consider also that you confided in Jeff--not exactly a disinterested party--about your problems with Eric. (Does Eric know this?) Is it a surprise that Jeff felt he could move in on you? Jeff is trying to muscle his way into your family, figuring that you'll come around sooner or later. And you've lied to Eric repeatedly about Jeff's role in your life.

There's so much wrong with this situation, including the fact that you haven't seen Eric in a year and a half (why is this?) and have broken up with him repeatedly. Why the engagement now? Why do you suppose he's putting up with this shabby treatment? Do you really want to marry him? And why are you avoiding his phone calls?

Your post suggests that you have more sympathy for Jeff than for Eric. You need to seriously think about why this is so. Be fair to Eric and really examine why you two are engaged at all.

You've mentioned that Eric is laying guilt trips on you. So is Jeff.

What do your parents think of all this?

[LoriLawless 0]

I agree with everyone in that you need to get rid of Jeff, he's tearing up your relationship, and your fiance has every right to be upset about it.

You might need to talk to your parents about it. If you are the type of person who is "too nice" to people and can't tell Jeff yourself, maybe they can help you out.

Jeff should understand what he's doing to your relationship, and if he's a good man, he'll leave you alone, cause it's what's best for you.

If not, he's just manipulating you, and that is NOT being a "good friend"

Good luck to you, and I hope you take all the wonderful advice in this thread.

[Susan16 0]

Thanks to everybody on their opinion. I need to say a few more things here. I got Jeff out of my place. He was sleeping in a trailer near our house btw and just hanged around us - we had meals together and such. Now it all comes down just to him coming to dinners twice a week and he hangs a lot around my mom when I am not around. He talks a lot to her and she is helping him to get back on his feet. He needs that. My fiance thinks that Jeff didn`t really change his plans but that he is still after me. But I am not talking about personal stuff with Jeff anymore and we are not as good friends anymore. However Eric is still uncomfortable with it and he would prefer if Jeff would stop coming to dinners and go places with me and my parents. I just think there is no harm in that and that It is doing more good to Jeff than it is doing bad to Eric. I care for both Jeff and Eric, but I don`t feel romantic about Jeff. I just have trouble telling him to get lost. I think it has helped him to see how it is to have a family and to hopefully wish one for himself. Apart from this one. When Eric told me he feels bad about me going out alone with Jeff I stopped doing it. But now he is asking that Jeff would stop coming just twice a week to our house to dinners. And I don`t think he has the right to do that. He says that he feels bad over us bonding with another guy while he is so far away. I am willing to let Jeff go away and me never seeing him again after Eric comes. But for now I think it is doing Jeff good to go on the right path in his life. And it won`t harm Eric any because it is him who I am interested in.

Eric says though that when he would be there that it wouldn`t be such a problem because he would be with me and spend the time with me, but that it is a problem to him while being so far away, while Jeff is close.

The trouble is that my parents are also very nice and they have trouble telling Jeff to go away too.

I agree with everyone in that you need to get rid of Jeff, he's tearing up your relationship, and your fiance has every right to be upset about it.

You might need to talk to your parents about it. If you are the type of person who is "too nice" to people and can't tell Jeff yourself, maybe they can help you out.

Jeff should understand what he's doing to your relationship, and if he's a good man, he'll leave you alone, cause it's what's best for you.

If not, he's just manipulating you, and that is NOT being a "good friend"

Good luck to you, and I hope you take all the wonderful advice in this thread.

[LoriLawless 0]

Well, it seems to me that you want Jeff to be around to maybe fill the void that's in your life while Eric isn't there?

While you see no harm, it IS causing harm to your relationship, you just need to figure out what's more important.

I'm sorry to say, but you're going to have to choose. You can't expect eric to understand that another man, WHO'S IN LOVE WITH YOU, is coming over for dinner, trying to get to your through your mom, etc.

And that's EXACTLY what he's doing.

You're looking out for Jeff, but he's NOT looking out for you.

Sometimes being too nice puts you in a bad situation, and this is one of them.

If you want to save your relationship, you should sit down and have a talk with Jeff, explain what's going on and tell him that in the best interests of your relationship, you need to stop seeing him, and he needs to stop coming over.

You can explain that once Eric is here, things may be different, but this needs to happen "for now"

Do you really think he's going to be around when Eric comes? I highly doubt it. Not if he's in love with you.

He's trying to get you before eric comes, that's obvious.

[chri'stina 190]

Sounds like a movie kind of...and you know Jeff is going to pine for you every day until Eric moves here, and probably will still pine after that. How awkward. I have no idea why you want this drama in your life. Are you sure you have no feelings for Jeff? Is this going to end like the movies where the pining friend finally gets you? It all just sounds weird.

I agree with most of the advice. And the part causing the most problems is that Jeff is in love with you and you were spending one on one time with him, it's not just that he is a male friend. If I was Eric I would be seriously ticked off due to hiding these things about a man who is in love with you.

[JeroenAndMichelle 28]

Personally I think it does harm Eric since he is complaining about it... he is helpless in this situation because of the distance. It still looks to me that you're putting Jeff first on the spot and I really think that if you love Eric and want him that you should stop this. You have lied about stuff before to Eric, the trust has been broken because of what you said and did, it will be very hard for Eric to have that trust again about you and Jeff, if it comes back at all. If you love Eric, just stop with Jeff is all I can say.

For me, to hear that Eric says he thinks that it might be different when Eric is around you is mainly that he feels that Jeff will then see that you are involved with Eric and that he has less possibilities with you but for the moment I still think you're doing things wrong.

edit: Also, I have been in a similar situation myself (as being 'Eric') and it ended up for the girl to be alone in the end... just a little warning that this might happen to you too.

Edited April 19, 2008 by JeroenAndMichelle

[✿Ice Rain✿ 0]

Completely...the problem isn't Jeff here...the problem is Susan herself.

She has the power to change things and yet, she's not.

It just doesn't add up.

I agree with Laura. The problem here is not Jeff, sorry to say but it is you. Its because you LET this happen , it is yourself only who can solve this. And not blaming Eric for being so jealous when he has the every right to.

[amiquechu 0]

Jeff's a complete loser. He'll never amount to anything.

With that being said, if I was Eric, I would have ended the relationship a long time ago. Sorry to be so blunt...I dealt with enough drama with women to know when to get rid of one...and when I found a keeper!

[Mary Lou 681]

Susan i think you need to turn the situation around and put yourself in Eric's shoes. But you seem like you really dont care about Erics feelings or whatnot, your all poor Jeff, i dont want to hurt his feelings, blah blah. I think you need to do Eric a big favor and end things with him, since you seem more concerned about Jeff then the feelings of your future husband. What a way to have a relationship, with lies and deceit, tut tut.

Ya know, we all know what its like to be away from our loved ones, so your excuse that once Eric is here, Jeff wont be in the picture. I think thats complete shite, you need to get your priorities straight.

Edited April 19, 2008 by garyandmarylou

[caybee 21]

If all the history weren't there and if Jeff didn't have feelings for you, I wouldn't see much harm in your family continuing the arrangement as it is now. But the history is important. You did provide Jeff with food, clothing, and shelter. You did confide in him about your relationship with Eric (an act of intimacy, and a slippery slope, in my opinion). You did hide these things from Eric because they would hurt his feelings or look bad (something "looking bad" is generally a pretty big red flag, by the way -- if it walks like a duck and all that). You (or someone else) did finally let Eric know what was going on, which hurt him more than it would have if he'd known from the beginning.

You can't unring all those bells and turn into a social worker now to help Jeff back on his feet, and the history here has made it impossible to have the friendship with Jeff that you might otherwise have had. You are engaged to Eric. Your parents are, presumably, preparing to accept Eric as a son, and he is longing to get to know them better. You may have been given a strong drive to help people, but Jeff is not the right project for you. There are plenty of places you could channel that wonderful, empathetic energy without remaining so close to one individual man that it puts your future marriage in danger.

I would suggest that you sit down with your parents and have a heart-to-heart about how your/their relationship with Jeff is damaging your relationship with Eric. If Jeff still needs help, find a resource in the community to help him. Tell Jeff, assertively, that it's time to say goodbye, set some boundaries, and stick with them. Then, if you still need to reach out to someone in a caregiving manner, volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen where there are safeguards in place to prevent these kinds of dangerous attachments. There are a million ways you could channel your caring nature in a safe manner that will build your relationship up instead of putting it in danger, and that could also be a volunteer activity Eric could join you in when he arrives, to stay active and build his own resume while he waits for his employment authorization.

You have a fork in the road in front of you, and one branch could lead to very positive things while the other most likely would lead to disaster. Choose carefully. I hope everything works out well for you.