Help please - personal matter about the fiance visa

[rebeccajo 14]

Every woman's dream. Two men in love with her.

Except one of them is a loser who mooches off of her.

Sounds like one of those situations where the woman usually ends up alone.

[sara..... 371]

hmmm if ur engaged i have to ask why are u even allowing friendship with another man for urself?.........if the roll were reversed would u put up with it........im sorry but men and women living in the same home can not just be friends maybe it is my culture and up bringing that make me say this but the fact is man is man and women is women........if ur engaged there is no place for this other guy in ur life nor should there be i hope i have not offended u but u did ask on the board so i wanted to add my opinion.......if u love ur guy and want to keep ur relationship it is up to u

to not make him have a reason to doubt u..............

Now that bit I do not agree with. Both Chris and I both have lots of friends of the opposite sex. Chris has actually lived with a female friend of his for the past year and a half. I have no problem with this. She is a VERY good friend of mine too. The difference to the OP's story is, My fiances friend IS NOT in love with him. Chris has never lied to me about seeing her or going anywhere with her. I trust both of them 100%.

Chris hasn't a problem with any of my male friends. I never lie to him about where I am and if I go to the pub with one of them, I make sure I tell him about it. He trusts me. Again though, none of my male friends are in love with me!

Male and female relationships CAN be purely platonic.

The OP's relationship with her friend Jeff is not. (Maybe from her point of view, but not from his.) This will only end up in disaster.

If Jeff truly respects you as a friend, then he should know that what he is doing is wrong and back off!

its ok if we disagree.......she asked for opinions and that one is mine but its ok if other people have different opinions than mine......mine comes from culture and religion........so sure its biased........ but i still think if it bothers him it is up to her to make sure that he has no reason to not trust her.........and if she loves him she would want to make sure she is not doing anything to hurt him it appears what she is doing is making a problem between them or she would not have asked for opinions.........

[Ban Hammer 13,429]

Every woman's dream. Two men in love with her.

Except one of them is a loser who mooches off of her.

Sounds like one of those situations where the woman usually ends up alone.

or on springer

[Fandango 1,439]

Your fiance doesn't trust you cos you repeatedly lie to him and do sh!t behind his back. Yes, there's the jealousy angle, the '####### is she doing' ange, but at the end of the day, this boils down to trust, and you have proven that you're not worthy of his.

Not a stretch considering how much you've lied to him.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

Your fiance doesn't trust you cos you repeatedly lie to him and do sh!t behind his back. Yes, there's the jealousy angle, the '####### is she doing' ange, but at the end of the day, this boils down to trust, and you have proven that you're not worthy of his.

Not a stretch considering how much you've lied to him.

Susan, you're a horrible human being.

[Tsup2 0]

From what you describe in your post it sounds to me like you are having an emotional affair with Jeff. Your intimate conversations with him are inappropriate when you are engaged to another man. You need to kick Jeff to the curb in all ways if you want any future with Eric. Just my opinion.

[erintoronto 0]

From what you describe in your post it sounds to me like you are having an emotional affair with Jeff. Your intimate conversations with him are inappropriate when you are engaged to another man. You need to kick Jeff to the curb in all ways if you want any future with Eric. Just my opinion.

i agree. it's one thing to be friends with someone, but this goes well beyond that. i am not at all surprised that eric is jealous. think of how you would feel if he were telling you about another woman? i do hope that the two of you can work this out, but you are going to have to work to earn his trust again, i believe. it's not impossible, but will require some serious effort on your part.

[sparkofcreation 0]

One of my favorite advice columnists always says this about situations where one romantic partner is jealous of the other's opposite-sex friends: If Eric is jealous of you spending time with *any* man, then the problem is Eric's (unless you've given Eric reason to believe you can't be trusted with *any* man, but I assume that's not the case). On the other hand, if he's only jealous of this *one* man, then the problem is most likely your relationship with Jeff.

In a lot of circumstances I'd say Eric needs to get used to it (speaking as a woman with mostly male friends), but in this case I gotta agree with the folks above. Either majorly put distance between you and Jeff, or break it off with Eric. Eric's not being jealous in the usual sense, he's being concerned for the well-being of his future marriage, and I think he's 100% justified in worrying.

[pnrmbr975 1]

Why can't you let other friends who are single and free be friends with Jeff? What you're doing is totally out of boundaries. And how old is this Jeff? He can take care of himself for goodness sake! You are engaged to Eric. Respect your relationship with him. His concerns are 101% justified.

If I were Eric, I'd break off with you. Sorry. If I were Jeff, I'd abuse your kindness. Sorry.

Poor Eric.

[David-and-Mae 15]

Girl, you are in a tough situation... NOT!

Like what others have said, try to put yourself in Eric's situation and see how you'd feel about it. You may not understand exactly where Eric is coming from due to the fact that he's in the real situation while you are just trying to put yourself to his situation, but still, try it. You said you are not romantically interested to your friend (but he is) but the fact that you are entertaining him, kept him to your home, spent (and still spending) time with him are more than enough reasons for Jeff to think that somehow, you also like him. He feels he's important in your life because despite having a long distance relationship, you never told him to get lost. He feels different than what you "thought". I can truly understand your fiance for feeling that way. He's thousands of miles away from you and I bet the thought of you being with your "friend" and spending quality time with him is really killing him. When I was still back in my country waiting for my paperwork to be done, never that I gave my then fiance any reasons not to trust me and that goes the same with him. Trust is one of the main foundations to make a long distance relationship work.

You need to make up your mind before it's too late. I have seen this kind of situation many times before and most of them ended with the person being left all alone, brokenhearted.

--Mae

Edited April 19, 2008 by David-Mae Forever

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

First of all...you KNOW that Jeff is in love with you and yet you keep up the "friendship"? He doesn't want a friendship with you Susan...he wants a relationship.

Why you are blindly paying his way is beyond me.

Eric is totally justified in feeling the way he does. I just love how you keep saying "I kept this from Eric, I kept that from Eric because I didn't want to hurt him" and then you continue to say "But then he found out and he feels bad" How exactly is he finding out? From you?

Are you deliberately telling him? Don't you think that's kind of insensitive?

How would you feel if Eric was living with a woman who was in love with him? I'm sure you wouldn't like it very much either.

If this "friendship" with Jeff was just that, a friendship, you wouldn't even feel the need to keep it from Eric because there would be nothing to hide. It sounds downright fishy to me.

If you are in love with Eric and want to marry him, it's time to cut Jeff out of your life. Jeff wants you in a way that you say you don't want. You say you don't feel that way towards him, right? Then let him move on with his life and continue forward with the man that you love and are going to marry, Eric.

Best of luck.

[Nessa 23]

If you had to lie about Jeff, it's because you felt guilty because you know you're doing something wrong. If I were Eric I wouldn't marry you. I believe honesty and trust is essential in a marriage and if I'd been lied to repeatedly that would be a big no no.

[David-and-Mae 15]

First of all...you KNOW that Jeff is in love with you and yet you keep up the "friendship"? He doesn't want a friendship with you Susan...he wants a relationship.

Why you are blindly paying his way is beyond me.

Eric is totally justified in feeling the way he does. I just love how you keep saying "I kept this from Eric, I kept that from Eric because I didn't want to hurt him" and then you continue to say "But then he found out and he feels bad" How exactly is he finding out? From you?

Are you deliberately telling him? Don't you think that's kind of insensitive?

How would you feel if Eric was living with a woman who was in love with him? I'm sure you wouldn't like it very much either.

If this "friendship" with Jeff was just that, a friendship, you wouldn't even feel the need to keep it from Eric because there would be nothing to hide. It sounds downright fishy to me.

If you are in love with Eric and want to marry him, it's time to cut Jeff out of your life. Jeff wants you in a way that you say you don't want. You say you don't feel that way towards him, right? Then let him move on with his life and continue forward with the man that you love and are going to marry, Eric.

Best of luck.

Good one, Laura! I bet Jeff is hanging on because he's hoping Susan will finally turn to him and the two of them will end up together. That is kind of unfair on Jeff too for holding on. For once she needs to tell him to move on (if she really wants Jeff to be out of her life). Otherwise, the guy will keep on hoping.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Good one, Laura! I bet Jeff is hanging on because he's hoping Susan will finally turn to him and the two of them will end up together. That is kind of unfair on Jeff too for holding on. For once she needs to tell him to move on (if she really wants Jeff to be out of her life). Otherwise, the guy will keep on hoping.

Completely...the problem isn't Jeff here...the problem is Susan herself.

She has the power to change things and yet, she's not.

It just doesn't add up.

[DeadPoolX 9]

I don't feel the need to repeat what others have already said (it'd be a waste of time and space, not to mention they've done a great job of stating what should be done about Jeff), but I've noticed two striking things in your post, Susan.

1. You knew Jeff's financial situation beforehand and while it's not completely unheard of for good friends to assist others monetarily, what you did was "beyond the call of duty." You didn't just treat him like a good friend, you acted as if he were a family member -- more specifically, a child of yours. You housed him, clothed him, and entertained him, just as a supposedly "good" mother might do.

I don't know your age or Jeff's age, but I'm assuming neither of you are under 18 (if you are, then I'd suggest seriously rethinking marriage for other reasons). Jeff's current situation is not, nor has it even been, your responsibility. Offering to "help out" once or twice is one thing; treating a grown man as if he's 12 is another, especially when he's viewing you in a sexual manner.

I really hate to dive down Sigmund Freud's path (since much of what he thought was just plain wrong), but in this case, I honestly do wonder what your parental situation was while growing up. How did your parents relate to each other and to you?

2. Your actions with Jeff -- a man whom you knew was sexually attracted to you -- suggest that you either have absolutely little-to-no regard for your future husband or you were doing this merely to get him jealous. While both options are a possibility, it sounds more likely the latter is accurate.

Perhaps that sounds strange (maybe even insulting), but it's certainly not unheard of by any means. Both men and women have done things such as this to make a significant other jealous of them. Usually it was done with the intent to show their partner that they are still "attractive to and wanted by the opposite sex." It's rare that the objective is to actually cheat, since in those cases, the adulterous individual generally wishes to keep their acts a secret, whereas someone doing this wants their partner to know.

Susan, maybe I'm 100% wrong about everything I've written here. I don't know you, Jeff or Eric personally. All I have to go on is your side of the story and I'm sure both Jeff and Eric would love to tell their tales as well. So in the end, regardless of what any of us say on here, it's up to you to decide what's best in this situation. Remember, we can offer any bit of advice we want, but no matter what happens to you and your relationship, it won't affect us one way or the other, so give your actions some thought and do what you believe is right.